No! I thought I was done! Why am I brought back to the Don Bluth Dork Age of movies?! Ugh. Fine. The Pebble and the Penguin, this was really the final nail in the coffin before he went on to make Anastasia which was huge improvement. ... Only for Titan A.E to fuck it all up with its mixed reception. Oh well. Let's not waste any time, this is a Pebble and the Penguin.
Our story begins with a female narrator played by... Shani Wallis? Uh, okay. Who drones on to say that penguins give out pebbles to their soon to be mates for companionship and a little something something. ... It's basically to get laid-ANYWAYS! We start off in... music sheet land? The fuck? Why are we starting here?
And the music is, uh... not great in this. And it's composed by-son of a bitch. Barry Manilow again? The same guy who made the lyrics to Thumbelina? Which also had a Razzie Award for Worst Song ever in an animated picture. Oh, we're in good hands. So we have our main characters, Marin and Hubie with Hubie being smitten with her despite the fact he's never hold a conversation.
He also has this annoying habit where he stutters and stuff. It gets annoying very quickly. The narration goes on to say that he has a way with women and that he treats them right. You'll quickly find out that's a load of shit. We're also introduced our main villain voiced by Tim Curry of all people. His name is Drake and-what the fuck is this design?!
Why is he so huge and muscular? Why does he have a hawk slash wolf's head on his body? And come to think of it, why do these penguin have teeth and such THICK hips and thighs?! What the FUCK Don Bluth!? Anyways, Hubie wants to be with Marina because she's sexy and Drake wants to be with her because he wants to mate.
Oh that's great. She has a choice with either a guy who's full of lust and wants her body, or the creepy guy who goes: "Durr, she pretty." Either way, she's fighting a losing battle here. So the chase is on to find the perfect pebble but Hubie doesn't get it and wishes on a star for the pebble to give to Marina. Yes, really.
This is so Disney, it hurts... And suddenly, a rock falls towards the Earth and somehow Hubie doesn't die of radiation poisoning and finds the perfect pebble because of Plot Convenience. Just when he's about to present it, Drake shows up and leaves Hubie stranded on an iceberg to be carried away to God knows where.
Drake: Hope you can swim better than you can t-t-talk! Hahaha!
Uhm... He's a penguin so yes? Wait, why doesn't he just swim back-oh who am I kidding... So I'm sure we'll get a scene where we find out where he drifted off-or we cut to him in a cage on a fishing boat. What. I swear, I didn't leave things out or edit this. That's how it happened. He drifts away on an iceberg, fades to black, and now suddenly in a cage.
We get a music number from the captives that it's useless to escape and should resign their selves to their fate and slit their wrists. ... Oh, wait. That last part doesn't happen, but Jesus, this is morbid and depressing. We then enter our other main character name Rocko. And no, not the one from Rocko's Modern Life.
He's the "Comedy Relief" character. You can tell because he has the bushiest eyebrows. Hubie then gazes into the stone and see's... wait, what? Drake and Marina talking about what his motives are and what is happening right now?! So the space rock can see people from certaain distances, or it's like a vision? How does this stupid rock work exactly? Well guess what? It's never explained. Ever.
Drake explains that if Marina doesn't become his mate before the moon comes up tomorrow, she'll be banished. That... doesn't sound too bad actually. This isn't much of a conflict is it? Hubie decides to enlist Rocko for some help so he can get back and take the fight to Drake, but Rocko refuses as he see's Hubie useless. But the creep lusting for Marina suggests he can provide a distraction and they escape.
We then wind up in some beach area... Is it Hawaii? I have no idea nor do I care, and they talk about what to do onwards. Rocko has a dream that he wants to fly, despite the fact penguins are not known to fly at all, and of course like a good friend, Hubie laughs his ass off at this. God, I hate this character.
Rocko wants nothing to do with Hubie, as he should, and decides to follow his own path and follow his moronic dream. Hubie get's an idea and lies and says that he knows a guy named Waldo who can teach him to fly. Rocko, being the gullible idiot that he is, quickly agrees and joins Hubie to find this Waldo and made their way to Drake's hideout.
We get a musical number of Drake being Meany McEvil Penguin while Marina sings a song because she's sad. NEXT! So as you may have quickly noticed, the story is a complete clusterfuck and disjointed mess. I have no idea what is going on or what the conflict is. There doesn't seem to be any incentive for hurrying up.
"Oh no! If I don't hurry, she'll be banished and be free from Drake and holy shit I just realized how dumb this is." So Hubie and Rocko arrive on some island and Hubie decides to come clean and admit that Waldo never existed and that he's just a character from some children's books. Okay, okay, he doesn't say that. But he might as well.
Understandably, Rocko is pissed off that he was used by a pathetic weakling who wants to bang Marina and starts to choke him to death. Yes! Give this character the death he deserves movie! And suddenly... Hubie makes chocking noises and they suddenly become friends again. I'm sorry, what? What the fuck just happened?
God, this movie is giving me a headache. So, I guess we're all cool now. Yay. They travel some more as they hijack another ship apparently. Am I losing my mind here? Or are there certain scenes missing? How did we get on a ship? Why are we here? And most importantly of all, WHERE'S THE STORY?!
Blah, blah, blah, fluff happens and they decide to get something to eat as they go in the water. Oh, now Hubie decides to actually swim you piece of useless shit. But uh-oh, a seal comes along and tries to eat them and Hubie almost loses the pebble, oh yeah, remember that? I didn't, and I'm convinced the movie forgot too.
They get out and have an argument only to make up again and sing a terrible music number of being best fwends. Fucking kill me. Hubie and Rocko find Drake's hideout which seriously looks like Castle Greyskull if it was modeled from a cliff. But oh shit, they're attacked by killer whales and Hubie loses the pebble, Rocko sacrifices himself to draw the whales away and find the stone.
Oh no. I guess he's really dead. No way this can be a fake death. No sir. Hubie makes it and see's Drake with Marina and challenges him to a fight. How do you think this is gonna go? Will Hubie...
A) Beg for mercy once he realizes he's outmatched? B) Do a piss poor standup routine to distract Drake and then take Marina away? C) Goes into a fetal position and rethink his life decisions? 4) Picks a fight with Drake only to be beaten instantly?
If you picked any of the options except 4, clearly, you're watching the wrong movie. Hubie get's his ass kicked easily and after a pep talk from his friends, he beats the shit out of Drake and saves Marina. Ah, I see. Excessive violence will earn you true love. Duh! Oh, and Rocko survived. Yeah, had me going there movie. But wait! Drake's still alive and wants to crush the trio.
Unfortunately, his hideout is built over Deus Ex Machina materials and he's crushed to death by debris. Jesus, that's dark. But now Hubie, Marina and Rocko are screwed. As Hubie and Marina fall to their deaths, Rocko dives in to save them and he starts to... f-fly...? He's flying? How the fuck is he flying?! He's not flapping his wings! He's floating and everything!
No! I want an explanation movie! How the fuck is this even happening right now?! When did Rocko learn he could do this!? And then the movie ends. So... what was the point of the pebble again? Oh right, nothing. Just like this whole movie.
Don Bluth animation is good. That's all you need to know. But the designs for these characters are fucking awful. Why are the female penguins so thick and curvy? Why are the males have varying sizes and shapes? And why do they wear clothes? I HAVE SO MANY QUESTIONS!
VOICE AND SOUNDS
They're doing an alright job, but the scrip fucking sucks. It's quite clear it's unfinished.
Some of the music is good, but others are forgettable and the musical numbers all suck. I couldn't remember a single one.
FINAL THOUGHTS AND SCORE
If A Troll In Central Park was the death knell of Don Bluth, The Pebble and the Penguin pretty much sealed the deal and concludes the Dork Age for Don Bluth. Why are some of these movies so rushed and unfinished? Why are they made in such a hurry? Could they be suffering this bad financially and creatively? Well, regardless, these movies suck.
My final score is...
I can see what it was trying to do, but the overall plot is summed up with: "Hubie wants to get laid, Drake is a jerkass and steals his girl Marina. Go get her back. The End." That's seriously it. This film sucks and pretty much solidifies that Don Bluth is running out of ideas at this time.
Okay, the original script needs to be burned because we need to start this over. But to be honest, I'm not sure how. Maybe make Drake some corrupt penguin king or something and he always get's what he wants? Maybe? Look, I don't know. These movies are terrible.