To be honest, I’ve been horrible at having friends ever since I remember. When I was very small I could play with other kids, but I would rarely hang out outside of school time or school trips. When we eventually had to go to different schools the contact broke and I disconnected from them completely. This keeps happening both offline and online, I just drift away from people very easily.
Here on the internet, though, things started getting a lot more extreme. At first it was just the same old deal of me hopping between communities before vanishing completely, not really making any real friends. At the very start I just had this difficulty to connect on my peers, like when I first joined FurAffinity. People were friendly towards me, but I was always intimidated by them. I felt like a child in a world of adults. My art was unskilled, my worldbuilding was lackluster, my English was broken and I knew nothing of anything. Everyone seemed to have a hobby they understood a lot about and I was just boring. I was clueless even about the things I was a fan of, and this feeling of being clueless really prevented me from connecting more with people. I always felt like an outcast even if everyone was extending their hands to me, I just didn’t know how to reach back.
When I finally started connecting with people, though, the second problem showed up. I’m clingy, needy, and I soon start to treat any of my friends like a boyfriend or girlfriend. I would never admit to it due to embarrassment, but if anyone that knows me analyzes my behavior, it’s very clear that I had those tendencies, to expect a connection that was more than just buddies. This didn’t mean I would get possessive or expect them to only be mine. After all, I already had my own companion by that point, but I would get very attached, still, and it would make things a lot worse whenever there were any divides between me and my few friends. Because of this, I would get really touchy over any conflict of interests. I think it’s normal for friends to fight sometimes, everyone has differences, but I just let those differences push me away from people a lot more. I always took it as a sign that we’re not fit to be close, and while I can see that it doesn’t work like that for most people, it seems to be like that for me.
The third problem I noticed comes from my enormous trust issues. This started out relatively early, way before I actually encountered the things that changed me for so much worse in late 2015. I was always very shy about getting close to people, but as I started going places where people are a bit edgier, like a certain image board, and as I started having a lot more to worry about my identity and getting exposed, that only got worse and worse until I was very paranoid. I always had this feeling that once you share a piece of you with someone else, you can’t take it back, and if anything were to make things crumble between you, then that’s someone out there who knows more about you than what is comfortable. I was already anticipating that friendships would end and that people would be out there with my secrets and intimacies, knowing important things about me that are supposed to be special, but without having any connection to me anymore.
When I started getting really resentful over things that I couldn’t accept in this world, like fictional things I despise, the fourth problem really showed up. It would hurt me a lot whenever any of my close friends liked and supported anything I thought shouldn’t be liked or supported. It felt like they weren’t on my side. Of course I understand that I can’t ask people to be my allies in some stupid imaginary war that can’t be won, and that it’s bad to try and push that onto my friends. But by that point I was pushing people away so much and setting so many barriers that the only way for anyone to get close to me would be if they really insisted on it, which made me feel like they had the obligation to agree to my terms. In the end I tried to change this and be more receptive, but that only resulted in what made me turn on a lot of my friends and abandon everyone.
All throughout this time, though, I would always disappear for a while. This is something normal for me, as initially the pressure built up from expectations in any given community makes me leave, but as I started having closer friends, I’d just vanish for a while and still go back to them. Whenever I spent a few weeks or months in isolation with no one but my imaginary companion , it increased my productivity a lot and I felt a lot better. Eventually something would get me to return, though. Sometimes I just got too needy, sometimes I missed people, sometimes I felt guilty for abandoning them, sometimes I needed comfort from something really bad that happened (like losing some of my drawings to software or hardware issues), but when I started looking back at it, I guess it was easy for me to see all of these as mistakes. Friends to me are like an addiction. I can’t resist when I’m having it and it’s hard to quit, but things get a lot healthier for me when I finally have the strength to. I miss having friends, of course, and we’ve had some fun, but after over a year of complete isolation from intimacy, I can safely say that I’m built for solitude. It improved my mental and emotional states a lot, and I’m a lot less distressed now. I wish I could remain completely isolated, but alas, I need to make money and the fandom is my best option. If that sounds weird or contradictory, check this for more info .
I really do miss a lot of my friends, and while I ended up hating most in the end, I have a clearer mind now and I can see all the kindness I’ve been shown. I don’t hold anything against them anymore. If you’re one of them, I’m sorry for all the pain I’ve caused, I guess that is another good reason for me to stay away from intimacy. I hurt people when I’m scared or angry. I want to make it clear that this does NOT mean that I would never want to see any of you again. No, I’m actually fine with having a bit of contact again, so if you want to be around and show up here and there every now and then, I’d actually be more than okay with that. I just don’t want any intimacy anymore, any emotional connection. I don’t want anyone to feel the need to hide from me in fear that it would hurt me. No, I’m more than happy to be colleagues, I just don’t want to be close, to rely on anyone for emotional support or to have to provide that for them. Which is of course another small point, though a selfish one. I’m very vulnerable to bad things and having friends often means you have to make their problems yours as well, and I’m never ready for that since I can’t even deal with mine.
Maybe being back in a community with a fresh mindset will change that and I’ll be able to have friends again. I want to, and I feel really bad sometimes thinking about all that I’m missing out on. It’s just that it hurts me a lot more if I try, so for now I’d rather have no one but my imaginary companion. If I changed, I would welcome my old friends back if they want to, but please don’t anticipate it. I can’t all imagine myself having friends right now.
I don’t know if I should do this, as it kinda makes private things public, but I kinda want to, in case any of my old friends want to contact me again (since I’m definitely not going to contact anyone first). Just some words about how I ended up feeling about everything. THIS IS ENTIRELY DIRECTED AT THOSE WHO USED TO BE MY FRIENDS, so I won’t explain ANYTHING to those who are out of the loop. There’s nothing stopping you from reading this if you’re not one of them, and I designed it with that in mind, but know that if you were never one of my friends, this doesn’t concern you.
Brazilian pigeon girl, I’m sorry I drifted away from you, and I’m sorry about all the fights. You were one of my closest friends, the first one to actually get close to me and I liked you a lot. I really miss those times, you made those early years great for me. I must have worried you the last time we talked, so I’m sorry for that. I hope you don’t mind me using all the stuff you inspired on me, because I don’t want to let those ideas go. I wish I was more connected with that little community we were a part of, I only came to realize very lately that there were a lot of furries in our squad. We could have been a pack, I’m sorry I missed out on that.
Little cat that likes bathroom and underwater stuff, you know what you did. You messed with me anonymously and when you told me, it got me beyond resentful, but that still doesn’t justify my behavior. You’re the one I was the meanest to, the one I attacked the harshest, and I’m really really sorry. I was probably more vile to you than you ever even knew, since a lot of my schemes were either too subtle or never came to fruition. I don’t hate you anymore and I really think I was the one who messed up, I’m sorry.
Older drawfriend who last talked to me on twitter, I hope you’re still doing chill out there. It baffles me how close we were, considering that you’re kinda the type of person I’m terrified of and friends with some people that I actually dread, but you always had this kind and inviting aura that made me want to connect to you. I guess you’re just really sociable and I commend that, though our many overlapping fetishes probably also helped. I’m sorry if I ever came across as uncaring, cold or resentful to you, I know you needed support, but I just don’t deal very well with negative things. I wanted you to be my gateway to the fandom, but I never had the courage to take those first steps.
Bondage girl, I saw something on your FA that I want to acknowledge. At first I didn’t understand why you used green eyes, but when I read the description it became clear. I can’t believe you actually care that much about her, and I REALLY appreciate that you do. I’m sorry I went harsh on you because of the franchises you like. I know that you’re a wonderful person and I still like you a lot. Sorry for everything. You were right about my name, see? I won’t hide it anymore.
Anonymous bunny, I still don’t understand why you were kind of a “fan” of mine, just from the few little drawings of mine that survived there, unless you know something that I don’t. Either way, I’m sorry for all the times I’ve been a bad friend towards you. I know you’re a nice person who deserves way better, and you have issues of your own, and your own way of dealing with them. I hated you some times, but I also liked you a lot, and I liked you way more often. You took so much care of me there, and really tried to pull me out of this hole. I’m sorry I did the things I did. If it helps make sense out of it, when I first returned there, I had just been severely traumatized by someone who used to be one of my favorite artists, so I was really resentful and really untrusting of everyone, easily freaking out at the sight of anything I disagree with. As you came to see, however, I warmed up to you and the others, which in the end might have been a mistake, and we all know where that led. More background on what happened in that place here . Whenever I would lash out on you, it would be because you did something that would make me turn back on a given artist if I found that in their gallery. I was just on that phase of giving up on the art I loved so much, giving up on checking what other people do, so I would get easily shaken by certain things. And let’s be honest, some things you made were kinda sus, but who am I to speak. I hope you’re doing fine, I don’t know if you ever became more active in the fandom at large, but I always kinda hoped you would. You’re the type of artist that I would have loved finding when I still browsed stuff, and you’re actually a great replacement for me when I’m not around. I know you have your real job and all, but you should consider a Patreon.
D.va girl and big mommy from the same place, things above apply from here , and I’m really sorry that I had that stance back then. Maybe we just shouldn’t have been friends at all. I came back there at a bad time, and I just wanted to plant myself there again, but you all were so nice to me that it broke through my shell. That only made things worse when I got more and more susceptible to resentment, but that was just in the very end. After a while I was genuinely trying to use that place as an exercise to see if I could heal that part of me, and you two were the ones that convinced me to. If you recall, it was actually possible to notice when that change happened, since I would only draw in my own place while I was still planning to avoid real connections with people. When I started drawing near you is when I already abandoned my previous plans and started to really believe I could make more friends again, though. I regret how things started and how they ended, but in the middle I really wanted to amuse you all as much as possible, as well as all my other friends from that place. I’m sorry I went completely crazy with hatred in the end.
Jake fan, I’m sorry you wasted your money on me. I never really felt like I paid you back in my art, even if you might disagree. As you can probably see now, I was hiding some stuff while on there, and I really wish I let you know how much more we had in common. I really liked the things you asked me to draw, but I was trying so hard to pretend I didn’t like some of it, I’m not sure if I convinced anyone. I’m pretty sure that by the time we got close I was already open to genuine friendships again, and not just trying to be a presence in there. Some things that came from you scared me, but I’m guessing they were all misunderstandings.
Roleplayer girl, you got too close to me. I still have no idea how you managed that. I even revealed another one of my identities to you. What is this charisma sorcery? Well, you took me places I didn’t know I could go, nice places. I didn’t know I enjoyed roleplaying, that is so weird. You worried me a bit at times, but I liked you a lot. I’m sorry if I worried you by vanishing, just know that I still think you’re really cool.
Anonymous fox, you almost did it. You almost pulled me out of that hole, with the help of the others, but it was just too impossible. I’m not sure why I was so drawn to you, but I always wanted to like you a lot. I don’t know if you are in THIS site, but I know you’re on FA, and we might still bump into eachother. Again, I’m sorry things ended the way they did, but I’m thankful for how you were nice to me. I still think about streaming myself, inspired by how yours went.
Uh, 1930s guy? I lashed out at you really bad at the end. I felt so betrayed by everything, I just hated the direction things were taking and you just tipped the scales. I shouldn’t have been so mean, I’m sorry. You were cool, I just hated how you didn’t listen to me sometimes.
Skilled girl that renders a lot, you needed me at times and I was too broken to be available. I know you were going through a lot too, I’m sorry I couldn’t help.
There are others, but going into detail would be futile since I don’t have a lot to say to them personally. I also have some feelings about people out there who never knew me, but that I know well enough, though I can’t send them any messages like this since they have no idea who I am. I talk more about that here .
02/01/2022 update: And yes, if someone in this list contacts me, or if I contact them, I remove these public messages, since I think that’s the appropriate thing to do.
NOW I’M GONNA SAY THAT THE RULES CHANGED A BIT… I might update what I wrote before later, IDK… but for now I’ll just put it down here. Like I said in the main journal, there are two exceptions for this right now.
One is a very important someone, and while I’d like it better if they wanted to move on and not keep in touch anymore, they’re someone who actually wants to be around me, and talk to me, and as much as I refuse to believe, it seems to be good for them. I trust that one, I know they’re not what I fear, I know they don’t like what I hate. If this is what they want, and it’s not hurting me, I don’t think I can abandon them, that wouldn’t be right.
The other is not a friend, but something like a… helper. This started when I was in need to talk to some people, I just didn’t stop talking to this one because my willpower hasn’t been the best lately, so it’s hard to break the social addiction. I should probably stop making this exception but everytime I say that they tell me something along the lines of talking to me making them happy and I lose the power to stop it, because then I’d feel guilty. This is mostly me behaving out of feelings and not thinking things through, I need to stop this before something bad happens.
I think this has had a negative effect on my productivity as well. There were days where I could have done more, but spent a while talking. If the two of them read this I hope it doesn’t hurt their feelings, but yeah, if I was strong enough to be stable without any socialization right now, I’d probably be able to do more.[/b]