Chapter II:
A Video Game of Thrones
Just outside the great double-doors of the royal throne room, Mario was pacing back and forth like a caged tiger. “I don’t care if Toadsworth is head of the council. If any of those doddering old fools think they can lay hands on you, I’ll give them a dose of their own medicine. See how they like it!”
Peach managed to keep her posture and voice perfectly poised, but her face was still flushed red. With Toadette’s help, she had quickly changed into one of her formal ball gowns. “Mario, it was just a joke. I’m sure they’re not really going to give me a…ahem…chastize me. Not without just cause.”
“Just cause my hat! Those old fools have no right to spank you!”
At the mention of the word “spank,” Peach thought wistfully about whether it was possible for one to drop dead from embarrassment. Peach took a fluttering breath. “I’m sure it won’t come to that. Toadsworth is my godfather, and he…”
Peach trailed off as she vividly recalled being caned by Toadsworth, only the day before yesterday. Yes, only Toadsworth had been granted that parental duty by her father, but what if the Council of Elders insisted on it?
At that moment, the double doors cracked open, and Toadbert and Toadiko appeared, looking nervous.
Toadbert’s voice cracked. “You may now enter.”
Toadiko swallowed. “Princess Peach…Good luck!”
Steadying herself, Peach strolled into the hall, and was greeted by the familiar sight of her father’s throne room. But her father was no longer seated upon his throne. His crown and royal scepter had been placed upon a circular table, which seated the five extremely elderly-looking elders.
Though the circular table had no head nor foot, Toadsworth sat at the center of the group, signifying his role as the Head of the Council. Mario immediately recognized Peach’s old captain of the guard, the retired “Ex-Captain” Toadster, seated to Toadsworth’s left, and Professor Toadsky, seated further left. But Mario didn’t recognize the other two members of the council, both seated to Toadsworth’s right. He had a dim recollection of them both giving a long-winded speech when he and Luigi departed on the quest to recover the lost Crown of the First Queen of the Mushroom Kingdom.
Toadsworth smiled as Peach approached the round table. “Crown Princess Toadstool! Thank you for answering our…summons?”
Toadsworth paused as he noticed Mario marching to Peach’s side. She was so tall, and her dress so voluminous, it created the optical illusion that Mario had appeared from nowhere.
Peach caught Mario’s eye, silently mouthing his name, but when she saw the Council was watching them, she composed her posture and kept silent.
Professor Toadsky snorted. “Mario? So, you’ve decided to join us. Strange, I don’t recall Sir Mario being mentioned in the official summons.”
Mario narrowed his eyes. “I am here to help Peach…if she has any need of me.”
Toadsky leaned forward, resting his chin on his fist. “But this Council didn’t summon you.”
“Well, you didn’t not summon me, neither.”
The fattest of the elders, who wore huge, thick spectacles, looked like he was ready to choke. “Oh dear! This is highly irregular! I think we should put this matter to a vote. ”
Ex-Captain Toadster groaned. “Oh, by General George Washingtoad’s tri-cornered hat! Do we have to vote over every minor detail? Of course, Sir Mario is here. He was knighted by King Toadstool himself to protect Princess Peach! What could be more regular?”
The fat, wide-eyed Toad looked to the council member to his right. “Hmm, I think I need to have a vote to know how I feel about this. What do you say, Russ?”
Russ T., a shriveled raisin of a Toad who had apparently been napping, snapped awake and banged a gavel against the table. “Eh? What’s that, Muss? Oh, dash it all, guilty, I say! Guilty!”
Muss T., who was of course the fat Toad, shook his head so hard, his jowls flopped. “No, no! We haven’t gotten to that part yet, Russ! I need to know how I feel about Sir Mario barging into the Council meeting uninvited!”
Russ T. blinked, holding a trumpet to his ear with his other hand. “Ah? Oh yeah, sure, Muss. Well, in that case, I say we put it to a vote!”
Muss T’s hand shot up, looking like an especially fat, nervous school boy. “Oh, thank goodness! I second the motion! That means we’re going to have another vote! …Um, now how should I vote?”
Toadsworth face-palmed “Sigh…Motion to welcome Sir Mario, Champion of the Mushroom Kingdom, to the Council chamber, as Royal Bodyguard to Crown Princess Toadstool. All in favor–”
Russ T. slammed down his gavel, “Guilty!”
Muss T. bounced in his seat. “Hold on! Are we voting on whether we’re dismissing Sir Mario? …Or voting on how we feel about Mario being here?”
Ex-Captain Toadster double face-palmed. “Nay! Nay to the motion to dismiss Sir Mario!”
Toadsworth shook his head. “Point of order. We are voting to welcome Sir Mario, not dismiss him. All in favor, say ‘Aye.’”
Ex-Captain Toadster slammed his face against the table, twice, to emphasize his vote. “Aye! I vote aye!”
Toadsworth’s hand immediately shot up. “Aye!”
Professor Toadsky kept his hands neatly folded.
There was a long pause, and Muss T. glanced nervously around the table. “Russ, old bean, what do you think?”
Finally, Russ T. blinked, rubbed his eyes, and finally seemed to notice Mario. “Hmm? Oh, on voting to welcome Sir Mario? Aye, of course.”
Casually, Professor Toadsky raised a hand. “Aye!”
Muss T. exhaled. “Oh, my stars, what a relief. I vote aye!”
Toadsworth snapped his head up, looking relieved. “The ayes have it. Motion carried. Sir Mario, on behalf of the Council of Elders, I bid you welcome.”
Mario only nodded curtly, not betraying a hint of what he thought on his face.
Toadsworth turned his attention to Peach. “Crown Princess Toadstool, you have been summoned to this emergency meeting of the Council of Elders. Our purpose is to discuss the matter of Lord Bowser’s attempted escape. Are you willing to provide your testimony, as a witness of these events?”
Peach nodded. “I am.”
“Do you solemnly swear that you will tell the truth, the whole truth, and nothing but the truth?”
Peach held a hand over her heart. “I do.”
Toadsworth nodded, his mustache seeming to curl into a proud smile. After letting the moment hang, Toadsworth broke the long silence. “This morning, during your morning exercises, did Lord Bowser, King of the Koopas, cause the destruction of the Super Mario Maker, and the resulting property damage to Toad Town?”
“Yes, he did.”
Toadsky leaned forward, scowling. “Why was Lord Bowser out of his cell? Did he escape?”
Peach stiffened. “No, sir. I invited him to join us for Princess Academy exercises, as my royal guest.”
Toadsky narrowed his beady eyes. “And who authorized that decision?”
The door behind Peach and Mario burst open, and Captain Toad strode into the room, his cloak billowing behind him. “It was I! I authorized Bowser’s release!”
Toadette followed Captain Toad at a dignified but quick pace. Behind them, Toadbert and Toadiko peeped from behind the door, staring at Captain Toad in awe. “Woah, they could not have timed that better,” whispered Toadiko.
He marched to Peach’s other side, and saluted smartly. “Councilmen! Forgive my rudeness! Captain Toad, reporting to your summons, as ordered.”
Muss T. looked nervously at his notes. “Um…I thought we were planning to question Captain Toad after the bathroom break? I’m not sure how I feel about–”
Professor Toadsky raised a hand. “Motion to welcome both Captain Toad and Toadette as key witnesses.”
Ex-Captain Toadster shot up a hand. “I second the motion!”
Toadsworth spoke quickly, as if he’d practiced this routine a thousand times before. “All in favor of welcoming Captain Toad and Toadette, say ‘aye.’”
Toadsworth, Toadster, and Toadsky all shot their hands high in the air and spoke at once. “Aye!”
Toadsworth clapped the table. “The ayes have it. The Council recognizes and officially welcomes Captain Toad, Master-at-Arms, and Toadette, Royal Lady-in-Waiting, to this inquisition.”
Mario took a single step forward. “Inquisition is right. I know exactly what you duffs are trying to do. I’m not letting you pin this fiasco on Peach. She’s innocent!”
Looking grave, Toadsworth shook his head. “No, Mario. Princess Toadstool is not on trial. This is only a–”
Suddenly, Russ T. hammered his gavel against the table. “Guilty! Guilty I say!”
Muss T. waved a finger, with an air of gentle disapproval. “No, no, you’re a judge, Russ. You’re not supposed to determine guilt or innocence. You’re just supposed to pronounce the sentence.”
“Huh? Oh, thanks, Muss! In that case…Crown Princess Peach, I sentence you to receive…corporal punishment! Specifically, a spanking, right on your royal little tushie!”
As her most vivid imaginary nightmare started to play out in real life, Peach felt her head swimming.
Mario’s fingers twitched, and he looked like he was resisting the temptation to snatch the gavel out of the judge’s hand and knock a few council members over their heads with it.
But Toadsworth quickly stood up, “No, no, no! This is not your court room, Lord Russ! And this council has no authority to pass judgment on Crown Princess Peach.”
Ex-Captain Toadster nodded. “That’s right! Our Royal Mandate is to act as stewards of the throne, until the Crown Princess comes of age on her 21st birthday. Seems to me that whether or not Princess Peach deserves to get a spanking, right on her royal little tushie, that’s really a decision for her father, not the Council.”
Professor Toadsky leaned back in his chair, folding his hands pensively, as if he were in the middle of a classroom dialogue. “But is that really true, old chap? I seem to recall that, after the whole fiasco with Princess Peach escaping from her bed chamber, along with Princess Daisy, we unanimously agreed that she deserved to receive strict discipline.”
At the mention of the word “unanimous,” both Toadster and Toadsworth glanced briefly at Peach and Mario, looking slightly sheepish.
Toadsworth’s thick mustache bristled. “Perhaps you should reread the minutes from that meeting, Professor. The Council voted unanimously, recommending that the Crown Princess be disciplined for her breach of conduct. But I am Peach’s appointed godfather. If King Toadstool says his daughter needs a spanking, then I’ll give her one, right on her royal little tushie. But, by law, that decision is not up to the Council.”
In Peach’s heart, she felt like she could overhear an invisible version of herself cheering, “Yeah! You tell him, Toadsworth!” Then she heard another invisible version of herself huffing, “But did you really have to word it like that?”
Professor Toadsky shrugged. “I never claimed we had such authority. I’m only pointing out that, as King Toadstool’s chosen Regents to the Throne, we certainly have the right to offer council…”
Toadsky stared right at Peach, meeting her eyes. “...And my council is…that monster should never have been let out of his cell. And I don’t care that we’re pretending he’s a house guest, for political reasons. By acting alone, Princess Toadstool is fully responsible for all the destruction that was caused today.”
Captain Toad stamped his foot, still saluting. “Councilmen! Permission to speak freely, sirs!”
Muss T. drummed his fingers nervously. “Do we need to vote on that?”
Before Toadsworth could answer, Professor Toadsky sprang to his feet, knocking back his chair. “No we don’t! Because I already know exactly what the tin-toad soldier is going to say. It doesn’t matter that you authorized Bowser’s release, Captain Toad, because Princess Toadstool gave the release order, and she had no authority to do so…isn’t that right, Princess?”
Peach stood firm. “...I did not intend to overstep the council’s authority. My intention was–”
“I didn’t ask about your intentions. Did you give the order for Bowser’s release? Answer the question!”
Mario noticed Peach’s hand’s shivering, so slightly, that no one else saw it.
Peach answered with perfect calm in her voice. “Yes, I did.”
Ex-Captain Toadster sighed. “...Toadsky, I agree that we should have been informed. But it’s not fair to blame Peach for the danger caused by Bowser. It was his fault, not hers.”
Muss T. held up a finger. “I think you mean her fault, not his.”
Ex-Captain Toadster’s eyes blazed with cartoon fire. “I said what I meant, and I meant what I said!”
Muss T. started to shake, visibly. “But…Bowser’s a woman now? Isn’t he a she now? Oh dear, I think I need a vote to tell me what pronouns I should use!”
Mario and Captain Toad both started to argue with the Council of Elders, all at the same time, but Princess Peach raised her voice with such authority, she silenced them all. “Councilman Toadsky, you are absolutely correct. I accept full responsibility for my decision to let Bowser out of his cell, for the resulting damage, and for the danger to others caused by my decision. If the Council judges that I must make atonement…I will do whatever is necessary, and abide by the Council’s decision.”
At long last, Professor Toadsky seemed too surprised to speak, but not for long. “...And how do you intend to pay for all the damage? With a few coins from the public treasury?”
Peach’s chest seemed to swell. “No, with my private funds.”
Toadsky’s toothbrush mustache bristled. “You mean your allowance? That’s hardly enough to–”
Toadsworth stood, glaring at Toadsky. “Thank you, Princess Toadstool. Your willingness to accept responsibility speaks highly of you. I’d like to give you the opportunity to explain to the Council why you gave the order for Bowser’s release. What do you have to say for yourself?”
Toadsworth’s voice was stern and formal, but Peach heard the note of support hidden behind them, and relaxed slightly. “I believed that giving Bowser the opportunity to participate in the obstacle course run would force him to reveal whether he is hiding any of his true strength from us. Apart from changing Bowser’s….physical appearance….it seems that the Crown of Queen Toadstool possesses incredible magic, similar in nature to the Power-Ups. We discovered that Bowser can access this power, and wield it like a weapon. I fear our current security measures are woefully insufficient.”
With an undisguised look of paternal pride, Toadsworth tugged at the collar of his vest. “And what action do you recommend this Council take?”
“I propose that Bowser be kept under a constant watch, and that the Royal Toad Guard be supplied with additional Power-Ups. I also suggest having the iron bars for his cell door, and his window, reinforced…”
Peach watched all the council members nodding at her words, before she quickly added, “...And I propose that, should he…or rather, should she consent…Bowser should be allowed to participate in the Princess Academy Crash Course training regimen as a royal guest, along with Princess Daisy and myself.”
At this, Muss T. and Russ T. almost fell out of their chairs. Professor Toadsky did a double take. “And what would be the point in that?”
Peach pursed her lips in that disarming, charming way that only a proper princess could pull off. “Should the Koopa Kingdom send an ambassador, we can truthfully tell them that their…reigning monarch is being treated like a royal guest. And I might be able to glean more about the magical nature of the Crown of Queen Toadstool.”
Russ T. slammed his gavel down on the table. “And spank Bowser, if she misbehaves?”
Peach smiled even more sweetly. “Exaclty! Will the Council grant me permission to arrange these matters on their behalf?”
Toadsworth quickly glanced at the rest of the Council. “I move that we vote on each of Crown Princess Toadstool’s proposals in turn.”
Toadster quickly raised his hand. “I second the motion.”
Toadsworth nodded. “First proposal: to authorize a constant guard over Bowser, in and out of his cell, to authorize Power-Ups for the guard, and to reinforce his cell. All in favor? Say, ‘Aye!’”
All five of the councilmen’s hands shot up, even Muss T.’s. “Aye!”
Toadsworth quickly rattled through the procedure. “The ayes have it. Motion carried, unanimously. Second proposal, to authorize Princess Peach to involve Bowser in her Princess Academy training regimen, should Bowser consent to participate?”
Professor Toadsky held up a finger, with a suspicious look on his face. “Point of clarification. Are we authorizing Princess Peach to have acting authority over Bowser’s incarceration? To let that monster come and go from his prison cell, so he can attend delightful little tea parties?”
Toadster groaned. “C’mon, Professor! You know it’s a sound idea. You said yourself we need to send the Ambassador of the Turtle Tribe assurances that Bowser is being well cared for.”
“That doesn’t mean I want to cede our authority over a political prisoner to just anyone. Not even Captain Toad. The Council is ultimately responsible for keeping Bowser safe…and safely away from everyone else.”
Toadster rubbed his eyes, then suddenly a lightbulb appeared over his head, and he snapped his fingers. “Then let’s vote to grant me acting authority on the day-to-day matters of Bowser’s incarceration. I’ll personally oversee these Princess Lessons.”
“In addition to your teaching schedule?”
“Yes, yes! Anything to avoid having a filibuster every time the prisoner needs to powder his or her nose. Motion to appoint me as Council representative for matters concerning Lord Bowser’s prison arrangements?”
Toadsworth seconded the motion, and they all voted to approve Toadster as their representative. Professor Toadsky raised his hand, last of all.
With that matter cleared up, they finally voted to approve of Bowser being allowed to participate in the Princess Academy training regimen. Professor Toadsky groaned. “I suppose that because Bowser is a King…or Queen…he still has to be treated like royalty…hardly seems fair, does it?”
With the last words, Professor Toadsky glanced at Mario, as if the question was directed to him. Mario stiffened, as he realized that for once, he actually agreed with Professor Toadsky. But before Mario could answer, Toadsky quickly raised his hand. “Aye.”
The council voted unanimously, and approved the full proposal: Bowser, King of the Koopas, would officially be offered Princess Lessons.
Muss T. sighed, looking defeated. “It’s too bad, really. The only reason we voted to send Mario and Luigi questing after that Crown in the first place is it seemed so…traditional! What could be more fitting than to crown the next rightful monarch of the Mushroom Kingdom with the literal Crown of Queen Toadstool the First, in front of all the assembled nobility and royalty?”
Russ T. held up his gavel, quizzically. “A spanking? In front of all the assembled nobility and royalty?”
Muss T. nodded. “Well, that idea has merits too…Which reminds me, we never voted on whether Princess Toadstool needs a good spanking for causing all this trouble!”
Toadsworth whacked his cane against the table. “For the last time, I already spanked Peach, and quite soundly might I add, for sneaking out of her bedchamber, without permission!”
Muss T. shook his head. “Of course, but this spanking would be for sneaking Bowser out of his or her peison cell, without permission!”
With a smug look on his face, Professor Toadsky raised a hand. “I second the motion. All in favor of recommending that Princess Toadstool get a good, hard spanking, say ‘Aye!’”
Russ T. slammed his gavel against the table. “She’s guilty! Aye! Aye, I say! I hereby sentence Princess Toadstool to a public heinie whooping!”
Muss T. bounced in place. “Oh, I actually know how I feel about this one! I vote aye! It’s such a traditional punishment!”
Toadsworth spluttered, then stamped his feet. “Wah? N-n-nay! Of course, nay! This shouldn’t even be a voting matter for this Council!”
With a look of defeat, Toadster grumbled, “I vote nay.”
They all froze, and turned to look at Professor Toadsky.
Peach felt a shiver travel up her spine as she realized he held the final vote over the fate of her royal backside. Sure, Toadsworth could try to argue impropriety, but after Peach’s speech about accepting responsibility, she didn’t see how she’d be able to back out now. Mario clenched his gloved fists into two tight balls.
Professor Toadsky sat back in his chair, surveying the room, and finally nodded. “I vote nay. Personally, I find spanking to be a primitive,barbaric sort of punishment.”
Peach finally exhaled. Only then did she realize how long she’d been holding her breath. It was bad enough having her spankings discussed so openly in front of Mario. But at least she would be spared the humiliation of an actual public paddling, in front of Mario.
As the Council meeting concluded, Toadsworth limped toward them, supporting himself on his cane. “I’m…sorry you had to overhear all that. I should have stopped the bickering before the discussion went so….off topic.”
Peach held out a hand. “Think nothing of it, Toadsworth. I know I can rely on you.”
Toadsworth rubbed his eyes, and stumbled away. “I hope to be worthy of your confidence.”
To her surprise, Peach felt Mario squeezing her hand. His eyes seemed to silently say, “I’m sorry, you didn’t deserve that.”
Suddenly, Peach thought back to that fateful day on the Moon, when she’d casually brushed Mario aside, along with Bowser. She remembered the awkwardness when she’d later bumped into Mario again, while on her independent journey of self-discovery. The urgent desire to explain herself, that she’d only been angry at Bowser. How she could never be angry with Mario. But she was a Princess, and it was against a Princess’ code of conduct to be so blunt. And so, she had simply avoided broaching the topic…
And in that moment, for the first time, Peach hoped that Mario wouldn’t understand her private, unspoken answer. “No, Mario. I definitely deserve to be spanked. I deserve a long, hard spanking…right on my royal tushie.”
Peach opened her mouth, and only a soft gasp came out. It was so simple! All she had to do was bring up her rude behavior on the Moon. Apologize for how she had acted. But after all this time, would Mario even remember that brief, embarrassing interaction on the moon? It seemed like every time she tried to bring it up…something always interrupted her: a kidnapping, a royal intrigue, a dangerous adventure…
Professor Toadsky cleared his throat so loudly, it startled both Mario and Peach out of their reverie. Toadsky pulled out a pair of old-fashioned reading spectacles made of wire. “I hope there’s no hard feelings, Princess Toadstool. I do detest petty politics.”
Mario narrowed his eyes. “You seemed pretty eager to pin all the blame on Peach.”
Toadsky held up his hands. “Oh, that? Political theater, my boy.”
“Theater? For what audience?”
Toadsky nodded toward Russ T. and Muss T. “Oh, those stuffed shirts will never go along with anything if we don’t pretend to go round and round for a bit. The whole nonsense with sending you to recover the Crown was their idea in the first place, don’t you know? They only care about the past, really. What we really should be concentrating on is the future of Mushroom Land! Isn’t that right, Princess Toadstool?”
Peach affected a smile that would have fooled anyone, except Mario, who knew it was forced. Peach bowed. “Yes, Professor Toadsky. I appreciate having your perspective on the Council of Elders…speaking of the future, I was wondering if you could help me. The Royal Archives are conducting some delicate research, and I was hoping the Mushroom Kingdom University could loan us some equipment. An E-Gadd Industries X-ray Tomograph?”
Toadsky raised an eyebrow. “Doing a little family history project?”
Peach paused, as she considered what she could safely share. “We’re…hoping to learn more about what kind of magic the Crown has. For Bowser’s sake.”
Toadsky shrugged. “Hmm, I don’t see why not…Though really, now that we have Bowser under lock and key, I wouldn’t worry about his pretty little head too much. There’s not much more damage he can to do the people of Mushroom Land.”
Peach nodded. “I hope you are right.”
Professor Toadsky smiled, then winked. “Of course I am! And as for that tomograph, I think I can scrounge one up for you…We’ll just say you owe me one. Ta ta!”
Mario watched Toadsky as he left, his eyes like a hawk. Peach sighed. “Mario, are politics this difficult to endure in your world?”
Mario groaned. “I think politics probably suck in every single galaxy that exists. Why do you even put up with those old losers?”
Peach smiled, her face strangely stiff. “Now, Mario, I’m surprised at you. Haven’t I already explained what the key role of the Council of Elders is?”
Mario shrugged. “Yeah, to protect the throne, until you come of age. They’re just watching your kingdom for you for a bit.”
Peach shook her head, slowly. “No, Mario, it’s not my kingdom yet. My coming of age is only one requirement…For me to inherit my father’s kingdom, and hold reigning authority as Queen…The council must vote unanimously to grant me the throne.”
Mario blinked. “What? But why?”
Peach giggled, then turned to walk from the throne room. “Because I am a woman, of course.”
[End of Chapter II]
