Introducing Sonic & Friends - Elevenlabs voice over podcast [Warning! Offensive humour!]
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Sonic:
Ok, are we rolling? ...Okay.
Hey guys. Sonic here. And welcome to a brand new podcast we're going to be trying out in the near future called "Sonic and Friends".
This is where we talk off the cuff about things we wouldn't normally talk about at Sega.
From politics to the film industry. Gaming, socialism, woke culture, basically any topic we feel like discussing that we wouldn't normally discuss on camera, we'll be talking about it here.
It should be a fun ride so hopefully stick around for the podcast when it launches.
This podcast is more for adults than it is for kids so we'll be throwing a few curses here and there and will likely be taking about topics you wouldn't want your kids to hear so keep that in mind.
But with that said, here's a sneak preview of what to expect when the podcast launches.
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Sonic:
Ok, so, here's something that'll probably more than likely get us taken off the air before we even start this. "Offensive jokes guaranteed to piss off liberals."
I thought it would be fun if we each read off one of these and see how many we can get away with saying without getting canned.
Tails:
Sure, I'll bite.
Where'd you get these anyway?
Sonic:
Mostly off Reddit and Quora, though a few sites are still around that are dedicated to stuff like this.
I figured it could be a fun ice breaker, y'know? We pass these around and each read one off the list...
Knuckles:
Are there any racist jokes in there?
Sonic:
Almost all of them.
I went for the most offensive I could find out there though so there hopefully should be a few that raise an eyebrow or two.
Amy:
Are we gonna get taken off the air after this?
Sonic:
Nah, I'm sure it'll be fine. Here, I'll start us off...
Why doesn't Mexico have a Olympic team? ...Because everybody that can run, jump, and swim are already in the U.S.
Here Tails, you read the next one.
Tails:
How does a black girl tell if she is pregnant? When she pulls the tampon out all the cotton is picked.
Oh Sonic, what the hell!?
Sonic:
Trust me, they get better. Here, Knuckles. You read off the next one.
Knuckles:
How do you starve a black person? Put their food stamp card under their workboots!
Sonic, are these all like this?
Sonic:
Oh come on. We never get to do stuff like this at Sega.
Here, Aimes, you read the next one.
Amy:
Don't be racist; racism is a crime; and crime is for black people.
Fuck, Sonic!
Sonic:
Ok, trust me. It's not all black jokes. I promise. I made sure the list is diverse as possible.
The best ones I'm saving till last. Here, Doc. You wanna read the next one?
Eggman:
Alright, let's see now...
What happens if a Asian with an erection walks into a wall? He breaks his nose.
C'mon, Sonic. You're better than this...
Sonic:
Dude, trust me. Some of these are really funny.
Here, Cream, you read off the next one.
Cream:
Helen Keller walks into a bar... then a table, then a chair.
Really, Sonic...
Sonic:
Ok, not all of these are Zingers, I'll admit. It was like 3am when I was looking these up. Trust me though, some of these "Are" really funny.
Here, Vanilla, do you wanna do the next one?
Vanilla:
Sure, dear. Let's see now...
I was at my bank today waiting in a short line. There was just one lady in front of me, an Asian lady, who was trying to exchange yen for dollars. It was obvious she was a little irritated.
She asked the teller, "Why it change? Yesterday, I get two hunat dolla of yen. Today I only get hunat eighty? Why it change?" The teller shrugged his shoulders and said, "Fluctuations." The Asian lady says, "Fluc you white people too!"
Big:
Can I do one?
Sonic:
Sure, Big. Knock yourself out.
Big:
Ok, let's see now...
An old man takes his grandson fishing in a local pond one day. After 20 minutes of fishing, the old man fires up a cigar. The young boy asks, "Grandpa, can I have a cigar?"
The old man asks, "Son, can your dick touch your asshole?" The young boy says no. "Then you can't have a cigar."
Another 20 minutes passes and the old man opens a beer. The young boy asks, "Grandpa, can I have a beer?" The old man then asks, "Son, can your dick touch your asshole?" The young boy says no.
"Well, then you can't have a beer."
Another 20 minutes passes, and the young boy opens a bag of potato chips. The old man asks, "Son, can I have some of your chips?" The boy asks, "Well, Grandpa, can your dick touch your asshole?"
The old man says, "It sure can." The boy says, "Well good, then go fuck yourself, these are my chips."
Sonic:
See? I told you these were good, didn't I?
Big:
Not gonna lie, I actually liked that one.
Eggman:
Best one so far, for sure.
Eggman-Nega:
Here, let me take a crack at one of these...
Four gay guys are sitting in a Jacuzzi when all of a sudden, a condom starts floating. One of the gay guys turns around and asks, "Okay, who farted?"
Wait, is that it? I thought these would be longer.
Sonic:
Ehh, it's a little give and take with some of these. Here Shadow, why don't you try the next one?
Shadow:
Adam and Eve are wondering whether they are black or white. Eve says "why don't you go and ask God?" So Adam goes into the garden of Eden and shouts out to God "Are we black or white?"
A big booming voice bellows out "You are what you are!" Adam then immediately goes back to Eve and tells her that they are white. "How do you know?" asks Eve. "Because he said you are what you are" Adam replied.
"Why does that mean we are white?" asked Eve. "Because if we were black he would have said You is what you is."
[short pause]
Sonic:
Dude, I freaking love your face right now... You guy's can't see it but Shadow is giving me a look, it's just priceless...
Rouge, you wanna do the next one?
Rouge:
Well, go on then...
A man siting at a bar askes a pretty woman sitting next to him, "Excuse me miss, but can I smell your pussy?"
"Get away from me, you pervert!" She replied. "Oh, I'm sorry," exclaims the man, "It must be your feet."
Really, Sonic...
Sonic:
Ok, I'll admit, some of these are trash, but there are some really good ones in there, trust me.
Here Omega, you do one.
Omega:
What did the cannibal do after dumping his girlfriend? He wiped his bum.
[Awkward pause]
Sonic:
Ok, seriously. I am promising you, some of these are legit. Trust me, there's some bad ones in there but a lot of funny ones as well.
Omega:
You clearly confused a cannibal with a necrophiliac. A Cannibal would eat his girlfriend. A necrophiliac would have sex with a dead corpse. They are not the same.
Sonic:
You're right, my bad. Trust me, I didn't write these. Here Vector, you try one.
Vector:
Jill goes home one night with a guy she met at a club. He's tall, super hot, and seems different than most guys she meets.
They arrive at his place and head straight to his room. Jill can't help but notice a shelf full of teddy bears. On the bottom are small teddy bears, on the middle are medium sized teddy bears, and finally, on the top are large teddy bears, all lined up beside each other.
She begins to think that he is sentimental and sweet, and isn't afraid to show it. Her heart melts and she want to give him the best night of his life. She gives him a blow job, and lets him really give it to her, and even takes it in the rear!
In the morning, she slowly gets dressed, and smiles at him and asks, "How was that?". He nods and says, "Not too fucking bad at all. Help yourself to a prize on the second shelf!"
Sonic:
Soooo? What dyo think?
Vector:
It's not bad, though I've heard better. Espio, here, you read the next one.
Espio:
Alright... What do KFC and pussy have in common? Both are finger lickin' good and after you are done eating you have a box to put the bone in.
[Pause]
Here Charmy, you can have this.
Charmy:
Woo! Alright. So this dude comes home from work one day, and his wife is watching the Food Network. The husband asks, "Why do you watch that? You still cant cook," and the wife responds, "Why do you watch porn? You still cant fuck."
Vector:
Charmy!!!
Charmy:
What!? It's written down here.
Vector:
Give me that...
Sonic!!!
Sonic:
Oh come on. I really liked that one!
Amy:
Yeah I'm gonna get a beverage, you boys have fun with these...
Sonic:
Ok fine! Metal Sonic, you're voiced by Keith Szarabajka now. Wanna give one a go?
Metal:
Fine! What do you call a cow with no legs? ...Ground beef.
Ha-ha! very funny.
Sonic:
I actually forgot to take that one out. My bad...
Metal:
Good! Because I was laughing at you, not "with" you! ...Idiot!
Sonic:
Noted. Here Jet, why don't you give one a try?
Jet:
What is better than winning the gold medal at the Special Olympics? ...Having arms and legs.
Really, Sonic?
Wave:
Coming from you, that's something else, Sonic.
Sonic:
Wha-at? Dude, I told you these are "Offensive jokes", they're supposed to rattle a few cages!
Here, Storm you read one.
Storm:
There is a white boy, a Mexican boy, and a black boy who are all in the fifth grade. Who has the biggest dick? The black boy, because he's 18.
Pwahahahaha! I actually like that one!
Jet:
"You" Would!
Wave:
Here, let me give one of these a try...
In South Los Angeles, a fourplex was destroyed by fire. A Nigerian family of six con artists lived on the first floor, and all six died in the fire.
A black Islamic group of seven welfare cheaters, all illegally in the country from Kenya, lived on the second floor, and they, too, all perished in the fire.
Six Los Angeles gangbanger ex convicts lived on the third floor and they died as well. One white couple lived on the top floor. The couple survived the fire.
Jesse Jackson, John Burris, and Al Sharpton were furious. They flew to Los Angeles and met with the fire chief on television. They loudly demanded to know why the Nigerians, Muslims, and gangbangers all died in the fire, and only the white couple survived.
The fire chief said, "Don't get upset. The reason those fellow citizens survived was because they were at work."
Storm:
Ahahahaha!! These are great!!
Sonic:
Right?
Knuckles:
I'll admit, it's better than most of them.
Vanilla:
The poor dears...
Sonic:
Ok, Cubot. You're up next, buddy.
Cubot:
What is the difference between Jesus, and a picture of Jesus? You can hang the picture with just one nail.
Orbot:
Eeehh...
Cubot:
Here you give this one a try. I'm not laughing at most of these...
Sonic:
Oh come on, I stayed up all night collecting these!
Orbot:
What is the difference between acne and a Catholic priest? Acne usually comes on a boy's face after he turns 12.
...Really, Sonic?
Sonic:
Get it? Because Catholic priests usually love to cum on little boys...
Orbot:
I'll have you know that I happen to be Catholic, Sonic.
Sonic:
Really?? Oohhh, because I got a lot of Catholic priest ones in here...
Rouge:
Ah, you boys... seriously.
Shadow:
I'm actually with Rouge on this one. Catholic Priest jokes are the lowest of the low hanging fruit, Sonic.
Omega:
A necrophiliac would have sex with a dead body. A cannibal would eat a live body.
Your sense of humour is completely incorrect.
Sonic:
Ok, ok!!! I'll admit, for a first episode, it's a rough start. But I went through these and I promise some of them are good.
Here Zavok, you try the next one.
Zavok:
Hmm, very well... So there's a black guy, a white guy, and a Mexican. They find a genie's lamp. They rub the lamp, and poof appears the genie!
The genie immediately turns to the black guy and asks, "What is your one wish?" The black guy in response says, "I wish for me and all my people to be back in Africa, happy and everything."
So poof! His wish is granted. Then, the genie turns to the Mexican and asks, "What is your one wish?" The Mexican responds, "I wish for me and all my people to be in Mexico, happy and everything."
So poof! His wish is granted. Now, the genie turns to the white guy and asks, "What is your one wish?" and the white guy in response then asks, "You mean to tell me that all the black and Mexican people are finally out of America?"
"Yes." The genie replies, "Then I'll have a Coke." says the white guy in satisfaction.
Zazz:
Man, these are lame...
Here, let me give this list a try.
Michael Jackson has done something no one has ever done before. I'm not talking about his record sales or tickets sold. I'm talking about the fact he was born a black man, and then died a white woman. Incredible.
I... ugh. Is this the best you got, punk?
Zavok:
These are mediocre at best, Sonic!
Sonic:
Ok, ok! I admit, it was 3am, I was a little stoned. I thought these would be funny. Y'know? it's us guys, telling rude jokes to our fans.
I thought it would get a good laugh.
Tails:
You were high when you wrote these?
Sonic:
Not wrote, Tails. "Copy and pasted..."
Zomom:
Here, dammit. Let me give one of these a try.
A limbless man sat on the side of a lake everyday. He had no hands or legs. One day he was crying when a woman was walking by and saw that he was upset, so she asked if he was okay. He replied, "No."
The woman said, "Well, what's wrong?" The limbless man said, "I've never been hugged by anyone, ever." So the woman, out of kindness, hugged the man.
"Are you okay now?" she asked. "No," the man replied. So again the woman asked him what was wrong. He answered, "I've never been kissed before."
The woman eagerly gave him a peck on the lips and asked, "Are you okay now?" The man shook his head sadly. The woman asked him what was wrong for the third time. The man said, "I've never been fucked." The woman looked at him, picked him up, and then threw him in the lake, and says, "Now you are!"
Wait, that's it!?
Zavok:
Terrible.
Sonic:
Ugh, I'm totally regretting all of this...
Zeena? Do you want to...?
Zeena:
Pah. "Fine!"
A blind man walked into a fish market and said, "Hello ladies!"
[Pauses]
...Really?
Sonic:
Uugggghhhhh...
Zor:
The difference between like and love is spit and swallow.
...Lame.
Sonic:
Uuuggggghhhh!
Master Zik:
Why is a woman with no breasts a pirate's delight? Because she has a sunken chest.
Really young hedgehog, you disappoint me...
Sonic:
Uuuggggghhhh!!!
Blaze:
Fine! I'll see if I can salvage something from this list...
Here is a pick up line. "Hey girl, come sit on my lap and we could talk about the first thing that pops up."
Really, Sonic...
Sonic:
Uuugggghhhhhh...
Silver:
Here, let me try one...
There was this homeless drunk dude laying in an alley talking out loud saying, "I wish had another drink." He then passed out.
As he was saying that, a gay dude was walking by and heard him. When the gay guy came back, he fucked the homeless guy and put three dollars in his pocket.
The homeless dude woke up later and found the money, ran to the liquor store, and said, "Give me the cheapest half of pint you have," and went back to his spot, drunk it and passed out again.
The gay dude came back, fucked the homeless dude again, and left five dollars. The homeless guy then ran back to the liquor store after he awoke and said, "Give me the cheapest pint you have," and went back to his spot.
The gay dude came back again. Once he saw the homeless man passed out, he fucked him again and left eight dollars.
The homeless dude woke up and realized he had some more money. He ran back to the liquor store, and before he could say a word, the owner said, "I know, you want the cheapest pint you can get," and the homeless dude said, "No, give me the most expensive half you got. That cheap liquor is tearing my ass up."
[Long pause]
Omega:
Cannibals do not have sex with their victims!
Sonic:
Ahhhhghh...
Weresonic:
Ah for cryin out loud, let me take a shot at this!
There's a man walking a tight rope 60 feet above ground. There's another man getting a blow job from a 60 year old woman. What are they both thinking at the exact same time?
Don't look down, don't look down, don't look down, don't look down!
[Pause]
Sonic:
So... anything? Anything... at all?
Silver:
I mean... it's not... terrible?
Blaze:
If I was a drunk frat boy at a college party I'd probably find it funny.
Silver:
Like, really, really drunk. 50 beers in, drunk.
Blaze:
Oh, most definitely.
Sonic:
Gemerl?...
Gemerl:
...
[Long pause]
...Fine. I will read the next one, but only the next one...
A man recently had his arm amputated and decided to kill himself by jumping off a building. When he was ready to jump, he saw a man with both arms amputated dancing around. He decided to find out why he was so happy. The man told him, “I’m not dancing. My ass is itching and I can’t scratch it!”
...And that's the joke, apparently.
Sonic:
You guys are so humourless! Here. Let me do one.
Two Islamic terrorists walk into a bar. The bartender asks what they are talking about. The first terrorist says "We are going to kill 14 thousand people and a donkey." The bartender asks "Why a donkey?" The second terrorist responds "See, I told you no one would care about the 14 thousand people."
[Pause]
Sonic:
No... anything?
Big:
I didn't mind that one...
Eggman:
I've heard worst bar jokes.
Eggman-Nega:
Definitely worse...
Sonic:
Huhhhh... Alright. Here, Fang. You've been here for a while, wanna take a go on one of these?
Fang:
Well I've been sat here this whole entire time, bored out of my mind. You haven't even introduced me to the show or anything!
Sonic:
Oh sorry. This is more of just like an icebreaker episode. Guys. This is Fang the Sniper. You may remember him from some of the older games in the 90's.
Fang:
Don't forget I was in Sonic Superstars, ya damn mook...
Sonic:
Right. Sorry. Sonic Superstars. And he was in the 30th Anniversary IDW comics as well.
Fang:
Alright, whatever. Give me that!
This brother was banging his sister, and he says, "You fuck like Mom," and she laughs. He says, "What?" She says, "That's what Dad said."
Oh Brother...
Sonic:
No... nothing? Bean, do you wanna give one a try.
Bean:
Sure, let me see now... How do you turn a cat into a fish? Tell the woman not to wash down there.
Not gonna lie. I actually like that one.
Sonic:
Right? They're not all bad, trust me.
Here, Bark you try one!
Bark:
Alright, since I'm on here...
What do you do when an epileptic has a seizure in the bath tub? Throw in some laundry.
Really Sonic? I expected better than that shit from you...
Here, Ray. You take this.
Ray:
Right. Jesus Christ walks into a inn, hands the innkeeper three nails, and says, "Can you put me up for the night?"
That's it apparently...
Sonic:
Did you guys not have jokes growing up!? Are none of these seriously making you laugh?
Master Zik:
I'm from the nineteen twenties and we had better jokes than this.
So a n*gro walks into a bar...
Zavok:
Master, we talked about this...
Master Zik:
Hold on you fledglings. This is my favourite zinger.
Now then. A n*gro walks into a bar. He walks up to the bartender and asks if he can use the restroom. The bartender notices the n*gro has blood all over his hands and demands to know what's going on.
The n*gro then confesses that he just strangled and raped a woman and needs to wash the blood off before the cops arrive. Shocked at this. The bartender yells at him to get out of the bar and threatens to call the police himself.
But the n*gro then proclaims "But you don't understand. The woman I just murdered was my ex wife and she was trying to go Jewish."
The bartender then pauses. "Why the hell would a n*gro want to go Jewish?"
The n*gro then responds with "Why would I waste my time with another n*gro when there's so many unprotected Jewish women walking about?"
...Get it?
Zavok:
Really, master...
Zor:
That never stops being painful to sit through...
Zomon:
Yeah I'm not even black "or" Jewish and I find that offensive.
Zeena:
Totally.
Zazz:
You've really gotta lay off the racism, old man...
Master Zik:
Bah! You young whippersnappers really don't appreciate a good lark. You know back in my day people had a sence of humour...
Eggman:
Yeah I'm with Sonic on this. This whole entire episode is a bust...
Mighty:
Here, let me try one of these...
What do you call a cheap circumcision? ...A rip off.
Yep. No, I stand corrected. Here Mecha Knuckles. You give one a try.
Mecha Knuckles:
After being married for twenty years to his lover, a gay man dies. When the funeral arrangements have been set, the widower approaches the undertaker with a peculiar request,
"I know we had plans to cremate his body, but will you please chop him up and put him in a extra spicy curry instead?" The undertaker asks, "Why would you want that?" The gay widower replies, "So he will blow my ass out one more time."
[Pause]
Sonic:
Get it? Blow my... ah... forget it...
Marine:
Here, let me give one a try. Ever seen a blind man swim? He probably hasn't either.
...Meh.
Chip:
Let me try one...
Three ladies were on a flight, when suddenly the captain announced, "Please prepare for a crash landing."
The first lady puts on all her jewellery. Surprised by this, the other ladies questioned her actions. The first lady responds, "Well, when they come to rescue us they will see that I am rich, and will rescue me first."
The second lady, not wanting to be left behind, begins to take off her top and bra. "Why are you doing that?" the other ladies question. "Well, when they come to rescue us, they will see my great big tits and will take me first."
The third lady who was African, not wanting to be outdone, took off her pants and panties. "Why are you doing that?" the other ladies questioned. "Well, they always search for the black box first."
Ha-ha. ...I don't get it.
Here, Tikal.
Tikal:
Why is it that skinny men like fat women? Because they need warmth in winter and shade in summer.
Shade:
Let me try one.
Have you heard? Michael Jackson’s last wish was that his body be turned into Legos so little kids could play with him. It turns out this wish hadn’t been difficult to implement, as his body was already 99% plastic.
[Pause]
Lame...
Black Doom:
Give me the list!
A woman was at the local pharmacy and asked the pharmacist, “Can I get Viagra here?”
The old pharmacist replied, “Yes.” She asked, “Can I get it over the counter?” He responded, “If you give me two of them, you can.”
...Foolish hedgehog.
Sonic:
yeah... yeah... I get it. They're not funny. I was hoping at least a good few of them would raise a good laugh among us.
Eclipse the Darkling:
Allow me...
A child and a child molester walk into a forest together. The child turns to the molester and says, "Boy, these woods are scary." The molester says to the child, "You think you're scared? I have to walk out of here alone."
Hmph. Funny...
Here, Professor...
Gerald Robotnik:
What's black, white, and red all over? A nun on her period.
Oh, really.
Maria:
May I do one, Grandfather?
A man went to the All Stars game with two front row seat tickets. He sat down and then another man asked him if the other chair was taken. The man said " no, it was supposed to be for my wife."
The other man said " well where is she? And he said "she died two days ago" from a stroke.
The other man said "well that's unfortunate, I'm so sorry for you. But shouldn't you give this seat to another family members?" And the man said, "no they're all at the funeral".
Heh, funny...
Shadow:
Don't patronise him, Maria...
Honey:
Here, let me give one a try:
I was walking down the street and I punched a white guy. I was arrested for assault. The next day after I got out, I punched a black guy and I was arrested for impersonating a police officer.
Yeah, these really are lame...
Here Mr. President, you do one.
Mr President:
Very well, since I'm here... Have you heard about McDonald’s new Obama Value Meal? Order anything you like and the guy behind you has to pay for it.
Funny.
Madame Secretary, would you do the honours?
Madame Secretary:
Politicians and diapers have one thing in common: they should both be changed regularly... and for the same reason.
...I'm now questioning why I'm even here...
Sonic:
Look, I'm sorry. We kinda wanted to get everyone together for the intro episode. I planned this out to be this fun ice breaker rather than us just introducing ourselves but it's clearly not working...
GUN Commander:
Let me give one a try...
A little boy goes to his dad and asks, "What is politics?" The dad says, "Well son, let me try to explain it this way: I'm the breadwinner of the family, so let's call me capitalism. Your mother, she's the administrator of the money, so we'll call her the government.
We're here to take care of your needs, so we'll call you the people. The nanny, we'll consider her the working class. And your baby brother, we'll call him the future. Now, think about that and see if that makes sense."
The little boy goes off to bed thinking about what his dad had said. Later that night, he hears his baby brother crying, so he gets up to check on him. He finds that the baby has soiled his diaper. The little boy goes to his parents' room and finds his mother sound asleep.
Not wanting to wake her, he goes to the nanny's room. Finding the door locked, he peeks in the keyhole and sees his father in bed with the nanny. He gives up and goes back to bed.
The next morning, the little boy says to his father, "Dad, I think I understand the concept of politics now." The father says, "Good son, tell me in your own words what you think politics is all about."
The little boy replies, "Well, while capitalism is screwing the working class, the government is sound asleep, the people are being ignored and the future is in deep shit."
Hey. I actually liked that one.
Congratulations. You've finally after 6 years made something people enjoy.
Eggman:
Pwa-hahahahaha!!! See now "that's" good comedy right there! Hey, why don't we spend the rest of the podcast just roasting Sonic instead?
Sonic:
Y'know if the producers had let me I would have brought some weed into the studio, maybe then we could of mellowed out a little bit and actually laugh at some of these jokes.
Tails:
In front of the President, Sonic? Really?
Mr. President:
Don't worry. I've not met a single politician who hasn't smoked at least one doobie in his life.
Amy:
Really Mr. President!? You!?
Mr President:
I used to smoke weed all the time in college. You know how hard it is to pass those bar exams?
Princess Elise:
Hey, sorry I don't mean to be rude. Is it ok if I use the bathroom? I didn't know how long this was going to be going on for.
Sonic:
Oh, sure Princess. Hey do you wanna read one of these before you go?
Princess Elise:
When asked if they would have sex with Bill Clinton, 86% of women in D.C. said, "Not again."
Cute.
Professor Pickle:
Oh-ho-ho. Let me try one of these. I'm actually finding some of these quite funny.
Three contractors are bidding to fix a broken fence at the White House. One is from Chicago, another is from Tennessee, and the third is from Minnesota.
All three go with a White House official to examine the fence. The Minnesota contractor takes out a tape measure and does some measuring, then works some figures with a pencil. "Well," he says, "I figure the job will run about $900.
$400 for materials, $400 for my crew, and $100 profit for me." The Tennessee contractor also does some measuring and figuring, then says, "I can do this job for $700. $300 for materials, $300 for my crew, and $100 profit for me."
The Chicago contractor doesn't measure or figure, but leans over to the White House official and whispers, "$2,700." The official, incredulous, says, "You didn't even measure like the other guys! How did you come up with such a high figure?"
The Chicago contractor whispers back, "$1000 for me, $1000 for you, and we hire the guy from Tennessee to fix the fence." "Done!" replies the government official. And that, my friends, is how the new stimulus plan will work.
Oh-ho-ho-ho. Bravo. That was a good one.
Sonic:
Thanks professor. See? Someone here is at least having a good time.
Tails:
Yeah... I guess?
Sonic:
Here Madonna, why don't you give one a try?
Madonna:
What do you get when you cross a corrupt lawyer with a crooked politician? Chelsea Clinton...
[Pause]
I mean... gee, we haven't spoken at all in 30 years Sonic. You wanted me on here just to read that out?
Sonic:
No I... Look, I'm sorry. I didn't mean anything by it. I just thought today could be a fun ice breaker episode. Get the whole gang back together, y'know?
Here. Mephiles. Do you wanna take a crack at this?
Mephiles:
It was either this or die of boredom!
Let's see... Did you hear about Monica Lewinsky becoming a Republican? The Democrats left a bad taste in her mouth.
Oh brother...
Infinite:
Allow me. After numerous rounds of, "We don't know if Osama is still alive," Osama himself decided to send Ted Kennedy a letter in his own handwriting to let him know he was still in the game.
Kennedy opened the letter which appeared to contain a single line of coded message, 370HSSV-0773H. Kennedy was baffled, so he e-mailed it to John Kerry. Kerry and his aides had no clue either, so they sent it to the FBI.
No one could solve it at the FBI, so it went to the CIA, then to the NSA.
With no clue as to its meaning, the FBI finally asked Marine Corps Intelligence for help. Within a few seconds the Marine Corps cabled back with this reply, "Tell Kennedy he's holding the message upside down."
Which reads... Hello Asshole.
Sonic:
Hey you weren't supposed to say it!
Infinite:
Then why give it to me?
Captain Whisker:
Avast! Give me the letter. I want to do one!
Monica Lewinsky walks into the dry cleaners. The old man behind the counter is hard of hearing and doesn't understand her request, so he says, "Come again." Monica responds, "No, this time it's mustard."
Oh-ho-ho! I do like that one!
Here, ye scwarb, you be readin the next one. Arr!
Johnny:
Alright, let's see what we're workin with here...
Bill Clinton and the Pope both died on the same day. Due to a minor clerical error, the Pope went to Hell, while Clinton went to Heaven.
When the Pope arrived in Hell, everyone realized the mistake.
Due to an issue with the union, they couldn't swap the two until the next day, and the Pope had to spend the night in Hell, while Clinton spent the night in Heaven. The next day the paperwork got worked out.
On his way up to Heaven, the Pope ran into Clinton. Clinton asked the Pope, "How was your night in Hell?"
"Very educational," responded the Pope. "I've learned a lot from the experience, but now I'm glad I'm going to Heaven. I've been waiting all my life to meet the Virgin Mary."
"Ooh, sorry," said Clinton, "you should have been there yesterday."
Not bad... Not too bad.
Dodon Pa:
May I be reading a few of these?
Sonic:
Knock yourself out!
Dodon Pa:
What's the difference between 9-11 and a cow?
You can't milk a cow for over 10 years.
Oh for fucks sake...
Heavy King:
Two kids are in a playground taking to one another. "Hey, I bet you're still a virgin." says the first kid.
"Yeah, I was a virgin until last night." says the other.
"As if." says the first kid. "Yeah, just ask your sister." responds the second.
"I don't have a sister." The first kid proclaims. "You will in about nine months."
Cute...
Sonic:
You guys are so humourless! Here, Chris. You try one.
Chris Thorndyke:
Sure, Sonic. A boy says to a girl, "So, sex at my place?" "Yeah!" responds the boy.
"Okay, but I sleep in a bunk bed with my younger brother, and he thinks we're making sandwiches, so we have to have a code. Cheese means faster and tomato means harder, okay?"
Later on the girl is yelling, "Cheese cheese, tomato tomato!" The younger brother says, "Stop making sandwiches! You're getting mayo all over my bed!"
Ha-ha!
Sonic:
See! Someone gets it.
Knuckles:
What? Oh no, I was busy reading texts off my phone. What were you saying?
Sonic:
Never mind. Sticks?
Amy:
I'm actually going to use the restroom real quick.
Sticks:
Ok, gimme that. Let's see now... A few months after his parents were divorced, little Johnny passed by his mom's bedroom and saw her rubbing her body and moaning, "I need a man, I need a man!"
Over the next couple of months, he saw her doing this several times.
One day, he came home from school and heard her moaning. When he peeked into her bedroom, he saw a man on top of her. Little Johnny ran into his room, took off his clothes, threw himself on his bed, started stroking himself, and moaning, "Ohh, I need a bike! I need a bike!"
That's not bad actually. I like that one.
Zavok:
It's better than Master Zik's humour any day.
Master Zik:
I'll have you whippersnappers know the guys at my squash club loved my zingers back in the day.
There is no such thing as a bad n*gro joke!
Zavok:
Sure, master... Whatever you say...
Fastidious Beaver:
May I be reading the next one?
At school, Little Johnny's classmate tells him that most adults are hiding at least one dark secret, so it's very easy to blackmail them by saying, "I know the whole truth."
Little Johnny decides to go home and try it out. Johnny's mother greets him at home, and he tells her, "I know the whole truth." His mother quickly hands him 20 dollars and says, "Just don't tell your father."
Quite pleased, the boy waits for his father to get home from work, and greets him with, "I know the whole truth." The father promptly hands him 40 dollars and says, "Please don't say a word to your mother."
Very pleased, the boy is on his way to school the next day when he sees the mailman at his front door. The boy greets him by saying, "I know the whole truth." The mailman immediately drops the mail, opens his arms, and says, "Then come give your Daddy a great big hug!"
Comedy Chimp:
Hey that's not bad. Mind if I steal that one for my next snow?
Fastidious Beaver:
Steal the whole list if you want...
Comedy Chimp:
Sure, let me take a crack at one of these. Let's see now... Ahh, here's a good one!
A lady goes to the doctor and complains that her husband is losing interest in sex. The doctor gives her a pill, but warns her that it's still experimental.
He tells her to slip it into his mashed potatoes at dinner, so that night, she does just that. About a week later, she’s back at the doctor, where she says, "Doc, the pill worked great! I put it in the potatoes like you said!
It wasn't five minutes later that he jumped up, raked all the food and dishes onto the floor, grabbed me, ripped all my clothes off, and ravaged me right there on the table!"
The doctor says, "I’m sorry, we didn’t realize the pill was that strong! The foundation will be glad to pay for any damages."
"Nah," she says, "that's okay. We're never going back to that restaurant anyway."
Ho-Ho! "Zing!"
Lady Walrus:
Let me give one of these a try...
Let's see now... why does Hellen Keller masturbate with only one hand? ...She moans with the other.
Oh, "my!"
Comedy Chimp:
Ha-ha! I am "So" loving these!
Dave the intern:
Here, let me try one... Why can’t an orphan be gay? ...Because they don’t have anyone to call daddy...
Ohh, that takes me back to when I was in high school. It was my 5th grade teacher. Every day he would make me stay behind to dust his whiteboard, but really he just wanted to...
Comedy Chimp:
Yeah, we're losing the flow here, son. Hey! Do you wanna take a crack at one of these?
Perci:
Sure, I'll try it. Why were the twin towers mad during 9-11? They ordered pepperoni pizza but they got plane.
Oooohhh.
Comedy Chimp:
Yeah, too soon, Sonic. Too soon.
Sonic:
Dude, half our audience weren't even born when that event happened!!
Perci:
So what, you're gonna make fun of the Boston marathon bombings next?
Sonic:
Err.... I... Err... Can't remember if I took those jokes out or not.
Amy:
Really Sonic? "Really?"
Sonic:
Look. The episode was supposed to be about offensive jokes that would piss off and annoy liberals. I thought it would be something we could all laugh about together.
Do you agree, little me?
Classic Sonic:
The only thing everyone in this room can agree on, is that I'm still carrying this franchise, bud.
Classic Tails:
Sure said it, Sonic!
Classic Sonic:
Way past, little man!
Tails:
Wait, you invited Classic Sonic to the podcast as well?
Sonic:
Well, I mean... yeah?
Classic Sonic:
Nobody can say no to this way past cool hedgehog. Right little bud?
Classic Tails:
You bet, Sonic!
Eggman:
I forgot how irritating your older counterpart was, Sonic.
Tails:
Yeah, I forgot how much ass I used to suck up to back then as well...
Classic Sonic:
The only thing you guys'll be sucking is my dust, slow-mo's!
Tails:
I'll pass, thanks.
Classic Tails:
No one can run faster than you, huh Sonic?
Classic Sonic:
Sure as, lil' bud. Sure as.
Tails:
Sonic. Are those two...?
Sonic:
I try not to think about it. Here Classic... Sonic?
Try reading one of these for the audience.
Classic Sonic:
There is a Mexican and a black man in a car, who is driving the car? ...The police.
Way Uncool.
Classic Tails:
Let me try one, Sonic. What’s the difference between a pregnant woman and a lightbulb? ...You can unscrew a light bulb.
Classic Sonic:
Hey! What's the big idea getting us to read these lame jokes, anyway?
Dr. Robotnik:
You "Snivelling Spiny Pin Cushion!" You couldn't read a single funny line off a scrrript if your entire cartoon career depended on it!
Classic Sonic:
Doctor Ro-botnik!
Eggman:
Oh Great! Are there just gonna be "FOUR" Dr. Eggman's on this weird podcast thing we're doing now? What? is Jim Cummings going to show up next to chew the scenery?
Sonic:
Actually we couldn't get Jim Cummings. We tried but he was busy doing stuff for Disney...
Dr. Robotnik:
Who cares about that miserable doppelganger. Everyone knows I'm the best version of you there is, you dim whitted bone head!
Eggman:
Oh really? Have you ever invented a Death Egg Satellite Doomsday weapon? Or an entire fleet of flying warships? An entire amusement park in outer space that's secretly built to harness energy from an entire race of helpless, unsuspecting aliens?
Dr. Robotnik:
I single handily made this entire franchise funny, and don't you forget it!
Knuckles:
He has a point.
Dr. Robotnik:
Of course I have a point you snivelling simpleton! Who cares about enslaving an entire race of worthless alien creatures when I can brainwash the entire planet by saying thrree simple words!
Eggman:
Let me guess... "Snooping as usual?"
Dr. Robotnik:
Exactly! Now I'm going to make this worthless podcast funny as well, and then I'm going to have Scratch and grounder steal something from that vending machine over there while you're all completely distracted.
Eggman-Nega:
I actually like this guy. He reminds me of my saturday morning counterpart from the Sol Dimension.
Captain Whisker:
Arr. I like the cut of this guys jib. Have at ye, lad!
Dr. Robotnik:
What do you call a black man with a PhD, MD, who cured cancer, solved world hunger, and negotiated world peace? A Ni...[BLEEP]
Wave:
Woah! Not cool, man!
Blaze:
Honestly!
Silver:
Seriously! Enough using that word already!
Knuckles:
Not cool, you guys. Seriously.
Mr President:
You folks sicken me. We're leaving.
Eggman:
Pfft. And you said you were going to make this podcast funny.
Dr. Robotnik:
Don't blame me! It's that snivelling spiny blue rodent who wrote this wretched material!
Classic Sonic:
Woah, don't look at me Egg Meister. Older me is the one who wrote this episode.
Dr. Robotnik:
All of you worthless hedgehogs annoy me! And you're always wasting my valuable time which I could be using to do rotten, memeable things.
Scratch! Grrrounder! Have you cracked open that vending machine, yet?
Grounder:
Almost got it, you're supreme rottenness, sir!
Scratch:
I think it only takes quarters...
Grounder:
Well hurry up, scratch. My arms are both stuck!
Dr. Robotnik:
You "Piston Brrains!" Can't I trust you worthless dimbots to do "Anything right?"
[Pause]
Sonic:
Well, looks like they've just walked out of the studio. Any takers for the next one.
Coconuts:
Ooh! Me Next! Me Next! Yeah yeah yeah. Hoo-hoo-hoo!
I finally get a shot at something interesting.
Why are school shooting jokes funny? Because their aimed toward a ...younger audience.
[Awkward pause]
Zazz:
Hoo-Hoo! I "Like" That one!
Sonic:
Glad someone does.
How about you Breezie? Wanna take a crack at one of these?
Breezie:
You know I do have an entire casino franchise I should be running right now, Sonic Sweetie. But I guess I owe you one so here goes...
My girlfriend tried to break up with me the other day, she says "I can't see you anymore, my best friend told me you're a pedophile".
I told her, "Wow, that's a pretty big word for a five year old".
[Awkward pause]
And now I regret coming here...
Sonic:
Heh, sorry Breezie. But hey, thanks for coming on anyway.
Breezie:
Sure Sonic... Sure...
Sonic:
Oh! Our next guest just arrived. Guys, I want to introduce you all to someone you haven't seen in a very long time, please give a warm welcome to Tekno the Canary!
Tekno:
Hey guys! Long time no see.
Amy:
Oh my Gosh! Tekno! It's been so long! I haven't seen you since we did Fleetway together! How are you!?
Tekno:
I'm good Amy. I've actually been teaching code to MIT students in London.
Amy:
That is so cool! Oh My God, we have "So" much catching up to do!
Tekno:
Totally!
Eggman:
I'm sorry, who's this now?
Tails:
Tekno! It's been so long!
Tekno:
Tails! Oh my Gosh! You've grown so much! And Knuckles too! Hey!
Knuckles:
Hey there, how you doing?
Tekno:
I've brought a few friends with me. The old gang couldn't make it but they send their regards.
Ebony is outside looking for a parking space.
Amy:
Oh My God! Ebony! I love her!!
Tekno:
I know right!
Amy:
Is she still with...
Tekno:
She is! But Pyjamas couldn't make it.
Eggman-Nega:
I'm confused. Who are all these people?
Eggman:
I have absolutely no idea... Hey! What are we even taking about right now, anyway?
Sonic:
Oh sorry. Guys, we're going to take a quick break while we set things up for our next guests. Feel free to tune back in about 30 minutes, ok?
Knuckles:
Wait. We're streaming this?
Sonic:
Yeah, didn't I say?
Tails:
No. You never mentioned this was a livestream.
Sonic:
Oh sorry, I could've sworn I mentioned that at the start. Anyway, don't go anywhere...
[Fades to black then comes back again]
Sonic:
And we're back. Sorry for that quick recess everybody. I've ordered Pizza for everyone and there's enough drinks and snacks to go around.
So we have new guests joining us now from both Archie and Fleetway with the IDW cast on the way later on.
Guys, today we're just doing an ice breaker episode where we just go around reading offensive jokes we found online. I hand you the list and you just pick one and read it out.
Tails:
So far they've all been just terrible.
Sonic:
Tails? A little support, buddy?
Tails:
I mean... Zazz liked the one about the school shooting I guess?
Sonic:
Ok... Tekno, why don't you go first?
Tekno:
Sure. Lets see... How does an Isis terrorist practice safe sex? ...He marks the camels that kick.
Huh...
Sonic:
Ok. Now we pass it over to Ebony. Ebony, do you want to read one?
Ebony:
I'd be honoured.
How many cops does it take to push a black guy down a flight of stairs? ...None. He fell.
Good lord!
Sonic:
Ok, how about you ...Fleetway Super Sonic?
Fleetway Super Sonic:
Give me that list you fool! Grrr!
What do they call an Isis terrorist who owns both a camel and a goat? ...Bisexual.
[Pause]
You brought me all the way over here from Fleetway Mobius just for that!? I ought to kill you where you stand, spike-ball!
Eggman:
Please, put this entire podcast out of it's misery...
Sonic:
Ok, look. Sorry. This show really isn't going the way I'd hoped. But we have the Archie guys over here. You guys all love Archie. Say Hi everyone!
Sally:
Sonic. It's "So" Good to see you again! "Uuuhhhh"! It's been so long since Archie ended and IDW took over.
Sonic:
We've all missed you too, Sal. Here. Wanna read one of these jokes?
Sally:
Sure! How does every racist joke start? ...by looking over your shoulder...
Huh?
Sonic:
Well?
Sally:
Yeah... I... think I'm going to go back to the Archie universe now.
Bunny:
Oh Sally Girl they surely can't all be that bad. Here, let me read one of sugar-hogs jokes.
Let's see now... What’s the difference between ET and an illegal immigrant? ET learned to speak English and wanted to go home.
[Awkward pause]
Sonic:
Ehh?
Bunny:
...Yeah, actually I think ah'm gonna join you, Sal.
Antoine:
Oh come on now Bunny, Surely they are not all being as bad as you are saying?
Moi, ere let me have a look at zis paper.
What has gotten 5 arms, 3 legs and 2 feet? Ze finish line at ze ...Boston Marathon.
[Awkward silence]
Amy:
You "Did" make jokes about the Boston Marathon! So-Nic!!
Sonic:
Look, I forgot I put those in there, I swear!!
Knuckles:
Not cool, Sonic... Not cool...
Antoine:
Hoi, come on Bunnie... let us be leaving this tar-ible place.
Sally:
Yeah, nice seeing you again, Sonic.
Bunny:
Bye Suga-hog!
Sonic:
Yeah, bye...
Well this was a total bust. Rotor! We haven't seen you in a while. You wanna take a crack at one of these jokes?
Rotor:
Sure sonic. How did Rihanna find out Chris Brown was cheating on her? She found another woman’s lipstick on his knuckles.
Jeez Sonic!
Sonic:
Rotor, I'm sorry!!
Rotor:
Hey Sal, wait up!...
Sonic:
Ugh. There goes the freedom fighters ladies and gentlemen. Yay...
Chuck:
Geez Sonic, have you never hosted a podcast before? Here let me take a crack at this.
In a bar in Berlin, late ‘30’s, before the war broke out, there sat Adolf Hitler at a table arguing with Rudolph Hess.
Goebbels was at another table with Bormann. Hermann Goering was up at the bar shooting shots of schnapps.
In walks an American reporter, recognizes Goering at the bar, strolls on up to him and introduces himself. He explains that he’s doing an article on the Nazi’s plans and goals for Germany and asks Goering if he could maybe enlighten him.
Goering, half-drunk, says he would be delighted.
“Vee plan on killink six million Jews und von postman!” The reporter says, “Why one postman?”
Goering lets out a belly laugh, turns toward Hitler, and yells, “See Adolf! I told you zay don’t give a fuck about ze Jews!”
...Real classy, sonny.
Sonic:
Dude. The whole topic is about offensive jokes. You gotta admit, they do have a zing, don't they?
Chuck
Not the word I would use for it, Sonic...
Nicole:
May I give one a try?
Sonic:
Sure Nicole, Knock yourself out!
Nicole:
What’s the worst thing about breaking up with a Japanese girl? ...You have to drop the bomb twice before she gets the message.
[Pause]
Not cool. Sonic.
Sonic:
Aaaaaand with that, she's gone.
Great! This show's going great!
Snively:
Miserable hedgehog... 30 years of fighting Robotnik yet you can't even keep a single minute of your own show from falling apart?
Sonic:
Ughhh... Snervly...
Snively:
It's Snively...
Eggman:
Hey I remember you. You're that weaselly little sidekick who hangs around Jim Cummings Robotnik all the time.
Snively:
I was your nephew and loyal henchman for decades, Julian!
Eggman:
I don't remember you ever being my lackey. I had Starline for that! ...until he betrayed me that is.
Cubot:
I think he means in the comics. Y'know the one Ken Penders ruined.
Orbot:
The Ian Flynn Archie Comics.
Eggman:
I never read Archie. I mean IDW is clearly better, why settle for anything less?
Snively:
We were in publication for nearly 25 years!
Eggman:
Well you're not anymore. It clearly all meant for nothing!
Snively:
Don't come crying to me when IDW stops bankrolling you, Julian...
Eggman:
That's Dr. Ivo Robotnik to you, you little...
Sonic:
Woah! Guys! Come on! We got a lot of guests waiting to get their say here!
Snively:
Hurr, fine! Give "Me" that!
Let's see... What’s black and at the top of the staircase? ...Steven Hawkins after a housefire.
Oh, really, hedgehog!
Sonic:
I mean... yeah... I got nothing...
Snively:
I had to take an Uber to get here. Thanks for nothing...
Eggman:
Go back to heeling at your master, lap dog!
Snively:
Up yours! Ivo! [Have volume at 40% so it sounds like he's far away]
Scourge:
You guys are pathetic losers!
Sonic:
Scourge... You're here.
Scourge:
Yeah, you asked me to come on because your show needed the ratings. Clearly it needs a better host as well!
Sonic:
You wanna read one of these jokes?
Scourge:
Gimme that!!
What’s the difference between 6 million dollars and 6 million Jews? ...I give a shit when I lose 6 million dollars.
Lame!
Miles:
This is utterly beneath my time in every possible way, but since you insisted on dragging me all the way over here I may as well read one of your worthless jokes.
Let's see... Who are the fastest readers? The victims of 9-11. They went through over a hundred stories in less than a minute.
[Pause]
Sonic:
You're right... I suck...
Let me have it...
Scourge:
Eat - Shit!!
Miles:
I'm leaving. Have fun with your pathetic podcast...
Scourge:
Fiona! You coming?
Fiona:
Yeah, I'm not even going to waste my time reading your dumb jokes. Was fun seeing you again, Sonic Sweetie.
Sonic:
Bye...
Tails:
Did we really need those guys on here?
Sonic:
Honestly, it was the producer who forced them on me. Scourge is popular for some reason.
Tails:
I mean... he's literally a green recolour of you...
Sonic:
Yeah, hey speaking of which. Sorry we kept you waiting Lien-Da. Do you wanna read one of these off?
Lien-Da:
Huh, it's whatever. It's not like I'm doing much since Ken abandoned his weird furry project.
Tails:
Oh yeah I forgot about that. Didn't Ken Penders go through literal court case hell just to get the rights to Lara-Su only to make a comic he abandoned shortly afterwards?
Knuckles:
Ugh. I "hate" that guy! He keeps sending me nudes!
[Awkward pause]
Amy:
He what...!?
Knuckles:
Yeah every week. I log into my Email and I'm seeing Ken Penders showing off his fat gut while winking at me, telling me "I'm in his dreams".
Tails:
Why don't you block him?
Knuckles:
Because he keeps making new Email accounts every time I do, that's why.
Lien-da:
You guys are lucky. He at least "Only" emails you. The minute that asshole got my phone number the creepy voice mails never stopped. Here, I even have one recent I can share with you guys.
Ken Penders:
Haha! Oh baby, you make me so moist. just thinking about you and the echidna tribe makes me feel, oh just so golly! I can't wait to sue Sega to get you back in my life again baby. Oh boy! We're gonna have so much fun together, you, me and Lara-Su.
I'll even get Geoffery St. John involved if that's what you want? Haha! Golly!
Tails:
Jesus...
Sonic:
What is "with" that guy?
Lien-da:
And here's another...
Ken Penders:
Haha! Oh golly this does not even deserve a captains log introduction. Y'know when we meet, me and my mother can come pick you up at the airport.
Oh boy! We're going to have so much fun together you and I when we are together!
I'm also looking forward to the eventuality of the two of us doing our "sex time" together, Lien-da.
I'll uhh, do my best to please you and give you so much satisfaction, Lien-da, and we can share it all in our tongues like tongue sharing moments! Haha! Golly!
Amy:
That guy, seriously needs to be on a watchlist...
Vector:
I'll say!
Lien-da:
I fucking hate that asshole! Anyway, let me read one of these stupid jokes then I'm out of here...
What's the difference between Paul Walker and a computer? I give a fuck when my computer crashes.
Cute.
Anyway, I'm going. Peace out.
Sonic:
Thanks Lien-da. And good luck dealing with Penders. Here's hoping IDW doesn't ever have to...
Next up we have Doctor Finitevus. Thanks for coming on the show, doc.
Finitevus:
A pleasure...
Sonic:
So basically what we're doing here, rather than introducing ourselves formally, which we're saving for the actual show when it airs. We're just telling offensive jokes off of the internet. Lighten the mood a little.
Finitevus:
Very well... What do you call a five year old with no friends? A Sandy Hook survivor.
[Pause]
You call these jokes?
Sonic:
So far, no one is finding them funny.
Tails:
Yeah, they're really not...
Sonic:
Huuurrr... I'm in way over my head with this...
Mammoth Mogul. Thanks for coming on.
Mogul:
Thank you for having me. It's been too long.
Sonic:
It definitely has. Y'know. Not enough people really got to see you during the Archie comic days. You were really were an underutilised villain in the series.
Mogul:
Boy, tell me about it...
So what are we doing here, just telling jokes?
Sonic:
Yep. We have a list of 150 offensive jokes guaranteed to piss off liberals. We're just reading them off one by one for fun.
Mogul:
I hate Liberals. I always vote Republican.
Tails:
Wait. There's 150 of these!?
Knuckles:
Not cool, sonic!
Sonic:
We're almost through these, trust me...
Mogul:
Jesus Christ fed 2,000 people with 5 loaves of bread and 2 fish, but Adolf Hitler made 6 million Jews toast.
Real Classy.
Sonic:
Yeah, I'm not having any luck with these to be honest...
Mogul:
I can see why.
Sonic:
Zonic the Zone Cop... are you interested in giving these a shot?
Zonic:
I'd be delighted.
Why do Mexicans never have Sex Ed. and Driver's Ed. on the same day? They have to give the donkey a break at some point.
Hmm... very amusing.
Rob'O the Hedge:
Let me see that list...
Most black 15 year-olds in this country are decent, law abiding citizens. It's their kids who cause all the trouble.
Oh, really Sonic...
Some hero of Mobius you turned out to be...
Sonic:
Yeah, we can't actually call it "Mobius" anymore. I honestly don't know why...
Tails:
Iizuka probably smokes more weed than you do, that's why.
Sonic:
Thanks for coming on the show guys.
Rob'O the Hedge:
Wait, that's it? Really? You called me all the way out here, when we haven't spoken in decades, just to read your silly joke?
Eggman:
Get out of here you Sonic wannabe OC recolour! We've got enough talking blue pests on the show as it is!!
Classic Sonic:
You guys need this cool, blue hedgehog for life!
Sonic:
Sad thing is, after Sonic Forces, we really kinda do... ugh...
Thanks for coming on the show guys. I promise, next podcast will be a lot better than this, I promise.
This is just an ice breaker sort of thing to get the fans excited.
Zonic:
Whatever. I'm going back on patrol.
Rob'O the Hedge:
And I'm going back to being forgotten... Thanks for bringing me all the way out here to table read a silly joke...
Sonic:
This shows going great... just great...
Mina. Hi. How are you?
Mina:
Heey Sonic! Heey Tails!
Tails:
Hey Mina.
Sonic:
Aimes? You still awake?
Amy:
Wha...!? Oh God! Is this thing still going?
Sonic:
We're almost done. Here Mina, you read out the next one?
Mina:
Sure! How many feminists does it take to change a light bulb? ...Don't be stupid, feminists can't change anything.
[Pause]
Great...
Shard:
Honestly, I'm actually enjoying a lot of these. Here, let me do one...
What is a pedophiles favourite part about Halloween? ...Free delivery.
Ha! Nice one.
Sonic:
See Tails! Shard gets it!
Rosy:
Oohhh let me do one! I wanna tell a joke! I wanna let the whole entire world know who I am!!!
Amy:
Oh god... this girl again...
Rosy:
Hey sis! Hehehehehehehe!! Did you miss me??
Amy:
I'd be lying if I said yes.
Rosy:
Hehehehehehe!! Don't worry. I'm not going anywhere. You're all going to be seeing a lot more of me from now on!
Tails:
Was that "you" in Sonic Origins?
Rosy:
Hehehehehe!! Who else?
Now for the punchline...
So I painted my laptop black, hoping it would run faster... Now it doesn't work. heheheheheheeh!!
Smashy Smashy!! I wanna break everything!
[Swinging sfx]
Sonic:
Woah! Watch where you swing that thing!! Look, thanks for coming on the show. Your Uber is outside waiting.
Rosy:
Hehehehehehe!! I'm not going to pay him, but He'll never know!! Hehehehehehe!!
Smashy Smashy! Ehehehehehe!! [Play at 40% volume as she's leaving the building]
Sonic:
Ok, we have one more Archie era guest then we're going to take a quick break. Please welcome...
"Speedy!"
Speedy:
Thanks for having me.
Sonic:
So Speedy, just to get you up on what we're doing. This is just an ice breaker for a new podcast series we're starting called sonic and friends. We're all going around the room telling offensive jokes just to break the ice a little.
I've made a list so pick out whatever you like that hasn't been done.
Speedy:
Fine. Lets see here... So I suggested to my wife that she'd look sexier with her hair back... Which is apparently an insensitive thing to say to a cancer patient.
[Pause]
Is that it?
Sonic:
Yeah. We're going to take a quick refreshment break while we wait for the other guests to arrive.
Guys don't go away because in a moment, we'll be joined by the IDW cast! Don't go anywhere.
Omega:
These jokes have all been abysmal!
Sonic:
Thanks Omega. See you in a few!
[Fades to black and back again]
Sonic:
Alright we're back. Guys, I know this entire episode has been a total bust so far, but we're got more special guests on the show. Please welcome all the way from San Diego the cast of IDW Sonic the Hedgehog!
Tangle:
Woo!! Hey guys!!
Surge:
S'up Bitches!!
Whisper:
Hello...
Jewel:
Pleasure to be here.
Dr. Starline:
Charmed, I'm sure.
Belle:
Hey!
Sonic:
Alright, so the theme of this episode is basically just us reading off offensive jokes we found off the internet. This is just meant to be an ice breaker to introduce everyone to the livestream.
So, any takers?
Surge:
Sure, I'll read one of these.
What's the difference between a gay man and a freezer? the freezer doesn't fart when you pull the meat out.
Lame!
Tangle:
Oooh let me try one!
What do you tell a woman with two black eyes? Nothing you already done told her twice.
[Pause]
Whisper:
...That's not funny...
Tangle:
Here Jewel, why don't you try one?
Jewel:
Alrighty...
What do you do when your dishwasher stops working? ...You slap her on the ass and tell her to get back to work.
Oh my!
Rouge:
Ugh, please...
Rough:
These jokes are lame! Here, let me do one!
A man walks into a bar, he notices a sign on the wall that says hot dogs two dollars, cheeseburgers three dollars and handjobs, ten dollars. A busty blonde approaches him and asks "what can I get you, sweetie?"
"Yeah, are you the one giving the handjobs?"
Smiling she says "why yes I am."
"In that case" says the man "why don't you go wash your hands and make me a cheeseburger."
Tumble:
Bro. I like that one.
Rough:
Yeah, I'm stealing that! Here. You give one of these a try!
Tumble:
The other day I saw a black guy with Nikes on carrying a brand new 3000 dollar TV on his shoulder.
I looked closely and thought, "Hey! That's mine!!" But then I remembered, mine wears Adidas.
Mehh.
Rough:
Lame!
Belle:
Mind if a take a crack at one of these?
A wife says to her husband "you're always pushing me around and talking behind my back!"
"what do you expect?" He says "you're in a fucking wheelchair!"
Oooh. Nasty.
Surge:
Drippy! You do one! Most of these are lame, so far.
Kit:
Sure...
I asked my Dad the other day, "At what age is it ok to have sex with girls?" He replied "When they leave school son, they are legal"
Apparently 3.15pm is not what he meant.
Tumble:
Ha! Nice!
Here doctor. You read one
Dr. Starline:
Very well...
A married couple down on their luck decide to make a few extra bucks by reluctantly having the wife work the corner.
After the first day the husband picks her up and asks "how did you do?". She says, "I did pretty well, I made 200 dollars and 50 cents".
The husband then asks, "What asshole gave you 50 cents?" and she replies "all of them".
[Pause]
Am I missing the punchline, here?
Surge:
Yeah, these jokes are lame.
Whisper:
Juvenile.
Custom hero:
Mind if I give one a go?
Dr. Starline:
Please, by all means knock yourself out.
Custom hero:
A Catholic couple are about to get married. The bride to be sits her husband down for a heart-to-heart the day before the wedding.
She says, "Honey, before we do this, I have something I need to get off my chest. You see, a few years back, my family was very poor, and for a while I had to work as a prostitute."
The man leaps out of his chair and shouts, "Oh no, absolutely not! I can't get married to you!"
The woman starts crying, and begs him to forgive her. "Please don't leave me - surely you can live with a woman who used to be a bit of a whore..."
The man sits down and says, "Oh... that's fine. For a minute I thought you said Protestant."
Huh, good one.
Eggman:
Hey guys! We're back! Wh... Dr. Starline...
Dr. Starline:
Hello Doctor.
Eggman:
Hello my foot! What's "He" Doing here?
Sonic:
What? I told you we were having the IDW crew in later.
Eggman:
You didn't tell me "He" was going to be here!? I wouldn't of even bothered getting out of bed if I knew Starline would show his ugly face around here again!
Dr. Starline:
Oh come, come now Doctor. We're both professionals, besides the fanbase just absolutely adores having me on here.
Eggman:
You mean your DeviantArt furry fanbase adores you and no one else!
Dr. Starline:
Oh, really. Come now is that any...
Sonic:
Guys! Hey guys! Come on. Chill! This is just supposed to be a chill podcast guys, I'm not trying to be the next Keemstar here.
Tails:
One Keemstar is one too many if you ask me...
Amy:
Tell me about it.
Sonic, how many more of these are there anyway?
Sonic:
Like... dozens. Should we just blast through a few and end this whole thing?
Knuckles:
Please do. I need to get back to the babysitter before dark. I told her the Master Emerald can't stay up past nine. Tomorrow's a school night after all.
[Awkward pause]
Tails:
Wait... what?...
Knuckles:
I was joking! Jeez.
I'm starting to see why Sonic thinks we're all humourless... I tell jokes too every once in a while, y'know?
Eggman:
Oh yeah... I forgot you being here means the Master Emerald is likely unguarded right now...
Dr. Starline:
Oh please, are you "Still" honestly on that, doctor?
Eggman:
Quiet you overgrown lawn accessory! It's a giant gemstone of infinite power! Why wouldn't I want to harness it's energy to power my doomsday weapons?
Dr. Starline:
Because you've tried it over and over again and the results continue to end the same. Honestly, doctor I truly have outgrown you.
Eggman:
"Qui-Ett!" If it wasn't for Sonic always collecting those damn emeralds I would have won this battle decades ago.
Dr. Starline:
And yet you still try the same tactics. Over and over again. It's always gather the 7 chaos emeralds, take over the world. Gather the 7 chaos emeralds, take over the world...
Honestly, your constant feud with Sonic gives you tunnel vision.
Eggman:
Oh really? And what would "you" try that's so superior? "Besides" ripping off my own technology of course.
Starline:
It's simple. Eliminate the threat that stands before you by every means necessary. Exploit every weakness presented to you and only then prepare your goal of conquest.
Eggman:
Don't you think I've been trying to do just "That" for the past 30 years now!?
Knuckles:
Guys! Let's just hurry up and finish these jokes so we can end this already!
Mimic:
Alright, fuck it. Let me do one real quick...
A guy who's well into his marriage has just learned that sex just doesn't come as often as it used to.
Frustrated he goes to his friend for advice.
"Well I've found that masturbating every once in a while helps me get through the months. Now I realize you can't ever find the right time to do it at home, so just park your car somewhere and pretend like you're working on it."
He thanks him for the advice and goes about his day. Later that week, while getting on the highway, he thinks about the advice and decides to pull over and do his business. About 2 minutes into the process a cop pulls up and asks the man what he is doing.
Startled, but determined to finish the man responds "well officer, I was just checking on my oil and such."
The officer replies, "well you might want to check your brakes too because your car rolled on down the hill a while ago."
Heh, not bad. Who's next.
Tails:
Sure, I might as well do another I suppose...
My girlfriend and I were having sex the other day when she looked over at me and said, "Make love to me like in the movies."
So I fucked her in the ass, pulled out, and came all over her face and hair. I guess we don't watch the same movies...
Jewel:
Tails. These are all awful.
Whisper:
Immature.
Tangle:
Here, let me give another one a try:
I used to be a sadistic necrophiliac with a penchant for bestiality, but I realized I was just beating a dead horse.
Uh... huh...
Surge:
You guys are all lame. Here, let me give another crack at this.
An elementary school teacher, a lawyer, a Catholic priest and three young boys are on a plane with only three parachutes. Engines explode and the plane starts going down.
The teacher says, "Save the children!"
The lawyer yells, "Fuck The Children!!"
The Catholic priest looks around and whispers, 'Is there time?'
Ha! Nice.
Here drippy, you do another one.
Kit:
A woman is shopping at a grocery store. She picks up a half gallon of skim milk, 2 loaves of wheat bread, one dozen organic eggs, and some carrots. She goes to the checkout line.
"You must be single." The clerk says.
Amazed at the flattering insight of the clerk, the woman responds, "Yes I am. How could you tell?".
"Because you're ugly".
..I don't get it.
Amy:
Oh give it here, I might as well do another...
A Jewish boy goes up to his mom and asks "Can I have twenty dollars to go to the movies?" She replies "Fifteen dollars? Since when does it cost ten dollars to see a movie?"
Heh, classy.
Knuckles:
Alright, let me do one.
What does two rice grains in the sink mean?
A Somalian has been up all night vomiting.
...Not cool, Sonic.
Sonic:
Y'know you guys used to be cool back in the day. Woke culture, that's what happened. It killed the west and it killed everyone's sence of humour.
Royal guard:
May I try one? Ahem...
I locked my keys in my car outside of an abortion clinic the other night. It turns out they get really pissed when you go in and ask them for a coat hanger.
Oh my.
Eggman:
Why is it that all the women who are against abortions are the ones you wouldn't want to fuck anyway?
Tangle:
Hey!
Eggman:
What? I was just reading the thing. Ah forget it. Here, you read the next one.
Belle:
Have you ever tried Ethiopian food? ...Neither have they.
[Short pause]
Mimic:
Man, you guys are lame at this. Here, give me the list, I'll pick a good one.
A girl in a bar said to me, "I wouldn't fuck you if you were the last person alive." Leaning over and whispering, I replied, "But who would be around to stop me?" Wiped the smug look right off her face.
Jewel:
Oh my word!
Whisper:
Tasteless...
Sonic:
Man, I'm really regretting starting this whole thing...
Shadow:
Well I'm still here. Give me the list and I'll read another.
A poor man meets a rich man around Christmas. The poor man asks the rich man, "what are you getting your wife this Christmas?" The rich man replies, "diamond earrings and a Mercedes."
The poor man asks, "why are you getting her two gifts?" The rich man says "well, if she doesn't like the earrings she can drive to the store and exchange them."
The poor man nods. The rich man then asks him "so, what are you getting your wife this year?"
The poor man thinks about it for a second and replies, "a pair of slippers and a dildo." The rich man asks "why those two things?"
The poor man astutely responds "this way, if she doesn't like the slippers she can go fuck herself."
[Pause]
I actually liked that one. Bravo, hedgehog, you actually did something right for a change.
Rouge:
Yeah good one, Sonic.
Sonic:
Thank you, thank you. I try!
Vector:
Here, let me get another stab at this!
What do you call a black guy flying an aeroplane? The pilot, you racist fuck!!
Hey not bad. Some of these are starting to get better.
Here Espio, you read one.
Espio:
Why do black people smell so bad? ...So blind people can hate them, too.
Hmm...
Charmy:
Here, let me give one a try.
What's better than winning a gold medal in the Special Olympics? ...Not being retarded.
Tumble:
Ha! I love that one!
Rough:
Nice one, kid!
Cubot:
Here. let me take another shot!
What's the worst part about eating a vegetable? Putting her back in the wheelchair.
Ha-ha-ha!
Orbot:
A 12 year old boy gets hit by a car at a busy intersection. A woman witnesses the entire event and runs over to the little boy, who's lying on the ground in a pool of blood.
She gently cradles the boy’s head in her arms and whispers, "Do you need a priest?" The boy moans, "How you can think of sex at a time like this?"
Cubot:
Ha-Ha! That's a good one!
Orbot:
Again with the priest jokes, Sonic?
Sonic:
How was I supposed to know you were Catholic!? Which is... strange, considering you're an Eggman robot.
Eggman:
Oh not at all. I built a whole army of religious priest robots back when I built the Mystic Mansion decades ago. Turns out they ended up taking the religion seriously and started spreading it all over my networks.
Tails:
So... all of your robots are Catholic?
Eggman:
Well... all except...
Chaos Sonic:
S'up Bitches!!
Sonic:
Oh no... This guy again...
Chaos Sonic:
Woo yeah! I'm back baby. You all thought I was dead but nuh-uh, you got a whole nother season of Sonic Prime to look forward to me kicking this guys butt!
Mimic:
Wait, who the fucks this guy again?
Sonic:
Dude, if Metal Sonic was still here, he'd be so pissed right now...
Chaos:
Ahh don't worry. That lame rod can't touch me. I'm indestructible and way past awesome!
Starline:
Honestly doctor. How many times are you going to keep building these metal clones of Sonic anyway?
Eggman:
Hey don't blame me. It was Mister Doctor Eggman who made this hunk of junk. He's not even Catholic!!
Chaos:
"Ex-cuse" me? Hunk of Junk? I'll have you know I had this bozo running for his life without even breaking a solid sweat.
Sonic:
The only thing "you" gave me was a headache with your endless one liners. My retro self would love to hang out with you.
Chaos:
Juice "and" Jam time!!
Shadow:
I already hate this guy. Just give him a joke to read already so we can end this nightmare.
Chaos:
What's this now? Joke time! Oh, ah loooove joke time!
Hey I got a joke. What's blue and lame and can't even hold second place in a one on one race with me? That's right, it's...
Sonic:
No! No. We're not doing that.
Here. It's offensive jokes to piss off liberals. We're reading through these. We thought the fans would love it.
Chaos:
The only thing I hate more than liberals is cold chili dogs! Stuffs way mondo lame, amigo! You know what ah'm sayin'?
Tails:
God I hate this guy already... [Have at 30% volume so it sounds like he's muttering it]
Chaos:
A woman goes to the doctors complaining about stomach cramps. She gets sent off for some test and comes back a week later.
"Well, I hope you're ready for endless sleepless nights of crying and changing dirty nappies!" The doc says.
"Wow, you mean I'm pregnant?" the woman replies thrilled. "No, you've got bowel cancer."
Sweet! Hey speaking of Bowel Cancer. Did I ever tell you guys of the time I digested an entire bowl of greasy chili dogs and had to run rings around New Yolk just tryin' to find a bathroom. Man that was so lame. Weird thing came out of me though, it was gnarly!
Sonic:
Great, well thanks for coming on the show ...Chaos "me".
Jewel:
Yeah, I might need to be heading back as well actually. The restoration isn't gonna admin itself.
Whisper:
Bye guys...
Surge:
Yeah me and drippy are heading out as well. Later dickwads!
Kit:
Farewell.
Mimic:
Yeah Sonic I'm gonna be heading off as well. It's been real though.
Belle:
Yeah I better be heading back too. Jewel is kinda my ride.
Tangle:
Yep. Me too. Bye guys!
Amy:
Bye everyone!
Sonic:
Thanks for coming on the show guys...
[Short pause]
Dr. Starline:
Well I'm still here. Lets take another crack at these jokes... Hmm...
A black student is dropped off by the bus to his waiting father after middle school. He tells his dad that while he and his gym classmates were showering, he noticed that his dick was a lot bigger than the rest of the boys.
He asks his father if it's because he is black. The father replied "No, it's because you're 19."
Hmm. Humorous.
Custom hero:
Let me try one.
2 car pile up on the Mexican border. ...Thousands die.
Shadow:
Why did the Heaven's Gate cult commit suicide? Just trying to keep up with the Joneses.
Rouge:
Let me try one.
A smoking hot girl walks into a bar. A guy at the bar says, "Wow, you're gonna get laid tonight!" She replies, "how do you know?" And he replies, "Because I'm stronger than you."
Geez, Sonic...
Sonic:
Look, I didn't write these, Ok? I just googled them off of the internet.
Tails:
How do you turn a fruit into a vegetable? ...Aids.
[Small pause]
Knuckles:
What's al Qaeda's favourite football team? ...The New York Jets.
Not cool, Sonic...
Amy:
Knock Knock. "Who's There?" 9-11. "9-11 Who?" You said you would never forget...
Oh, really, Sonic?
Eggman:
What do Japanese men do when they have an erection? Vote.
[Pause]
Lame!
Cubot:
A kid is sitting at the kitchen table in the morning and says, "Hey mom, pass the fuckin corn flakes!"
Enraged, his mom takes him out back and whips him with a rod, then sits him back down and says, "Now would you like something from the table?"
He says, "Well I sure as shit don't want those fuckin corn flakes."
Ha-ha! Good one!
Vector:
Did you know what Helen Keller's house looked like? No? That's ok, neither did she.
Mehh.
Espio:
How did Helen Keller burn her ear? ...She answered the iron.
How did she burn her other ear? ...They called back.
[Pause]
Charmy:
Let me read one.
What did Helen Keller say when she put down the cheese grater? That's the worst book I ever read!
Eggman:
What? Are these all Helen Keller jokes now?
Sonic:
There's only a few left and we're done.
Shadow:
How can you tell when your sister is on her period? ...Your dad's dick tastes funny.
Classy...
Rouge:
A redneck is sitting on his Lazy Boy watching the game. His daughter comes in and asks if she can borrow the car.
The redneck says, "Well, I guess... but you gotta do something for me in return. Either you can suck my cock or let me fuck you in the ass."
The daughter thinks about it for a minute, but finally decides she'd rather give a blowjob. She gets on her knees and unzips his pants, puts her mouth on his member and gags, "Ugh, this tastes like shit!"
The redneck smiles and says, "Oh yeah, I forgot, Billy already borrowed the car today."
Ugh. Ok I am done reading these...
Shadow:
I don't blame you.
Sonic:
Ok fine! I'll read one...
What does a redneck girl say the first time she has sex? ..."Get off me, Daddy! You're crushing my Marlboros."
Tails:
How do you circumcise a hillbilly? ...Kick his sister in the jaw.
Really Sonic? How many more of these are there?
Eggman:
I'll do one.
There once was a man in a happy marriage, save for one aspect - his member was so sizable he could not fully insert himself into his wife without causing her pain.
One night, this frustration boiled over, and he headed out to find a bordello. Surely, if he was to find a woman to accommodate his size, it would be there.
As he walks into the parlour, he eyes a man behind the counter and tells him his troubles. The man says, "Well, that's a pickle, but I'm Harold, the janitor. You want to speak with Helga, the Headmistress," pointing to the side.
He walks over to her and repeats the story. Money exchanges hands, and he's directed down the hall, first room on the left.
He's never actually been with a prostitute before, so some awkward conversation precludes intercourse. In the act, he manages to get a third of the way in before she starts yelping in pain. He pulls out, apologizes for the inconvenience, and goes back to the Headmistress.
She's a little taken aback, but still proposes a solution. Second door, right side.
The man is a more than a little frustrated and certainly a touch embarrassed by this point, so no conversation occurs and he gets right into it.
A third goes in. Then half. She yelps. He dismounts, and storms back to the Headmistress, not even bothering to put his clothes back on. He demands a refund.
She tells him that she has one last option for him. If it doesn't work, she will gladly refund every penny of his purchase. Last door on the left.
He goes in, and the room is very dark. A woman lies on the bed, waiting for him. He mounts her. A third of the way, half-way, and all the way in. She offers no complaint. Gleefully he begins thrusting, when to his horror, in the dim light, he notices she appears to be foaming from the mouth.
In a panic, he runs back to the Headmistress. "That girl is foaming at the mouth! I think you need to call a doctor!"
The Headmistress rolls her eyes. "For fuck's sake. Harold! The dead girl is full again!"
Bwa-hahahahaha!! Oh, Thats a good one! I "like" that!
Dr. Starline:
Classy.
Eggman:
Here Starline, you read the next one.
Dr. Starline:
Alright...
A little boy wakes up in the middle of the night and walks into his parents room and sees them having sex. The little boy, traumatized, runs out of the room crying.
"You should go check on him, that's really going to be something you need to explain," said the mother.
The father laughed it off with a traditional "he will get over it," and continued to chuckle about the whole situation.
After some additional prodding from the mother the father agrees to go talk to the little boy. As he is walking down the hallway to his son's room he hears an empty thumping sound coming from inside.
Thump, Thump, squish, Thump, Thump.
The father, very confused, slams the door open and sees his son balls deep, pounding the shit out of his grandmothers asshole. Just really going to town on it.
The father screams "What the hell are you doing?" The boy replies, "It's not so funny when its your mom, is it?"
Oh-ho! I admit, That one I liked!
Sonic:
See? I told you these weren't all bad!
Tails:
Alright I'll give these another go.
Two homeless men are standing around bragging about their day. The First hobo says "Today I found 20 bucks and was able to buy a nice hot meal. It was my luckiest day ever!".
To which the second hobo replies: "Oh yeah, my day was way better! I was at the train yard, and found a woman tied to the train tracks. After I untied her, we fucked all day"
"Did you get a blow job?" Asks the first hobo.
"Naw, I couldn't find her head." replied the second.
[Pause]
Not gonna lie, It's not bad. Definitely better than the material we've been reading for the past hour.
Knuckles:
I'll say. Sonic, why didn't you start with these?
Here, let me read one...
A young boy is stood on the top of a cliff crying alone. A priest approaches and asks "why are you crying, my son?"
"Mister, my mommy's all the way down there at the bottom of the cliff!"
"Oh no..." Responds the priest in horror.
"She fell! And my daddy tried to catch her and he fell too!" said the traumatised little boy.
The priest put his hand on the little boys shoulder and they shared a quiet moment together alone on top of the cliff.
"Mister, why are you unbuckling your belt?" Asked the little boy in confusion.
"My son, Today's just not your day..." said the priest unzipping his pants.
Orbot:
More Catholic priest jokes... Bravo Sonic.... Bravo...
Cubot:
Here, I'll do one...
I was raping this one chick, and she said: "Please, think of my children!" and I thought "Fuck, this bitch is kinky!"
Eggman:
I'm going to need to soft patch filter all of this out of you two when we get back, aren't I?
Espio:
A woman in the hospital had just delivered a baby. The nurse who caught it hurls it against the wall. Bones crumble.
The mother screams.
Then the nurse opens a window and hurls the broken baby to the ground. Splat!
The mother cries out "You bitch! You killed my baby!"
The nurse replies, “April Fools: It was born dead."
Eesh...
Vector:
A few days after Christmas, a mother was working in the kitchen listening to her young son playing with his new electric train in the living room. She heard the train stop and her son said, “All of you sons of bitches who want off, get the fuck off now, cause this is the last stop! And all of you sons of bitches who are getting on, get your asses in the train."
The mother went nuts and told her son, “We don’t use that kind of language in this house. Now I want you to go to your room and you are to stay there for two hours and think about what you've done.”
Two hours later, the son comes out of the bedroom and resumes playing with his train. Soon the train stopped and the mother heard her son say, “All passengers who are disembarking from the train, please remember to take all of your belongings with you. We thank you for riding with us today.”
She hears the little boy continue, “For those of you just boarding, we ask you to stow all of your hand luggage under your seat.”
As the mother began to smile, the child added, “For those of you pissed about the two hour delay, please see the cunt in the kitchen!”
Pwa-ha! That's a good one!
Sonic:
See I told you, they weren't all so bad!
Here. There's only two left. I'll do the second to last one...
So, it seems there is this couple who get married and decide to drive to the Poconos for their honeymoon. You know, the Poconos is this romantic place in the woods where people used to go all the time for getaways?
Anyway, they pass another car on the highway while driving there and there’s a couple in that car. The men nod to each other and the wives giggle to each other - it seems both couples are on their honeymoon.
When the first car arrives, the husband carries his wife over the threshold of the cabin, tears her clothes off then throws her on to the bed and jumps on top of her. He’s doing his thing but he notices the window is right over the bed. And as he’s grunting, he’s looking out the window. And to his surprise, there’s the other guy he saw on the road, but he’s sitting on the dock with a fishing rod, fishing in the lake.
He thinks nothing of it and goes back to doing his new wife.
The next morning the guy wakes up with a huge boner and the first thing he does is roll over onto his wife. He’s pumping away but can’t help looking out the window.
It’s going to be a glorious day. The sun is rising out of the lake... the steam is coming off the water... and there’s that guy, sitting on the dock, fishing away. He has a fishing hat on, he has a cooler, he’s casting...
But the guy watching is just finishing up boning his new wife, so he forgets all about it.
That night the guy takes his new wife out to dinner. Great food, exotic drinks, dancing under the stars.
Naturally, when they get back, the first thing he does is jump on her and takes her to the bedroom.
As he climbs onto his new wife, he looks out the window.
There’s a gigantic moon over the lake, reflecting off the water but there, on the dock, is the other guy.
He’s got his fishing rod and a little lantern on the dock and a bucket full of fish.
Now the guy is busy with his wife but it’s driving him crazy. Why is this other guy spending his honeymoon doing nothing but fishing?
In fact, for the entire two weeks, every time the guy climbs on top of his wife, the other guy is out there casting away. He has his fishing hat on, his little fishing license pinned to the side. He has a cooler with a six pack. He’s just fishing away.
Finally, on the last day of their honeymoon, while they are loading up the car, the guy just has to talk to the fisherman.
So he wanders over to the dock and introduces himself, then awkwardly, he says, "You know, me and the other guys... we’re here boning our new wives and yet you spend all your day fishing. What’s up with that?"
"Yeah, I know," the fisherman says, "I’d love to do that too, but see, my new wife had a bad case of gonorrhoea."
"Oh, that’s too bad." the man says, "But you know... you could just roll her over and, you know... just do her in the ass?"
"Yeah that would be great," the fisherman agrees, "But see, she also has a bad case of diarrhoea too."
"Wow, that sucks!" the guy says. "But, you know, why not a little head action? Huh? Huh? That wouldn’t be so bad."
"Yeah, that’s what I was hoping for too," the fisherman says ruefully, "but, see, she also has a case of pyorrhoea... you know, gum disease?"
"Bad luck, man," the guy admits, "But then, it’s not much, but how about a couple of hand jobs?"
"Yeah, yeah," the fisherman says, "She also has a bad case of seborrhoea."
"Wow, that’s a sad story." the man says. "Wait a minute... your wife has a bad case of gonorrhoea, diarrhoea, pyorrhoea and seborrhoea? Why the HELL did you marry HER?"
"Well," the fisherman says, smiling brightly, "She also had a bad case of worms, and I LOVE to fish!"
[Pause]
Huh? Huh?
Shadow:
I am so done with this. Are we finished with this episode now? Can we wrap this up, already?
Sonichu:
Hey guys!
Tails:
Sonichu?
Sonic:
Oh no... I totally forgot he was scheduled to come on here...
Sonichu:
Hey, how's it going, everybody?
Amy:
Sonic. What the hell is your DeviantArt OC doing here?
Sonichu:
Woah! Hey! Look. I'm sorry I'm running a little behind. I'm new to San Francisco and got a little lost trying to find the place. The GPS kept taking me to Chinatown for some reason and I had to keep asking for directions.
Vector:
Wait... isn't this the guy who...?
Sonic:
Yes. Look. Guys. I'm sorry. It's this whole other thing... The producer said we needed to get in at least one diverse token fan character in here, and well... I mean, we had to give Jason's voice to someone. I mean, I wasn't going to do it. So...?
Knuckles:
Wait. Isn't this the guy who's creator tried to have sex with his mom and ended up going to jail for it?
Eggman:
Wait... He what!?!
Amy:
He raped his own 80 year old mother...
Sonichu:
No! Look. Guys... It's something I really don't like talking about. Y'know my father, he's not mentally well... It's just... I mean... You deal with crazy fans all the time right? You know what it's like.
Eggman:
Oh yeah, Sonic. Like that fat autistic guy who kept having sex with that plush doll of you. What was his name... Jason Something?
Sonic:
Oh Fuck, Eggman! I've been trying so hard to forget about that guy!!
Amy:
Ewww, Sonic what the hell!?
Espio:
Disgusting...
Tails:
Oh yeah, I remember watching a documentary about that guy. Jasonic I think his name was...
Knuckles:
Wait, what are we talking about now?
Sonic:
Knuckles, seriously, don't...
Tails:
There's this fat autistic guy on the internet that has basically been having sex with the same Sonic plush doll for over 20 years. He sleeps next to it, refuses to clean it...
Sonic:
Oh fucking hell!! I've been trying so hard to forget about this guy!!!
Sonichu:
You see?? You see what I have to deal with every time I leave the house? "Chris-chan did this", "Christine did that", "when's the dimension merge happening?" "Did Chris-Chan sleep with his mom?" You can't escape it!
Shadow:
Your fanbase disgusts me, hedgehog! It's bad enough they keep drawing pictures of me and Rouge, but this...
Rouge:
Tell me about it. I can't even google my own name anymore.
Charmy:
Wait, should I even be listening to any of this, now?
Vector:
No! You shouldn't, Charmy!
Sonic:
Look! I'm sorry alright? Is it my fault half our audience are furry degenerates? It's not like I control the content.
I mean, Do you give Bugs Bunny crap for half the people who wanna have sex with him? Or the Ninja Turtles?
It's the internet, what am I supposed to do about it? Just stop making games??
Eggman:
I mean, we haven't made a good one in a long while now...
Sonic:
Ughhh... look, this whole entire show has been a disaster. Sonichu, here. You read the last one. I'm going to take a wizz real quick...
Sonichu:
Sure. What are we doing?
Sonic:
We're reading offensive jokes off of the internet. I've saved the best one for last. Here, you read it.
Sonichu:
Alright...
A family walks into a talent agency. It’s a father, mother, son, daughter and dog.
The father says to the talent agent, "We have a really amazing act. You should represent us."
The agent says, "Sorry, I don’t represent family acts. They’re a little too cute."
The mother says, "Sir, if you just see our act, we know you would want to represent us."
The agent says, "OK. OK. I’ll take a look."
The show starts with my son and daughter playing with our dog. The dog is old and he's missing all of his teeth, so the way we feed him is that he sucks off my son until my son cums and ejects his sperm into the dog`s mouth. "Oh Geez!"
The daughter is there to suck my son's balls and his anus so that my son gets a little extra out of this feeding ritual as well. After the dog is fed, my daughter gets down on all fours and licks off the dog's saliva as the dog fucks her asshole. "Oh Good Lord!"
My wife comes up, singing the collected hits of duo Platin. The second she sees the dynamic trio, she gets down on her knees and starts rubbing her old, wrinkled pussy.
My daughter stops sucking her brother and moves over to her mom. She stands in front of her, pissing all over her mother's face and naked breasts as my son fucks her in the ass.
The dog is running around, licking the urine that drips all around and as my son cums in his sister's ass, he crawls underneath them and licks the dripping anus.
My wife is now standing up and is dildo fucking her daughter from behind as my son is fucking my wife in the ass. The dog is humping my son and they all move by the tune of Mary had a little lamb.
Suddenly my son stops and grabs my mother by the throat, starting to choke her. She turns purple, then blue as her veins burst and her eyes pop out of their sockets. The daughter shrieks and runs away, only to be caught by me.
I recently had a tetanus shot and something went wrong since my dick is bloated like a balloon. I grab her, throw her in the air and virtually run her through with my cock.
At the end of it, there's her uterus with a little fetus hanging out of it as she was two months pregnant. I walk over to my wife, still with my bleeding daughter hanging on my cock and she takes her off, eating the dying fetus.
My son licks the blood off and my dog finishes what is left of the uterus. We are all very tired and the last thing I manage to say is "So, I see you all got your lunch. I think I'll have a burger!"
I walk over to the fridge, grab a burger, while my son is feeding off her sister's carcass and my wife is finishing the uterus, pop a beer on my way and sit down to watch a football game.
After the game is over and my daughter finally dies with her stomach penetrated and blood gushing all over the stage, the rest of the family gets up, takes a bow, kicks the dog in the ass, making it topple off the stage and into the band pit, takes another bow and gets off the stage, dragging the body of my daughter behind them, leaving a bloody trail.
We all come back one last time to take our last bow.
For the longest time, the agent just sits in silence. Finally, he manages, "That’s a hell of an act. What do you call it?"
And the father says, "The Aristocrats!"
Wait. This is the joke Gilbert Gottfried read during that 9-11 speech years back, right?
Amy:
Yeah, I'm really not finding any of these funny...
Sonic:
Oh, you guys are humourless dicks!
Anyway, let's just end this. This episode has been a bust.
Eggman:
Tell me about it...
Sonic:
Guys, we're gonna end the show...
Sonichu:
What, is it over already?
Tails:
Yeah, we've been going for a long time now, actually...
Sonic:
Guys! We're ending the stream. Hopefully you found this entertaining in some way but do stick around. We have an entire podcast planned out where we're planning to talk about things we could never talk about at Sega.
Politics, the economy, the film industry, gaming. It should be a blast.
So. Thank you guys and until next time.
Amy:
Farewell everyone!
Vector:
Bye!
Sonichu:
See you!
