There is a dream I used to have when I would stare at the night skies. My eyes were younger then and the stars reflected off my iris's with hope. I've never quite been fully well for there has been gaps within my life. The empty crevices of desires and hope met with the reality of my character and that relation to others in turn.
My existence is built upon the previous frames of my life so far. This barren place, I wander in rooms full of people who are laughing like I can't laugh and connecting in a way I'm terrified to. I've been ridiculed for my choice of words, the topics I pursue...and when I find someone holding out their hand for me again, I'm terrified to reach out in turn. I've been turned to when I had a point of purpose. I feel like a tool of unique innovation, and I've been discarded so many times I feel beneath trash. I sometimes wish I was left there but it's lonely.
I used to talk a lot more but not so much now. So many people did not enjoy the way I spoke. When I'd find someone who seemed to listen I felt hopeful they would stick around. I've learned to limit my hope. I've been told I was a great person, that I was enjoyed, that I was loved. I settled myself in abusive relationships and ended a splintered individual. I learned patience.
The efforts of that patience has been the distancing of myself from others and my emotions. My ultimate reward was limiting how much I hurt and the capacity of how much I feel. My mother has said I dwindle happiness from those around me for it. My father's last words to me were that I would ruin everything I ever had.
I had a dream that I was laying in a grove of light and that arms were about me. I'd realized I had never truly been held close. I heard a whisper in my ear " I know you're stronger than this. " and it was myself.
But I never feel any stronger. I became my own dream eater.
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Published:
10 years ago
29 Jun 2015 21:30 CEST
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