First let me clarify that by “fandom” I don’t necessarily mean just the furry fandom, though of course, the furry fandom is the biggest part of it. I mean more like just the online communities that deal with kinky stuff, fetishes and lewd art, as well as a bit of the SFW part of the furry fandom.
I was never too involved before, I used to keep my distance at first, since I was embarrassed about the things I liked, but I still always loved to draw that stuff, and later on share it anonymously, and draw for other people anonymously. However, the things I could find outside were also REALLY important to me, from the very start. I used to love looking around for new ideas, new fetishes, things I haven’t seen before. I could always explore more. It’s what pulled me in, and boosted my creativity into what it came to be for many years. But still, I never really established myself because I wanted to stay anonymous, and so I kept my lewd self in small communities.
Eventually I ended up seeing things that made me SERIOUSLY change my mind. It’s not entirely the fault of kinky online communities, because a lot of fiction also scarred me (especially some anime), but I also saw a lot of stuff in the fandom that made me really scared of what I can find in other people’s creations now. Maybe I’d end up collapsing no matter what, but I blame the fandom for my struggle and trauma with THIS ([08] CONTENT OF MY TRAUMA).
When I ran away I got trapped inside myself for a while, still remembering the fandom. Sometimes I couldn’t help but imagine what it would be like if I allowed myself to be in the middle of all that… This continued up until just after I returned, but it’s fading now. I guess I used to fantasize being part of the fandom, having a web of friendships, being known and interacting with people, but I’ve been away for so long that I kinda got over it.
I have no idea what things are like anymore. I don’t really know what you guys inhabit, that probably shows sometimes. I don’t know what to expect, I’m really alienated. I would be lying if I said that I never think about fully integrating myself, though, and having fun with people. It’s just more rare now, and more… fictional? I guess I’m giving up on the real world, and the real version of the fandom.
If anyone is wondering why I’m even here, then… it’s mostly because I’m too socially inept to get a “job” anywhere else. I just can’t do it right now, but I can make money like this. I used to be way more terrified of what it would be like, but it turns out it’s way more comfortable than I expected before I returned. It’s not optimal, and I’d love to never actually have to bother, and just bubble myself forever, but I can’t do that, and everything else would just be worse than this. I’m lucky I can do this for a living.
It’s not that I hate it here, I’m just scared. I do like to share my stuff. I like to give people what they want… I guess that never went away, and maybe it can change all the rest, but I wouldn’t count on it. For now I’ll try to just do my own thing, and let people look into my bubble.
