Back in early 2012, my first crush (the one that inspired Largesse, Becky, Aine, and Dream) was entering its swan song. I'd spent five years pursuing this woman, convinced that she was my soulmate. I was only just at this point moving out of my parents' house (and even then, simply moving in with another relative because it was a denser, more urban area and thus had more businesses for me to apply for a job at).
So during my time adjusting to this new life, I wrote a story in the first person as though it were a journal of me moving into another world. In this story, over the course of a week I met a woman native to that world who was to all appearances an even better match for me, not least of which by being receptive rather than all my interest being met with wishy-washy non-answers like "Maybe I'll love you back some day" or the like.
She had better evidence that I was her soulmate than I had in real life of the real woman I was seeking after - in a world of millions of different species, we were recognizably the same vaguely defined mammal with complementary, inverted light and dark areas on our fur - me dark where she is light and vice-versa. I wasn't sure what animal I was imagining while writing, just seemed like some generic sort of anthro animal, but looking back I'm pretty sure they were anthro otters or ferrets or some mustelid very similar to the two. Primarily of a rich brown coat, extremities and bellies tipped with either very light or very dark fur, prominent raccoon/tanuki/ferret mask markings around the eyes (which when white, are supposed to make the face resemble a generic toon with very large eyes, whereas white forepaws indicate toon gloves).
This story was in part to build myself up for a big knife twist at the end. Ultimately, I leave this fantasy world where everything is like the modern world but just a little better - anthro animals rather than humans, less crime, vice and violence but not so completely unfallen that my presence there would be a total existential threat, and not least of all a potential wife whose physical characteristics met my desires and whose spiritual and mental ones were amenable to a flourishing marriage. At the very end, I leave that world to return to my own, to return to the woman I thought to be my real soulmate, to offer her myself one last time but with no room for vacillation. On my way out, seeing glimpses of the future that could have been, scattered journal entries from weeks, months, and years further down the timeline which were erased from potential of manifesting. To have this story to say "This is what I'm willing to sacrifice for you. Will you accept my terms?"
The rejection was expected, but still disheartening. I felt completely broken and hollowed out, then wound up rebounding with a girl I met on FurAffinity to a flash in the pan that was ultimately even more brutal than the five years of drawn out tension from the mixed signals. Then rebounded again from that, then rebounded again while reeling from that. After almost a full decade of being strung along and emotionally abused variously by women and men pretending to be women, I basically decided I'd throw in the towel on romance entirely and give up looking; it was around this time that Bella DMed me and I found myself, against what would've been my better judgement at the time from basic pattern recognition alone, falling in love again.
And what happened to my Sister in Christ, whom I'd fallen for first and foremost because I met her on a forum for Christian fans of the RPG genre and she was one of the few regular readers of my writing? The last time I checked, she'd been absorbed by the Tumblr hivemind - her drawing skills are greatly improved and were already excellent by 2011, but now rather than glorifying God her profile has a rule that she won't make any "anti-LGBT" art even on commission. It stung, but when I saw it I was only starting to claw my way out of the hole I'd spent a decade and a half letting myself slide into. I can only pray she turns around now that all this groomer school nonsense and the like is gaining prominence, that she returns to right teaching and sound judgement, and finds the man that God wants to lead her household ready to take his place and answer his calling.
This picture could be either a "What if?" had I stayed in the otherworld without being able to so much as tell my family or one-sided crush goodbye, or it could be her actually finding the guy whose body I merely resembled while lacking the spiritual strength of leadership needed to be a husband. He would, perhaps, not be locked to a diminished size at all times but capable of becoming much larger as needed; when I look back at macro/micro couples with larger females (mechanically preferred for reasons I laid out in the sheep and wolf picture) that I used to almost exclusively fixate on in my early 20s, I feel a little bat for those larger females unless the guy has some other outstanding quality (as with Tendo being a surgeon and white mage).
, size difference
, white fur
, brown fur
, black fur
, macro micro
, smaller male
, larger female
, straight couple
, pride month
, married couple
, wedding rings
1 week, 5 days ago
23 Jun 2022 13:54 CEST
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