Bureaucraticon
A Comedy of Indifference
By James Mullen
PROLOGUE
From the most holy Bureaucraticon
In the Beginning, the Great Administrator created the Colleges and the University. And the University was without form and void; and darkness was upon the face of the fields. And he said, let there be light: and the fluorescence flickered to light. And he saw the light, that it was bright and put motion sensors in all the rooms. And he called the light expensive, and the darkness he called cheap. And the evening and the morning were the first day.
And he said, let there be a plaza in the midst of the fields, and let it divide the lands from the lands. And he made the plaza, and divided the fields, which were on the left of the plaza from the fields, which were on the right of the plaza; and it was so. And he called the plaza Martin. And the evening and the morning were the second day.
And lo, a great plan dawned on him and on him a great plan dawned. To teach the world and to uphold a light of learning to the future. But then the Great Adversary did arise from within the darkness which was cheap. The Adversary was without form and dark, and to confuse and destroy this great plan, he did seek. As he saw that it him it might destroy. And the evening and the morning were the third day.
The Administrator created Admissions so that all might come to him to see this light. And the Adversary created tuition so that they might turn away. The Administrator created Registration so that they might take courses to see the light. And the Adversary created limits on the number per class and times of inconvenience to diffuse the light. And the Administrator created housing so that all might have a place to dwell when the light they did study. And housing administration he did also create to run it. Yet the Adversary gave the housing administration weak minds to torture those who came to see the light and also did live on the University. And lo, the evening and the morning were the fourth day.
And the Administrator did see his plan corrupted and saw the work of the Adversary and did seek to foil him. The Administrator did create Financial Aid to help pay the tuition of the Adversary and Student Services to aid with their problems. And the Adversary did see this and thought himself undone. He did sit down to think and think he did. And hark, an inspiration occurred to him and the Adversary did form the devastating of all creations: paperwork, red tape, and systems of rules to divide and confuse all departments in the Colleges and in the University. The Bureaucracy he did create to bring the darkness from which he was borne to reign supreme upon the face of the plaza and all that surrounds it. And the evening and the morning were the fifth day.
And lo, the weekend dawned and the Adversary in his malice did offer to buy the Administrator a drink. Now the Administrator did sayeth, Hark it is but eleven thirty. And the Adversary in his cleverness did respond, Hath not heard of the martini lunch in all thine travels? And so they did both get drunk. And drunk they did get. And thus did the weekend pass. Lo, when the weekend did pass, the University could not be repaired for against the new rules of the Adversary it was. And the Bureaucracy did reign supreme.
BOOK ONE
The Innocent
PREFACE
This is the story of James the Divine and the experiences that led to the writing of the most holy Bureaucraticon by which one might become one with the bureaucracy.
There was once a student named James who applied to the colleges of his choice. James, or Jim as he was known in those days, was told to appear at an orientation for the school he would eventually attend. His mother went with him as required and there he saw wondrous sights. They stayed in the dormitories and tasted the delights of the food service. Chicken every night and all you can eat.
Now, Jim was a good student and was invited to join the honors program of that University. He received notice that he had to have an interview first and made an appointment. At the orientation, he went to meet the program's director, Stew Goldman. He arrived at the appropriate time and found his office along the narrow corridors of the Liberal Arts Building. He knocked on his door and heard, ``Come in,'' from within. Jim entered to see a cluttered office with stacks of books and papers that he was to find was typical of all the small offices of this old building. Jim saw Goldman sitting at the desk in front of him. He was a pudgy man wearing a blue wrinkled shirt with no tie.
He had his ear to a phone, put his hand over the receiver and said, ``Have a seat. I'll be just a minute.'' Jim waited and listened while Goldman took his phone call. ``I'm telling you it needs to be done now,'' Goldman said and waited for a response. ``No excuses it shall be done now. Okay good.''
Goldman hung up the phone, stood, and offered his hand saying, ``What can I do for you?''
Jim stood and took the offered hand. He had a strong grip, but his hand felt strangely cold and almost clammy. ``I was supposed to meet you regarding getting into the Honors program,'' Jim replied.
``What's your name?'' Goldman asked, sitting back at his desk and turning to a grey two-door filing cabinet next to it.
Jim told him, and Goldman pulled out a folder from the cabinet and laid it open before him on the desk. He glanced through the papers inside it and said, ``Well you have very high SAT and ACT scores, but I don't see your high school grades being that great. You only have a 3.0 grade point average and most people in the program exceed 3.75''
``My grades in high school weren't as good as they could have been,'' Jim explained, ``because my parents separated and we had to move three times in mid-semester. Once right before midterms and there was not much I could do to catch up. But even under that pressure I kept a 3.0 grade point.''
``I can understand that,'' Goldman said. ``Well I see no reason not to give you a shot. You're accepted. Here's a packet explaining everything about the program. You take Honors courses once a semester that take the place of your general distribution courses.'' Goldman handed Jim a manila envelope packed full of documents and then asked, ``Any questions?''
``Not at the moment,'' Jim replied.
Goldman stood and once again offered his hand, ``Well congratulations and good luck. If there's anything I can do to help you, I'm here for all my Honors students.''
Jim shook Goldman's hand again reluctantly and a vague thought passed through his mind of deals being sealed with handshakes. Jim said his thanks. He left the office and went back to the current dorm he stayed in. He beamed with pride, happy to be a freshman member of the top academic organization on the campus.
In the next few days, Jim finished his orientation. He went through counseling to find out which courses he should take and registered. He went to a meeting, which introduced him to the student organizations on campus. He took a walking tour of the huge campus and its many imposing buildings. After three days, orientations ended, and Jim left the University with high hopes and higher feelings.
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