[A mix of radio static and glitches followed by room ambi]
[Long Pause]
Perfect: [Annoyed but still confused] Where the fuck am I?
Buddy: A classroom. Don't worry, I'm not really here to teach you anything. You're already as good as you're ever going to be.
Perfect: Who the fuck are you?
Buddy: Call me Buddy. I'm God, but I'll understand if you don't want to agree with me.
Perfect: Well, I don't agree. Maximus is god.
Buddy: He is /a/ god, but I created him. He's actually under me.
Perfect: That's stupid. /You're/ stupid.
Buddy: Like I said, I'm fine if you don't agree. I actually like the Lust Bearers as they are. You are one of my favorites, Perfect Allure Bat.
[Pause]
Perfect: I'm listening.
Buddy: Regardless of what you want to believe, I created the multiverse that you and your perishing group of Lust Bearers are currently doing business. However, I have lately been sharing it with another God like me, whom I very lovingly call Nuke. I'm sure you've heard of him by now.
Perfect: I have.
Buddy: Okay, it's like this. Me and Nuke have been having an argument. We're not really angry at each other, but we've reached a sort of impasse. He wants to kill you, and I don't believe you have a right to die under the present circumstances.
Perfect: What do you mean he wants to /kill/ me? You said he was a God?
Buddy: Kill you in a way... like... as in killing off a character in a story. We're basically in charge of writing out your destiny. I usually don't like getting involved in things this deep, but I have allowed Nuke to fiddle around in my multiverse, and so he has certain rights to it. But this has really been bothering me. I don't really want to lose you, Perfect. I like you, and I also have some strong disagreements with the continuity when it comes to removing you from the multiverse at this particular moment in time.
Perfect: [Irritated] Look, I don't even know if you even are what you say you are... but I can tell that you are telling the truth about being on my side. Can't you just overrule Nuke? I mean... if you are actually the original Creator, you should have like... veto rights or something.
Buddy: Friendship sometimes means compromise. I'm not simply going to slap Nuke's hands away. I've allowed him in and now I need to find a way so that both of us can be satisfied.
Perfect: <Scoffs> Well, at this point, I'm probably better off running away.
Buddy: You won't be cognizant enough to do that once we part ways. If I just let you go, Nuke will simply write his script for how he kills you, likely using your own power against you, and then you're simply be gone. It may be a temporary thing, but I'll never be comfortable with it.
Perfect: [Angry] Then what the fuck are you gonna do about it?!
Buddy: Perfect, there's something you need to understand about your Creator. I have a pathological obsession with bats. I love them probably more than any animal species that exists. I know you naturally crave the attention of Maximus, but you should know just how dedicated I am to you for the reason I just gave you. I fucking love you, Perfect. Anything good that ever happens to you happens because I have this perfect obsession with what you are. I love your leafy little nose. I love your fangs. I love your wings. I love your obsession with control and I love /you./ I love you so much that I would let you, my own creation, hypnotize me and take control of your own God... but you probably shouldn't do that because I am actually here to give you a clever way out.
[Long Pause]
Perfect: Okay, I believe you.
Buddy: You do?
Perfect: Yeah. I still would rather serve Maximus, though.
Buddy: That's fine. I prefer that anyhow.
Perfect: Okay. [Pause] And the thought of controlling you did occur to me... but I want to see what your idea is first.
Buddy: As soon as I send you back to Hedon, you need to get very chummy with Lustful Ego Goat. When I say chummy, I mean you need to push him to the point that his circlet turns red. I want you to force him to use his powers on you.
[Long pause]
Perfect: That's it?
Buddy: That's all I can tell you. You're going to forget most everything else I'm telling you right now. Although I should say that the result of what I am asking you to do is likely going to make you slightly less powerful.
Perfect: By how much?
Buddy: That is hard to say. Possibly half or more. It depends on what happens. But the point is that you will survive, Nuke will be satisfied, and the integrity of my continuity will remain solid. Please trust me, Perfect. I am obsessed with you. I'm asking you to take advantage of that obsession for your own sake. Be selfish. Use me.
Perfect: On one condition.
Buddy: Name it.
Perfect: I want to see you again afterwards.
Buddy: <Giggles> I thought you might.
[Reversal of opening glitch and static. Sudden end.]
qsharpe
