Summer Vacation Of The Living Dead
a gruesome little screwball comedy by Alex Reynard
-~*BOOK FIVE*~-
~***~
-CHAPTER SIXTY SIX-
After it was all over, the Lopezes came to an unpleasant realization. What with Max's funeral, all the meat they'd bought, and especially the repair bill for the car, the family was about as rock-bottom in debt as it could possibly get.
But that was okay.
Because Tish had gotten one of her really, really good ideas about how to make them all some fast cash...
~***~
-CHAPTER SIXTY SEVEN-
On a perfectly ordinary street, in a perfectly ordinary city full of streetlamps and sidewalks, a sleek, flawless black European sedan came swimming through the morning traffic like a fog and slid to a halt beside a perfectly ordinary streetcorner.
The doors opened and three lively cubs emerged. Two coyotes and a cheetah. They all seemed perfectly ordinary too.
As the cheetah boy went around to the trunk to begin unloading their equipment, the two coyotes, obviously brother and sister, scooted around to the driver's side window.
"So, same time as last Friday?" the driver asked.
"Yeah, Mom. We'll be right on time. Promise!" said the boy.
"I'm feeling really excited. I think it's gonna be a good day." said the girl.
"Okay then, I'll see you two furballs later. Be careful and be safe." The driver, their mother reached out the window to hug her little ones.
"You've got money for lunch?" she asked, grinning.
The two little ones laughed. Though what was so funny about that, an outside observer could not hope to discern.
After a kiss was placed on each of their foreheads, and one for the cheetah boy as well, the driver of the black sedan waved to the children and drove off, leaving them on their own in the unfamiliar city.
"Okay, let's get set up. How 'bout across the street there, by that coffeeshop?" the girl coyote suggested.
Her two male companions agreed, and followed her.
They all made sure to keep to the crosswalk when the light turned. The two males were lugging a small fold-up plastic table between them and the girl was peeking over the top of a large and unwieldy cardboard box full of odd-looking apparatus. Magic supplies.
They found a nice clear spot on the pavement, swept away a few leaves with their tails, and began to set up their act.
The boys unfolded the table, then the girl dumped out everything in the box onto it. There were two large, colorful balsa wood boxes, homemade, with bright zigzaggy designs on the sides. A dark cloth for the table. A large, plain white sheet. A top hat. And something unseen, wrapped up in a towel. Something that clanged muffledly when it was set down.
There was also a banner, which the two coyotes hung up on the brick wall behind them with putty. It read:
THE GREATEST MAGIC TRICK YOU WILL EVER SEE
donations gratefully accepted
By now, several passing fursons had stopped to ponder what these three kids were doing here. The banner piqued their curiosity even further.
The cubs all gave off an air of total assurance. When everything was set up, the trio stood silently before their improvised stage. Quietly observing the gathering crowd. Waiting for the number of people to be just right. And then the show would begin.
As soon as the very first murmur of boredom reached the boy coyote's ears, he motioned to his companions and they sprung into action. The cheetah boy flipped on the top hat and instantly became someone else.
"Ladies and gentlemen!" he declared grandly, his voice as assured as any carnival barker or snake-oil salesman's had ever been. "Welcome to the Greatest Magic Trick You Will Ever See! Everyone crowd around! Yes, get in close. We want everyone to have a good look and be able to see everything clearly!"
The crowd pushed in, mumbling softly, wondering if they were about to see a charming bit of fluff or an entertaining flop. None of them really took the banner seriously.
Yet.
"Please take note of my assistants' clothing," the magician said. He waved his paws towards the two silent, smiling coyotes. The boy was wearing a bright red T-shirt and faded blue jeans. The girl was wearing a rather gothic black dress. Simple but spooky.
At the magician's command, the two coyotes stepped behind the table and arranged the two balsa boxes before them. The boxes were just big enough for them to duck down and slip their heads into. And when the magician waved his paw, they did so, tails hung down obediently behind them.
As the crowd began to grow confused and intrigued, the magician boy ratcheted their uncertainty up several notches by unfolding the towel to reveal two large, squarish, extremely sharp-looking blades.
He stared every audience member dead in the eye as he held up one of the blades. With perfect dramatic timing and tension, he held up a piece of paper, passed it along the edge, and listened to the gasps when it split down the middle like nothing at all. The blades were real, and indeed _very_ sharp.
The audience began to gather where this was leading and it made them all nervous, to say the least. These were just kids! Wasn't this, you know, kinda dangerous?
The top-hatted cheetah paid no heed to their worried and fearful faces. He stepped behind the table between his two assistants, holding a blade outstretched in each paw. He slipped the blades into notches in the top of each box. Right where the two coyotes' necks would be.
The audience was really fidgeting now. This was not at all right. This was just three kids and some homemade props. This was not teevee magic where you knew everything was harmless and faked. This looked really, truly, uncomfortably unsafe.
The magician made not a sound. The two coyotes, in unison, raised a paw and made the 'thumbs up' sign. Then they clasped the sides of the boxes in their paws and kept perfectly still. The magician kept his paws still atop the very shiny silver blades.
No, this was wrong. That cheetah boy wasn't REALLY going to...? Was he...?
With not the slightest trace of emotion, he did.
The blades sank straight down to the bottom of the boxes with a stomach-churning *CHOONK* sound.
The two coyotes went very, very still.
Someone in the audience shrieked.
The magician kept impossibly calm. Even when the first little trickles of scarlet began to seep out from the edges of the boxes.
Now a LOT of people screamed.
But the magician froze them all with a fierce, piercing gaze. "STOP!" he shouted in a commanding, Godlike tone.
And they did.
He stared at them reproachfully, angry with them for doubting his mystic powers. His eyes told them firmly, 'You have not seen what you think you have seen'.
The audience went silent again, and crowded in even closer now.
With a small flourish of his wrist, the magician deftly unhooked several small latches on the sides of each box, splitting the two pieces into four. He took hold of the front portion of each box. He got a firm grip, paused for effect...
...And swiftly switched them.
Shrieks! Gasps! Horrified leaps into the air!
The two coyotes' bodies did not even move a millimeter. From where the blades stopped, it was obvious the childrens' heads could not possibly have been hidden behind, or somehow within the table. They were still in the boxes, alright.
The magician positioned the boxes to his satisfaction, then slowly, carefully, withdrew the blades.
The audience did not breathe.
A moment passed. Nothing happened.
The audience began to get seriously nervous.
The magician kept his cool.
_Still_ nothing happened.
The audience was just about on the verge of calling the police to report a double homicide.
And then, the boxes twitched.
With amazing suddenness, the two coyotes stood straight up, lifting their paws high into the air, their firmly-attached heads grinning gigantic vaudeville grins.
"TA-DAAA!!!"
The magician smiled in a 'toldja' kind of way.
Then the audience's shocked silence became cheers of outright miraculous astonishment when they realized that, even though the bodies had Never Moved An Inch, the boy was now wearing the dress and the girl was wearing the T-shirt and jeans!! The heads had actually switched!!!
It really was The Greatest Magic Trick any of them had ever seen.
Whoops and screams and 'How the hell did you DO that?!?'s exploded in the warm morning air. The kids were totally swamped with adoration. The two coyotes quickly tipped over the boxes and held them out for donations.
Fists slammed into pockets, wallets were flung open with wild abandon, and money poured down like rain.
After the hundredth time or so of saying they wouldn't give up their secrets for anything in the world, the crowd eventually dispersed with awed and befuddled grins on their faces, heading off to tell their friends all about the impossible thing they had seen. 'Hey, man, you're never gonna believe this but... Guess what I just saw!!'
When the coast was clear, Tish and Max quickly darted under the table and Nick held up the white sheet for extra privacy.
Working swiftly and efficiently, they both grabbed hold of each other's head and ripped it straight off their shoulders. Blood made little red circles on the sidewalk.
"It's weird being you," Max mused as Tish handed his head to his body.
"Yeah, but it's cool as hell too! I gotta say, I'm really starting to enjoy decapitation!"
Warm feelings of reattachment surged down their necks, into their shoulders and their spines, as their heads returned to their rightful places. Switching them more than just felt odd, it also seemed to confuse their bodies. Keeping their heads mismatched like this only seemed to work for fifteen minutes or so, tops, before their bodies would eventually reject the foreign noggin and just tumble them straight off like heads of cabbage. That had been a rather disorienting experience for them both in their early experimentation of Tish's idea.
The twins popped out together, back to normal, in under twenty seconds. A perfectly respectable time, though not yet their best.
"Okay, all this cleared up in two minutes!" Tish barked, assuming command again. The boys went immediately to work tossing things in the cardboard box while Tish attacked the banner.
"You're really getting good at this, Nick!" Max complimented as he and his best friend folded up the dark tablecloth.
Nick was flushed with nervousness and pride, almost quivering with excitement. "Thanks! I swear, I was scared spitless when we first started doing this, but now I'm really getting into it! It's like I turn into a whole 'nother person out there! I really *feel* all commanding 'n stuff when I'm performing!" He turned to Tish. "And thanks again for letting me be the star of the show!"
"Well, you kinda HAD to be. You're the only one of us who can't take their head off!" she reasoned.
Nick chuckled. "Seeing how much fun you guys have, I kinda want to too," he admitted.
Tish sidled up to him, her eyes narrowing evilly. "Well, we could always just kill you and bring you back to life with some of Grandma's zombie juice..." she teased.
Nick pretended to seriously consider the matter. "I'll have to get back to you on that."
Max was busy emptying out the balsa boxes into an enchanted chest Javier had given him. It had no lock, but if anyone ever tried to grab it and run... Let's just say they wouldn't be using that hand for anything more than a paperweight for the next few months.
"So, how much this time?" Tish asked eagerly, nearly salivating.
"At _least_ fifty!" he replied, mildly mind-boggled. "Again!!"
Nick grinned madly. Tish jumped up in the air and made a little happy squeak.
Max pounced on Tish and gave her a gleeful hug. "You are such a freakin' genius, sis!! This has gotta be the second best idea you've ever had!"
She arched an eyebrow, puzzled. "Second? What was the first then?"
"Raising my ass from the dead, of course," he responded matter-of-factly.
Tish giggled.
Nick glanced at his watch. "Hurry up, guys! We did, what, twelve shows last time? Let's see if we can do thirteen today!"
The coyote twins nodded in assent, finishing up their packing in a flash and taking off down the street under Tish's lead. She'd studied up on this city's geography all last night and knew the downtown better than any of them. So long as there was a streetcorner, they had a venue. The most important thing was to try to minimize repeat business as much as possible. The element of shock was their greatest friend in this endeavor.
"So, you wanna hit that Chinese place back there for lunch?" Nick proposed as they came to a stoplight. "It smelled pretty good."
"I dunno..." Max said apprehensively.
"You always wanna eat hamburgers!" Tish chastised.
"Fortune cookies, dude," Nick enticed.
"Oh, okay." Max relented. "Besides, they *might* have hamburgers."
The light changed, and the three friends skedaddled across the street towards their next rendezvous with showbiz.
~***~
~***~
-~*EPILOGUE*~-
Halloween night!
The party was already in full swing. It was the one night of the year the whole town really appreciated the Lopezes' big, spooky house up on the hill. Martina's annual October 31st bash was always a clear-your-calendars event.
Costumed freaks milled about the livingroom, chatting, drinking punch and scarfing cookies. Loud, boisterous music pumped ear-splittingly from the stereo. The whole first floor was done up in fake spray-on spiderwebs and papier-machÇ Dia de los Muertos skeletons. Little rubber bats dangled listlessly from the ceiling.
Martina, dressed as a gorgeous vampiress, was on her way to the kitchen to dispose of some dirty plates and cups. All along the way her guests complimented her on the wonderful party. She always felt mildly miffed at the fact that most of these people wouldn't even glance sideways at her at the laundromat or such, but she kept her spirits high and concentrated instead on having fun. Adult life was sometimes a lot like high school, she'd long since noted, and there really wasn't much you could do about that.
With her thoughts elsewhere, she swept her tray of partyware into the sink and accidentally slashed the living hell out of her forefinger on the knife she'd used to cut the cake.
"Damn!" she barked.
She held her finger up. The cut had gone almost to the bone. Blood as red as poster paint was oozing out.
Before anyone else noticed, she popped her finger in her mouth and suckled on it.
"Mmmmm..." The rich taste filled her mouth.
She couldn't help herself. She took a nibble.
A huge pair of paws fell on her shoulder. Squeaking, she turned around to face her husband. He'd dragged out his tuxedo and slicked back his hair to make himself into a very dashing Dracula.
"Did I startle you, my pet?" he asked, mangling a Romanian accent.
She took her finger out of her mouth, pouting like a little kit. She'd gnawed off the entire first knuckle.
"Awww, did you get a little booboo? Here, let me kiss it and make it better." Making sure no one else was looking, Carlos took her paw in his and bit romantically into the bloody stump, slurping hungrily.
All in all, having the whole family accidentally turned into one-quarter-zombies by Thanatos' spell had worked out quite well. The intent had been only to have the rest of the family share their aliveness with Max to make him be like them again. However, a surprising amount of Max's zombieness ended up getting passed on to the rest of the family in turn. It wasn't really a bad end result, just a little surprising. They were now all virtually indestructible, they could turn off their pain receptors like a lightbulb, they still felt alive, they didn't smell like rotting meat, and Max was about as close to his normal self again as could be hoped for. (He'd lost his amazing running ability in the process though, and nothing at all seemed likely to bring it back. Still, he didn't mind too much. It was worth it just to feel his heart beating and his lungs filling with air again)
The only small side effect was a mildly increased craving for meat. Fresh meat. Red meat. Raw meat. They all felt it. And, well, their *own* flesh certainly made for a nice snack once in a while.
Martina cooed and giggled as Carlos sunk his fangs into her finger, lapping with gusto at the mess he was making. He stared into her eyes the whole time, with a look that said, 'You are the most beautiful woman in the world to me, and I must consume you'.
He stopped when he'd nibbled her digit down to the bone. He licked his chops. "Delicious."
"You're so naughty," she reproached playfully. She stared at her mutilated digit, concentrated, and willed it to heal itself. The flesh bubbled and warped for a few seconds, then was good as new again.
The loving couple embraced. Carlos wrapped his powerful arms around her and Martina slipped a kiss to her slightly-undead romeo.
"Do you think the kids have started yet?" she asked.
"Possibly," he replied. "Soon they will return home, sacks bulging with chocolates, and will be bouncing off the walls until December."
"Lucky I've got the elephant tranquilizers ready," she kidded.
"Actually, knowing them, they'll probably come home with another five hundred dollars or so," said Carlos, who was only *half* kidding.
- - -
After a modest three-week run, Max, Tish and Nick's brush with show business had netted very close to ten thousand dollars. Making an average of fifty to sixty dollars per show, with twelve or more shows per day... It all added up quite fast, and also quite nicely. Everyone was _still_ amazed at just how brilliant Tish's plan had really been. With an initial investment of a fold-up table, some scrap wood from the basement and a top hat from the attic, the kids had singlehandedly saved the family from crippling debt.
Not to say Carlos and Martina hadn't been working their own tails off too. By October, they had saved up enough on the side to present both their pups with shiny new bikes for their birthday. And they paid special attention to making sure Tish's had a chain-guard so that no more loose pantlegs would cause accidental trainwrecks and zombie resurrections.
The twins' thirteenth birthday had been an explosively joyful celebration. For Tish, it was all made infinitely better just to be able to look over and see Max there beside her in his goofy cardboard party hat. This was the moment she had worried so hard she would have to spend alone. And yet her brains, faith and hard work had kept her beloved brother from being snatched out of her life forever. She deeply felt both pride and gratitude. On the other hand, Max's thoughts that day had run mostly to cake.
The two coyotes were on their new birthday bikes at that very moment, pedaling up to Nick's house so he could join them in trick-or-treating. Now that they were thirteen (bad luck for everyone else, so it must mean good luck for them, they reasoned), they both knew the era of free candy was drawing to a close. So, they'd both made a firm commitment to making their last few Halloweens count as much as possible.
They dumped their bikes in the yard by the bushes and rung the doorbell.
Bonnie Chainsaw opened the door for them, brandishing a plate of cookies shaped like little chocolate bats. "Happy Halloween, you two!" she sang out cheerfully. "Nick'll be ready in a second. He's putting his finishing touches on."
"Thanks, Mrs. Chainsaw!" the twins said in stereo as they grabbed for the cookies.
The reason Nick's mom hadn't gone absolutely apeshit hysterical when a seemingly dead little boy walked through their door was that they'd already gone through that already.
Max and Tish and Mom and Dad had all pondered for quite a long time what exactly they were going to do with Max now. Having him just suddenly reappear from beyond the grave would certainly create some very odd social scenarios for the rest of the town. Martina thought for sure they'd have to move, a suggestion both kids simply would not accept. They loved their house, and Nick, way too much to just give up and leave.
They'd debated the issue for days. Finally, Tish had gotten fed up with all the indecision and went ahead and cut the Gordian knot. She dragged Max outside with her and went downtown to the V6 to go see 'Razor Smile' with him. Most people simply looked puzzled for a second and then turned away. Those that did ask, 'Hey, aren't you supposed to be dead?' were simply and sharply told that they must be thinking of somebody else. This worked beautifully a surprising amount of the time. People simply chose to believe something they knew was a lie rather than have to force their brain around something that was physically impossible. Max was quite impressed by Tish's keen grasp of psychology.
(The ticket-taker armadillo, upon seeing Max again, gave him an odd little not-quite-surprised smile, and merely asked if he still had his Customer Appreciation Value Card. Which he did.)
People they actually *knew* however were a different matter entirely. For some casual acquaintances and distant relations, the family concocted an elaborate bullshit story about switched obituaries and a camping trip and all sorts of other confusing details.
But for people like Mr. and Mrs. Chainsaw, who had actually been at the funeral and seen Max in the casket, the easiest thing to do was to just tell them the truth. The Lopezes had all gone over to Nick's house one warm night several months ago and, after the initial screaming was over with, laid out the whole story for the Chainsaws to deal with as they saw fit. Nick begged his mom and dad in the most pitiful tones imaginable to let him and Max stay friends. And eventually, the two grownup cheetahs' brains just said 'What the hey' and accepted it. Their son was best friends with a couple of one-fourth zombies. Sure, why not? Tish had again guessed correctly that the capacity of a furson's mind to accept complete insanity in order to preserve the pleasant status quo was indeed limitless.
But back to All Hallows Eve...
Tish bit down nice and slow on her cookie's pointy-eared head. "Ahhh, the first sugar of the night. This must be what crackheads feel like when they get their fix."
Max chortled. "I doubt it," he mumbled as he ate his bat's feet.
"Why do you DO that?" Tish finally asked, having witnessed her brother eating animal crackers that same way for years. "Everyone knows you're sposto bite off the heads first."
Max shook his head. "No way! Think about it like this; a cookie's purpose is to get eaten, right?"
"Yeah."
"So then maybe they *like* getting eaten. If you just bite the heads off, then it's all over for them right there. But if you take the time and start with the extremities, making your way up the body and saving the head for last, then they can enjoy it longer." he postulated reasonably. "It's my way of thanking them for being tasty."
Tish stared at him, dumbstruck. "Damn. Now I'm gonna have to start doing that."
Max's smug reply was cut off before it even began as Nick leapt heroically out of the hallway at them. "Hey guys! Whaddaya think?"
"Holy crap!!"
"Daaaaaaymm!!"
Nick was decked out in a _seriously_ sweet homemade Ryk Steelstone costume. Ryk was, of course, the main character on the Japanese import show Timebenders, and his battle suit looked like a big heroic robot all covered in red, white and gold pointy things.
Nick clunked forward, his motion surprisingly unimpeded by the bulky costume. "My Dad and I spent months building this thing in the basement. It even lights up!" He pulled down the helmet's visor and yellow light poured out of it.
"That is the coolest costume I have ever seen in my life," Max said, and Tish immediately nodded.
Nick looked at them then, a bit puzzled. "So where are your costumes then? You just look like a pair of hobos."
Max and Tish were bedecked in some ratty old clothes they'd bought a few days before from the local Goodwill shop. They both grinned secretively at their cheetah pal.
"You'll see. We just have to get outside to show you," Tish said mysteriously.
Nick got an impish grin on his kitty muzzle. "And here I thought you were gonna dress up as Wednesday and Pugsley. Oh, wait, no; that's how you dress every *other* day of the year!"
Max and Tish nearly fell backwards laughing. Nick had gotten them _good_ with that one.
"You've been saving that joke up for months, haven't you?" Tish asked slyly.
Nick said nothing, but nodded just a little.
Mr. Chainsaw came up from the basement a second later, handing Nick the laser-pistol-thingy he'd left down there. He gave Max and Tish a hearty hello and wished them all good hunting this evening. Bonnie passed out some more cookies just before they left and Tish made sure to eat hers feet-first this time.
Once outside in the chilly, goosebumpy October air, Nick asked his companions, "Okay, so really, where're your costumes? Do you have 'em packed up on the bikes or what?"
The twins grinned, and got into character right before his eyes.
Nick stared on in disbelief. "Aw, hell! How can I possibly compete with THAT?" he wailed.
Tish giggled. "That's the whole point! You go in first and we stand behind you. They see you first, go, 'What a nice costume!', then they see us and have a heart attack."
"Ohhhh, okay," Nick said, catching on. "Clever."
"We're hoping that at least a few people will get so scared they'll run back into the house and spill the candy everywhere," said Max. "Then it's all ours for the plundering! Ha-ha-HAAAA! We brought, like, seven extra bags, just in case."
Nick nodded. "Sounds like a plan."
Just as they were about to go skulking off into the shadowy night, a trembling, frantic voice rang out behind them. "Guys! Guys! Wait up!"
The trio turned around and were more than a little surprised to see a little transparent black squirrel rushing up to meet them.
"Croak! What're you doing here?" Max asked.
"I'm not too late, right? You guys haven't started yet?" he panted.
"Nope, in fact your timing's perfect, dude."
Croak grinned with relief. "Alright, cool! Thanatos decided it was okay for me to come up here dirtside and go trick-or-treating with you guys tonight. I've never done it before. Or at least, I don't remember if I have. But it sounds like fun. That is, if you don't mind me coming with you?"
"Of course not!" Tish said reassuringly, make-believe patting him on the shoulder. It was still a little awkward being friends with someone who was noncorporeal.
"Yeah, we'd be happy to have you tag along," said Nick. Croak had been popping up intermittently since the events of the summer and had become an unofficial fourth point of their triangle. He really was a nice kid, if a little behind on current events.
"Where's your costume?" Tish asked.
"I could go as a spinning purple flame," he joked, "But I've got something else in mind."
- - -
Several minutes later, a doorbell rang.
"TRICK OR TREEEEEAT!!!" came the traditional atonal screech.
A sweet little old lady appeared at the door, leaning through the screenless hole with a bowl full of fun-size chocolate bars, to get a good look at the little devils on the porch. "Oh my! What an impressive robot costume!" the elderly skunk said to Nick.
He beamed proudly and listened to the satisfying 'crinklethunk' of the candy bar hitting the bottom of his bag. "Thanks! I'm a Timebender!"
"Well then, that's a very impressive Timebender costume!" she said with a smile. She turned to regard the boy, or girl, standing next to him. She couldn't quite tell, since the kit was wearing just a simple sheet with eyeholes cut in it.
"I hadda throw something together last minute," Croak said sheepishly.
The kindly skunk nodded. "That's perfectly alright, dear. You still get candy."
'Crinklethunk', right in his bag.
"Thank you!" Croak said happily.
The red Timebender and the sheet-ghost moved aside, and when the little old lady got a good look at the two kids behind them, she nearly soiled her housedress. "Good lord!!!"
"Don't worry, Lady. It's just special effects," Tish said with a cheese-eating grin.
Max was holding his own severed head in his paws, his neck stump glistening vermilion in the porchlight with white bone poking through. Tish's left eye dangled grotesquely down her cheek, plus she had a fleshy, dripping hole drilled right through her chest and out the back; so big you could thread a baseball bat through and not touch the sides.
They held out their bags and smiled angelically.
"My goodness!" the skunk said, once the initial shock had passed. "Those are some VERY scary costumes indeed!"
"They cost a bundle, but they were worth it," Max lied.
"It's amazing what you can do with latex and facepaint these days," Tish bullshitted.
"Well, I think you both deserve two candy bars each instead of one! You've obviously put a lot of work into those get-ups!"
Crinklethunk-crinklethunk. Crinklethunk-crinklethunk.
"Thank youuu!" they singsonged to the old lady as they merrily descended the concrete porch steps. She waved to them and stared, still in awe. She'd never seen such realistic zombie costumes before, not even in the movies!
Nick glared murderously at his two smugly smirking friends. "I work my ass off for months, get hot glue all over my fingers more times than I can count, and you spend ten seconds on your outfits and get *twice* the candy I do!!!"
Tish and Max giggled. "Oh, relax!" Max said. "Soon as we get home, we'll dump everything out and split it three ways, right down the middle."
"That would violate the laws of physics," Tish noted.
"Seriously?" Nick asked (referring to the candy).
"Sure! You're our partner in crime. You help jack up the shock value," she explained. Then she turned to Croak, having realized something out-of-place just then. "Hey, if you can't touch anything while you're here, then how the hell are you wearing a sheet and holding that bag?"
Croak grinned, wondering when they were gonna figure that out. "Oh, the sheet's an illusion," he said, making it vanish for a couple of seconds and then reappear. "The bag's special. I made it all by myself. It's real, made of stuff from the Beyond, but it's got this nifty lining inside that can interact with matter. Thanatos was really impressed; it's some pretty hard magic involved."
"Good for you then," Nick said, quite fascinated.
"Can you actually eat candy though?" Max asked.
"No, but I can let it pass through me and absorb its essence. You guys can still eat it afterwards, but it'll taste kinda bland."
Max looked duly impressed. "Okay, I guess we'll be splitting up the candy four ways then."
- - -
Thanatos had followed along to the mortal plane, just in case Croak got into any trouble while he was out frolicking with the dirt-dwellers. He didn't think that was very likely though. Croak was a very capable and resourceful young lad, and routinely made him proud. To be honest, the boy often seemed more competent than most of the rest of his staff.
After exchanging pleasantries with Carlos and Martina, asking them if their new and improved bodies were giving them any trouble and such, he went to go stand in the corner for the duration of the party and wait for his assistant's return.
He was drinking nonexistent punch from an illusory cup when he was approached by two aging bunny hippies.
The couple actually had been real live hippies during the sixties and, not having come up with any better ideas for this year's Halloween party, had dug around in their closets for their old love beads and paisley vests and peace buttons and Lennon-style purple and orange sunglasses.
"Whoa, man! Great costume!" the groovy chick said.
"Erm, yes. Thank you," Thanatos said quickly, not making eye contact. Being visible to this many mortals at once made him uneasy.
"Who are you supposed to be?" the far-out guy asked. "CATS from Zero Wing? All your base, dude!"
"Um, no," said Thanatos, having no idea what the hell he'd just said.
"Jareth from Labyrinth?" the chick ventured.
"_NO_," the Lord of the Dead growled, quashing down the urge to smite them.
The two bunnies recoiled at his bad vibes and backed off, muttering to themselves.
"Well HE sure wasn't having a nice day!"
"Yeah. He's probably one of those Final Fantasy anime characters or something and was pissed we didn't recognize him."
- - -
"You know, it just hit me," said Max.
"A brick?" Tish guessed.
"No, you goof, the irony that we're all dressed up as what we already are," he said. "We're both zombies, Croak's a ghost-"
"...And Nick's a time-travelling Japanese robot guy," Tish finished.
"Really? I hadn't realized," Nick said, playing along. "That'd probably be a really big help catching up on homework 'n stuff."
Croak guffawed.
"Holy crap, guys!" Tish shouted abruptly, pointing dead ahead. "Look!"
It was every Trick-or-treater's greatest moral dilemma. On the porch of the house in front of them, a giant bowl of miscellaneous goodies stood unguarded. Beside it was a yellow construction paper note: 'We're out at the Halloween party. Please take _one_. BE HONEST!'
Max and Tish grinned demonically.
"So, dump the bowl in the bags and run?" Tish suggested.
"Ohhhh yeah," Max concurred.
Croak gave them the evil eye. "You do and I'll make sure my boss sends you straight to the seventh level of Hell when you die."
So, they compromised.
They all took two and ran off into the night, laughing semi-evilly.
- - -
When Javier and Jeff finally arrived, they went for the opposite tactic of the twins.
When the doorbell rang, a random party guest went to answer it and was immediately frightened so bad he made a quarter-sized wet spot appear on the front of his shorts.
A gigantic black bat in a trenchcoat stormed in, wings outstretched, screaming "BRROOOOOGAAAAAAAAAHHHHHH!!!!!"
"Javier! Good to see you again!" Carlos called out merrily as everyone else at the party gathered their remaining nerves and checked themselves for heart arrythmia.
The two best friends came together in a hearty, manly embrace. "I am sorry I am so late, my friend," the big bat said. "Jeff's car is still a piece of shit, and he drives like a blind dope fiend. We got off course a few miles back."
"Well, everything's okay now. You're here, aren't you?" Carlos said with a strong pat on the shoulder.
Martina came over and joined them. "But you're not wearing a costume though," she said disappointedly. She'd been wondering what kind of weird thing a monster hunter would wear to a Halloween party.
"Do I need one?" he said, shrugging in his beloved trenchcoat and wide-brimmed hat. "They certainly don't think so," he pointed out, indicating the other guests.
"Good point," Martina conceded.
"Where is Jeff?" Carlos asked.
whirr-thunk whirr-thunk
"His costume takes a little while to put on," Javier explained. "He will be here shortly."
Whirr-Thunk Whirr-Thunk
"What's that sound?" Martina asked.
WHIRR-THUNK WHIRR-THUNK
Arms dealing, even to a limited clientele of strictly monster-hunters, is a lucrative business. And if your worldly needs are modest ones already, then you wind up with a lot of spare cash laying around. And, if you're someone who likes to build things anyway, and are good at it, then you find yourself with the means to build your own six-and-a-half foot tall, 200 pound, aluminum reinforced, chrome-plated, blue, red and silver transforming semi truck/robot costume.
Jeff burst through the door, screaming, "I'm Optimus Prime, bitches!!! BOO-YAH!!!"
Martina put a paw over her eyes. "Did you *really* have to bring him?"
Javier nodded enthusiastically and, spotting Thanatos, went off to annoy him.
- - -
Croak ended up being a total godsend.
Aside from his special magic bag being able to interact with matter, it could also hold a surprising amount of it. An _infinite_ amount, actually. So, whenever anyone's bag got full (which was quite often actually), they'd just dump it out in Croak's and continue on. Good deal.
Now, after a long and arduous journey fraught with peril but bringing untold rewards and terrified homeowners, there was only one house left. The big one up on the hill with the bright lights in the windows and the party music you could hear thumping all the way down in the valley.
Their bags bulging obscenely and their little footpaws aching, the happy foursome trudged up the very last driveway of the night.
"I think it's fair to say we got more candy tonight than any other Halloween ever," Nick said, weary but elated.
"Hell yeah," Max agreed, finally putting his head back on his shoulders where it belonged. It had been a drag trying to juggle it and the bag of candy all night long. He'd dropped it twice. And cement is not a very forgiving thing to drop your severed head on. "So, you wanna sleep over tonight?"
Nick shook his head. "Sorry. I'd like to, but Mom's pumpkin pie will be done baking by the time I get back, and that's kind of like a family tradition for us to all eat a slice at midnight."
Tish nodded understandingly. Even next-day leftovers of Mrs. Chainsaw's pies were legendary.
"Dang," said Max. "Our mom's a good cook, but yours cooks her ass under the table. Seriously. You lucky kitty."
Nick smiled proudly.
"Can you stay over?" Tish asked Croak.
He too shook his head. "Sorry, but Thanatos'll probably take me back home not long after we get to your house. It's not like he's a jerk or anything, it's just not a good idea for us Beyonders to stay too long in the mortal world. I'm already feeling kinda wiggly. Plus, you know how he's always busy."
"I guess dumb people die on Halloween too," Max said thoughtfully.
When the cubs finally reached the front door, they could tell the joint was jumpin' just from the amount of noise coming from inside. Tish put her eye back in and finally let her chest canyon close up. It had been trying to heal itself all night long, so she'd been periodically picking at it to keep it fresh and disgusting-looking.
They all bellowed out one last weak 'Trick or treat!' and a pretty lady vampire came to the door. "Sorry, we're all out of candy. How 'bout hugs instead?" Martina asked. The kids giggled and each received a hug as they entered. Martina and Croak were both a bit startled when her arms passed right through him.
Tish and Max surveyed the party mayhem going on all around them. Lots of people smiling and talking, lots of really neat costumes. They spotted Thanatos and Javier conversing off in a corner (and surprisingly, Thanatos wasn't fuming with rage), and they both knew that the sight of Optimus Prime disco dancing in their living room was one that would be burned into their brains for all eternity.
Sprinkling customary 'hello's here and there, the quartet fought their way through the pulsating throng to the staircase and up to Max's bedroom.
With the door closed behind them, all was relatively peaceful; though the floor did still vibrate a bit from the bass notes below. The four friends all crashed on the floor, moaning and rubbing their tired feet. Croak did too, out of sympathy, even though he'd just been floating all evening. Nick was relieved to finally be able to take his costume off. It was cool, yes, but also very heavy and sweaty.
"So, let's see it," Max said eagerly. He tipped out his bag on the hardwood and a perfectly respectable pile of candy emerged. He had to fight his inner self to keep from just diving in and cramming stuff in his mouth right away.
Tish followed, producing an avalanche with a slightly bigger circumference than her brother's. "Mine's bigger," she said in a sultry voice, perfectly aware of the double entendre.
Nick went next. His pile wasn't nearly as big as either twins'. "Damn. Well, it's not like it matters anyway. We're splitting it all up, right?"
The twins nodded, and then they all looked to Croak.
"Spill it," Tish urged impatiently.
Croak grinned ear to ear and dumped his bag out.
It was _astonishing_. The candy gushed forth like the crash of a tsunami, easily flowing over all three of the other piles and engulfing them. It was undoubtably more candy than any of them had ever seen in one place in their whole lives.
"*Fuck*!!" shouted Tish.
"The motherlode!" Nick exclaimed.
Max's eyes glazed over.
"Okay, okay," Tish said, assuming command. "Remember the ritual. One piece of candy now, then we can all go crazy once everything's divided up, okay?"
The boys all agreed. "Okay," Croak said. "I've never done anything like this before. So whatever you guys usually do."
They all carefully selected the one thing that made their mouth water the most. One of the many differences between the twins that they'd always been grateful for was that, candy-wise, everything Max loved best Tish hated intensely and vice versa. So, Tish always got all the Jolly Ranchers and Max ended up with sixty or so rolls of Smarties. Tish: Squirrel Nut Chews and Dots. Max: Lemonheads and Chik-o-stix. Chocolate stuff was beloved equally by both. And they also equally _detested_ Necco Wafers.
With sweets in hand (Croak kind of held his through a corner of the bag), Tish cried out just before anyone took a first bite, "Wait!"
Everyone looked at her.
"I propose a toast!"
"But we're all out of Jelly!" Max protested.
She immediately decked him. "You know what I mean, Captain Retardo."
"Tee hee," said Max.
"I propose a toast," Tish continued, "To legalized extortion once a year! To trick-or-treating!!"
They all reached out and tapped their treats together.
"Cheers!!"
And then the debauchery began.
- - -
By eleven thirty, the party had finally wound down enough that the stereo was silent, the snack table was barren and only Javier, Nick, Thanatos and Croak remained. Jeff had already left, having caught the eye of a comely young pony lass dressed up as She-Ra. They'd left early and were now at a nearby motel doing God-knows-what to each other.
Max, Tish and Nick were all sufficiently bloated with sugar and were sort of sleepy and wired at the same time. Croak had said that the experience alone was enough for him, and wanted to keep only a modest bagful of his share of the candy. They'd all tried to convince him to take a full quarter, he'd certainly earned it, but the little specter politely refused; saying that eating food made of matter was kinda weird to him anyway. Like trying to eat soup with chopsticks.
Thanatos had ducked out for a little while earlier to go slaughter some undeads, lest the work pile up too much, but had come back spot on time to escort his young ward back home to his waiting warm bed.
Croak gave his three friends big hugs and really wished he could actually feel their touch as they returned them. "Thanks, guys. Tonight's been great! I haven't had this much fun in ages!"
They all told him he was welcome and said it had been fun having him too. "You're welcome to drop by anytime you like," Martina reminded him.
"Thank you very much, Mrs. Lopez," he said charmingly. "Maybe someday you guys can visit me at my place."
"How?" Nick asked.
Tish flinched. "Wouldn't we have to... um, die?"
"Well, yeah," Croak admitted. "But just for a little while." He looked up to his boss, his gaze asking, 'Does that sound feasible?'
Thanatos considered it. "I suppose so. It would be a simple matter to extract your souls temporarily. Your bodies would lie in a coma-like state until you returned."
"Sounds jolly," Javier interjected.
"Who said YOU could come?" Thanatos huffed, but he was grinning underneath. Truth be told, he'd grown to rather like Javier. It wasn't often he met anyone with the balls to challenge him so openly. The two of them had established a sort of gruff camaraderie.
"Can we? Pleeeease?" Tish begged her parents, Max joining in too. "I bet the land of the dead is *cool*!"
"Actually, it's rather a lot like here," Thanatos admitted. "There's just no such thing as physics where I come from."
Carlos and Martina rolled their eyes, but were unable to resist their childrens' wiles. "Oh, all right," Carlos said. "I guess we're still in debt to you pups over the magic act thing."
"Thanks, Daddeee!" the twins singsonged.
"Could I ask a favor too?" Nick asked Mr. and Mrs. Lopez.
"Sure, Nick," Martina said.
"Could you guys drive me home? I really don't wanna have to walk all the way back. My paws are killing me."
"Sure thing, kiddo," the coyotefemme said warmly, giving his headfur a rustle.
Javier, meanwhile, went to get a soda from the kitchen.
"Oh, yeah... we left our bikes over there," Tish realized.
"I guess we can just pick 'em up in the morning," Max suggested.
"I'll just run upstairs and get my costume," Nick said. "And my candy!"
But just as he was starting up the stairs, Javier's voice startled him, and everyone else too. "Come here please! Everyone!" His tone was calm, but still exuded importance.
Puzzled, the group in the livingroom all marched into the kitchen. "What's up?" Max asked.
Javier was staring out the kitchen window, his nose almost touching it. The glare from the overhead light kept the rest of them from seeing what he was seeing, for now. "Tish..." he spoke slowly, "did you, by any chance, spill any of the potion when you brought Young Master Max back to life?"
She thought about it a bit. "No... I'm pretty sure I didn't."
"Not even a drop?"
"Yeah, I'm sure. I-" She stopped cold, coming to a horrible realization. "Wait, does puke count? Max barfed all over the place right after he got alive again."
Javier nodded. "That would do it." He waved them all closer with his wing. "Look. Out there."
They all crowded around to see.
He pointed with his wing towards the old town cemetery.
The dead were crawling up out of their graves in droves.
Disoriented skeletons, dressed in rotting tuxedos and gowns, shambled about aimlessly. Worm-eaten flesh dripped slowly from old bone. They were searching for something. Flesh. They hungered for flesh, and it would not be long before they all recognized their desire and banded together to swoop down on the sleeping city below.
"Oh shit," said Martina.
"Exactly," Javier agreed.
"But why now!?" Tish burst out. "I zombified Max *months* ago!"
"True, but this is Halloween night," Javier said seriously. "It is different."
Thanatos backed him up. "You mortals have turned it into a harmless holiday, but some of you still remember why this day is special. On this night, the barrier between the realms is thin, and things like this have a way of just ...happening."
Tish felt really, really guilty. "I'm sorry."
"It's not your fault," Javier told her reassuringly. "You could not have predicted this. But I am glad now that I stopped by."
"So, are we gonna go fight them or what?" Nick asked.
Javier looked at Thanatos and both of them nodded. "We must," the Lord of the Dead intoned gravely.
"Hey, where's Max?" Tish said, looking around and realizing he'd just vanished.
*BRAAAOWWWWRRRRRRRR-VRUGGA-VRUGGA-VRUGGA*!!!!!
As the unholy noise ripped through the air, the unlikely group of living, dead and partially-undead all ran to the side door and found it already open. Max was standing there in the backyard, paws clutching an idling chainsaw with a wicked gleam in his eyes.
"I'm way ahead of you! Go grab some shit from the toolshed and let's kill ourselves some dead people!"
*VVVVVRRAWOWWWWWNN*!!!!!
"I should get overtime pay for this," Thanatos mused bitterly.
The End
for now...
***
Author's endnote;
Not much to say, only that I had a ton of fun writing this, and for about three seconds I seriously considered titling it, "He Ain't Dead, He's My Brother". ;P
(Oh, and I'm sorry if any of the accented characters didn't show up correctly. I couldn't figure out how to make them stay the same thing through all the formatting and whatnot.)
SUGGESTED SOUNDTRACK:
Move Your Dead Bones - Dr. Reanimator
Living Dead Girl - Rob Zombie (Tish's theme)
Tubthumping - Chumbawamba (Max's theme)
Down With The Sickness - Disturbed
Bodies - Drowning Pool
Dead Man's Party - Oingo Boingo
No One Lives Forever - Oingo Boingo
Take Me Out - Franz Ferdinand
Back In Black - AC/DC
Malaguena Salerosa - Chingon
original music composed by Danny Elfman (Natch, who else?)
"Summer Vacation Of The Living Dead"
Started: July 10th, 2005 Finished: October 7th, 2005 Editing Completed: October 10th, 2005
