Raph’s eyes stayed locked with Donny’s as he got up out of his hammock. “Donny?”
“I’m okay,” Donny answered, not breaking eye contact.
Raph wasn’t sure if Donny was actually okay or if he was shutting down again but he had that look in his eyes. “Look, I know what you saw….”
“You don’t have to explain anything,” Donny interrupted, holding up his hands. “I heard what you said.”
“You looked and sounded upset,” Raph said, walking up to Donny. “I want to make sure you really know everything that happened here.”
“Mikey was trying to kiss you,” Donny said as a matter of fact. “Of course I was upset. I feel bad for Mikey and I understand that he’s hurting but I’m also angry with him for what he did. I have every right to feel that anger. I’m just choosing not to express it right now. Me flying off the handle won’t do any of us any good.”
Raph cradled Donny’s cheek in his hand. “Holding in your emotions is only gonna hurt you. Let them out.”
Donny thought for a moment then shook his head and took a step back, “Mikey needs someone to talk to right now and that’s not gonna happen if I let myself have an emotional breakdown.” He turned away from Raph and headed out of the room.
Raph stayed back and watched him from the doorway. When he got to Mikey’s room, Donny knocked on the door. “Mikey, can we talk?”
“Go away,” Mikey’s choked response came through the door and it hurt Raph to hear it.
“I understand that you’re hurting, Mikey,” Donny said, dropping down to sit by the door. “We can talk. It might help. You don’t have to come out if you don’t want to. We can talk through the door.”
Mikey stayed quiet.
“Please, Mikey,” Donny leaned back against the wall. “We were so close for so long, don’t pull away from me now, let me help you through this. I… I’m not mad… I was just shocked.”
He sat by the door for several hours, beseeching Mikey to talk to him. Raph even stepped in at one point but the only response they got from Mikey was to ask them to go away. After a while, they gave up.
Raph helped Donny stand. “Maybe he just needs some time,” Raph suggested and they walked back to his room. As soon as Raph shut the door, he said, “Now let them out.”
Donny looked at Raph, “I said I was fine.”
Raph walked closer to Donny. “Let yourself feel, Donny. Like you said, you have a right to be angry so be angry. Be mad at me for not handling that situation better and letting it get that far. Tell me what went through your mind when you saw that.”
“I saw Mikey enter your room and I stood by the door to listen in so I heard everything. It was an opportunity for me to know for sure.” Donny confessed in a monotonous tone. “It was an awkward situation for you and I’m sure you didn’t want to hurt Mikey.” He shrugged, “You handled it as best as you could. As a matter of fact, I should be thanking him. I heard what you said and now I know that you truly love me. You chose me over him.”
“And yet you’re standing there like a statue, showing no emotion at all,” Raph’s gravely tone showed is slight annoyance. “Show me that you feel something.”
“I don’t want to say anything… that I might regret latter,” Donny admitted and his body tensed. He took in a sharp breath then let it out slowly. “It really is hard to control myself around you. It’s hard to think.”
“Then don’t,” Raph said, closing the gap between them. “Feel. Whatever you say in the heat of the moment, I promise, I won’t hold it against you.”
“My mind is flooded with a turmoil of emotions right now.” It was like a switch flipped and Donny let his emotions start to show. His face scrunched up and his eyes began to water. For the first time, in a long time, Raph saw Donny cry. Shure he had seen Donny tear up a few times in the recent past but his controlled tears of sorrow were nothing compared to his current emotional outburst.
With a racked cry Donny crumpled to the floor, curling in on himself as his body shook uncontrollably. “Mikey’s gotta be hurting bad to do what he did and I can’t do anything to help him. I hate that I can’t fix it.” His voice cracked as he spoke through his sobs. “I feel guilt because while he’s suffering, we’re getting closer. At the same time, I hate myself for finding joy in this situation but hearing you say that you are in love with me, makes me happy.”
Without a word, Raph helped Donny up and into the hammock. They curled around each other, cocooned within its folds. Raph held Donny as he cried. Soon the heavy sobs slowed to shuddering breaths and sniffles, and then steady but still heavy breathing, broken with an occasional sharp intake of breath.
When Donny was calmed down enough, Raph kissed his head. “Feel better?” Donny stayed curled up against Raph and nodded his head. Raph ran his hand gently down Donny’s side and closed his eyes. He didn’t know if it was the best time for it but at that moment he felt ready. “I failed to protect someone.”
Donny stayed unmoving for a moment then shifted a little so that he could look at Raph. “I’m listening.”
Raph took a deep breath then let it out, slowly. “I heard her scream and I ran to find her. I had no idea where it was coming from, or if it was anything more than just a scream. But I swore I heard fear in it and it wasn’t the kind of fear you hear when someone is startled, she was terrified.
“It took me a while but I found her and what I saw, enraged me. She was being raped by a group of men. I jumped in to save her but I went for the wrong guy first, the one who was on top of her. I was so focused on what he was doing to her that I didn’t see the one holding the gun… and the kid. The guy didn’t try to fight me, he just took aim at them.
“I tried…. Two shots fired. Two lives ended before I could even react, all because I jumped in without thinking.” Raph let out a breathy, sorrow filled laugh and opened his eyes. “I wish I had your ability to just turn them off. Because of my emotions, they died. And, despite that hard lesson, my emotional outburst almost got Leo killed. I just can’t learn.”
Donny cupped Raph’s face, “I’ll help you get your emotions under control and you can help me to free mine.”
Raph kissed Donny and pulled him close. He was grateful that Donny didn’t try to argue that there wasn’t anything he could have done different, because there was. Donny understood Raph’s guilt, his reasons for feeling it, and didn’t put Raph in the position of having to justify the way he felt.
He also didn’t sit there and reprimand Raph for his actions that day or tell him what he should have done. Instead he offered Raph help to prevent it from happening again. The confession and Don’s acceptance left Raph feeling a great sense of relief.
They let the emotions of the day take their effect and they started to doze. Raph’s eyes drooped closed as sleep started to set in but something had his eyes snap open. “Do you smell smoke?”
**
Leo had spent several days meditating with Splinter and going through the pictures that Mikey had drawn, remembering their past adventures through the eyes of his youngest brother.
He smiled as he was reminded of the good times. There were several drawings of just the family together. They were obviously a gift for Splinter because the folder they were in had a note in it that read, ‘We didn’t have a camera back then so this is the best I could do with what I could remember’.
Leo was looking at one that depicted a scene of them as kids at Christmas. The detail in what Mikey had remembered of that day long ago amazed Leo. The ragged decorations and the layout of the old lair, even the ugly, mustard yellow couch that they once had, it was all there.
Leo flipped through the pictures and memories came flooding back. The joys and heartaches were all there in Mikey’s art. Leo could even see the hint of jealousy Mikey had for Karai. Leo still couldn’t believe that his brothers thought that he had a crush on her. He admired her and her skill but his feelings were never romantic.
He was sitting with Splinter in his room as they worked through his problems and over time, he remembered things the he had forgotten.
“Mikey is… insightful and intuitive,” Leo said, softly. “He is more intelligent than he lets on.”
Splinter nodded, “Imagine what life would have been like without Michelangelo’s exuberance. He kept the tensions low and managed to make us smile when we wanted to brood. He held on to his childish ways because he knew that was what we needed, even if it meant making himself the fool.” He sighed, looking over in the direction of Mikey’s bed room. “I tried to warn him that you would be different when you returned but his belief in you was so strong.”
“And I let him down,” Leo mumbled. “I’m not as strong as he believed me to be.”
“You are stronger than you give yourself credit for. You have been making great progress the past few days.” With a grunt, Splinter stood. “It is getting late. I am going to bed. We will continue with this in the morning.”
“Goodnight, father,” Leo said as he watched Splinter leave.
He sat alone and focused his thoughts on Mikey and the way Mikey had made him feel before he left for South America. The prankster did manage to make him smile and laugh, relieving the tension and stress of the time. He remembered the nights when Mikey would come into his room and curl up in bed with him. He used to think that it was because Mikey was seeking comfort but in hindsight, it was comforting for Leo as well. He always slept better with Mikey by his side.
The thought of losing Mikey left a hollow pit in Leo’s stomach.
He stood and left his room. Walking down the hall to Mikey’s room, Leo hoped that it wasn’t too late to make amends. If nothing else, he wanted what he had with Mikey back.
The door to Mikey’s room was open and Leo looked inside only to find it empty. Not just void of an occupant but emptied of everything except the furniture. “Mikey?” Leo stepped back out of the room and looked around. That was when he heard his father call out Mikey’s name and smelled the smoke.
**
The thing about sadness is that there is no end to how far it goes. When it turns in to desperation, mistakes are made leading to regret and anger from others. Then the void only opens wider and the feeling of loss is overwhelming.
Every insult played over in his head. Every dejected look, every roll of the eyes haunted his thoughts. His hopes and dreams, shattered.
The further Mikey dropped in to sadness the more it hurt to just breathe. He was not good enough for Leo to love and now Raph and Don were mad at him. He felt so alone and no matter what he did the void went on.
His head hurt and he wanted to stop the pain so he went down to the kitchen to get a bottle of pain relievers. Don also had bottles of whisky in the medicine cabinet just in case there was a need for a quick warm up. Mikey grabbed one of those too and headed back to his room.
Swallowing a handful of pills and washing it down with the whisky, Mikey then started to gather up the boxes filled his comics, toys and games. They no longer brought him joy and only reminded him what it was that Leo hated about him.
It took him a few trips but he managed to get all of his things into a tunnel just outside the lair. The whole time he drank from the bottle and his head was starting to fog. On his last trip, Splinter saw Mikey walking out of the lair, carrying the last of his boxes.
“Michelangelo?” Splinter soft voice barely registered in Mikey’s addled mind.
Splinter followed his youngest out of the lair and watched him add his burden to the pile on the sewer floor. Mikey finished the contents in the bottle then added it to the pile before striking a match and throwing it on the closest box of comics.
The box caught fire and it spread quickly. Mikey just stood there, swaying while he watched his collection go up in smoke.
“Michelangelo,” Splinter stepped towards Mikey. “Step away from the fire, my son.”
“I don’t feel so good,” Mikey slurred, turning to face his father. He must have slopped whisky on himself at some point because the fame jumped from the pile and ignited Mikey’s hand.
“Michelangelo!” Splinter rushed to his son and, using his kimono, extinguished the flame on Mikey’s hand while pulling him away from the fire. Splinter managed to coax Mikey a few feet before his youngest threw up then fell to the floor.
