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PART 1 – INTRODUCTION:
First of all, as I said in other places, I know I have a lot of bizarre, extreme and puzzling fetishes and interests, BUT THAT DOES NOT MEAN I HAVE A STRONG FILTER, or high tolerance to ideas, or a thick skin.
I’m still VERY sensitive to certain themes, and this journal is about that, as an overview that tries to be quite comprehensive.
I beg people to be very mindful of this, since exposure to those themes can ruin my day, week, month or even haunt me for years.
This journal needs to exist because I understand that people conceptualize and enjoy fetishes differently from how I do.
Sometimes this means they don’t intend any evil in ideas I’m afraid of and avoid. Other times this means people ruin things that are fine for me.
I will not go too specific because this can be very arbitrary and case-sensitive. I know this can be frustrating, so I apologize.
For organization, I’ll divide this in two parts, one for things I can tolerate and the other for things that I can’t accept no matter how hard I try.
For the things I tolerate, it’s mostly about clarifying things that might confuse people, and it’s further divided into:
•Things I might post, but I wouldn’t draw it for others like in a commission.
•Things I’m okay with on my own, in private, but wouldn’t like to share.
•Things I avoid because they bother me or mess with me, but I don’t mind if people like them.
And for the things I can’t accept, I’ll explain in detail various complicated situations and try to justify why I think it shouldn’t be done.
Please note that the things I can’t accept is THE MOST IMPORTANT PART OF THIS JOURNAL, and what I need people to avoid when around me, no matter what.
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TL;DR (if you don’t want read to past this introduction):
In general, these things can be real or fictional (but of course real is worse in many cases).
My main concern and worry is about suffering, tragedy, feel-bad content, bad endings, grimdark themes and stuff.
For what I tolerate:
•Things I might post but not do for others – When I worry about the interpretation a scenario can have, and my lack of control over the world or character.
•Things I’m okay with but won’t post – When I know people can easily interpret something in a very bad light, even if I know it’s fine because I have all the context.
•Things that bother me but I don’t mind others liking – Mostly character destruction as long as it’s consented and enjoyed by all characters.
For what I can’t accept:
•Bad endings, tragedies, dark outcomes and shock value, things that end up taking a turn for the worse or that end poorly.
•Character destruction, death or loss, without consent and/or without enjoyment.
•Disregard for virtue or morality in risky or realistic settings.
•Lust being portrayed in a negative light, causing characters to do things they might regret, or disliking the temptation.
•Sadism with true evil intent of harm or suffering, or sadistic enjoyment of real or perceived harm or suffering.
•True suffering and negative emotions, when a character wouldn’t regret it if the experience stopped.
•Self-destructive masochism, when a character’s cruel and evil intents are towards one’s self.
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PART 2 – THINGS I TOLERATE:
This part is mostly to avoid confusion in regards to themes I dislike.
This is to clarify that just because I refuse to post or draw a theme, it doesn’t mean that I actually DISLIKE IT as one of the themes I can’t accept. Sometimes it can be fine, but I’m just extra cautious with the theme.
I think it’s important for me to point this out because otherwise people might get confused, and assume I hate things that I don’t hate.
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2-a) THINGS I MIGHT POST, BUT NOT DO FOR OTHERS:
Relevant for commissions or rewards. There are themes that I’m willing to draw and post on my own, but that I could hesitate to draw when other people ask me.
This has to do with delicate things that can be easily interpreted as the things I dislike even if they’re actually harmless, or safe.
It might seem stupid and paranoid, since ANYTHING could in theory be given a dark interpretation… but some things are easier to twist than others, so I need to draw the line somewhere.
When it’s easy for something to have bad interpretations, I feel a need to have full control over the thing. This is to make sure that the original source (me) makes it harmless.
This is because some people might trick me (even if on accident), and ask me to draw a good-ending scenario for a character they usually get bad-endings for… or a setting where bad things happen and my drawing would be a link in that chain. This is why, given certain themes, I feel the need for full control.
When potentially harmful or perilous situations are left open-ended, with uncertain results, I might require non-visual information or gallery context in order to be okay with it… and while while I control the canon of my own drawings, I don’t feel the same when someone asks me to do something.
These are usually things I feel conflicted about posting, and I might not even post them, but I might change my mind in some cases:
•Some harsher forms of non-con and forced stuff.
•Kidnappings with uncertain results.
•Suspicious or dangerous transformations (like melting or petrification).
•Mind-possession or characters becoming another character.
•Vore or absorption (middle panels or mid-action).
•Underwater scenarios.
•Looming threats, threatening things, threatening creatures.
•Suggestive predator-prey interactions.
•Insanity, mindbreak or extreme loss of control.
On top of that, I might worry even if the idea itself isn’t anywhere near something bad, but it could LOOK like something bad that is COMPLETELY UNRELATED. One example is characters being asleep, which can look like… well… characters not being conscious in other ways.
I know it can be frustrating, but if you want to understand it better… you can keep the things I worry about (part 3) in mind, and try to imagine the drawing without dialogue, descriptions or context, seen by someone who is inclined to see bad things. Try to imagine how one could make the leap from the drawing to one of those things. If it’s easy, I would probably refuse.
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2-b) THINGS I’M OKAY WITH BUT WOULDN’T SHARE:
The logic here is similar to (part 2-a), on the basis of dark interpretations of my work, but in this case a darker interpretation would be expected, given how people handle a theme. My ways of “purifying” a concept might get lost when experienced by someone else, or even ignored or suppressed, but I don’t have worry about that if I keep the drawing to myself.
Another point is that sometimes we can understand a drawing incorrectly. I’ve done this in fun ways, where I hallucinated a whole fetish that the original artist never intended, so I know it’s a possibility. This can lead me to withhold drawings that might give people ideas I don’t want them having. This is rare, though, since I already commit to posting by the time I realize, and I might even recognize the interpretation anyway.
Some of these are more questionable or intense versions of the list from (part 2-a), but here it can involve things that are for sure questionable or harmful under normal circumstances (so the default interpretations people have end up being something I want to avoid).
I rarely even deal with most of these anymore, let alone draw them… But to be honest I thought I’d mention them in order to cover my bases, meaning that I figured I’ll either slip up and talk about them at some point, make a mention in a description or post one that I thought was light enough… So this is here to address when people go “wait, don’t you hate X?”.
•Gore – From light to pretty hardcore, as long as it’s happy, consented and doesn’t look lethal. Needs to be with immortal characters who regenerate.
I avoid posting because it can be easily misunderstood, on top of attracting people who I worry about a lot.
•Violence (fights, punches, bruises) – Also needs to be happy and consented and enjoyed by the characters. I don’t touch this as much as gore.
I avoid posting for the same reasons as gore. It can be misunderstood, and it can draw the wrong kind of attention.
•Light asphyxia, breathplay and choking – In my universes perishing from asphyxia is impossible. Also needs to be enjoyed and consented.
I have a complicated relationship with this… while I feel part of me wants to give it a chance, the way people enjoy it kinda ruins it. I can’t share it because of that.
•Grinning scary monsters that look too evil – Needs to be looks only, nothing nefarious happening, no real evil involved.
I’m questioning if I should even draw it. Can be hot, but maybe I should avoid it altogether. I shouldn’t post because people who like this have a considerable chance of being the exact stuff I’m terrified of.
•Supernatural depravity, demonic or satanic stuff – Can’t involve any real evil, just extreme naughtiness or vulgarity with occult themes and strong corruption.
It can be tied to some pretty bad stuff, so I need to avoid sharing it. Some lighter drawings might be shared, but heavier ones can’t, it can invite bad ideas.
•Absurd insanity or characters losing their minds – Needs the situation to be controlled to be harmless, and prevent characters from doing or desiring anything bad.
Because of the extreme loss of control or abandonment of inhibitions on a massive scale, this can invite some questionable moods. I don’t think I want to invite that.
•Sexualization of fear or being startled or spooked – No true terror allowed, no real threats, no feel-bad fear, just exciting fear/spooks in safe situations.
Considering that expressions of fear can make some of the worst stuff out there, I think I need to treat this like it’s uranium235, even if it can be cute.
•Dacryphilia or crying/sobbing – Seriously needs happiness and smiles, forbidden otherwise.
This is even worse than fear fetish, and I treat it like antimatter. It took so long for me to stop freaking out over it and it is NOT for sharing.
•Total surrender or excited acceptance – Needs to be very safe, and needs extra contextualization if the scenario can be mistaken for something else.
This might be stockholm syndrome from things I shouldn’t like, so I’m extremely suspicious of it. I might share some in exceedingly safe scenarios, but most will not be shared.
I feel like it’s important to point these out because while I don’t get automatically bothered by them in the way I handle them… one wrong step and it can easily become the things I hate (part 3), or at the very least things that bother me for sure (part 2-c).
So even though I kinda like these, and I might make reference of it, please remember that it’s a VERY slippery slope.
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2-c) THINGS THAT BOTHER ME BUT I DON’T MIND OTHERS ENJOYING:
While there are some things that bother me just due to my tendency to overthink (like the suggestion of imminent danger like “what would happen if something went wrong”), this category is pretty much just dedicated to characters dying (as long as they’re into it, or else it goes into what I hate (part 3-c)).
By that I mean depictions of death or other things that might represent the end or total destruction of a character’s being, their body, consciousness or self. As well as things that present an immediate risk of such destruction, or that will logically lead to or cause it in some way (yes, even just peril).
It doesn’t matter if it can be reversed, or if it’s just a dream, or if it’s just simulation, or even if it’s just roleplay. I have this rule that says that “fiction inside fiction is as real as the first level of fiction”, which means that any roleplay inside a fictional work needs to be treated just like the fictional work itself.
Once again, it’s very important that ALL characters involved desire, enjoy and are aware of it. If not then it doesn’t fit here, and instead it goes into (part 3-c). If it looks like there is anything nefarious, any suffering, any terror, or even if it’s too sudden to be noticed, then it also goes under the stuff I can’t accept.
As long as it stays mostly “lighthearted” (if one can even say that), I don’t really have moral issues with it, and I don’t think it’s wrong to like it.
Being honest, I did experiment with it myself throughout the years, but it never worked and it just ended up in a lot of regret, but I understand it.
If you like this category, I don’t have any judgment, but please don’t bring it up.
The reason for that is that while I have nothing against it, it can really make me feel uncomfortable with myself. I don’t know how to handle it, so it bothers me a lot.
I also have this issue where I can get proxy-horny from other people because I have a fetish for people enjoying their fetishes. In situations such as this one… it can be VERY uncomfortable and uneasy.
I’m very ashamed of this, and of other stuff, but I like to think I put this behind me. I haven’t touched it in AGES and I think I’ll keep it that way.
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PART 3 – THINGS I CAN’T ACCEPT:
So far, none of the above have been the actual problem… while some of it might make me very uncomfortable, I don’t see anything wrong with someone liking them as I described them.
Here, however, things are different. This are the things that I actually take an issue with, and the things that I would like to avoid more than anything else. The things that cause me to run away from so much, and that prevent me from enjoying many things.
Being exposed to these (even just a passing idea) could ruin my mood for days, and sometimes I don’t get over it even after some weeks, months, maybe ever. It can completely destroy my opinion of someone.
If you’re having any contact with me, DO NOT expose me to anything like them. It would hurt me a lot and I would not hesitate to block contact.
It’s also important to point out that THIS IS NOT LIMITED TO LEWD ART. While some of these themes can be less problematic depending on how they are portrayed, most of them still have a bad impact on me even in other media. Some of them remain just as bad, and only a few are more forgivable.
I’ll go into more detail for each of the points, but if you only want to know what to avoid, I’m repeating the previous TL;DR once more:
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3-a) TL;DR (generalization of all points below):
The general principle is anything that deals with objectively bad endings, tragedy, grimdark content, shock-value or disregard for an individual’s fate or existence. This includes things that are purposefully designed to cause the viewer/reader distress or to bait them into ending up feeling a mix of arousal and bad emotions. This also applies even if it’s honestly designed for sexual indulgence paired with negative emotions (instead of a trick or bait).
•Bad endings, tragedies, dark outcomes and shock value, things that end up taking a turn for the worse or that end poorly.
•Character destruction, death or loss, without consent and/or without enjoyment (even if it’s just peril).
•Disregard for virtue or morality in risky or realistic settings.
•Lust being portrayed in a negative light, causing characters to do things they might regret, or disliking the temptation.
•Sadism with true evil intent of harm or suffering, or sadistic enjoyment of real or perceived harm or suffering.
•True suffering and negative emotions, when a character wouldn’t regret it if the experience stopped.
•Self-destructive masochism, when a character’s cruel and evil intents are towards one’s self.
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3-b) BAD ENDINGS, TRAGEDIES, GRIMDARK CONTEXTS:
For this point, bad endings means putting a character through something very final or definitive that takes something very precious away from them or someone close to them (such as their dignity, virginity, sanity, freedom or life), causing a considerable amount of stress or suffering. They didn’t want it. They never wanted it.
The idea of a “final fate” bothers me a lot on its own, but when it’s a bad or tragic one, it’s many times worse.
Another point that I can fit here is tragic themes in general, things going wrong when it feels like they shouldn’t, especially.
That dark sense of irony is really bad because it’s essentially punishing a character for existing, or for being themselves. Only a monster of a creator would do that on purpose.
I really hate when things are fine and then it gets ruined. Shock value takes that to a whole new level, trying to affect the viewer/reader by baiting their feelings and then doing something horrible and sudden.
The whole idea of making your audience feel negative emotions on purpose feels icky to me, and so grimdark settings, nihilistic perspectives or bleak narratives really bother me a lot.
Themes of hopelessness, futility or just a negative portrayal of life and of people makes me very upset.
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3-c) CHARACTERS DESTROYED WITH NO CONSENT OR ENJOYMENT:
Pretty much the same as in (part 2-c), with the exception that here the characters don’t consent or enjoy it (or don’t have a chance to).
Again, this means depictions of death or other things that might represent the end or total destruction of a character’s being, their body, consciousness or self. Includes things that present an immediate risk of such destruction, or that will logically lead to that destruction, or cause it in some way.
This means that peril, risks, or imminent things are treated the same as the destruction itself, even if it’s just a desire, impulse or thought.
Remember, the physical gore isn’t what bothers me, it’s not the physical action, it’s what it means for the characters.
I’ll hate it even if it’s only simulated, dreamed, imagined, pretended… Even if it can be reversed, or even if it WILL be reversed…
If A SINGLE character is getting upset or distressed over it (either before, during or after), then it falls under this.
The same goes for things that are too sudden to be noticed, if it happens in an instant and no one has a chance to consent or accept it, too fast to even realize.
It’s also a problem if it’s shown in too large of a scale, unless every single being involved is shown to understand it, accept it, enjoy it and consent to it.
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3-d) RISKY DISREGARD FOR VIRTUE:
Situations where the characters have a high disregard for morality or virtue, extended to very serious situations.
Some naughty or perverse things are fine, the line is crossed when it explores “realistic” risks and/or consequences for things that are very wrong or distasteful in real life, along with portraying the social understanding of the setting to be like ours in the real world, even if the involved characters end up okay and nothing bad happens.
The problem here is when the characters don’t care to consider what could go wrong, acting recklessly or selfishly, despite a negative context around what they are doing. Getting pleasure from such disregard or risks is even worse.
If there is no negative context (if their society accepts it), and there is no risk for an undesirable outcome, then it doesn’t apply here.
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3-e) TEMPTATION OR LUST IN A NEGATIVE LIGHT:
I really dislike when lust or sexuality are portrayed in a very negative and undesirable light.
This can include horniness or temptation leading to negative consequences, causing characters to regret it afterwards, having lust facilitate or lure characters into doing things that make them feel worse about their morality afterwards, or facilitate or lure characters into doing things that might harm them or others (such as behavior they know is bad or risky).
Darker depictions of sexuality really dominate society and it’s not rare to see media portraying it as an evil trap that only does damage. Even if the goal is to arouse through darker stuff, having it like that just bothers me a lot.
By this I mean REAL negativity, not just things that are “naughty” and played out for the sake of fun and pleasure. I don’t wanna give examples, but I’m sure people can think of scenes they’ve seen in mature media outside the fandom, like anime, movies or shows.
If it’s portrayed as “damn I really am the worst” with the temptation being portrayed as a bad thing, then it hits here.
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3-f) TRULY EVIL SADISM:
Here I mean sadism on the level of REAL evil or cruelty, where there is an expectation of real agony or tragedy towards the victim.
This means that the sadist has real hostile intent towards someone, and has genuine intent to harm or to cause others to suffer a fate that is considered a BAD one.
This also applies to just observing and taking pleasure in bad things happening to others.
It’s important to note the BIG difference between this and the sadism I tolerate. A “good” sadist wants their “victim” to be pleasured, and likes to deliver that through teasing or rougher means, pushing boundaries and limits (of body and/or mind), but NEVER enjoying agony, and ALWAYS liking to know how much their “victim” enjoys it, even if they won’t admit it.
That is not a thing in EVIL sadism. Here it means actual hostility or disregard for the other.
Grey zones that are messed up are still messed up, so I don’t like them either. If sadism is present, it needs to be kind and for pleasure.
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3-g) TRUE SUFFERING AND NEGATIVE EMOTIONS:
I shouldn’t have to explain negative emotions, but the focus here is on situations that depict or focus on a character’s negative feelings.
I really dislike when characters are put through suffering, misery, hopelessness, genuine despair, agony or any other dark or bleak emotions. And I dislike it even more when focus is drawn to that.
This can be confused with masochism, so I want to be very clear on the difference between (good) masochism and “TRUE SUFFERING”.
For that, imagine a thought experiment where a character is going through a seemingly unfortunate situation. Genuine suffering usually causes people to feel an impulse to escape the situation, wish that the situation stops or wish that it wasn’t happening.
So the experiment is this… if the universe were to “listen” and grant the character those wishes or impulses to escape the situation… how would the character feel about that?
Usually, a suffering character should feel relieved, pack their things and go home, trying to shove that experience out of their minds, right?
However, in “good masochism”, the character might be DISAPPOINTED THAT IT STOPPED. It could feel anticlimactic, ruining the rhythm and momentum of the situation. It can sour the mood and make it hard to even get back on the same vibes, if they want it back.
Even if they asked for it to stop, they might not ACTUALLY want that, and this reveals that.
This measures how much they would regret that the universe listened to them, VERSUS how much they appear to be suffering from the situation itself.
A character that actually likes their situation wouldn’t enjoy it if the situation stopped. A character that actually wants nothing to do with it would feel relieved and move on.
And by “regret” I mean just from their own wishes interrupting their own masochism, and nothing else. No tricks, no irony, no gotchas, no regrettable side effects, no ultimatums, no sacrifices. Just harmlessly released of the situation and free to move on and yet they would regret that.
Of course there are situations where both extremes can coexist, where there is real agony but the character would regret if it stopped. The only way I can conceive of this is in situations where a character has an unhealthy relationship with their emotions, and/or genuinely wish harm upon themselves. I’ll cover that in (part 3-h).
Other than that, this should be a good measure of when a situation is just “good masochism” and when it’s “true suffering”.
Softer feelings can be okay, granted that things like pain, discomfort, annoyance, feistiness, envy, mild anger, light-hearted fright result in an experience that the characters enjoy, either despite these sensations or even because of them.
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3-h) SELF-DESTRUCTIVE MASOCHISM
This one is tricky, because this has to do with something that a character wants for themselves. It is an exception to the “true suffering” exercise (part 3-g), because here a character might regret it if the situation stops, no matter how bad it is for them.
However, we can apply similar rules to those in evil sadism (part 3-f). If their intent towards themselves is genuinely cruel, instead of seeking fun and pleasure, then it’s safe to say it fits under this.
The self-hostility alone validates this, but there are additional points to support it. If we consider that the fictional character is being FORCED to feel those desires and impulses by whoever is creating the fiction, then in a way it can almost be considered sadism by proxy. The CREATOR wants the character to suffer in horrible ways, and just makes the character desire that as well.
On the other hand, if the creator is projecting into the character (if the CREATOR wants to suffer horrible things), it might also indicate some personal issues that can be uncomfortable. If anyone IRL has that sort of hostility towards themselves, I hope most can agree that it’s concerning, so having that behind the fictional situation doesn’t help.
So it seems like even though this is “consented” by the character, there are enough factors here that prevents this from being okay.
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PART 4 – CONCLUSION:
I hope most people can at least see where I’m coming from in regards to the things that I absolutely CANNOT be exposed to.
These things have hurt me a lot in the past and my brain just cannot cope with them. I’m still not over it.
I believe it is wrong, and I’ll continue believing that until someone can show me how I’m mistaken.
To me, the logic on it is very solid, and the line I draw is clear. To me, the issues that apply to (part 3) do not apply to the things I’m okay with, even it it may seem arbitrary to some.
This isn’t me disliking water balloons, mint-chocolate-chip icecream or being distressed over the design of a certain car not being “what it should be”. To me, this is EXTREMELY FUNDAMENTAL, on the nature of existence, experience and empathy.
It’s very hard for me to see this as something people should be disagreeing with. As much as I try to accept “to each their own”, I can NEVER convince myself of it.
SO THIS IS VERY IMPORTANT… VERY VERY IMPORTANT:
If you happen to like this stuff, it’s a bad idea to let me know. I will downright dislike you as a person.
To understand how I would feel… imagine encountering a person who has an opposing but extremist political view on a topic you care about. Not everyone reading this will know what that is like… but I know most will. THAT is how I feel about people who like this stuff.
This is an emotional response and I know that under a rational lens I shouldn’t let that inform my actions, which is why I won’t attack anyone or loudly preach against it, but I still have to protect myself. I will block those that cannot respect my boundaries, those who expose me to any of (part 3).
As for those who understand, thank you.
Last modified 20/05/2023
