Leo sat alone in the dojo, trying to meditate. He liked his solitude; it was comforting to him but not enough to calm his pounding heart. Stress seemed to be part of his everyday life now.
The problems that greeted him when he first returned home kept his mind occupied for a few days but when everything calmed down, that was when a whole new set of problems started to arise.
The smell of the sewers bothered him along with the dampness in the air. The thick walls made him feel trapped in cramped quarters. The hum of the electric devices rang in his ears, giving him a headache.
Then there were his brothers and their incessant need to touch. He had forgotten how much physical contact occurred between them. They were constantly touching him and it took every ounce of his control to keep from cringing.
They wanted to talk to him and for the first time in his life, he was saying the wrong things. He used to be able to articulately argue his point but he just found himself stumbling over what he wanted to say and regretting it.
Sleep also eluded him. He just couldn’t get comfortable on his bed and it was too quiet. Or was it because the sound was all wrong?
He heard the footfalls as they approached and didn’t need to look up to know it was his father. Splinter placed something on the floor before he positioned himself across from Leo, “How are you?”
“Still sore,” Leo answered truthfully. “I had no idea Mikey could move like that.”
Sighing softly, Splinter placed his hand on Leo’s arm and Leo had to fight the urge to pull away. “I have always known that Michelangelo had the potential to be the best fighter. It was his jovial and carefree disposition that held him back. He has a natural talent for the martial arts that sets him apart from you and your brothers.”
“I hadn’t noticed,” Leo mumbled, keeping his eyes down cast and wishing that his father would remove his hand.
Instead, Splinter gave Leo’s arm a gentle squeeze. “Remember his rematch with Kluh, for the title of Nexus Champion, when he focused his mind on the fight he easily won.”
“I guess I have learned that lesson,” Leo stated flatly. “I will not underestimate Mikey again.”
Nodding Splinter removed his hand and folded his hands in his lap. “Have you thought about your feelings for Donatello?”
“I have,” Leo answered.
“How long have you known that you felt this way about him?” Splinter asked.
Leo looked up at his father for a moment then back down at the floor and shrugged. He didn’t really want to answer him but he knew that he couldn’t lie. He didn’t want to bring things to the surface that he had been working so hard to keep buried. Something he didn’t even want to admit to himself.
Splinter waited patiently, knowing that Leo would eventually answer him. There was the slightest tremor in Leo’s voice as he answered. “When I… heard him say that… he was interested in Raph.”
Splinter’s expression remained unmoved. “Why do you think that is?”
“I don’t know,” Leo answered, knowing that it was a lie.
“Why did you choose Donatello?” Splinter calmly asked again.
Leo shook his head, not wanting to answer.
“Was it because he wanted Raphael and you had to make it into a competition with your brother?”
Leo’s eyes shot up to his father, “No! That’s something Raph would do. Not me.”
“Then why? Why decide you wanted Donatello in that moment?”
“Because,” Leo choked out, “I couldn’t have him. It would be easier to pine away for someone who didn’t want me than it would be for me to be in a relationship. Because… I’m afraid.” His body shook as tears flowed down his cheeks. Splinter reached out for him but, this time, Leo moved away. “I don’t like being touched.”
Splinter pulled his hand back and kept still. “What are you afraid of?”
Leo shook his head as he shrugged. “I don’t know,” his voice was brittle. “This doesn’t feel right anymore. I don’t want anyone around me or touching me. Sometimes I’m okay and I feel at home but Mikey is so loud and in your face and I don’t know how to handle that anymore.”
“I know the difficulties of solitude,” Splinter kept his tone modulated. “Returning home after living alone for so long is a difficult step, one that some never manage to take and it only becomes harder the more time you are away. You showed great strength in returning to us. Your fears do not make you weak, Leonardo, hiding from them does.”
Leo continued to stare at the ground, “I will do better, father.”
“You have exceeded all of my expectations of you,” Splinter soothed.
“You knew,” Leo said in a small voice. “You knew that when I came back, I would… have problems.”
“Yes,” Splinter nodded. “It is common. You hid it well, at first, but I could see that you were suffering.”
“Then why did you send me away?”
“It was the last part of your training,” Splinter explained. “My master, Yoshi, had to endure it and Shen helped him when he returned, even though he pushed her away, just like we are here to help you.”
“Why didn’t you say anything, when you started to suspect?”
“You needed to be able to admit to the problem before anyone could help you. It was your final test,” Splinter answered. “Even though you didn’t know it, I was helping you as much as I could, without… triggering a reaction by confronting you with it.”
“What do I do now?” Leo asked, feeling defeated and relieved at the same time.
“Now, you heal,” Splinter answered, sliding a box between them.
Leo looked up at his father, “What’s this?”
“I brought this in so that you might find out more about Michelangelo but now I think you need it more to help you remember what it was like to be part of this family.” He removed the lid to reveal folders, filled with paper. Splinter removed one and opened it, showing Leo the picture Mikey drew of them as super heroes. “Do you remember this?”
Leo nodded, “I do.” The picture was crudely drawn but it was easy to make out who each of them were and what Mikey was trying to portray. Leo managed a gentle smile, “We all had a good laugh at Mikey expense.”
“Yes,” Splinter nodded his head. “You and your brothers were… cruel to him but he didn’t let it affect him.” He pulled out more drawings and showed them to Leo. “He continued to explore art and over time improved.”
With each drawing shown, Leo could see the quality of the art go up. The proportions evened out and a style started to emerge. Mikey started to add shading for a more three dimensional look and smoothed out his coloring.
Splinter placed the picture drawn five years ago next to one that was more recent, the level of skill was vastly different. Leo looked from the pictures up to his father. “This is… all amazing, Master Splinter, but why are you showing me these?”
“So you can know yourself better through the eyes of your brother,” Splinter said. “His emotions and the way he sees things spill into his work.”
Leo looked down at a picture Mikey had drawn of him. “I know Mikey’s feelings for me,” he sighed, pushing the pictures away. “He told me that he has had feelings for me since we were fifteen.”
Splinter pushed the pictures back towards Leo. “Remember who you were before you left and merge it with what you’ve become. Once you do, your training will be complete and you can take your place as clan leader.”
“Yes, father,” Leo looked down at Mikey’s art. “I won’t let you down.”
“I know you can do this,” Splinter insisted, placing his hand on Leo’s head and was pleased when Leo didn’t pull away. “I wouldn’t have asked it of you if there was any doubt at all.”
Leo closed his eyes and tried to draw comfort from his father’s touch. “I hope you’re right.”
**
Raph was lounging in his hammock going through recent events in his head. It had been days since his fight with Donny and they had managed to talk through their problems. It was a turning point for everyone in the family.
While Raph and Donny built their relationship, Leo and Mikey became more reclusive. Leo spent a lot of time with Splinter, meditating while Mikey stayed up in his room or in the dojo. Raph still spent time with Mikey but it wasn’t like before. Mikey no longer wanted to play games, he wanted to spar and his skill left Raph’s head spinning.
Raph thought it was kind of funny when Mikey beat Leo but he stopped laughing when Mikey beat him.
A knock on the door pulled Raph from his thoughts. “Come in.”
“Hey,” Mikey’s voice seemed tight as he entered. “Can we talk?”
“Sure” Raph shifted his position in the hammock to make room for Mikey.
Raph was expecting Mikey to sit head to toe with him again but was surprised when Mikey climbed into the hammock and rested his head on Raph’s plastron. Unsure how to respond, Raph tensed up a little.
Mikey didn’t seem to notice or care and stayed where he was as the silence fell heavy in the room.
“I made a mistake,” Mikey said, so quietly that Raph had to stop breathing so he could hear.
“What was that?” Raph prompted Mikey to continue.
“I shouldn’t have rejected you,” Mikey choked out then buried his face. “I see how good you treat Donny and can’t help but thank that that could be me.”
“Mikey, I…,” Raph didn’t really know what to say.
“Leave Donny, let Leo have him.” Mikey got up and straddled Raph’s hips. He looked down into Raph’s eyes, “Don’t you still want me?”
Raph’s mouth moved but no words came out at first. He collected his thoughts and said, “I’m with Donny and you know long he’s wanted to be with me. Give Leo some time, he’ll come around.”
Tears filled Mikey’s blue eyes, “But Leo doesn’t want me.”
At that moment, Raph understood how much it must have hurt Donny anytime Raph said the words, ‘Mikey doesn’t want me’. He understood the doubt Donny had felt about Raph’s true feelings and the reasons he was there.
Raph propped himself up, “Mikey, I love Donny.”
Bottom lip trembling, Mikey choked out, “You don’t love me anymore.”
“I will always love you, Mikey.” Raph reached up and wiped a tear from Mikey’s cheek. “But, I am in love with Donny.”
Raph had never seen Mikey look so crushed. “Please….” Mikey cupped Raph’s face in his hands and pressed in for a kiss. He licked across Raph’s lips, beckoning them to part but Raph kept them closed tight. “Please…,” Mikey sobbed, keeping his mouth pressed against Raph’s.
Raph gently pushed Mikey away, “No.” Movement caught Raph’s eye and he looked over to see Donny standing in the door. “Donny?”
“How could you,” Donny’s voice was brittle but full of venom.
Mikey’s head spun around to look at Donny and his breath caught in his throat. He stayed frozen for a moment before clambering off of Raph and out the door before anything else could be said.
