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The Black Cauldron Review

Embarrassing Moments at E3
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Keywords vent 1276, review 202
The Black Cauldron Review


Now, I know what some of you might be thinking: "OFMG, The Black Cauldron is the worst move evur!!1!" Well... yes and no. Yes, it's a crappy movie but not in the way you think. It's just fucking boring.

The Black Cauldron was hyped up by Disney back in the day and put the budget on advertisement alone just to get everyone's hopes up. ... Only to come crashing down. Upon actually seeing the movie people were unimpressed with the result or either walked out on pure boredom or annoyance since nothing was happening.

So, let's get into the Black Cauldron and see why it bombed so hard.

STORY

Our story begins on an explanation on what the Black Cauldron actually is. It's an ancient device used to make someone powerful, if in the right hands, it can change the future for the better, but in the wrong hands, a world of darkness shall be born onto the world. People have sought out the ancient device but never found it or died trying.

Many years later on a small farm we have our main character Taran, a farmboy who is an assistant and apprentice to a powerful wizard and caretaker of a special pig named Hen Wen who has the power to see the future and know where the Black Cauldron is by dipping her head in some water.

... Yes. Really. Who wrote this shit? Uh, anyways, Taran dreams of becoming a hero and never shuts the fuck up about it. Get use to this folks. Unfortunately, getting caught up in his daydreaming causes him to lose track of Hen Wen who later get's captured a an army led by the Horned King, the main villain of the movie.

Way to go Taran, you had one job and you fucked it up immediately. Kudos. Anyways, he journey to go save the pig before the Horned King figures out where the Black Cauldron is. Along the way he meets a furry creature named Gurgi who's super annoying. Imagine his voice like a cat gurgling a hairball, but never get it out and it's stuck there.

He later meets a princess who I keep forgetting she is one in the movie named Princess Eilonwy and encounters a bard named... Oh sweet Jesus, really? Fflewdurr Fflam. Yes, that is his actual name. So, Hen Wen escapes and reunites with the group, but unfortunately, the Horned King finds the Black Cauldron and brings it back to his castle.

And who is the Horned King? He's basically a Lich, a skeleton wrapped in robes and moves like a zombie sometimes. He does have a cool appearance and voice but here's the problem... He spends the rest of the movie sitting on his throne and does nothing. It's really his army that does the work.

So Taran and the group get captured after failing a stealth check. Those damn natural ones... But they soon escape... somehow, and find a kingdom of fairies and the movie just gave up. What is even happening?! How did we get here? What's going on!? Blah, blah, blah, the king of the fairies repeats what we already know and Taran has to destroy the device before the Horned King figures out how to use it.

They managed to break into his castle and finally confront the Horned King, Gurgi sacrifices himself so the ritual can be stopped causing the Black Cauldron to go out of control and suck in anything that's near it. The Horned King go and grabs Taran only to... lightly shove him off like he has a stain on his sleeve.

The Horned King get's a gruesome death as his remaining flesh is ripped off and he basically get's vaporized. The castle soon crumbles as Taran, Token Girl, and Bard escape. Oh yeah, we're also introduced these three hags out of nowhere who said they will safeguard it so mankind won't use it anymore. And Gurgi survives because fuck you that's why.

And they walk off to lands unknown.

... The fuck just happened?

ANIMATION

The animation is gritty, dark and detailed. It almost resembles something out of D&D sometimes. But... the pacing moves so slow that by the time the action picks up, you're already bored.

SOUNDS AND VOICE

It's pretty solid and the voices fit the characters. Perhaps too well. Taran is a daydreaming moron, the Princess is annoying and is just there, the Bard's presence is useless and Gurgi is only used for "Wah, he died" moment. And the Horned King is a useless sack of shit who sits on his ass.

Now, he might be a mastermind, a thinker not a fighter. But SHOW us! He does nothing and he goes out like a bitch. He's actually kind of... lame.

MUSIC

It has some orchestral sounds, and I swear, the Horned King's theme sounds strangely like Gozer's from Ghostbuster's. Makes sense, the same composer after all.

FINAL THOUGHTS AND SCORE

The Black Cauldron hyped itself so much only to be a financial failure. Nowadays it's getting a cult following because of the concept that didn't realize its full potential and the animation style. But to me, I could hardly give a shit. It bored me to fucking tears when I watched this when I was a kid. It just didn't do it for me.

I watched the whole film and felt nothing for these characters and the story.

So my final rating for this film is...

4/10

It's average and boring. That's all I can say. If you like this movie, that's good. It just didn't do anything for me.

REWRITE

To be honest, I'm not sure. I guess make the Horned King involved some more and show himself as a strategist than a lazy ass. The characters also need some more development as well as the world they're in.
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
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The Pebble and the Penguin Review
Embarrassing Moments at E3
The movie everyone was waiting for back then only to exclaim... Meh.

Keywords
vent 1,276, review 202
Details
Type: Writing - Document
Published: 2 weeks, 3 days ago
Rating: General

MD5 Hash for Page 1... Show Find Identical Posts [?]
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2 comments

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ProfesseurRenard
1 week, 1 day ago
As I recall, the heroes actually got captured (apart from Gurgi), and that’s how they ended up back at the castle of the Horned King at the climax. Also the film was loosely based on a series of books by Lloyd Alexander that were, in turn, based on Welsh mythology (so you can partially blame the Welsh for the double-‘f’s in Fflewddur’s name). This was the film that introduced me to Sir John Hurt (the Horned King). Sigh, you’ll be missed, John.
boyninja12
1 week, 1 day ago
I was aware of the novel, but this still didn't translate very well. And yeah, John Hurt was pretty great in this.
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