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[01] Main Journal

Whoever you are, if you’re not familiar with me, I beg that you PLEASE read this information before leaving any comment, message or contacting me in any way, it is REALLY important to me. Further information will be provided in specific journals if you are curious and want to understand it better, but here I’ll provide all that one needs to know:

[To the Mods and others, I swear I tried not to be lewd in these journals, but it’s hard to talk about myself without making mentions to erotic things, notify me if I should change that and I’ll gladly do so.]
[In respect to the IB Philosophy and so on, I don’t think this violates any of it if my interpretation is correct. I understand that I cannot make other people responsible for what I see, but since I don’t go looking for things, the only way for me to see things I don’t want to is if they are brought to me. In these journals I don’t intend to police anyone’s behaviors, but instead I just want to make people aware of what may or may not upset me, in order to avoid misunderstandings and so on.]

Firstly, if you think you recognize my art or themes you may be right. I’m not new to the fandom or to any of this, as it has been 10 years since I first joined publicly, and I’ve gone by many names and faces before, inside and outside the furry fandom. I used to care a lot about keeping my identities separate and secret, but I feel ready to let them merge now and not hide anything anymore.
To see who I’ve been in the past, click here , and while I want to shed all those secrets, I’m too embarrassed about some things due to behavior I really cringe about like when I would rage on Overwatch.
If you want to know more about who I am now, or who was the person behind all those masks, feel free to read this . That also clarifies things I’m okay with or things that I expect from this experience, such as if it’s okay to post my art in boorus and what not (it is, but go there to know more).

I have done a lot of things I regret, and to all the people I’ve hurt or upset, I’m really sorry, I know I’ve been really vicious . If we used to be friends and you’d like to rekindle the friendship, I’m sorry but I now have a strict no-friends policy. I want to live with no one by my side except a very special someone .
I just noticed that I’m very bad at having friends and I’m always happier when I isolate myself. Obviously, I still seek to be absolutely friendly with everyone here, but I don’t want any proximity anymore. Liking me as an artist is fine, but if you like me as a person, please don’t show it, and don’t expect me to concern myself with what is in your heart. More info .
I’m not sure how this is going to work, I wish I could remain offline, but I needed to return, so we will see. Maybe it will change with time, but don’t hold your breath.
31/12/2021 update: Things did change a bit, but that is probably due to me breaking my own rules. I don’t want to say I made a new friend, that wouldn’t be correct, I just have a… volunteer… who is just providing me some social attention. I guess it’s unfair for other people but they kinda earned it, they’re free to go away at any time and haven’t done so despite the times I was being very negative.
Now I did allow an old friendship to refresh itself, but I really trust that one. This could mean things are improving, but I’d say I’m just being dumb and so far I’ve been lucky. This will have negative consequences, no doubt.

Now, reading all this might give you the idea that I’d rather not be here, and in part that is true, but I actually missed being in the fandom a bit and I NEED to be here. I’ve noticed that I would have a hard time with any realistic source of income, and I just think this is the best option. This is my calling, and I’ve been advised that if you ever encounter an opportunity to make a living off of something you love doing, do not waste it. I plan on opening commissions and a Donations by the end of 2021, but I still need to sort a lot of things out. Further info here and here .
Again, maybe being back with a fresh mindset will change me for the better, and I might actually enjoy being what I was always meant to be.
31/12/2021 update: Good news and bad news. Bad news is that the “I actually missed being in the fandom” faded away, it spawned from me seeing the fandom again, from the outside, but right now I don’t miss it anymore, which makes this just a bit harder. I’m sure I can manage, though. And good news… kinda… Got a bank account, so I’m more ready for the whole money situation now. Still a bit late (sorry).

I’m a lewd artist who likes making everything pretty sexual, explicit and shamelessly erotic. I truly love horny stuff, and I try to make everything I create mature or sexual in some way. A fair warning is that I like A LOT of different things, very weird things and a lot of gross or unappealing things.
My content can swing from extreme to extreme, or go from being completely tame and vanilla to something very weird, bizarre or absurd in a short time. If you are curious, more specific details on what I enjoy doing can be found here .
Do not expect a lot of rule34 from me, though. I don’t have anything against it in particular, but I was never really big on it, and now I’m trying to adopt a code of courtesy in regards to it, and I wouldn’t want to draw a character in situations the owner/creator wouldn’t approve of. More explanations here .
31/12/2021 update: God damnit, I was supposed to make sure my “full power” was visible by now. It isn’t. The stuff in my gallery up to my hiatus is tame compared to some of the stuff I was GOING to post (still will, but it will take a while because I want them finished).

That said, I understand that a lot of people might feel disturbed or revolted by some of the things that I do, or wish not to see it. I understand and sympathize with this feeling, which is why I try to tag my stuff as much as possible and as well as I can manage, to make sure people’s blacklists can work flawlessly.
I would employ the system of censoring thumbnails, but since it’s not required by rules, I’m going to just rely on the tagging. While I actually do see some validity to the practice of censoring thumbnails, it can make it a bit annoying to eyeball specific pieces and it’s some pesky extra work that I honestly don’t want to put up with, especially since it would disrupt the file management workflow on my end. If people get too upset I’ll put in the effort to censor thumbnails, but for now, please understand that I focus on my polished tag system. More info on all of these here .
31/12/2021 update: So much for that polished tag system. I should have done that BEFORE returning to the fandom, which yeah… big oof. Hopefully I will have done it before I start posting again. I guess it’s not THAT bad since I haven’t posted most of the stuff I judge to be more on the extreme side anyway.
15/01/2022 update: Moderation has given me some tips on how to handle things and I decided to actually let go of that system, after working on it a bit. I’m still making it available in the journal, in its incomplete state, but I’m probably not going to use it, and instead just use the normal tags that everyone uses, instead of both that and my system. More details here .

In regards to what I like and what I don’t, here is a VERY IMPORTANT point to make: Because I make all of this weird stuff, and because I like a lot of extreme or bizarre fetishes, one would expect me to have a strong filter or high tolerance to things. This is NOT true. I get easily upset over things that I don’t like and they can easily ruin my day, my week, my month, or even haunt me years afterwards. Please be very mindful of that while interacting with me, I really don’t want this experience to be negative for me, I don’t want to dread logging in or seeing new messages.
I can be EASILY disturbed and upset not only by fetish content, but by any sort of content (be it real or fiction) that involves suffering, negative emotions, truly evil cruelty, grimdark themes or bad fates. It’s very complicated to explain exactly what counts as that, but hopefully I have elaborated well enough in this , so please check that if you’re unsure.

If you are into the things I dislike and they really please you, I beg you to not mention that in regards to what I make. I struggle a lot with moving as far away from those concepts as I can, while still trying to hold on to what I like, and it’s VERY hard for me. This has hurt me a lot in the past and still causes me a great deal of unhappiness. I know sometimes we get this desire to pull others into our fetishes because they please and excite us so much, but keep in mind that if one of my works inspired you to have an alternate idea that falls under what I’m afraid of, mentioning that is an almost assured way to ruin my original idea for me. You would cause exactly what I try so hard to avoid.
My relationship with these things that scare and concern me is very complicated, as well as the relationship with the people who like them. I’ve suffered a lot because of it and I’ve been really mean due to this as well. More details here .

Because of how I can easily have my week ruined by a slight glimpse of a stray thumbnail (censored or not), I have completely given up on browsing or searching for ANY works from other artists, and that even extends to SFW artists. In the past I’ve had people try to bargain with me in regards to X or Y artist being perfectly harmless to me, but this will not work anymore because of a very unforgiving dilemma: If I see something bad, then it is bad and that is bad, obviously. But if I see something good, then that is also bad, because it will tempt me and make me crave more, increasing my susceptibility to encountering something truly bad. More reasoning behind this here .
31/12/2021 update: Good news… well, for me, at least. It has been several months now, several months without going anywhere near other people’s yiff… And I actually like this. It still doesn’t erase the memories in my head, but I’m sure I avoided a lot of further torments, and I don’t really miss it, I guess I’m actually ready to let go.

I have browsed and even saved art before, even very recently. Even this very year I’ve been doing some intense art download from artists that I already knew and that represented something really important to me, as their creations became an important part of me, whether I liked that nor not. This is part of my archivist nature, and even though I intend on never looking at their art ever again, I just had to get it. There is a long story in regards to that, and it can be read here , but the important thing to take is that this journey was the last dive into other people and things are different now. I was already mostly familiar with them, so it was okay, but I truly never want to know about any artist that I didn’t know before.

Since I truly wish to never see the works of any other artists ever again , this brings obvious implications for some common interactions in the fandom. Art trades and gifts are obviously out of the question, since you would not be able to show me what you’ve made for me. I’m not going to check it, so please refrain from trying to gift me things.
It would not upset me too much that you’ve drawn my characters or anything, but if you genuinely intend on making me happy with that, then it will result in a very awkward situation that will make us both uncomfortable. Clarifications here .
I still worry about people drawing my characters, however, but because I think that can actually be helpful to me, I will not discourage people from doing it, I just beg you to please never let me know. More info on how I feel about collabs, gifts, fanart and so on here .

Another very important request that I have for anyone interacting with me or leaving comments on my pages/submissions is to PLEASE NEVER speak the name of other artists, commissioners or users. This includes artists that are completely outside of the fandom like producers of popular shows, anime, cartoons or what have you. I will also try my best to NEVER namedrop anything relevant in this fandom, and if it happens, call me out because I would have betrayed my ideals.
I also ask that you do not try to circumvent it or to triangulate it like we’re playing 20 questions. We’re not. It’s important for me to have this restriction and here is why .
Let’s just pretend to be absolutely clueless even about extremely popular artists. Who is that? Never heard of that person in my life and I have no idea what you’re talking about. Of course some influences in my art can be quite obvious, PLEASE DO NOT POINT IT OUT. I’m not trying to hide it, we all know, okay? No need to say it, even if you are that artist.
The same goes for entire franchises, though those are way harder to hide, so I might mention some but please don’t introduce me to new names. If it’s something I’ve mentioned before, you can repeat it, otherwise, assume I shouldn’t know about it. These franchises and shows are technically art, so same rules for why I don’t browse apply .

If you dislike things I create, know that it is not at all my intention to shock, disturb or upset anyone with my art, if you GENUINELY believe that what I create is wrong, I’m open to a SERIOUS conversation in private about it. I still have a lot of problems accepting some things out there and suffer a lot for it, so I’m not going to tell anyone to “just deal with it” or “just ignore it” or that “it’s a you problem” and things like that. We can discuss it and try to reach an agreement. Maybe I can show you it’s not that bad, or you can show me that it is wrong and I’ll try to change my ways. I’ve changed before, and I really wish I got kinkshamed instead of encouraged in a certain situation a long time ago. It would have prevented me from doing a lot of things I regret. I don’t care if anyone is being rude to me, if you feel like I need to have boundaries set, call me out, it’s better like that. More on this here .
That said, I’m still not ready to discuss the other way around, if someone wants to convince ME that things I dislike are good. Maybe one day, but not yet. For things I dislike you can check this .

I hate that feeling of social obligation that we get when we think we have to reply to others, comment on their stuff or favorite their submissions. If you ever catch yourself feeling a bit uncomfortable because of this internal obligation to comment, reply or favorite, know that I 100% support not doing it. Don’t try to force comments or replies out like I used to so long ago, and don’t feel forced to fav everything.
This of course also applies to me, though a bit differently since I refuse to have contact with artwork from other people, but it basically means you shouldn’t expect me to reply to every comment, or to thank people for their kind words, for faving my stuff or for watching me. More in regards to this .

And finally, I’d like to provide some extra background on myself, what I do and how I operate, since I probably won’t get intimate enough with anyone to bring this up:
Again, for who I am, you can go here .

I do not have anything diagnosed, but it is likely that I’m in the autism spectrum. Those stupid online tests always say I might be, and while I don’t know if they can be trusted, I do seem to match the description. I also have some other self-diagnosed thingies and they’re elaborated somewhere here .

I’m trying really hard to improve my work ethics and be more diligent with how I go about things. It’s still very hard and I constantly fear that I’m not being enough or doing enough. I’m still very unsatisfied with my ability to push myself and to make myself work, even if I actually improved a lot so far, more on that here .

I have a lot of drawings and creations from the past, which I may or may not have posted here already. I value and treasure my past a lot, and while I never intended to share a lot of it, or planned to, I’ve been considering it lately, so I might have by now. I’ll try to always point out when something is from the past, and not current, but either way, the time and date are always in the drawing somewhere, as that is very important to me, so all drawings will have very accurate dating in them anyway. Here is more on that .

Surprisingly enough, erotic drawings and stories aren’t my only interests, and sometimes I may focus on those, which would lower my production of erotic content a bit. I don’t have a lot of other hobbies, but I do enjoy a lot of science stuff, as well as creating systems and watching them work. Because of that, I may eventually talk about very dry science stuff, or engage in the creation of things like conlangs or programming games and simulations, which I’ve been trying to get into for a long time. More info here if you’re curious.

Lastly, I had A LOT of projects I really wanted to complete before I returned to the fandom, so that I could come back all neat and organized, with impressive things to show, but the combination of returning 6 months earlier and not progressing as much as I wanted made me fail on that. I intend to continue working on these projects as I’m posting and living here, since they’re very important to me.
Other than gamedev projects and conlang projects, these include things like a booru-like file browswer , my compendium of fetishes , a bestiary of my species bestiary of my species , and most importantly, the lore background on my main characters and sonas .

Thank you for the attention, as it is really important to me. I know it’s a lot to read, but only dive deeper if you’re truly interested and curious about it. As long as you follow the rules in the front page, it should avoid any grievances. Again, those are:

•Don’t expose me to content related to suffering, agony or very grimdark/bleak things. If anyone is dying, crying or wants others to, then keep in mind that it will ruin my week.
•Never tell me that you have drawn my characters, got someone to draw my characters or that someone else is doing it. If it happens I don’t want to know.
•Don’t try to show me things, to send me links or get me to check things out. Don’t tell me about things I don’t know.
•Don’t tell me about artists I don’t know about, or any other source of fiction like franchises, games, movies, series, anime, cartoons, webcomics or what have you. Don’t mention names, don’t speak in code. Just pretend you are ignorant of everything.
•Don’t try to figure out the things I know or the artists I know, don’t point out the influences in my artstyle, interests, themes or ideas.
•Don’t get too close to me emotionally, don’t try to be my friend, don’t expect me to provide any personal or emotional support.

As a final note, keep in mind that I’m revealing a lot about myself in this little Wikipedia or whatever, so be mindful of that if you don’t want too much information. Now why would I reveal so much about myself when I used to be so cryptic? Info here .
Viewed: 1,352 times
Added: 10 months, 3 weeks ago
10 months, 1 week ago
(Don't visit my page)
I'm just a random guy that stumbled on these pages, and I noticed comments were allowed. I feel like it would be wrong not to say something after reading some of these journals. It's not a lot, but...

You sound very introspective, which can be both good and bad, but even with all of the thinking and calculations you've done, I can't help but think you've come to the wrong conclusion. It sounds like you're effectively blocking out everything from all possible sources. Time will tell, but I really question whether that's the right move, regardless of what you've done in the past. It sounds to me as if you don't trust yourself, but I don't see how you can ever reach the point of trusting yourself if you don't allow yourself to move or experience anything. I can only speak from personal experience, which obviously doesn't apply to everyone, but to me you can only improve by... showing you've improved. For some things, you just have to relax, even if it seems impossible.

I understand that you have some emotional things you're working through, which I'll admit I don't have a lot of experience with. It's just... the way you're going about it, I don't know if that's healthy. I'm hoping that your isolation is restricted to just what's going on digitally here, and you're at least getting some exercise in real life.

Just my two cents, since I would feel like a bad person if I read this stuff and then just left.
10 months, 1 week ago
Oh the isolation isn't physical, of course.
I'm going to be honest, it's hard to take anything from your comment if you don't go more specific.
Right now the only response I can think of is "well, I disagree based on what I know about myself".

Maybe I wasn't too clear on some of those, but the whole situation is a product of multiple things working together. Some are good things (like my affinity for being isolated and my immunity to loneliness), while others are bad things (like how negative reinforcement trained my brain to not allow other people's art to please me anymore).
All I can say is that given everything that happened and that is going on, this is the best I can do. I'm kinda locked between things, forced to take this position.
Unless I'm wrong, anything else would be counter-productive.

If I browsed stuff, then I wouldn't enjoy it due to worrying about what I'll see, so it's futile.
If I allow myself to enjoy it, I'll find something I like, only to find things that will ruin my mood (statistically likely, I have the data, and about a third of my encounters with erotic content that comes from other people results in me regretting checking).
If I make friends, the things I dislike will start putting an emotional pressure on both of us, as has happened before.
If I bottle that up and keep the friends, I'm going to snap eventually, as has happened before.
If I put a bunch of restrictions and start gatekeeping who can be near me, people will start lying to me, as has happened before.

I have been drawing more than I ever did in the last three years. I have been more organized and productive than I've ever been in the last three years.
My depression subsided massively since I left everything and isolated myself, things got better and I started believing that I have a future again.
So far this set of rules I have for myself seem to be working because I'm actually enjoying my return, and I'm not worrying as much.

I don't know what exactly you think I should be doing instead, I can't tell just from that comment. Do you think I should be more open? Actively trying to expose myself and stuff?
10 months, 1 week ago
Well, to be more specific... (I can be kind of harsh, that's why I was being more vague.)
I think if you have to avoid anything that might ruin your mood, your mood is too fragile, and continuing to avoid art will just keep it that way. That seems to be one of the root problems for avoiding friends, other artists, or any piece of media that you would probably enjoy. As a trade off for not having small sections of your life ruined, it sounds like you're shutting yourself away from things that would bring you joy.

If you could see things without taking in undo emotional pressure, you wouldn't have anything to bottle up in any given relationship. Other people could just be into other things, and those things wouldn't bother you. I don't think you need to set boundaries, I think you need to find a way to become more comfortable with the things that bother you.

I don't know what your finances are like, but the part (journal 13) about not being able to hold down a job reminded me of someone I know. The bit about not being able to handle stress in your real life is why I was worried about physical isolation, but I think this is another thing that might be linked to the distress you feel from viewing certain art. Frankly, if you do get a Patreon set up and begin selling art here or somewhere else, especially if you started making enough to make a living, how can you assure yourself that the pressure won't get to you here, too? Even if you keep yourself from growing attached to individuals, there is still a lot of pressure and commitment involved when you're trying to set up an online business. Are you ready for that?

My suggestion is basically, yes, to be more open. You don't have to expose yourself to people yet, but I don't think you can get by, keeping your eyes closed to everything that might bother you. I mean, obviously there are limits to this; there are tons of things on the internet I'd rather never see, but none of it is furry art (referencing journal 20). None of it is real. I know, you already know, you said as much, but when you're using them as an excuse to stop browsing art entirely, I can't accept that answer. There's too many worse things happening in real life to have moral dilemmas over what someone wrote in an Inkbunny story. Especially if you knew or talked to a person on a regular basis, and your opinion of them suddenly changes based on some fantasy they like, that's not right. Just looking at your own list of likes, there were several things on the list that I would never touch, and that I could have a lengthy monologue over in terms of their moral implications. But you're just a guy. You're not a murderer, you're not doing anything illegal, you have a moral compass, you doubt yourself just like everyone else. I can't judge you based off what you do on a furry website or on some random video games.

Anyway, I apologize. I probably said a little too much there.
Yeah, I think you should expose yourself more. It won't feel good, but the more you do it, the easier it becomes.
10 months, 1 week ago
Don't worry, I appreciate opposition.
On the bit about work and stuff, yes, I thought about it. I think I tried to detail that too.
I'd say there are three main things that make the fandom different from normie jobs:
1 - No boss to disappoint or worry about impressing, behaving properly, etc. I have my own schedule, my own routine, my own goals. I just work better like this, so it does make a HUGE difference.
2 - Because we're all at least a little bit weird, there is also less social pressure when it comes to my behavior. I can be me, unlike in real life. This is my territory, too, I don't have to feel uncomfortable, lost in an environment that is unfamiliar to me.
3 – I’m a lot more skilled in lewd art than anything else, but I have no experience with other stuff. I feel like I have to climb a hill under pressure and I hate it. It’s probably not very modest of me to say but if you look at my gallery and the number and quality of drawings I've been pumping out in these last 10 days, we can agree that I was born for this.

About the rest, well… it kinda makes less sense now… since… that’s what I’m doing…
I’m here now, right? This is the second week, so I wouldn’t really expect any miracles, but I’m already exposing myself a lot more than I was in isolation, we can see where it goes from here. I don’t know how else I could be more open or engage people.
I can imagine being in discord servers centered on fetish X Y Z, and discussing horny ideas with them and stuff, but that’s about it. Honestly… completely ignoring my problem with things I dislike, it might not be the best call. This barrier between me and socialization makes me more productive. If I was sharing ideas and chatting, I would be creating less, I’d rather share my ideas when I post a submission.

My trouble with friends is probably unfixable. It was there since I was young, it isn’t just because of things I dislike, I feel a lot better when I can treat strangers like friends and friends like strangers, so this seems to be just the way I function.

For actively browsing, yeah, no. I’m not going to repeat myself or dump a lot of info, but I can tell that it’s just not worth it. What the heck would I get from it? Mild amusement? Slight inspiration?
Those do not counter the benefit of running an experiment on how my art evolves without that inspiration, of avoiding disappointment when not finding things I wanted or being bothered by the drawing not hitting the right spot, or by seeing that the artist doesn’t have anything else like that.
10 months, 1 week ago
We can agree to disagree that you were born for this lol. Jokes aside, I don't actually know anything about your finances, so... time will tell. I wish you the best, though!

I do want to comment on #2 in that first paragraph, though, since I do come from a similar spot. I felt exactly the same way until I forced myself to stick with a job (this is NOT a commentary on you or anyone else, this is literally just how it happened for me, and I'm just using it to push a separate point). I found that people in real life, for the most part, aren't that... "normal". Not sure if that's the best way to explain it. Yeah, it's not as NSFW-laden as it tends to be in the furry community, but people aren't that different, they just have different interests, if that makes any sense. People are encountering you at the same time you're encountering them. I eventually found that it was my own perception that was skewing most of my social interactions, rather than the other way around, and I ended up having to analyze what "being myself" really meant. Keep in mind, I'm not talking about gaining friends. I don't have any more friends now than I had before, but I don't feel nearly as much social anxiety as I used to.

I don't know if any of that applies to anyone, so I'm just going to move on... :P

On the second paragraph, you're right, you haven't been back that long, so it's a good idea to see where things take you first. I'm only writing because I'm dubious of where things are going, but if you end up at a good spot, you could literally ignore almost everything I'm saying. I do want to clarify though that I think you should expose yourself to people in a non-horny fashion (that came out wrong). What I mean is, just try making regular, platonic friends with people that isn't based on anything fetish-related. You have other interests, you were a biology major, right?
Also, when it comes to being productive... isn't your craft is a creative one? Chatting and sharing ideas makes you more productive, not less. Where are you getting inspiration if you aren't talking to anyone and aren't viewing anything?

Which relates to your last point. It's kind of questionable if an artist's art is even capable of evolving without inspiration. Especially given the nature of your work, I question where it can go with your current setup. I reiterate, though, you're right, it has only been two weeks. These things need time to test and sort out, and I do sincerely hope you have good luck here.
9 months, 3 weeks ago
It's nice that you care, Nesto.

But to be honest, despite the fact that I agree with you completely, and felt like saying the same thing, is that really how simple it should be? Maybe Space Wolfy is right.

Just as magnets attract the opposite pole, what if there was a third pole that only repels, and attracts nothing whatsoever? A scientific anomaly. Yet if it exists... Then it must have some sort of meaning.

What I see here is that Space Wolfy is clearly in a deep meditative state, and wants absolute peace and harmony within, such that they want to avoid what they do not like. They want to be in a "good head space," without compromise.

In the crystal clear vacuum of their mind, is a peace beyond the Oort cloud. Far away in the darkness, they will ponder and create glorious art, and all we could do is get in their way. And worse than us, franchises, fandoms, consumer marketing, religious/political cults, and insanities of every sort are always trying to get into our minds.

Banish those things and live free. That's my opinion, at least.

In short, I think that Space Wolfy should do what they want, and not pretend like their thoughts were wrong to have.
However, as an appeal to simple fairness, it's also acceptable for Space Wolfy to change their mind if they choose.
9 months, 3 weeks ago
I don't disagree. We all have to live in this world, but of course there have been people who were able to drop everything, go off the grid, remove all stress from their lives, do what they want to do, etc., and come out perfectly fine. I do believe in meditation, and avoiding negative stimuli can definitely be healthy for the mind. Only time will tell. But...

There's still two things that are a little concerning to me here:
1. We're talking about porn (specifically, porn as a career).
2. The artist doesn't sound like he's enjoying himself based on the most recent journals and submission details (correct me if I'm wrong).

The nature of the art we're talking about should, ideally, be fun and pleasurable for the artist to create. It's a form of entertainment which very well could make for a nice, meditative atmosphere, since it's something that is usually very loose and lighthearted, especially when it's created for one's own self. That doesn't seem to be happening here, though. I don't see Pedroh attaining, or at least expressing, a good head space. He sounds very stressed. Not only that, but he's creating this art with the goal of a career, which means posting it publicly. We ("we" as in "people") will end up getting in his way, it's unavoidable, and I worry that that will compound the stress that's already there right now.

Just to be clear, I'm not saying he should try to "sound" like he's having a good time. That would be counterproductive. I'm saying that if he's not having a good time with what he's doing, something may not be working.

(And sorry for the late reply, I don't check my Notices very often...)
9 months, 3 weeks ago
First of all, where did this meditation talk come from, lmao?

Second of all, if you think I'm not doing okay now... you should have seen me last year. I'm actually chilling compared to how things used to be. What makes you think I've been stressed? I mean, more than how stressed I am normally? I just overwork myself often because I'm a workaholic by nature.
I just wish I could draw more and faster, but being far away from the fandom wouldn't help with that. At least having to post gives me motivation to work on stuff even if I wouldn't on my own. Any other job would make it worse, though.
9 months, 3 weeks ago
Lol, it was just a response to Twitchtail. The rest of us are basically just making assumptions here. I don't know how stressed you usually are, but if you're less stressed than before, that's good! Maybe in your off hours, you could try meditation to help you relax? Heh.
9 months, 3 weeks ago
Meditation never worked for me, I'm an overthinker, a pessimist and it's impossible to clear my mind. Things like meditation just invite bad thoughts.
22 hrs, 23 mins ago
21 hrs ago
I assume that's an expression of shock. It would be helpful to know what exactly you're directing that comment at. But thanks for checking it out.
I should probably update this thing and a bunch of the other journals too, since I wrote them before I knew what the fandom would be like here when I came back. But most of it still stands, especially the really critical stuff.
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