Yadur

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by ShaneFrost

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I feel divided, separated and riddled with anxiety. How I reach out so quietly and find disappointment. I cling to fantasy in this place. Wander the shades of trees as I grow further lost. I think I'm a shadow too right now.

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human 107,974, nothingness 817

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Type: Portfolio

Published: 9 years, 7 months ago

Rating: General

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KNIFE

9 years, 7 months ago

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SO...game of shadows? :D

Wtfkid1

9 years, 7 months ago

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Sometimes, I feel as if it'd be better for me to live in a fantasy of my own. The fantasy worlds I immerse myself in provide me with comfort, a sense of belonging, love, friendship, excitement, empowerment, and feelings that make me feel important. Even though I know it's just a dream, or a game, they make me feel more at peace with myself then reality does. In the real world, people are constantly being hurt, traumatized, judged, or killed because they think or feel differently than other people in their society or their part of the world. If I could, I'd create a place where people can quite literally be themselves. They wouldn't have to be afraid of being judged based on their culture or beliefs or the way they act. that'd be a place I'd enjoy living in.

Reality is something that I'm finding is harder and harder to deal with each day. Every day, I hear about some sort of bad event, wether it be a bombing or a suicide, and it makes me sad and disgusted that I can't do anything to help people. My fear and self-loathing drag me into depression and anxiety, and art, video games, animals, and music are some of the only things that make me happy. I find myself finding easier to relate to fictional characters more than real people. My fears of being rejected or unaccepted because of my beliefs and lack of way to effectively communicate my feelings with people make it strenuously difficult to tell others how I feel. I pour my heart out to fictional caracters and complete strangers over the internet through Inkbunny journals and comments, because it's easier for me than just trying to sit in front of someone and tell them what I think or feel.

My imagination and the fictional worlds that others create through art, music, and video games, are the only times I can relax. I step into the shoes of a character, or create my own, and go on an adventure just by sitting down and pressing buttons or reading words, or dreaming. I can save a troubled realm, rescue princesses or princes, build a castle from the ground up, slay evil monsters, pilot a pirate ship that can go through the sky, make new friends, find love, or even just aimlessly wander around and take in the scenery and read about a world's lore or just act like an idiot.

But, I know that it's just a childish dream, and eventually, I wake up. I get up, take my medications, exercise my lungs by riding the exercise bike, do my chores, and go to school and work...but I hate that sort of life. I love the people and places that others imagine and create. I love the Elder Scrolls, I love Morenatsu, I love Mass Effect, I love Sly Cooper, I love Kingdom Hearts, I love Infamous, I love Pokemon, I love My Little Pony, and the list goes on.

The point is, I want to have more freedom. I want to vist those worlds and the people that inhabit them. I want to live a life that makes ME happy, and where I can help people. I don't want to file taxes, or grow up into an unhappy old person, I want to be young at heart, and content with the life that I've led when I die. But most importantly, I want to thank all of the people that make these worlds for us to enjoy, and I want to make the world happier and brighter. I love living, I love life, and I want to be happy and make others happy.

Whoever you are, thank you for reading the crazed ramblings of a strange, autistic boy. ...if it's not to much to ask, please think of me, and my words once in a while. Thanks. :)

Love, Chris/A.K.A.: cpukid1, wtfkid1, cpukid4, that little devil, sunshine, and friend to all lovers of peace, art, music, and life. :)

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