[01] MAIN JOURNAL by PedrohSpaceWolfy < Journal | Inkbunny, the Furry Art Community

PLEASE READ THIS to get familiar with how I function.
I can be VERY weird, even for the fandom, and my behavior can be unexpected.
This journal contains a few general points that explain some of that, and it also leads to other journals that go more in-depth.
No one needs to read the in-depth stuff, unless they are curious, but please read the first part.

THE LIST BELOW goes into very important points about things that can make me very uncomfortable.
A lot of these things are UNEXPECTED so it’s important that people know. Hopefully this will help people avoid upsetting me on accident.
This list also has some points about my personality and behavior so that people don’t get surprised by it.

• I get upset EASILY, please trust me when I say this stuff is IMPORTANT.

• I SERIOUSLY DISLIKE content that is very cruel or bleak (crying, dying, agony, bad endings, despair, hopelessness) and I get upset at those that enjoy or make it. DO NOT MENTION ANYTHING INVOLVING THAT TYPE OF STUFF.

• I avoid finding out about new things and I DON’T WANT TO BE SHOWN ANYTHING NEW. I don’t browse art or watch fiction anymore. Please don’t try to show me anything.

• Please DO NOT mention artists or franchises around me, and understand that I will pretend not to know them. I DO NOT WANT TO TALK ABOUT FRANCHISES OR OTHER ARTISTS. I don’t even want it talked about near me.

• I do not take art trades, and I DO NOT ACCEPT GIFTS. DO NOT DRAW ANYTHING FOR ME, I WILL NOT LOOK AT IT.

• If people draw my characters, I DO NOT WANT TO KNOW ABOUT IT, DO NOT TELL ME ABOUT IT. If you ask to draw my characters, the answer I will give is NO. But I know I can’t stop anyone.

• I CANNOT make new friends. I can be friendly, but making friends with me is probably IMPOSSIBLE. If you aren’t someone I know already, it is probably futile to try.

I will go into deeper detail about all of that below. Some of it links to journals that go into even deeper detail.
But if you’re not interested, just keep the points above in mind. THEY ARE VERY IMPORTANT.

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PART 1 – THIS MAIN JOURNAL:
This journal is meant to be something of a hub for important information about me.
It gives some details on things that people should maybe know about me, as well as containing links for more details and explanations in some of them.

I did change my mind since last time.
I was revealing too much before, as some form of therapy, but now I’m embarrassed about it. Not a big deal, though.
I also struggled with some things because I wasn’t pushing my style onto the world hard enough.
This new version will change that.
It will reveal less, and it will be made in a format that is comfortable to me, even if it might seem silly nor not make sense to others.

Another thing that changed is that I got a taste of how people react to me, now that I have posted a bit and got some responses from previous journals.
I had no idea how people would treat me when I wrote the previous versions. Because of that, parts of the way I did things before were unnecessary.

I also regret the way I relied on the future, making promises to myself and others that I failed to keep.
Things changed and did not go to plan at all, so while it was reasonable for me to think it would go as planned, it didn’t.
This will be addressed below (part 6).

As of writing this, though (Mar 2023), I’m not even stable yet, so I might be repeating the same mistakes from before, but I need to make a move, so I don’t have much of a choice. I might update it later.

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PART 2 – PERSONAL DETAILS:
This part will give some details about me and the things that people should probably know about my personality, tastes, what I draw, some miscellaneous behavior and so on.
This is for the usual questions I would expect people to ask (only for what I would bother answering).

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2-a) WHAT I DRAW AND WHAT I LIKE:
I make a lot of lewd content and my stuff can be VERY NSFW.
I do a lot of fetish stuff that can be weird, gross or both, and it can be very bizarre sometimes.
It can also be a little puzzling, or not make sense. I expect this to become more of a thing as the disconnect grows between me and the art of other people.
For more specific details on the themes I draw, go HERE ([03] THEMES I DRAW).

It’s important to point out that I DO NOT have a “strong filter” or “high tolerance” to most fetishes and forms of content, even though what I draw can be considered “disturbing” by some. Don’t assume I’d stomach some fetishes just because of what I like.
I like to think my sensibility to stuff makes sense, but I feel like pointing this out because it can surprise people (and has surprised people in the past).
More on that later (part 3) or HERE ([08] CONTENT OF MY TRAUMA).

I also do a lot of RANDOM stuff, meaning that instead of sticking to a single setting, or repeating characters and settings, I keep on just making random stuff that isn’t meant to stick. Keep that in mind.
Most “characters” I feature aren’t even characters, are not planned, are being drawn for the first time and I probably won’t draw them again.
There is also more on that HERE ([03] THEMES I DRAW).

Outside of lewd art, things that I enjoy have to do with the known, the unknown and the unknowable. Things like systems and how they work, sciences, fictional sciences, aesthetics, symbolism and the occult.
I might do some SFW art now and then, especially if it is for my main setting.
More info on this goes HERE ([04] OTHER THINGS I LIKE).

Do not expect me to be social about my interests, though.
I do not wish to bond with anyone over any of this, but I’m happy to just show it to people who want to see it.

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2-b) WHAT I’M LIKE:
I don’t feel like giving a lot of details anymore. I don’t feel like that is necessary.
These are silly personal things that I expect some people would ask out of curiosity. I guess this is the part you could expect from a “normal” bio.
Still, I don’t feel like giving information just because it’s the “expected thing to do” anymore, or because it’s normal. I guess that already says something about me.

First I should mention my fursona. I see my fursona as myself. I don’t treat my fursona like a character, but like my fursona is me. My fursona is my fictional self, because I dislike reality so much.
Someone can get a good idea of what I’m like from my fursona, but my fursona is my happy self, and I don’t like presenting that version of me too much.
This can be seen in how I tend to keep my sona away from other people, but also in the secret language I’m making (more on part 5-d).
My happy side is not a side of me I want to share with real people.

I should also mention my OCD and potential autism, since these can get in the way of me doing things. I expect this to be clear to anyone who has been watching me since around 2021 or 2022.
I can struggle A LOT with things that are very easy for most people.
I can have weird mental barriers that people might not understand.
I need things done in a particular way or else my brain freezes.
I could have done a lot more if that wasn’t the case.
So I struggled with posting even though to some it made no sense. I know that it looked like I had no reason to be struggling so much, but it’s just the way I am.
I’ll say more about that later.

I’m also not open to friendships, but more on that later (part 2-d).
I might not interact with comments as much anymore, more on that later (part 4-a).
I’m upset very often, and I can be very volatile, moody, cynical and sarcastic, and I make no effort to make it clear when I’m doing that. I feel like I shouldn’t interact with people very often.

When I first returned, I think I was revealing a lot because I was leaving the door open for a connection with the fandom.
That changed, so I don’t feel like giving more details. More on that later (part 2-f).

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2-c) ME AND KAT:
Kat will show up in a lot of my drawings. She is very important to me.
She is both real and not. Somewhere in between. More than just a character.
Kat is a tulpa, or a form of imaginary friend that has some sentience or her own will.
She only exists in my head, but she can want, say or feel things separate from me, but we know everything the other is thinking.
I created her accidentally by unknowingly following the steps for tulpa creation.

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2-d) THE OLD ME:
Even before me going public again in 2021, this isn’t my first time.
Originally I openly named all of the other aliases I went by. That’s all still there for those who are curious, but I don’t feel like mentioning it.
Just know that I have done a lot of stuff publicly before 2021.
I did a lot that I regret, especially in the more turbulent years of my trauma and hatred, but I don’t want to talk about it anymore.
Things were good a long time ago. Then things were really bad. Now I have to deal with that, and I’m still not over it.

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2-d) I DON’T MAKE FRIENDS:
If you’re not someone I knew from before I went into hiding in 2020, then your chances of befriending me are zero. If you think it will be different for you and that you wanna try (like some did before), then you will faceplant against a brick wall (like they did). I don’t want any friends.

The only person beyond Kat that I would consider a friend is someone from before. And I’m way more willing to be receptive to people I already knew from the old days. But anyone new? No. I’m done with that.
I seriously regret interacting with some people who I considered friends at some point, and I don’t want that anymore. I don’t need it. I don’t need to take this risk.
When I first returned I thought this could change, and that I could open up. But I feel like I only got sturdier with how much I want to avoid friendships.
More information: HERE ([05] NO FRIENDS POLICY).

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2-f) ME AND THE FANDOM:
As mentioned above, things happened. The stuff this fandom makes WAS really important to me (and fandoms surrounding kinky stuff in general).
I was never too social, but I always loved drawing things, and I loved looking at things more than anything else.
Then I saw things that made me change my mind, and now I’m really scared of what I can find in other people’s creations.
More on that later (part 3), or HERE ([08] CONTENT OF MY TRAUMA).

I’m back here because I’ll need to pay the bills eventually, and I don’t think I could do better on anything else.
As much as I’d rather go into hiding forever, anything else would be more torture than this. I’m too socially inept.
More information on how I feel about the fandom: HERE ([09] RELATIONSHIP WITH THE FANDOM).

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PART 3 – WHAT UPSETS ME AND WHY:
Like I said before, darker content can upset me A LOT, even though I like weird and bizarre stuff.
It can ruin my day, my week, the whole month, or even bother me years after. I still struggle with some memories from years ago.

It made me start avoiding things that I like, things that are safe, just because the risk is always there.
I stopped looking at other people’s art entirely.
And this goes beyond lewd stuff and fetishes, as horrible dark content can be mainstream, which means I have to avoid fiction in general.

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3-a) THINGS I DISLIKE:
First of all, I don’t mean to tell people what to like. I know I can’t.
I just wish people would understand how clear it is to me.

But like I said before, I REALLY dislike content that is cruel, bleak or grimdark, involving things like agony, bad fates, despair, hopelessness, nihilism, devaluing lives and so on.
Not caring about how someone is suffering, or even worse someone enjoying the agony of others just makes me EXTREMELY uneasy.
This could be coming from the characters being evil, or even the artist or those who enjoy the work, enjoying the torture of a character.
That’s it. To me it’s very fundamental and simple, hinging on empathy and well-being.

Be very careful with this, especially if you like something along those lines, because it can just make me feel REALLY bad, and I’ll react strongly to it, even if just internally.
Don’t mention it, don’t hint at it, it can ruin my opinion of you (if you care about that) and I’ll generally try to avoid interacting with people if I can help it.
Also do not tell me if this or that person is into it. I don’t want to know anything.

My brain just can’t handle it. I’ve tried to accept it for years, to tell myself what people tell me (that it’s not real, to each their own, and all that stuff), but it never works.
Something feels very wrong with it, and I can’t understand how some people are okay with that.
I could argue about it for days, but hopefully I’ll make my case more clear HERE ([08] CONTENT OF MY TRAUMA).

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3-b) I DON’T BROWSE ANYMORE, DON’T TRY TO SHOW ME STUFF:
Because I can be so sensitive to it, and because it’s not that hard to encounter, I decided to just STRONGLY AVOID all lewd art not made by me.
It used to inspire me a lot, and I used to enjoy it a lot, but I gave it up entirely. I had to.
I tried to use blacklists, I tried to just ignore what I didn’t like, I tried to have filters, but it never worked. I just don’t want anything anymore.

I don’t search for stuff anymore, I don’t look at it, and if I come across some of it by accident, I can cover part of my screen, close my eyes or look away.
I know it sounds silly, but I’ve been conditioned on emotional pain to react like that.

It doesn’t really matter if something is safe, because I still recognize danger in anything I didn’t draw myself.
And even if it IS totally safe and I know it, then it will just tempt me, and I know I can’t dive deep.
So I don’t want to look at anything anymore.

But it goes beyond that, and I avoid art in general, including fiction like shows, movies, cartoons, story-based videogames and so on.
This is because dark messed up stuff can go beyond yiff or drawn lewds, and popular culture is actually FILLED with non-lewd content that tortures me.
To me it’s not worth it to let this stuff enter my mind anymore, even if it means giving up on a lot of potential entertainment.

Most of this is repeated Explanation HERE ([07] WHY NOT BROWSE ANYMORE). But there could be some extra details there.

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3-c) DON’T MENTION ARTISTS OR FRANCHISES:
Because of the above, I obviously don’t want to know about artists or franchises that I’m not familiar with.
And of course I also don’t want to know anything of the artists and franchises that make me suffer.
So I ask people to just not say any names, it will make me uncomfortable, and if you end up mentioning someone that REALLY ruined me, then it will make me feel REALLY bad.

I don’t want to start any drama, of course, as that would put a massive target on my back, so me not saying anyone’s names is a way to avoid that.
I just feel like a lot of people can be angered if I expressed what I think of some franchises or some artists, so it’s probably best to never talk about it.
So I’ll pretend that I don’t know anything, and that I don’t know anyone.
I ask anyone interacting with me to do the same. I’ll probably just avoid you otherwise.

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PART 4 – COMMENTS, GIFTS, ART TRADES:
Because of the points above (in part 3), I obviously struggle a bit with some common fandom interactions.
Here I’ll go over some important things that people should know about that.

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4-a) MY RELATIONSHIP WITH COMMENTS NOW:
At first I was willing to read comments and engage comments. I kinda liked to, and I was open to it.
Some things happened, however, and now I don’t really want to interact that much anymore.
I still check the notifications but I only skim through comments looking for question marks.
I feel like it is rude not to answer questions, so I’ll try not to ignore questions.
But still, I don’t really feel like the comments on my own submissions are safe for me. I’ll be cautious. I don’t want to block comments but I might do it eventually.

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4-b) I DON’T LOOK AT GIFTS:
Because I refuse to look at new art, there is no way I am looking at gifts.
DO NOT DRAW THINGS FOR ME, it will be uncomfortable for us both. I won’t look no matter what.
If you want to gift me something, there are non-artistic ways of doing it that I’ll talk about below (part 4-d).

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4-c) DON’T DRAW MY CHARACTERS, PLEASE:
It is silly, but I don’t think I trust the fandom well enough to feel comfortable with my characters in its hands.
Knowing the stuff that people do and the stuff that people like, I just don’t find it savory to have the same people handle my characters.
It feels like my territory, and I would like control over that, at least. But I know I can’t really stop anyone.

More importantly, though, NEVER tell me that it was done.
Whether you did it, or you want to warn me of someone who did it, it doesn’t matter, I don’t want to know. Do not tell me.
If you ask me for permission, I’ll know it is being done, so the answer will be no.
Again, this is not a big deal, I just don’t wanna know about it.

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4-d) WHAT I’M WILLING TO TRADE FOR FREE ART:
Now, while I’m not willing to do “normal” art trades, I can still trade free drawings for something else.
This is a bit complicated, and I don’t expect people to understand, but you can do some tasks and errands for me, in exchange for free drawings.

What exactly those are will vary and change based on my current needs, but they are non-artistic things.
Some examples are getting data, doing research, decompiling games/applications, coding programs that would be useful to me, contributing to some of my projects and so on.
Most of it will probably involve coding or programming, or tutorials that help me learn something I want to learn.

Because the specifics can vary a lot, the quality of the drawings and the amount of drawings should be discussed on a case-by-case basis.
For more details on what I need, I’ll leave this journal HERE ([06] ART TRADE QUESTS).
Again, it will probably keep changing as my needs change, so if you want free art and you think you can deliver some of those, I’m open to it.

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PART 5 – POSTING, MY WORKFLOW, PECULIAR THINGS:
This part is interesting for people who care about my posting rhythm, and how I do things.
This goes over some of the specific things I do, and the specific ways I go about things.

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5-a) POSTING IN ORDER AND PREVIOUS ISSUES:
This is where I expect people to be confused about why I stopped posting for so long.
It has to do with burning out and side-projects piling up, but also with some mental barriers I have when it comes to posting.

It might seem silly, but I feel uncomfortable if I’m posting things arbitrarily and out of order.
I tried this for a while after my tablet pen broke and I needed to replace it (since I totally lost the rhythm) and I HATED it, it’s a big part of what made me stop.
I feel like I just get lost and it gets harder to keep track of all the things I keep track of, so my brain has to do extra work and it is exhausting.

So I only want to post things in the order I draw them, starting from the 2020 drawings.
This isn’t a strict rule, and sometimes I can post older things out of order, but it has to be the norm, or else I get very stressed with posting.
As a result, the drawings I post are OLD and FROM THE PAST, so I’m just going through a massive backlog of drawings and nothing I post has been made recently.

Another issue is tagging, which I struggled with a lot, more on that later (part 5-c and part 6).
To fix this I tried to make a tag helper, but it wasn’t good enough, so I had to make a 2.0 version.
As of right now (Mar 2023) it’s not done yet, but I don’t want to post without having that done.

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5-b) PROBLEMS WITH MY PRODUCTIVITY:
I used to feel really good about being able to do at least two full drawings a day, and I came back into the fandom in 2021 with that confidence.
That soon crumbled, because I lost that ability for some reason.

There was a week in April 2021 where I was making 8 full colored and shaded drawings a day (for 4 days), and now I can barely do one.
I think I’m just burning out too much and losing confidence in myself, but I’m constantly trying to find ways around that, by trying easier drawing techniques.
I hope to post at least 2 drawings a day, and also make 2 drawings a day. We’ll see how things go.

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5-c) TAGS, LACK OF CENSORED THUMBNAILS, MULTIPLE ACCOUNTS:
I struggled a lot with tagging, because most sites don’t really have good systems in place for “perfect” tagging.
I feel like I need “perfect” tagging for three reasons: My brain just likes it organized and well done, tagging is how I assume most new people find my drawings since I can hit a lot of obscure tags people browse, and of course I need to make sure people can blacklist things efficiently since I don’t like making censored thumbnails.

My reasoning for not censoring thumbnails is twofold.
I don’t wanna have to bother with one extra tedious step that will make the process of posting even more of a pain.
And also I KNOW that the thumbnails will make it harder for people to see what the piece is before they click, which means I won’t catch the eyes of people browsing as much.
I would put up with the second if the first wasn’t such a hassle, and if a site provides some AI-driven “automatic thumbnail censor” or whatever, I’m all for that.
But I feel like that responsibility belongs to the platform, not to me.

On InkBunny, I mostly just rely on tags and on the system letting people blacklist what they don’t like.
This is why most of my tags are based on how they work on InkBunny.
I’ll try my best to cover all possible aliases for the tags people use (which can be a lot, because it is somewhat disorganized), so that blacklists function perfectly.

On FurAffinity that is not an option, because FurAffinity doesn’t allow blacklisting yet.
My answer to that is making four main accounts to “censor” my content for people who do not like certain things.
The divisions are between “vanilla” content, gross content, weird content and of course all content.
The MAIN account posts ALL content I’m willing to share.
The WEIRD account repeats all content except for the things that are gross, so it’s CLEAN-WEIRD.
The DIRTY account repeats all content except for the things that are weird, so it’s MUNDANE-DIRTY.
And the TAME account only repeats the content that isn’t bizarre or gross.
There is a FA-only journal explaining it in more detail HERE.

I WILL ALSO USE TAGS ON FURAFFINITY, but place them on the description due to the absurd limitations of the normal tag system.
This allows tags to be used in searching, and allows for a lot more tags.

On HicceArs, there is also a four-account system much like on FurAffinity, but I will also rely on heavy-tagging because HicceArs does seem to have a blacklist.
I still have to scout the HicceArs tag system and I will probably just merge it with InkBunny tags to catch both.

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5-d) WHAT IS THAT SECRET LANGUAGE I’M WORKING ON:
I’m creating my own conlang to be “our lovelang” (our meaning me and Kat). And there are a few reasons behind it:
I wanted to make my own conlang back in the day, when I started this project.
I wanted a secret language to write my intimacies in my diaries in case anyone made their way into my diaries.
Now I want a language that can replace real languages for me and Kat, since real languages can have some uncomfortable things in them.
And now I want a language to function as a soft filter for TMI stuff that I might put in my descriptions if it’s relevant to the drawing. This way only those who are dedicated to knowing what it is will ever read it.

I have some concerns, since while the language can be learned by anyone, the mods might dislike this whole deal.
I say this because I know that some streamers forbid languages in their chat that no mod speaks, since it cannot be moderated.
I hope I can do this, or else I’ll just straight up cut parts of my descriptions and people will miss on details.

Either way, this language is supposed to be super happy, and it’s the way I have of trying to reconnect with my happy side.
If I’m being happy, it should be in this language.
More about it HERE ([10] OUR-CONLANG).

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5-e) MY LENGTHY DESCRIPTIONS:
As some may or may not have noticed, I can release a deluge of words in some of my submission descriptions.
There is a reason for this, and it is that I like registering things about my drawings very tightly.

I used to not do it, and let the context behind the drawing either be lost to time, or have small fragments survive buried in my diaries.
When I started doing descriptions for myself, I wondered why I wasn’t doing it sooner.
I keep all my descriptions in a spreadsheet file where I keep information about my drawings, and I try to register as much context and relevant information as I can.
I share these descriptions because writing new descriptions that are shorter would be extra work, so it’s either the raw stuff or nothing.

As a result, these descriptions should NOT be taken as me talking to my “audience” in the present.
It’s mostly me talking to myself, or to a fictional, potential “audience” in my head, since by the time the drawing goes public, several months have passed, so whatever was written is probably historical or outdated at this point.

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PART 6 – ADDRESSING 2021 AND MY FAILURE TO RETURN SO FAR:
Things obviously did not go how I planned, and while I wanted to quickly reestablish myself into the fandom in 2021, that all ended up crashing and burning.
This part will go over the problems that have caused me to step away again for all this time, since mid-late 2021 all the way to now, early 2023.

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6-a) HOW I WANTED IT TO GO:
My BetterHelp “therapist” at the time advised me to return to the fandom sooner, rather than later (mid 2021 instead of 2022), and I also wanted to hit some specific important dates.
2021 was going to be the 10 year anniversary of many important moments of me becoming a furry, including the first time I’ve drawn lots of things that are now very important to me. So I cared a lot about the year going well.

I was prepared to be noticed by some people really fast, which is why I had some things in my journal addressing them, providing explanations that they could have wanted.
At first things were going as I expected, actually, and I did reach A LOT of the people I expected, even faster than I expected.
Had I continued, it would probably mean I would end up exactly where I thought I would.

I was also prepared to be a lot more social and open than I am now.
I was expecting myself to change, to soften, and I was feeling a pull towards being part of the community again.
All of this has obviously changed.

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6-b) WHAT PROBABLY WENT WRONG:
I came in all prepared and stuff, with my journals ready, doing things in the right date, and things went really well.
Then I started falling behind with some things. It was silly, but I was just struggling a bit, but nothing that was bad.

Earlier that year, something bad IRL happened, but it didn’t end in disaster so I managed to keep going.
I was doing the anniversaries and I still wanted the year to go well.
Then… I kinda got lost in commissions and I missed one important anniversary drawing.
I didn’t think that was a big issue, but things kept going down.

If the problem was only my work ethic and me failing to keep my own dates, then I probably would have recovered fast.
But something REALLY bad happened IRL, and it just ruined the whole year for me.
I don’t wanna talk about it, but I made a lot of sacrifices that year to make it the year I start growing again, to make it a special year. I was vulnerable.
So of course, fate decides to strike me when I’m vulnerable, and I really didn’t recover from that until mid-early 2022.

I tried to return in 2022, since I’m wasting A LOT of time and I feel HORRIBLE about it, but I didn’t feel comfortable enough.
I tried to do the anniversaries again, instead, as 11-year-anniversaries instead of 10.
For a while that went really well, and I had some good moments, isolated, just me and Kat, mostly, focusing on those important redraws and not on the fandom.
Then I failed that too, at the end of 2022.

Right now I’m trying to learn from all of that and have a more practical year, but I need to solve the underlying issues that prevented me from returning in 2022.
I want it to be comfortable, so I’m working on it.

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6-b) JOURNAL REGRETS:
And finally, why I’m re-making these journals.
Well, I have deep regrets with what I wrote before, because I counted a lot on how things were GOING to go, and all of that failed, of course.

The journals I wrote before were meant as a timeless thing, as something people could read to get an idea on who I was and what my gallery was about, whether it was the beginning of me posting or way later.
That was a mistake.
Since things didn’t pan out as I wanted, a lot of what I said there ended up being silly and stupid.

So now I’m re-making these introductory journals so that they can be more accurate, and hopefully I don’t make the same mistakes again.
I still plan on updating these as time goes, so we will see.

I have also given up on most of my projects, which also makes a lot of the journals obsolete.
I want to restart fresh, without really having to worry about any projects in 2023. The plan is to just do the tag helper and return.
As of now (Mar 2023), that hasn’t happened yet, so we’ll see.
I might edit this part

Last modified 20/05/2023

Viewed:	2,350 times
Added:	2 years, 9 months ago 02 Jul 2021 07:46 CEST

25 Comments on this Journal

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Netslo56

2 years, 9 months ago

link

(Don't visit my page)
I'm just a random guy that stumbled on these pages, and I noticed comments were allowed. I feel like it would be wrong not to say something after reading some of these journals. It's not a lot, but...

You sound very introspective, which can be both good and bad, but even with all of the thinking and calculations you've done, I can't help but think you've come to the wrong conclusion. It sounds like you're effectively blocking out everything from all possible sources. Time will tell, but I really question whether that's the right move, regardless of what you've done in the past. It sounds to me as if you don't trust yourself, but I don't see how you can ever reach the point of trusting yourself if you don't allow yourself to move or experience anything. I can only speak from personal experience, which obviously doesn't apply to everyone, but to me you can only improve by... showing you've improved. For some things, you just have to relax, even if it seems impossible.

I understand that you have some emotional things you're working through, which I'll admit I don't have a lot of experience with. It's just... the way you're going about it, I don't know if that's healthy. I'm hoping that your isolation is restricted to just what's going on digitally here, and you're at least getting some exercise in real life.

Just my two cents, since I would feel like a bad person if I read this stuff and then just left.

PedrohSpaceWolfy

2 years, 9 months ago

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@ Netslo56

Oh the isolation isn't physical, of course.
I'm going to be honest, it's hard to take anything from your comment if you don't go more specific.
Right now the only response I can think of is "well, I disagree based on what I know about myself".

Maybe I wasn't too clear on some of those, but the whole situation is a product of multiple things working together. Some are good things (like my affinity for being isolated and my immunity to loneliness), while others are bad things (like how negative reinforcement trained my brain to not allow other people's art to please me anymore).
All I can say is that given everything that happened and that is going on, this is the best I can do. I'm kinda locked between things, forced to take this position.
Unless I'm wrong, anything else would be counter-productive.

If I browsed stuff, then I wouldn't enjoy it due to worrying about what I'll see, so it's futile.
If I allow myself to enjoy it, I'll find something I like, only to find things that will ruin my mood (statistically likely, I have the data, and about a third of my encounters with erotic content that comes from other people results in me regretting checking).
If I make friends, the things I dislike will start putting an emotional pressure on both of us, as has happened before.
If I bottle that up and keep the friends, I'm going to snap eventually, as has happened before.
If I put a bunch of restrictions and start gatekeeping who can be near me, people will start lying to me, as has happened before.

I have been drawing more than I ever did in the last three years. I have been more organized and productive than I've ever been in the last three years.
My depression subsided massively since I left everything and isolated myself, things got better and I started believing that I have a future again.
So far this set of rules I have for myself seem to be working because I'm actually enjoying my return, and I'm not worrying as much.

I don't know what exactly you think I should be doing instead, I can't tell just from that comment. Do you think I should be more open? Actively trying to expose myself and stuff?

Netslo56

2 years, 9 months ago

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@ PedrohSpaceWolfy

Well, to be more specific... (I can be kind of harsh, that's why I was being more vague.)
I think if you have to avoid anything that might ruin your mood, your mood is too fragile, and continuing to avoid art will just keep it that way. That seems to be one of the root problems for avoiding friends, other artists, or any piece of media that you would probably enjoy. As a trade off for not having small sections of your life ruined, it sounds like you're shutting yourself away from things that would bring you joy.

If you could see things without taking in undo emotional pressure, you wouldn't have anything to bottle up in any given relationship. Other people could just be into other things, and those things wouldn't bother you. I don't think you need to set boundaries, I think you need to find a way to become more comfortable with the things that bother you.

I don't know what your finances are like, but the part (journal 13) about not being able to hold down a job reminded me of someone I know. The bit about not being able to handle stress in your real life is why I was worried about physical isolation, but I think this is another thing that might be linked to the distress you feel from viewing certain art. Frankly, if you do get a Patreon set up and begin selling art here or somewhere else, especially if you started making enough to make a living, how can you assure yourself that the pressure won't get to you here, too? Even if you keep yourself from growing attached to individuals, there is still a lot of pressure and commitment involved when you're trying to set up an online business. Are you ready for that?

My suggestion is basically, yes, to be more open. You don't have to expose yourself to people yet, but I don't think you can get by, keeping your eyes closed to everything that might bother you. I mean, obviously there are limits to this; there are tons of things on the internet I'd rather never see, but none of it is furry art (referencing journal 20). None of it is real. I know, you already know, you said as much, but when you're using them as an excuse to stop browsing art entirely, I can't accept that answer. There's too many worse things happening in real life to have moral dilemmas over what someone wrote in an Inkbunny story. Especially if you knew or talked to a person on a regular basis, and your opinion of them suddenly changes based on some fantasy they like, that's not right. Just looking at your own list of likes, there were several things on the list that I would never touch, and that I could have a lengthy monologue over in terms of their moral implications. But you're just a guy. You're not a murderer, you're not doing anything illegal, you have a moral compass, you doubt yourself just like everyone else. I can't judge you based off what you do on a furry website or on some random video games.

Anyway, I apologize. I probably said a little too much there.
Yeah, I think you should expose yourself more. It won't feel good, but the more you do it, the easier it becomes.

PedrohSpaceWolfy

2 years, 9 months ago

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@ Netslo56

Don't worry, I appreciate opposition.
On the bit about work and stuff, yes, I thought about it. I think I tried to detail that too.
I'd say there are three main things that make the fandom different from normie jobs:
1 - No boss to disappoint or worry about impressing, behaving properly, etc. I have my own schedule, my own routine, my own goals. I just work better like this, so it does make a HUGE difference.
2 - Because we're all at least a little bit weird, there is also less social pressure when it comes to my behavior. I can be me, unlike in real life. This is my territory, too, I don't have to feel uncomfortable, lost in an environment that is unfamiliar to me.
3 – I’m a lot more skilled in lewd art than anything else, but I have no experience with other stuff. I feel like I have to climb a hill under pressure and I hate it. It’s probably not very modest of me to say but if you look at my gallery and the number and quality of drawings I've been pumping out in these last 10 days, we can agree that I was born for this.

About the rest, well… it kinda makes less sense now… since… that’s what I’m doing…
I’m here now, right? This is the second week, so I wouldn’t really expect any miracles, but I’m already exposing myself a lot more than I was in isolation, we can see where it goes from here. I don’t know how else I could be more open or engage people.
I can imagine being in discord servers centered on fetish X Y Z, and discussing horny ideas with them and stuff, but that’s about it. Honestly… completely ignoring my problem with things I dislike, it might not be the best call. This barrier between me and socialization makes me more productive. If I was sharing ideas and chatting, I would be creating less, I’d rather share my ideas when I post a submission.

My trouble with friends is probably unfixable. It was there since I was young, it isn’t just because of things I dislike, I feel a lot better when I can treat strangers like friends and friends like strangers, so this seems to be just the way I function.

For actively browsing, yeah, no. I’m not going to repeat myself or dump a lot of info, but I can tell that it’s just not worth it. What the heck would I get from it? Mild amusement? Slight inspiration?
Those do not counter the benefit of running an experiment on how my art evolves without that inspiration, of avoiding disappointment when not finding things I wanted or being bothered by the drawing not hitting the right spot, or by seeing that the artist doesn’t have anything else like that.

Netslo56

2 years, 9 months ago

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@ PedrohSpaceWolfy

We can agree to disagree that you were born for this lol. Jokes aside, I don't actually know anything about your finances, so... time will tell. I wish you the best, though!

I do want to comment on #2 in that first paragraph, though, since I do come from a similar spot. I felt exactly the same way until I forced myself to stick with a job (this is NOT a commentary on you or anyone else, this is literally just how it happened for me, and I'm just using it to push a separate point). I found that people in real life, for the most part, aren't that... "normal". Not sure if that's the best way to explain it. Yeah, it's not as NSFW-laden as it tends to be in the furry community, but people aren't that different, they just have different interests, if that makes any sense. People are encountering you at the same time you're encountering them. I eventually found that it was my own perception that was skewing most of my social interactions, rather than the other way around, and I ended up having to analyze what "being myself" really meant. Keep in mind, I'm not talking about gaining friends. I don't have any more friends now than I had before, but I don't feel nearly as much social anxiety as I used to.

I don't know if any of that applies to anyone, so I'm just going to move on... :P

On the second paragraph, you're right, you haven't been back that long, so it's a good idea to see where things take you first. I'm only writing because I'm dubious of where things are going, but if you end up at a good spot, you could literally ignore almost everything I'm saying. I do want to clarify though that I think you should expose yourself to people in a non-horny fashion (that came out wrong). What I mean is, just try making regular, platonic friends with people that isn't based on anything fetish-related. You have other interests, you were a biology major, right?
Also, when it comes to being productive... isn't your craft is a creative one? Chatting and sharing ideas makes you more productive, not less. Where are you getting inspiration if you aren't talking to anyone and aren't viewing anything?

Which relates to your last point. It's kind of questionable if an artist's art is even capable of evolving without inspiration. Especially given the nature of your work, I question where it can go with your current setup. I reiterate, though, you're right, it has only been two weeks. These things need time to test and sort out, and I do sincerely hope you have good luck here.

twitchtail

2 years, 8 months ago

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Edited 2 years, 8 months ago by Owner

@ Netslo56

It's nice that you care, Nesto.

But to be honest, despite the fact that I agree with you completely, and felt like saying the same thing, is that really how simple it should be? Maybe Space Wolfy is right.

Just as magnets attract the opposite pole, what if there was a third pole that only repels, and attracts nothing whatsoever? A scientific anomaly. Yet if it exists... Then it must have some sort of meaning.

What I see here is that Space Wolfy is clearly in a deep meditative state, and wants absolute peace and harmony within, such that they want to avoid what they do not like. They want to be in a "good head space," without compromise.

In the crystal clear vacuum of their mind, is a peace beyond the Oort cloud. Far away in the darkness, they will ponder and create glorious art, and all we could do is get in their way. And worse than us, franchises, fandoms, consumer marketing, religious/political cults, and insanities of every sort are always trying to get into our minds.

Banish those things and live free. That's my opinion, at least.

In short, I think that Space Wolfy should do what they want, and not pretend like their thoughts were wrong to have.
However, as an appeal to simple fairness, it's also acceptable for Space Wolfy to change their mind if they choose.

Netslo56

2 years, 8 months ago

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Edited 2 years, 8 months ago by Owner

@ twitchtail

I don't disagree. We all have to live in this world, but of course there have been people who were able to drop everything, go off the grid, remove all stress from their lives, do what they want to do, etc., and come out perfectly fine. I do believe in meditation, and avoiding negative stimuli can definitely be healthy for the mind. Only time will tell. But...

There's still two things that are a little concerning to me here:
1. We're talking about porn (specifically, porn as a career).
2. The artist doesn't sound like he's enjoying himself based on the most recent journals and submission details (correct me if I'm wrong).

The nature of the art we're talking about should, ideally, be fun and pleasurable for the artist to create. It's a form of entertainment which very well could make for a nice, meditative atmosphere, since it's something that is usually very loose and lighthearted, especially when it's created for one's own self. That doesn't seem to be happening here, though. I don't see Pedroh attaining, or at least expressing, a good head space. He sounds very stressed. Not only that, but he's creating this art with the goal of a career, which means posting it publicly. We ("we" as in "people") will end up getting in his way, it's unavoidable, and I worry that that will compound the stress that's already there right now.

Just to be clear, I'm not saying he should try to "sound" like he's having a good time. That would be counterproductive. I'm saying that if he's not having a good time with what he's doing, something may not be working.

(And sorry for the late reply, I don't check my Notices very often...)

PedrohSpaceWolfy

2 years, 8 months ago

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@ Netslo56

First of all, where did this meditation talk come from, lmao?

Second of all, if you think I'm not doing okay now... you should have seen me last year. I'm actually chilling compared to how things used to be. What makes you think I've been stressed? I mean, more than how stressed I am normally? I just overwork myself often because I'm a workaholic by nature.
I just wish I could draw more and faster, but being far away from the fandom wouldn't help with that. At least having to post gives me motivation to work on stuff even if I wouldn't on my own. Any other job would make it worse, though.

Netslo56

2 years, 8 months ago

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@ PedrohSpaceWolfy

Lol, it was just a response to Twitchtail. The rest of us are basically just making assumptions here. I don't know how stressed you usually are, but if you're less stressed than before, that's good! Maybe in your off hours, you could try meditation to help you relax? Heh.

PedrohSpaceWolfy

2 years, 8 months ago

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@ Netslo56

Meditation never worked for me, I'm an overthinker, a pessimist and it's impossible to clear my mind. Things like meditation just invite bad thoughts.

KneeDeepInTheDead

1 year, 11 months ago

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JFC

PedrohSpaceWolfy

1 year, 11 months ago

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@ KneeDeepInTheDead

I assume that's an expression of shock. It would be helpful to know what exactly you're directing that comment at. But thanks for checking it out.
I should probably update this thing and a bunch of the other journals too, since I wrote them before I knew what the fandom would be like here when I came back. But most of it still stands, especially the really critical stuff.

scat

1 year, 10 months ago

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Edited 1 year, 10 months ago by Owner

I've been here for over 10 years now and under two profiles consistently.

I read all of it, and I believe I can understand, and at the same time not understand what you are experiencing. I can understand you like many others who rely on the reliability of the black list here. It shields you from experiencing content that would be undesirable when it works. It sounds like you recognize your difficulty with getting over the trauma undesirable content content causes you when the blacklist fails.

Unfortunately people don't come with blacklist, and can unknowingly present you with content that is undesirable. So you want visitors to your art to view your art, and leave without personally interacting with you or your characters.

What I don't understand is why you would want that. It sounds like everything you're trying to avoid. getting people to "act" "pretend" to be someone different around you. You want to be amongst other artist while avoiding other artist.

Being anti social, and distant yourself from people, their interaction, and subjects in our online society defeats the point of posting online.

I guess I don't actually know what you're looking for here here? What do you want people to say when they are acting the way you want them to act?

You said above you believe this is working for you, and believe there is no reason to fix what is technically not broken. I just got curiously after reading all that.

PedrohSpaceWolfy

1 year, 10 months ago

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@ scat

I have to rewrite these journals, but I've been procrastinating it because it's hard.
I don't think I explained everything very well.

What do I want from the fandom?
Mostly money. I’ll need it to exist. I need to get it somewhere.
Other sources are either harder for me, or more stressful.
Whenever I can find something better, I’ll probably pivot to that.

Then why do I seem enthusiastic about sharing my ideas?
There is a little part of me that is still desperately clinging to a lost past, and whether I worry about it or not, I have to share my stuff anyway.
So, I allow it to motivate me, despite the risk of disappointment or of regretting that some people are enjoying it in a way that I don’t want them to.
This is why I refuse to share some things that I’m comfortable with, but that I’m also sure people would enjoy in a way that I don’t want them to. Also why I have to be extremely careful with my art, and explain everything that it’s supposed to be.
Things did change since I wrote these journals, though. I was mellow because I just got done going through other people’s galleries for the last time, and seeing once again what I was missing out on.
But I got a lot more apathetic towards that since then. Sorry to anyone who might be upset or disappointed in knowing this, but my desire to be integrated again has declined a lot since then, and I don't really feel drawn to those "potential would-be friends had I never ran away" anymore.

Do I need a blacklist?
Not really, since I don't look at art anymore. I wasn't even using one until I had to scouting for tags to put in my tag-helper, and the blacklist was just to block the tags, and not the art, since I was minimizing my window to hide the art anyway.
If I had to rely on the world to protect me I’d be ruined. Even when it comes to people leaving comments, I can handle things myself. If I didn’t, I wouldn’t be here, I’d be trying to be a game developer.

Do I want to be around other artists?
Absolutely not. I don't want to see art, I would rather have everyone be my commissioners, appreciating my art while making none of their own.
I'm even sus of people's ideas, which is why I like doing unspecific commissions more. But of course I'm way more tolerant of people's ideas than of art.

Do I want people to pretend to be someone else when around me?
I think this is your biggest misunderstanding of me. That “everything I’m trying to avoid” is… people pretending?
No, what I try to avoid the most is being exposed to something that could take me from a good mood to a bad mood that could last days, weeks, months, and that I’ll remember for years, potentially. Things that will sour any drawings or ideas from the same time through memory association. Imagine thinking about something you like and remembering that bad memory. That’s what I deal with. I don’t want A SINGLE OTHER ONE.
I don’t want people. I don’t want friends. I don’t want relationships.
So ask yourself this: Even if it's not me, would you want to mention things around a person if you knew that makes them uncomfortable?
If people don't want to pretend, they don't have to interact with me.
If they want commissions, I won’t draw the things I dislike anyway, so why bring it up? Same goes for when I’m trading art for data, since they know that the things I dislike will disqualify them, why bring it up?

scat

1 year, 10 months ago

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Edited 1 year, 10 months ago by Owner

"	What do I want from the fandom? Mostly money

Sounds like a plan.

"	Do I want to be around other artists? Absolutely not. I don't want to see art, I would rather have everyone be my commissioners, appreciating my art while making none of their own.

"	I don’t want people. I don’t want friends. I don’t want relationships.

That covers everyone who could possibly care around here. You want nothing to do with anyone who could possibly care, and I'm making no attempt to change that.

Here's what I get from what you clarified here.
Isolation is what you seek while also seeking absolute appreciation from everyone for your creations. Your creations are the lipotomy of what you deem every commissioner here should seek. All artist in our community and beyond should lay down their pens, and seek commissioning you for the ideal art only you can, and should produce for the community.

You're pretty unique.
It appears one of your super powers is words. I don't believe there is anything anyone here can say that you can't counter with a novel explaining why you're right.

So I will agree and move along.

PedrohSpaceWolfy

1 year, 10 months ago

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@ scat

Still not quite what I meant, so I still want to clarify.
"Isolation is what you seek"
YES
"while also seeking absolute appreciation from everyone for your creations"
NO

I don’t need my art to be appreciated. I show it because I have to, in order to have a presence here, to attract people for commissions and things.
Even though I’m not doing Patreon or Ko-Fi yet, I need to give people a justification for them to help me keep going. That is why I share my art.

"You want nothing to do with anyone who could possibly care"
Care about what? My well-being? It would be kinda bleak to think that people would be uncaring to that just because I don’t want any personal connection to them.
Even so, I’m willing to be friendly, as well as provide business and free art, as long as I’m not in an environment that is so insufferable to me that I seek something else instead.
Even if they didn’t care about my emotions, I think most would care about that (though before I returned I feared they wouldn’t, and that I would be driven away pretty quickly, but that didn’t happen).

"Your creations are the lipotomy of what you deem every commissioner here should seek."
I don't think this AT ALL, and reading some of the descriptions in my submissions would show that.
More on that after the next point, I think you still misunderstood what I meant.

"All artist in our community and beyond should lay down their pens, and seek commissioning you for the ideal art only you can, and should produce for the community."
It’s hard for me to put it into words… but I think you took what I said to mean something more… virtue-driven? Or absolute?
I don’t think it SHOULD be like that, or that it would be BETTER or more RIGHT. No, not at all.
I'd just be safer and luckier here if I was the only artist, aka the reason I’m here would be improved by that. That’s just what would be more convenient to me.
If I found a better source of income, none of that would matter. The fandom could do whatever it wanted, and I would have no preferences anymore, since it wouldn’t affect me.

PedrohSpaceWolfy

1 year, 10 months ago

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@ scat

"It appears one of your super powers is words.”
If that were true, I wouldn't fail to get my thoughts across so often.

“I don't believe there is anything anyone here can say that you can't counter with a novel explaining why you're right."
What you said there can sound a bit passive-aggressive, and it’s something I’ve felt people doing, so I want to address it even if you didn’t mean it like that:
Saying that no one can change my mind is absurd. It has happened before. It can happen again.
I think it’s a bit harder here because these are very personal matters, so the subject one needs to understand in order to change my mind is ME. And it’s hard to know me better than I know myself.
If it was about something else like “is the Earth flat” (as a random example), then it would be easier to show that I’m wrong and make me change my mind (as I did with my “Everest argument”, which I now know is stupid).
Try to argue me on “the best way to bake garlic bread” and the “Pedroh will always find a way to be right” thing just falls apart, because I won’t contest something I don’t know much about.

Even with something as personal as someone saying “you and Kat are the same person, stop roleplaying with yourself”, I’d second-guess myself because I’m actually not sure. I wouldn’t just “prove them wrong”, if I don’t have the means to.
Now, if all of their premises and assumptions are paper-thin and held up with sticks and duct-tape, then what I can do is continue to see my view of it as the better model, since it held up better than the presented alternative. As soon as something better shows up, it will change my mind.

I hope this doesn’t come across as rude or pompous, but most people are NOT good at debating. So when I pull some cards out of my sleeve it can be frustrating, but that’s just because I’ve been thinking about a LOT of stuff for a LONG time.
I just have constant arguments inside my head, for years, so I could think about a lot of points and counter-points when it’s the most common themes, especially with deeply personal issues.

I didn’t perceive this as a debate, though, but what you said kinda leads me to think you saw it that way? I thought I was just clarifying what I meant, I didn’t see any points to debunk or anything, I was just explaining myself because the way you were describing my train of thought back to me did not line up with how I actually see things.
I am debating NOW the point that “Pedroh will always find a way to be right”, because I do have stuff to contest when it comes to that, but before this I didn’t think it was anything like that.

scat

1 year, 10 months ago

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Edited 1 year, 10 months ago by Owner

@ PedrohSpaceWolfy

It's like I said before your super powers is words. You could start with "let me clarify further" and we could be here clarifying for all eternity.

My goal here was to try and understand what you wrote.

Thanks for explaining.

Temporarye

11 months, 3 weeks ago

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Edited 11 months, 3 weeks ago by Owner

what i'm about to say is not an attack against you. it has nothing to do with the length of what you've written, what you're "into", or the subjects or topics of any art you produce or anything like that. it has to do with the actual content of this journal and the other entries connected to it:

please get therapy

PedrohSpaceWolfy

11 months, 3 weeks ago

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@ Temporarye

I WANT TO, I REALLY DO, but it's harder than people make it out to be.
I tried BetterHelp back then and it was okay, but expensive and I couldn't continue. I would like to try IRL, but I just know I'm gonna have to hop from professional to professional until I find an appropriate fit because basic counseling will do NOTHING for me, I need actual therapy and appropriate for my weird unique issues.
Considering the stress, the things I have to do, and the money it would consume, I just don't really have the conditions right now so I'm coasting along until I find some way to get that.
If I was given the means to like find the appropriate therapy online I'd be on top of that right now 100%.

Ryzquiem

9 months ago

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I see, that's unfortunate, but i appreciate the effort to keeping yourself together and the stuff you're already into, so no need for introductory stuff.
I'll look forward on doing business with you in the future however.

darkhive

2 months, 1 week ago

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I'm wanting to learn C#, assembly, C, and Python, so I could maybe code something for you in the future. Would you mind if these hypothetical programs would be released open source on a Git repository (i.e. Github) to help build my portfolio?

PedrohSpaceWolfy

2 months, 1 week ago

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@ darkhive

I wouldn't mind, don't worry. If you do anything you're more than welcome to release it open source.
Honestly I'm just glad to grab anything I can have.

LilRedNomad

1 month, 3 weeks ago

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First, recently stumbled into your art. I can dig it! Other than sketches and digital, try any other media? Jus curious n all. 🤔
Im beans at coding, but udemy sales or even the odd humble book or program bundles often get some great bang-to-buck ratio on more learning/mastering various languages than one would shake a stick at! 🪵

Do you keep a physical journal?
Not to keep anyone up to date or any misplaced feeling of obligation, just for you?

It could help if you wrote out in fine detail when things stopped being OK up to the present. Go back and read it like you're  an outside reading about a friend? It can be very hard, but it also is an exercise in cutting yourself some slack, letting yourself step back y'know? A reminder you've  survived all your worst days so far.

You know what you've  got going on is admirable, yeah? Clearly some bad times, and you keep on truckin'. I hope you let yourself heal into a good place, we of the wider world would love to hear more from ya!

Have you any advice for the unwillingly cripplingly isolated? Mental and emotional probs aside (which good gosh, have I got those), As of about new years a few years ago, I am "officially " disabled, can't  work, advised it's  not sage for me to drive. Busted computer to top off makes my phone my smol window to the world. I've  always wanted to be more social, and being wacky-alone, depressed/anxious/guilt complex like to holler at me a lot.

PedrohSpaceWolfy

1 month, 3 weeks ago

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@ LilRedNomad

>other media
I do 3D, am decent at non-character stuff, want to learn modeling and rigging characters soon.
I tried music but never practiced.
I tried gamedev but stopped.

>sales and bundles
I don't like spending money. I never trusted these courses.
I'm not good at learning through that anyway.

>journal
Digital, and very much so.
I have a big archive, all that is registered, multiple times over.
I already do all that.

>advice
I'm literally the worst person you can ask for advice on that.
Not only am I pretty ok with solitude (I actually thrive in solitude), but I'm never really alone, thanks to Kat.
Can't say I have any advice, sorry, I have no experience with that.

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