Bowsette’s Princess Lessons
Book II: The Decline and Fall of the Mushroom Kingdom
By Yu May
Prologue: The End, and The Beginning
On the surface of the Moon, two white rabbits hopped along, hand in hand.
What’s that? You say rabbits don’t live on the Moon? Don’t be silly, of course they do. Where else do you expect them to find the right kind of green cheese to serve with carrots and rice cake?
Anyway, these two moon-dwelling rabbits were dressed for a lovely night stroll under the Earth light.
One wore a proper little bowler hat, the other wore a frilly bonnet. Coming to a high, secluded spot, the rabbits paused to bask in the light of the blue planet that hung above them. In the distance, they could make out the faint sound of church bells ringing.
Then, there was a crack like lightning, which broke the eerie silence of the infinite moonscape, and what looked like a golden comet flew through the sky. The two rabbits watched in awe as the comet broke apart, and three people flew through the air. Two of them came to a rolling crash landing on the sandy moonscape. One was a handsome, mustached man wearing a white tuxedo (and top hat with cartoon eyeballs). The other was a gigantic turtle-man wearing nothing at all. Finally, a tall, beautiful woman wearing a white wedding dress (and a tiara with cartoon eyeballs) came floating down, gently landing beside them, before approaching the handsome mustached man.
With a burst of light, the man’s top hat and the woman’s tiara flew into the air, and two hat ghosts appeared, embracing each other like siblings. Of course, that’s the ordinary sort of thing you see every day when you’re a rabbit who lives on the moon, but what happened next was truly extraordinary.
As the two rabbits watched with wide, shining eyes, the man and woman approached one another, each staring longingly into the other’s eyes. But then the giant turtle hopped to his feet and knocked the little man aside, thrusting a bouquet of monstrous flowers into the beautiful woman’s face. The mustached man elbowed aside the turtle. As he knelt before the woman, he produced a white flower from his coat, offering it up to her.
The woman backed away, frowning at the sight of the turtle man’s hideous bouquet. The woman shouted, her voice clear, with controlled, regal authority. “Enough!”
Then she stomped away, leaving both the man and the turtle behind. The mustached man hung his head, before the turtle-man turned away, howling with anguish. Finally, the handsome man patted the turtle on the back of his green shell.
Then, there was a shrill whistle, and both the man and the monster looked up. The two hat ghosts floated beside the beautiful woman, who was standing on the deck of a magnificent, top-hat-shaped space ship, waving to the mustached man. “Let’s go home!” she called.
As the spaceship began to take off, the mustached man and the turtle monster ran to reach it, leaping into the air to grab onto the railings. At the last moment, the mustached man kicked off from the giant turtle’s head, sending the monster crashing back down. One of the hat ghosts flew toward him, transforming into a magnificent, red newsboy cap, and with a flourish, the man caught the cap, put it on his head, and landed on the deck beside the beautiful woman.
Then, the space ship took off, and sailed toward the blue planet in the sky.
The two rabbits watched until the ship shrank into nothingness. Then they looked at each other, shrugged, and bounced away, paw in paw.
Now, I know what you’re wondering. Did those two get married and have lots and lots of babies? Well, don’t worry, because I’m finally, finally going to tell you the answer: Yes! Both rabbits got married and had lots and lots of bunny babies!
…What’s that? You wanted to know about the handsome mustached man and the tall, beautiful woman? Will they ever get married, and have lots and lots of babies?
…Sorry, kids. Wish I knew the answer to that one. I know that after the whole escapade on the moon, the tall, beautiful woman went on an independent journey of self-discovery, and the handsome, mustached man went back to adventuring. Some of us have been waiting for those two goofs to tie the knot since 1985. But if you want my opinion, then I think that one day, sooner or later, that man and woman will most certainly get married. However hard the journey, however long it takes, love finds a way.
Chapter I:
Legends, Lore, and Loss.jpg
After surviving what felt like a never-ending series of adventures, Mario and Princess Peach were busy making a cake in the kitchen of Castle Toadstool. As Mario pulled a second cake out of the oven and set it down, Peach finished applying frosting to the first, writing ornate letters which read, “Thank You, Mario!” with a practiced flourish.
Mario examined a frosting tube with curiosity, only to accidentally squeeze it a bit too hard, and sent a fleck of frosting flying onto his mustache. Peach giggled at the sight, and pulled a dainty handkerchief from her apron pocket. Mario froze as Peach daintily dabbed away the frosting, her hand on his shoulder, her face close to his.
Mario thought back to that fateful day, a year ago, after he’d rescued Peach on the moon, only to be rejected. Closing his eyes, Mario turned his head away slightly, with a stoic look on his face. As Peach finished cleaning the last of the frosting away, she hesitated, her hand still on Mario’s shoulder, his face so, so close to hers.
And then, for the first time in almost a year, Peach remembered that same fateful day on the moon.
She remembered how she had felt when Mario had knelt on one knee before her, before Bowser had shoved his way between them.
Holding her breath, Peach leaned in close to Mario, closing her own eyes.
Then, the door of the kitchen slammed open, and a young, male Goomba charged in, yammering and stammering, his blue baseball cap flopping over his eyes. Both Mario and Peach jumped into fighting stances as a goomba charged in, before they recognized the Goomba as their companion Goombario, the first goomba ever to stand and fight side by side with Mario. Looking panicked, Goombario fixed his cap. “M-m-mario! P-Princess Peach! I forgot to tell you what I was going to tell you about my top-secret history project!”
Peach blinked. “History project?”
Then, Goombella, the second Goomba ever to stand and fight side by side with Mario, came charging in, her blond pony tail flying wildly, before she slammed to a halt against Goombario with such force, she knocked him over, complete with a Wii Bowling sound effect. With stars circling her noggin, Goombella shook her head. “It’s the Crown of Queen Toadstool! We think we found another reference to it in the Royal Archives. But then, well, Bowser started knocking down the scenery, and we forgot all about it in the chaos!”
Peach slammed her fist into her open palm. “Let’s-a go!”
…
On their way to the library, the four friends stopped at the hospital wing to fetch Kooper the Koopa from the hospital wing. Peach noticed Luigi and Daisy fast asleep, covered in bandages.
For some reason, Daisy had elected to sleep right next to Luigi on his hospital bed, with him hooked tight against her side in an elbow lock.
Peach cooed softly at the sight. “Aw! They must be completely tuckered out after that terrible ordeal…”
Tactfully, Peach decided to let the two of them rest and recover from. Just as they were about to leave, Goombario’s kid sister, Goombaria, appeared, her orange hair bow flopping with outrage. “Aha! I knew you were up to something! You’re going on another adventure, aren’t you?”
Goombario grit his teeth. “N-Nothing like that! We’re just–ah–going to the library? To read some dusty old books?”
Goombaria glared at Goombario. “Are you, perhaps, going on an adventure to the library, to read some thrilling dusty old books, filled with ancient, mysterious lore?”
Goombario sighed. “Perhaps?”
Goombaria flashed her buck teeth with a look of triumph. “Ha! I knew it! You can never lie to me, big brother. I’m tagging along!”
Goombella sidled between the two siblings, and nudged Goombaria. “Finally, another Goomba girl on the team. Tell me, Goombaria, has your brother always been so…oh, how do I put this…gung-ho for adventure?”
Goombaria smiled mischievously. “Well, there was the time he got his entire head stuck in the cookie jar, and tried to pin it on me.”
Blushing furiously, Goombario cleared his throat. “Only because the Cookie Jar Incident was entirely your fault.”
Goombella grinned, her expression perfectly matching little Goombaria’s. “Okay, this I gotta hear. And I want to hear both sides of the story.”
Despite a bit of disagreement about the relevant facts, Goombario and Goombario managed to tell the whole story of the Cookie Jar Incident as they walked down the halls of the palace, finishing just as they arrived at the library.
The librarian, Litera T. Toad, greeted them at the entrance to the ancient archives, with only a look of modest disapproval on her face at the sight of Goombaria. “Isn’t this one a bit young to be in the ancient archives, without your parents here?”
As Goombario blushed, Goombaria straightened to her full, adorably diminutive height. “Don’t worry, ma’am. I’ll make sure Goombario stays out of trouble. You have my word.”
Litera T. smiled mysteriously. “Really? Well, in that case, I suppose he’s welcome.”
As they arrived in the dimly lit archive room, Peach felt her breath fluttering in her chest and steadied herself. “Sir Goombario, Sir Kooper, Lady Goombella…we’re all ears. What have you learned about the Crown of Queen Toadstool?”
Goombario looked sheepish. “Uh, Goombella, ladies first! After you!”
Goombella blushed, shaking her head. “Oh, no, no, no, Goombario, this is, like, your big discovery. You should totally go first.”
Goombario chuckled, nudging Goombella with his invisible elbow. “But I insist! After all, you’re our resident expert on Old Shroomish. You go first.”
Litera T. produced her wooden ruler, and cracked it smartly against her palm. “No excessive politeness in the library! Someone better go first, and quick!”
Goombella and Goombario both froze, equally in terror of the wooden ruler. Finally, Kooper shrugged, and unfurled a map of the Mushroom Kingdom on the table before them. “Then I’ll go first. Goombella and I concentrated on reading what we could about the royal family history of House Toadstool, since we can read Old Shroomish. But Goombario took a crack at deciphering the mystery language, from the ancient myths of the Mushroom Kingdom. We think he figured out the gist of it at least, and he made a first pass at transcribing the language.”
Peach glanced at Goombario, raising an eyebrow. “After not even one day? How did you manage that?”
Finally tearing his eyes away from the wooden ruler, Goombario cleared his throat. “Oh, just some basic documentation work. First, I photographed the scrolls…without touching them!”
Litera T. narrowed her eyes. “You’d better not have used a camera flash to do that.”
Goombario swelled his chest. “Of course not! I, uh, remembered to use a tripod–thank you, Goombella–and then I used free software to transcribe the characters on each section of the scroll. Even though the language is completely different, the same characters are used in all Old Shroomish texts. And because Shroomish is a phonetic writing system, it might be possible for an expert, like Professor Frankly, to read the words from the scroll aloud, even if we don’t actually know what all the words mean yet.”
Peach nodded. “Do any of you have a theory on what this mystery language is, or why the written language is so similar to Old Shroomish?”
Goombella nudged aside Goombario, her eyes shining. “Ah, that could mean two things! Either a scribe of the Ancient Mushroom Kingdom was transcribing a story from another language into our writing system, or…and this is the possibility I find most exciting…it means that the ancient people of the Mushroom Kingdom borrowed their written language from a still more ancient people!”
Mario, who had been standing aside with his arms crossed, leaned in close to examine Goombario’s photographs. “Like the Tribe of the Ancients? Or the Shadow Tribe?”
Goombaria squinted, and whispered in her big brother’s ear. “What’re those?”
Goombario opened his mouth, but Goombella zipped to appear at their side, bouncing on her heels. “Oooh! I know the answer! The Tribe of the Ancients and the Shadow Tribe were the first denizens of the Mushroom Kingdom. Scholars widely consider them to be the first practitioners of space-time magic, before their societies disappeared, leaving behind prophetic texts foretelling the end of all life on earth.”
Goombaria’s eyes went wide. “Oh no! So we gotta find those ancient prophecies and stop the end of the world?”
Peach giggled. “Oh, don’t worry, Goombaria. Mario and I already took care of that two years ago. Remember how poor Luigi lost his memories? And how we had to team up with Bowser?”
Mario scowled. “I remember Bowser being a big baby about it.”
Goombaria pouted. “Ah, man! When am I gonna get my turn to go on a big adventure with Mario? Goombario already got his turn!”
Goombario cleared his throat. “As I was saying, I’ve transcribed as much as I can of the ancient language, and I’ve got high resolution photos of the stamped woodcut images that illustrate the text. Just from those alone, I’m confident it’s a mythic history, telling the story of King Toadstool the First’s discovery of Mushroom Land, and the establishment of the Toadstool Dynasty.”
Peach hummed. “Why do you call it a mythic history, Goombario? King Toadstool the First may have reigned over a thousand years ago, but he’s well attested in our historical records.”
Goombario chuckled, gesturing at a dusty computer monitor that looked like a relic of the 1980s. “Heh. Indubitably, your highness! Just like you said, every legend contains a grain of truth. That’s what makes it a mythic history. The images of the scroll detail all sorts of cataclysms and catastrophes. Fire raining down from the sky, floods covering the earth, monsters unleashed from the bowels of the earth. The usual stuff. But as the story progresses, your ancestors gradually emerge into the story. Take a look at this art…”
A pixelated hourglass spun on the computer screen, before it displayed a black-and-white illustration, drawn in a simple, geometric art style. “This art depicts a hideous monster bursting from beneath a giant mountain, see the little town at the bottom corner? Then, all the knights of the Kingdom of Lulu Land attack the monster, but their spears and arrows are useless. I think this art is supposed to represent King Toadstool, his wife, and his two daughters, along with someone who looks like a knight, with a sword and shield. Perhaps he’s supposed to be the champion of Lulu Land? Sort of like a precursor to you, Mario.”
Mario only nodded and hummed softly, not taking his eyes off the screen.
Peach leaned close behind Goombario’s shoulder to examine the monitor. “Lulu Land? What’s that?”
“That’s how I think these characters should be pronounced, based on my elementary knowledge of Old Shroomish. What do you think, Goombella?”
Goombella curled her lip. “Well, we have a rough idea of how the characters should be pronounced, thanks to advances made in the study of Middle Shroomish phonetics. But what makes you think it’s the name of a country? The characters for ‘Lulu’ don’t mean anything in Shroomish.”
Goombario smirked. “Because every instance of those characters in the scroll has a prefix, the same character that is used to mean ‘country’ or ‘homeland’ in Old Shroomish.”
Goombella narrowed her eyes. “Hmm, interesting hypothesis. You’re right, it can mean those things, but that character has plenty of uses. It can mean things like ‘esteemed’ or ‘divine.’ We’ll have to get Professor Frankley’s perspective on this.”
Goombario winked. “Already on it! I emailed all my photographs and preliminary notes to Professor Frankley before…well, the Bower emergency distracted me. If anyone can crack it, he can.”
Peach smiled. “Wonderful work, Goombario! Were you able to learn anything else from the illustrations?”
Goombario tapped the keyboard, and a new image appeared, as the knight stabbed the black monster with a sword. “Well, from the looks of it, it’s a sad story. It looks like the noble hero challenges the monster, striking it in the heart…but then it looks like the monster’s black heart just grows…bigger and bigger, like a shadow.”
Noticing how all eyes in the room were now fixed on him, Goombario bit his lip, and clicked to the next image. It showed the black heart nearly filling the page, swallowing up the hero. “As the shadow heart starts to cover up the knight, you can see he’s pointing the royal family toward a wooden ship with white sails…the King flees to the ship along with a small crowd of figures, carrying his infant daughter…
Goombario clicked to reveal the next slide. The illustration was nearly entirely black, except for the figure of the princess, who seemed to radiate a soft glow. All that remained of the brave knight was a black hand, clinging to hers, as the rest of his body disappeared in darkness. “…but look, his eldest daughter, the crown princess, is holding back, staring at the knight…then she runs to pull the knight free from the sea of darkness...Then, what looks like a needle of darkness stabs the crown princess, and she is knocked back toward the ship. See the King, reaching out for her with one hand?”
Goombario clicked, then frowned. “...Next, we see the King and both his daughters are huddled aboard the ship, sailing away from the darkness…”
Mario’s eyes were fixed, reflecting the image on the screen. There was no sign of the knight on the ship.
Peach made a soft, sad little sound. “Ahem…Goombario, you called her the crown princess. But how can you know that, just from the art?”
Goombario seemed to snap from a trance, and grinned again. “Ah, see for yourself…when the ship arrives at their destination…it’s clearly Mushroom Land. See? They depart the ship, and are greeted by Toads, Koopas…and Goombas! We see a few images showing the development of a settlement, laying the foundation for a construction project…Look familiar?”
“Oh my! Those are the ancient walls of Star Fortress…Which can only mean…the family depicted in the art has to be…”
As Peach trailed off, Goombario flicked to the final slide, and finished her sentence for her. “King Toadstool the First…little Princess Cherry, as an infant…and the nameless Crown Princess, who would go on to become Queen Toadstool the First, after the great succession crisis.”
Peach knelt low to meet Goombario at his eye-level. “What happens next? Does the scroll contain any information about her crown?”
Goombario winced. “Um, sorry your Highness. That’s as far as I’ve gotten. I wanted to photograph the rest of the scroll, but…”
Litera T. snapped her ruler against the palm of her hand. “The rest of the scroll cannot be unrolled without the risk of destroying it. Ancient papyrus is simply too brittle.”
Goombella clicked her tongue. “Aha! What we need is an X-ray Tomograph, like we have at U-Goom! Professor E. Gadd invented it. With one of his tomography, we should be able to recover images of the rest of the scroll, without touching it.”
Peach nodded. “I think the M.K.U. Archaeology Department owns one. I can ask Professor Toad to loan it to us.”
Mario shook his head. “But he’s on sabbatical, remember?”
Peach stroked her chin. “Then I’ll just have to ask Professor Toadsky for permission to borrow it. He’s a member of the Council of Elders…I’ll probably be getting a tongue-lashing from them sooner or later, thanks to the whole Bowser fiasco. Hopefully he won’t be too cross with me. But if it’s the only way for us to learn more about the scroll, then I’m sure I can persuade him. Anything else you’ve been able to learn, Goombario?”
“Just that the mystery language uses a few characters that don’t exist in any dictionary of Old Shroomish. I’ve transcribed them so that an expert like Frankly might be able to crack them…But I’m afraid I’m out of my depth.”
Goombella snorted, and nudged Goombario. “Don’t be so modest, Goombario, this research is totally rad. If you were a graduate student at U-Goom, that’d be enough work to keep a Master’s Thesis candidate busy.”
Peach stood to her full height, smiling sweetly. “Yes, thank you, Sir Goombario. You’ve done us an immense service, and so promptly. We are in your debt. Lady Goombella, Sir Kooper, have you anything to bring to my attention?”
Goombella sighed. “Well, I was combing through our Old Shroomish records. Looks like they go as far back as the King Toadstool II, and the division of the Kingdom between his two sons. There’s a little info about his mother Queen Cherry…but almost nothing about Queen Toadstool the First. Not even a name. Can you recall if your family tree has any records which might include her?”
Peach held a finger to her lip. “Hmm. Now that you mention it, I never heard her referred to by any name other than Queen Toadstool the First. Our best bet would be our family tree’s genealogical record.”
Litera T. sniffed. “I can save you the trouble. My first job as Royal Librarian was a preservation effort for the official record of the Royal Line of House Toadstool. There was significant damage done to the earliest genealogical manuscripts. We believe it was caused by a fire in the library centuries ago. But whatever caused it, there are only scraps left, kept under glass. It’s notoriously hard to sort out the early family history of House Toadstool.”
Kooper cleared his throat. “I don’t suppose E. Gadd’s latest X-ray technology could help us discern anything on the burnt remains. Goombella?”
Goombella sighed. “We can get high-resolution scans of what’s left, at least. It’s a long-shot, but it’s worth trying. I’d also suggest that I try to broaden my search, beyond the official family record.”
Peach nodded. “What kind of materials are you looking for?”
Goombella pulled out a notebook and began to scribble furiously. “Anything from the time of Princess Cherry or earlier. Bills, receipts, personal letters, grocery lists.”
Mario squinted. “Huh? Grocery lists? What’s the use in that?”
Goombella grinned. “Oh, that’s an in-joke for archaeologists. There’s nothing we love more than finding an ancient grocery list. If the major historical records don’t have what you’re looking for, you have to widen your net to…well, everything from the time period. I don’t suppose the Royal Archives have a ‘Found in Collection’ section?”
Litera T. sniffed. “Finally, I meet someone who appreciates the importance of organizational systems for a reference library.”
Peach giggled. “And Sir Kooper, were you able to find anything interesting?”
Kooper patted the table where he had laid out his hand-drawn map. “Well, it’s not so much that I found something interesting, but rather that I didn’t find something, and it’s rather interesting. Not sure if this has anything to do with our troubles with Bowser’s creepy crown, but…well, Princess Peach, it seems that an entire island has gone missing from the Mushroom Kingdom’s national territory.”
Everyone turned to face Kooper. Peach only let her mouth hang open very slightly. “Pardon me?”
Kooper tapped his drawing, then flipped open two heavy books, one showing an ancient map, the other showing a modern map. “Your ancient maps all make reference to an island kingdom, dubbed the Emerald Island in Old Shroomish. ”
Goombario narrowed his eyes. “The land of infinite gold? Like from ye olde pirate tales? C’mon, Kooper! It must be a reference to the old stories. A fantasy map.”
“That’s exactly what I thought. But the references to it aren’t in books of myth. These maps are for trade routes. That means ‘The Emerald Isle’ was large enough that it had a significant commercial port.”
“What happened to it?”
Kooper shrugged, then used a compass to measure a spot on his own hand-drawn map, where he had penciled the ghostly image of an island, without inking it. “They stopped drawing it on maps. See? Here’s the exact latitude, and the longitude, but…there’s nothing here but open sea, according to modern cartography.”
Peach stared at the spot. “Any explanation as to why?”
Kooper shook his head. “Sorry. That’s as far as I got before…well, you know, Bowser did his thing.”
Peach nodded. “Thank you, Kooper. Whatever you can find about this mysterious island, I would like to know. Do you think you can determine when this disappearance took place?”
Goombella started, then glanced at Peach knowingly. “Let me guess. You think it has something to do with Queen Toadstool the First’s reign.”
Goombario pursed his lips. “Look, I’m not saying there really is a lost, mysterious island–or, there isn’t a lost, mysterious island–or whatever…but the only way to confirm this theory is to date the maps. Doesn’t your source have any dates for the maps?”
Kooper tapped the book of illustrated maps he had been copying from. “A few dates in the margins, but not enough to narrow down the year of the supposed disappearance. Not from this tome, at least. It’s an antique collection of hand-drawn copies of older maps. Fascinating stuff, but not what we need. I could try reading through records of shipping routes. Like Goombella said, sometimes you discover treasure troves buried in the most boring places.”
Peach took a step back from the table, collecting her breath. “Thank you, Sir Kooper. We would be most grateful to know anything you can find about ‘The Emerald Isle.’ May we impose upon you to continue your research?”
Kooper bowed at the waist. “This Koopa is at your service, your Highness!”
Peach bowed her head slightly. “And we are in your debt. You will have Toadbert and Toadiko to act as your official assistants in the library…Let’s see, I’ll need to find Toadette to arrange–”
The door of the archival room creaked open, and Toadette popped in her head. “Excuse me, I’m looking for…Princess Peach?”
Peach turned in shock, before smiling. “Toadette! There you are!”
With a huff, Toadette put her hand on hip. “There you are! The Council of Elders sent me to find you.”
Peach stiffened. “The Council of Elders summons me?”
Mario strode toward Toadette. “What, now? Peach barely survived an attack this morning!”
Toadette waved a hand, non-chalantly, leaving the door open behind her. “Exactly! I tried to explain to those doddering old curmudgeons that you all needed to rest from your injuries, but would they listen? No, of course they didn’t! I swear, when they’re not being severely hard-of-hearing, they’re being selectively hard-of-hearing.”
Peach turned and performed a quick curtsey. “Thank you, everyone. Please excuse me. Thank you for alerting me, Toadette. I will obey their summons at once.”
Peach surprised Toadette by striding straight past her, and out the door, leaving them all behind.
Mario hurried to catch up with Peach, power-walking alongside her to keep up with her long strides. “But why? What’s so urgent they need to see you now, after all you’ve been through?”
Peach just barely failed to disguise her nerves behind a giggle. “Oh, I’m sure it’s nothing to worry about. Maybe they’re going to give me a spanking, after all.”
In shock, Mario froze in his tracks.
Peach strided nine whole steps before she finally realized what she had just said out loud, noticed Mario missing, and twisted to look at him over her shoulder, her cheeks blushing madly.
[End of Chapter 1]
