Room 500 - Bad Wolf
Tuesday. Sam was sitting at the desk with the big phone. He answers it. "Room service."
"Hello? Bellhop?" shouts a hamster with a rastafarian. The room he was in had very loud music playing. "I'm in room 500, and I need some ice."
"Ice. 500. Okay, I will be with you momentarily." Sam goes to the meat locker and retrieves the ice. He scans the halls and approaches a door with faded numbers that look like "500." He opens the door and enters the dark room. "Hello?" he asks. "Anyone here?"
"What did you expect, Samuel?" an ominous voice asks back. "A fuckin' floor show?" The lights switch on and Sam finds a Walther PPK-type pistol pointed at his muzzle, ready to fire. He drops the bucket of ice. Holding the gun is a drunken timberwolf with a badass look on his face and a gorgeous leopard bound and gagged in a chair behind him.
"This is room 500, isn't it?" Sam asks. The timberwolf pries the cap off a beer bottle with his own teeth and drinks from the bottle, emptying it in just eight seconds and tossing it onto the floor. Sam mutters, "I've obviously come at a very bad time."
"Let's not belabor the fact that you have no sense of timing," the wolf says in a drunken voice. "What matters is you're here. And I couldn't think of a better time to get to know your 'crush' than during her 'Appreciation Month.'"
"There's obviously been a big mistake. My name is Samuel. I'm the bellhop."
Before he could say anything else, the wolf knocks Sam to the floor with his gun. "Let's cut to the chase, okay?"
"Okay."
"Good. Now, repeat after me: I, Samuel, admit that I have told others that you slept with another man." Sam repeats these words to the leopard. "Are you satisfied?" the wolf asks her. "Do you accept his apology?" The leopard does not say anything. "It's always like this," he tells Sam. "She always gets the last word. It's a one-way road with her. I give everything and get nothing. If you'll excuse me, I have to lift a leg." He heads for the bathroom. The leopard spits the gag out and draws her attention to Sam.
"I've no idea how to get out of here!" Sam shouts to her.
"I'll tell you how," she said. "Under the bed, there is a gun. It's loaded."
"Were you thinking of shooting your husband?"
"Who ever said he was my husband?" Suddenly, the bathroom door opens. The wolf gives an icy stare at the scene. "Like I was begginning to trust you, Sam!" he blared, before plunging forward towards him. He misses, falls on the floor and begins to shake violently. "The pills, Sam. The nitro pills!" he shouts to Sam. "Go to the medicine cabinet and get them!"
Sam heads for the bathroom, which looks like a total mess. Sam searches the cabinet for a bottle marked "Nitro." No luck. He then turns around to find an open window. Figuring that this was his chance to escape, he makes a run for it. Sam manages to get his head and arms through before he gets stuck. His legs dangle in the bathroom.
Outside, he's in another world, almost safe. It's a strange feeling, kind of like bathing in warm water in paradise, knowing a huge shark is ready to rip his ass off. Sam can hear loud music from the floor above. He twists himself around to find the hamster who asked for ice earlier. Sam collects himself and tells the hamster, "I am stuck in a situation that I can't begin to explain...sir?"
"Ice..."
Sam pulls back into the bathroom just as the hamster hurls vomit in Sam's direction. Sam props himself up and looks around the bedroom, only to find that the wolf had passed out. "I couldn't find the nitro," Sam tells the distraught leopard.
"You took long enough," she replies. "Now get me out of this thing." Suddenly, the wolf gets up from the floor, alive and well. "You clever bastard!" she growls at him. "No wonder we're stuck in this mess. You had me scared for two minutes, and I could care less about your health and more about Sam's huge dick." Her words hit the wolf like bullets to the chest. "He has a huge dick?" he whimpers.
"Face it. God made up for what he did to Gumby with Sam." The wolf and the leopard turn to Sam.
"Show it to me."
"Show him that sucker."
"Just stop talking about his cock!"
"It's hard to stop talking about something so huge. I could go on and on about his cock. His bone, nob, bishop, wang, thang, rod, hotrod, hump mobile, Oscar, dong, dagger, banana, cucumber, salami, sausage, kielbasa..." She blares the words at the wolf, whose enthusiasm diminishes and he starts to bend on his knees and cry. Meanwhile, Sam figures this to be his moment to make a move and bolts for the door. He walks down the hall and runs into a gerbil.
"Do you know where room 400 is?" he asks.
"Look hard enough," Sam responds. "It's around here somewhere." The gerbil takes off in the direction Sam is walking from. The door SLAMS on room 400. A voice inside says, "What did you expect, Samuel? A fuckin' floor show?"
