I am the fuckin' rockstar of the South, and y'all better remember my name after I introduce myself, baby! It's the 29-year-old hog badger B.A.M.F. from Porter, Texas, Zakee Armstrong, but you should call me "Greasy Z", and y'all BETTER do!
Zakee "GREASY Z" Armstrong
Age: 29 (born August 22, 1990) Birthplace: Porter, Texas Current residence: Porter, Texas Occupation: Automobile Mechanic Marital Status: Single Species: Hog Badger Height: 5' 11" (182 cm) Weight: 187 lbs. (85 kg)
Let me tell you this about the wildass time at college when all of the Boss Hog shit kickstarted. After fuckin' around for some years, I landed on the auto mechanic courses and it fit me up perfectly. That's when I met all this mess of dudes and we formed the squad, and that's when we got it goin'! We spent so much fucking time like, pimpin' cars, ridin' on dirtbikes, makin' our own obstacle courses and shit to pass a good moment, and to this day we still do! Couldn't have landed on any better job or place in my life!
Well one day, Tommy "Torque" the taz devil that works with the paint, was the first to call me "Boss Hog", cuz I always smoked 'em on our challenges, and didn't take no bullshit outta anyone. However, the "Greasy Z" actually came from one episode of MasterChef on TV one night, when they focused on a juicy-ass good burger those smarmy judges were like "this is vile and greasy" and I was like... motherfucker that's it, I'm good to my squad and a nightmare to my competition, Greasy Zakee, Greasy Z!
Greasy Z's the life of the party, the one who every squad wants, and the one every other squad that don't have him is like 'oh shit they got him!'. I'll teach ya how to shotgun a jumbo beer in five seconds flat, and then we gonna go get and eat like six pizzas, and then we go back to blow some fireworks in the middle of nowhere and have a fuckin' blast of a time!
Now don't get it fucking twisted. My gym's the outdoors, and the world's my barn. This peak shape is not achieved by faffing around and being just the nice sweet partyboy. I've toppled down guys double my size, I outraced marathon people, I left otters drowning behind my swim, and I ain't scared to get down and dirty if I gotta, so you betta get ready to get mud on your fur now!
My secret for this competition is that I'm sure these other guys gonna get scared. Cuz yanno, once you see a mustelid that's completely, head to toe, one hundred percent confident about who he is and always has been, that's the deal sealer, that's your call to get the fuck off the stage and watch me take it. Soon as I step in the house, you gettin' the Boss Hog at his 100%: no filter, no drama, no bullshit. Zakee is who Zakee is, and if you don't like it, you can choke on my... exhaust pipe... that means dick, by the way!
I'm the American Mustelid Alpha.... cuz I fucking got it, and....
...I totally just farted... I totally just, did ya pick that? I wanna see this in! Y'all better edit that in, I can do a better second take if ya want!
I'm the American Mustelid Alpha just cuz of that! Cuz with Z, all you gettin' is real! I am a real fur like y'all, like look, I got an oil stain stuck on my fur, I got the bad dye job this morning, I had a footclaw that I lost while training, I'm the real fucking deal, just like y'all! To be an Alpha you gotta be confident in yerself whatever ya got, none of that pretty boy façade or fake shit, just go and get it, cuz ya got it!
Now if ya excuse me, the Boss Hog just revved up his engine, and ain't stopping until I take that title. Greasy Z over and out!
***
Happy New Year everyone! And what better way to celebrate other than finishing our round-up of the twelve finalists of AMA? Zakee is an automobile mechanic and obstacle course racer from the Houston outskirts. Coming in with little anticipation and even less self-reflection about his standing in the game, this rowdy loudmouth managed to score first place in the second cut and win the first spot in the Burrow. A bigger challenge awaits him in the competition, as he'll immediately tasked with the role of captain in the first team challenge - what can go wrong for the Boss Hog as the competition becomes deadly serious?
Thanks a bunch to the amazing Crocdragon89 who took on the duty of drawing the whole cast and played a major part in bringing our vision to life! <3
From now on, we'll be posting each upcoming episode in two parts for easier reading - first part coming out on Tuesdays, second part on Thursdays. Episode 2, "What Are The Chances?", will be out on January 5th and 7th!
American Mustelid Alpha is the brainchild of HeadQuarters (the joint project of Qovapryi and Harlow). Zakee "Greasy Z" Armstrong and all mentioned characters belong to them both.
