Okay, so as stated before. I really wanted to isolate myself completely and never interact with anyone ever again in regards to my true interests or any sort of intimate matters. This is both due to how browsing and looking at art became impossible to me , and to how having friends seems to be unhealthy to me . So why am I here at all? Well, the main reason is necessity, but I would be lying if I said that no part of me wants this. This will be difficult to explain, so let me clarify the necessity first.
My family still pays my bills but I need to change that. I thought about a lot of things, especially before, when returning to the fandom was out of question. I could try a career in biology, since I graduated on it. I could try to learn how to develop videogames and try making money from that. I could even get some basic low pay job. But I obviously have a reasoning to why I rejected all of these.
Research is stressful and I went into severe depression because of college and almost gave up on life entirely. Yes, that way. I might be able to change that about myself, but as I see right now, research is way too much for me. Other people who deal with scientific research often talk about how taxing it is on their mental health, and I’m already low on that resource. If you’re curious on what I would do if I pursued that route, I think it would be trying to simulate abiogenesis and the early development and emergence of living systems, which is something I might still try to do on my own, without any official pressure. More on that here , but I severely doubted my skills and never expected anyone to seriously be interested in what I can do, even though my professors and advisor encouraged me.
For game development the same applies, with me really doubting what I can do. It is also a very volatile field and there is no guarantee that I would actually manage to make any money from the games themselves. I knew that I could always set up a Patreon, but then again that puts me so close to being back in the fandom that I might as well try this out WHILE also here, eh? My interests often do not align with other people’s and I think this would also provide an additional barrier when it comes to making games. The games I might want to play might not please or capture the interest of a lot of people out there.
And for a basic job, a normal mundane job, well, I don’t know if I can. I’m not good with social situations at all and I shatter under any pressure or commitment. My failed internships at college showed me that I really need someone to either hold my hand entirely or give me full autonomy. If I’m expected to work within a system, I just break. Those failed internships were the most stressful things I’ve experienced outside of my trauma for some fictional things I hate, and I don’t want to go through that ever again. If I have to, then this life isn’t worth it. I’m not going to struggle that much just to suffer more. BESIDES, let’s be fair, there are thousands of people in my city who can do those things better than me. It’s foolish to fight for disputed positions when it doesn’t match your skillset, so I don’t really know if it would ever work for me. I would have to change myself so much first.
Now, I do have an option, and it would be to use my family’s help… AGAIN, and probably get a job from them, but I’d really like to try and spread my wings and do things on my own. That is the healthy thing to do. With this in mind, my fear of browsing and of making friends doesn’t really seem that big of a problem for this way of making money, especially considering that when it comes to drawing smut, I’ve been doing it for ten years, so this is definitely what I’m most skilled at. I think I have a real chance at this, or at least I hope so. We will see, but as a source of income this might be my best option. It’s what I do best, and what I know how to monetize best. Now, while I do have some issues with the social aspect of this, and the interaction with people and the content I might expose myself to, those are also things that I could improve on. But the drawing part of it, the creation of things, that is something that I LOVE doing. Heck, I’ve been doing it for free for a long while. I’ve heard that if you ever find an opportunity to make a living from doing what you love, to never let that opportunity go to waste. When I heard that, I really thought I couldn’t, but now I want to try. I’ll try this first. If it doesn’t work, I’ll try something else.
Now, those are the practical reasons, but to be completely honest, deep down I kinda want this. I’m AFRAID of being here, I’m afraid of what I might feel, of what I might see. But I miss this, I missed the fandom. What made me crave it again was when I was doing the download of art from artists I still liked in preparation to completely sever myself from this, which I explain more here , but ironically it made me give up on the severing idea. That was on late 2020, and I had plans to return only in 2022, but decided to come back six months earlier, mostly because I would like to be making money by 2022 and I need time to grow this account and make sure people can see me.
The full sentimental reasons will get really feels-heavy, so if you don’t want to be exposed to my feelings, take this as a warning. Other than that, I would put some clarification about Pateron and commission information here, but I still need to figure those out first . Okay, sentimentalities incoming. No kidding, this is my calling in life. I wish things happened differently, because I could really see myself being a part of this. If I didn’t freak out over colors on a screen, I could have been doing this for five years now, I’m five years too late, and I’m probably gonna have to work really hard forever if I hope to catch up to what I should be and where I should be. I’ve thought about this all this time. I couldn’t stop thinking about it, about what I was missing out on. About the things I used to do and would never do anymore. All this time I couldn’t help but imagine myself as still being in the fandom, talking to people, answering questions, posting drawings and checking what people think of my ideas. Those things kept echoing inside my head all this time, while I was almost sure that it would never happen for real ever again. Sometimes I still check the comments I got on the drawings I made that people posted on e621. Most under the name Alliums got removed by my request, but because I saved the links I can still check the comments. I also check the ones people posted under my ShineKolt identity. I was so different back then. And yes, I’m the reason why the tag “horn_vore” was created. I’m not kidding when I say I belong here. More on my identities .
What really broke me was when I was doing the art download at the end of 2020. I got myself exposed to a lot of artists, since I had a lot of them to go through, in order to make sure I wasn’t missing out on anything that used to inspire me, or anything that would make me regret not downloading in the future. I got really affected while being faced again with how the fandom works, and all the interconnectivity of it, how everyone seems to be in this web of friends that I could have been part of. All enjoying the type of ideas I enjoyed, the type of ideas I would draw. Some were like two contacts away from me, some have friends I’ve talked to in the past. I keep seeing so many of them everywhere, commenting on eachother’s stuff. I never imagined that I would find this or that person all over the place like I did. I could always see myself in there. It was like I was on the other side of a glass window and I could see my reflection near them, but I was never there. They don’t know me. So many people that I’ve been familiar with for so long, people that I know would have been connected to me too, people that could have been my friends. I know the groups I could have been part of, and it hurts to think about that. I miss people I never met. Some of the connections mentioned above DO include people who are into things I dislike , and while I talk a lot about how I’m afraid of them, they’re still part of that. I don’t know why I’m so drawn to them despite being so afraid, but it hurts even more.
Well, now it’s too late for friends, anyway. But I might still be able to have the experience of enjoying being here again. Enjoying posting my ideas, seeing what people think, pleasing others with what I draw. I would rather not risk it, but if I have to sacrifice something, I guess this is the sacrifice I choose.
03/01/2022 update: Past Pedroh what the heck. Well, that feeling faded away. ANYWYS good news bad news. Good news, the money seems to work, and I really wanna keep doing this. It felt good and I want more, I was so afraid of how my commissioners would behave before I started, but everyone was amazing, so the worries kinda vanished, I hope I can do a lot more. Bad news, I don’t really have that much affinity for the fandom anymore. Sure I’m here, but those feelings described above of wanting to be part of it are gone. I’m going to stay here for money, of course, but I don’t want to integrate AT ALL. Not browsing anymore is being nice, I don’t want to see the things other people do AT ALL. I have some projects I might want to do together with people, but that’s on my terms… probably never gonna fly anyway, but other than that and money I don’t really want anything from these communities. Sorry if that sounds too rude, but yeah. The reason I took a break now was because I was neglecting my original projects (still not addressed btw), and the reason why I didn’t come back as soon as I wanted was because of some BAD IRL INCIDENTS, but still, it is hard to want to come back to the fandom. If I had infinite money it would feel a lot better to just never worry about this again.