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PedrohSpaceWolfy

[22] Why I Don't Browse Anymore

While this might help clarify, it’s not exactly needed for this, but if you feel you need to understand better, you can go there.
In short, there are lots of things out there that can absolutely destroy me. I know it might sound stupid and exaggerated, but I’m not kidding. It doesn’t matter if it’s in the fandom, it doesn’t matter if it’s a Hollywood movie. Allowing myself to come into contact with anyone else’s artistic expression and fiction puts me at an incredibly high chance of having my week ruined.
Some people might point out that this is a me-problem, and that I have to change myself, and to that I can say: Yes, I’m aware, but it doesn’t change how I feel now.
If my eye catches the title of a picture on the corner of the screen that indicates something I dislike, it’s enough.

I used to love browsing and seeing what people come up with, I loved seeing all those horny things and interesting ideas. It’s what cemented me into the yiffy part of the fandom and what made me who I am. But after enough stress, it just became too much for me to gain anything from it. I feel that it is way better if I never see anything new.
Again, I’ll repeat the dilemma here.
Why do I refuse to see new stuff even from artists that are perfectly “safe” for me, my based on my standards ?
Simple, if they are indeed safe for me, then I’m going to like it, of course. Then I’m going to crave more, then I’ll probably browse more and then I’ll increase my chances of being exposed to the things I fear. Otherwise it’s obvious, isn’t it? If it’s not safe for me, then it’s what I fear already.

I have suffered so much because of this, but I’m a lot better now. I suspect that it’s because I stopped seeing new things, and because I was disconnected from the community. I’ve spent a long time without looking at what the people who like that stuff really talk like. What they really mean, what they really like. So it’s easy to let go when it’s so distant.
But if I see anything again, it’s like all fresh again.
To those who doubt that it would be likely enough, I’m not going to try to prove anything, I’m not going to provide the data I gathered, so take my word for it if you want to. It is about 50% when it comes to an artist I like being safe for me or not. The ratios might be different for more vanilla stuff, but since I like weird stuff, the things I fear are way more common. One funny example was a certain comic that got abandoned by an artist and finished by another, I checked both artists and BOTH did a lot of things that I really dread, even though the vanilla comic had NOTHING to do with that (thank you blessed blacklist for letting me get away with just reading tags without seeing art). For artists that are very similar to me, then it’s about 80%, meaning those who draw a bit of everything, including very weird or gross stuff.
I can’t get rid of what I’ve already seen. It’s so much stuff I wish I never saw, and every time I saw something new, a new cursed memory gets added to the collection. And it feels like it never shrinks. I don’t want it to grow anymore. And I don’t want to see what I’m missing out on.
Most of this data was gathered as I revisited the artists that made things which meant a lot to me, that inspired me, that influenced my art, or that made things I generally liked. And sure, that means that I browsed recently, but most of it was explored territory, and still very stressful, but I felt like I had to do it and it’s over now. More info here .

For non-erotic fiction, things aren’t any better. I don’t know what is up with people and being so okay with some horrible dark stuff but it’s everywhere. It’s really hard for me to consume any fiction without encountering something that I’ll be ruminating about for a while.
I’ve given up on movies, I’ve given up on anime, I’ve given up on cartoons, I’ve given up on series , I’ve given up on story-heavy videogames (videogames can be safe if they’re mechanic-heavy, I still like that). I’m even giving up on meme videos. And you know what? I’m fine. It’s fine, I like this.
This is making me more productive, I don’t need anyone else’s content, I can make my own. I should make my own.

Not looking at anything new also makes everything a lot more comfortable for me. I remember how stressed and upset I would get over everything, literally making me abandon my friends , but now that I enjoyed some silence, everything feels so much better. Please let it stay like that. I don’t want to know about new franchises, I don’t want to know about new artists, webcomics, projects or what have you. I don’t want to learn anything new.
I don’t know how I’m going to handle it once I’m taking commissions , but if there is no need to show me an important reference, then don’t send me any links, don’t show me anything, don’t tell me anything, I don’t want to see, I don’t want to know.
As long as I’m not seeing anything, I think I can manage fine.

Breaking up from the negative themes, there is actually a fully nice reason. A little self-challenge. I want to know where my art goes if I’m not having external influences anymore. My art has been heavily influenced by many artists (and franchises) that I’ve encountered before, and I don’t know if I’m 100% okay with that. I don’t hate it, but I’d like my stuff to be as original as possible. I know that there is nothing new under the sun and that all art is theft, but if I can try making mine just a bit more original, I think I would like that. That doesn’t mean it has to be unique, of course, I just want the ease of conscience from knowing that the idea is mostly coming from me, and that it isn’t the echo of something I’ve seen before. Who knows? This might have interesting results, and I’m really excited to see what those are, but I need to be fully isolated from the works of my peers if that is to work properly.

Again, in short, I will not check anything, I won’t browse anything, I don’t want to see anything new, I don’t want to learn names, I don’t want to learn rumors, I don’t want to know what is out there. This is both because good things would tempt me and bad things would ruin me. I’m more productive like this and I don’t want to be exposed to anything that would make things worse for me, or anything that could open another loose end that I would start stressing and speculating about.
I remember how hard it became to enjoy anything once I started getting really suspicious, and how upsetting it was to be paranoid over every artist, imagining what is out there that I don’t know but could ruin that artist for me. I definitely feel better being away from that feeling now, I beg everyone to help me keep things like this and to not bring that back.
Remember, the less things I see, the more things I make.
This kinda continues here , with a discussion more specific to how I handle names, and how I want others to handle them near me as well. The reasoning there is more tactical and less sentimental, but it is still important to me, so I ask you to check it out, or at least follow what is on the front page.
And to know exactly how that affects my interaction with some common things in the fandom such as RPing, art trades or gifts, there is this .



03/01/2022 update: My shell grew a bit thicker and I like it, I’m even avoiding searching for real-life pictures as references, as much as I can, at least (since sometimes I type something completely innocuous as a search term and then Ecosia floods me with yiff and I have to blur my eyes). I hope I can one day say that “it has been 5 years since the last time I saw a movie”, and if things continue going this way, that will happen. Same for browsing. I’m even avoiding the ones I saved for being part of my past, even when my brain gets fixated on an idea coming from some of them, I refuse to look. The three times I did go back to the folder to check if I was remembering right… I wasn’t, so that’s good, but it has been a while since the last time I checked, at least 2 months, if not 3.
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Added: 10 months, 2 weeks ago
 
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