I don’t browse for other people’s work anymore, and I really try my best to avoid any fiction that is new to me, and even a lot of fiction that I’ve already experienced before. In a way, I’m trying to isolate myself in my own creative bubble, and while sharing my stuff isn’t an issue, I don’t want anything getting in. There is too much that got inside already that I wish never did.
There are two main reasons for this which come from my issues with THINGS I DISLIKE ([08] CONTENT OF MY TRAUMA).
The first and most direct is that the stuff I run away from is actually not that hard to encounter, especially when it comes to browsing for weirder content. Since I’m so sensitive to it, risking to have my day, week, month or year ruined isn’t worth it, so I just STRONGLY AVOID all lewd art not made by me.
The second is a consequence of that, and it is that if I allow myself to enjoy browsing and looking at it, and if I really want to just enjoy it innocently again, I would have to let my guard down. If I do start enjoying it, I will want to see more, which can further maximize the chances of the first problem happening.
As a consequence, I found that after my trauma intensified, it was exceedingly hard for me to even enjoy it, because I was always on edge… and when I did let my guard down, I came to regret it a few extra times, and I don’t want that anymore.
I tried to use blacklists before, but that wasn’t enough. I always ended up getting paranoid about whether or not a given artist also did things I’m afraid of. I tried to just ignore what I didn’t like, and pretend it isn’t a problem. Again, it didn’t work, because as much as I tried to tell myself what others told me, I never believed it. I tried to get a thicker skin, to get some tolerance, get desensitized and just have better filters, but that also didn’t help at all.
So even though I used to REALLY like looking at other people’s art and exploring so much, discovering new themes… Even though it was what made me an artist for these themes, inspired me so much and forged my identity, I just decided to give up on it entirely, and I noticed that things got A LOT better. While it’s not ideal, and sometimes I feel caged, I had to do it, and I’m sure so far it has saved me from a lot of stress.
So I don’t search for stuff anymore, I don’t look at it, and I avoid even having it on my eyeballs if I get exposed on accident. I can cover my screen, look away, blur my eyes, scroll down and all that. It has become an instinct to me. I know it sounds silly, but I’ve been conditioned on emotional pain to react like that.
This ended up going beyond lewd art, however, because even things that are technically SFW can still be pretty horrible to me. I also have to avoid art in general (though I wouldn’t feel like I messed up if my eyes catch generic SFW art), and I also hard avoid fiction like shows, movies, cartoons, story-based videogames and so on.
Unfortunately, everyone has to agree that dark messed up stuff can go beyond drawn lewds or hardcore content, and it’s actually quite common in popular culture and in the content that most people consume everyday. Even if not R-rated, even in PG-13, or even lower, I found that there are many cases where I ended up regretting watching a certain scene. If you really start paying attention, it’s all over the place.
I’m not really safe anywhere, so there was no choice but to close myself to this entirely as well. I don’t want anything to do with any new works of fiction I’m not aware of, whether they are safe for me or not. Same rule of “I don’t want to be tempted” applies here too. I don’t want to be trapped in shows I end up enjoying because I might regret it, or be tempted to seek more until I regret it.
And finally, it is of course VERY IMPORTANT to state again that this stuff can make me irrationally angry. I know it’s selfish, but I feel a sense of injustice when these things that hurt me so much are so well appreciated and worshiped by the masses. As a result, even just talking about them, telling me anything about them or saying you like them would probably make me really stressed. I’d advise against mentioning any of that if you want me to have a positive opinion about you, or if you care about not making me suffer.
