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random thoughts

by RadLizer

Since i have staked my claim here on inkbunny now for several months i have thought more about my art and life and what direction i want to go with it as well as some other random musings.

I'm going to keep trying to learn and pick up everything i can. It's a good distraction at the very least,

for those of you who are new to my page/content a bit about me.

I'm a live in caregiver for my grandpa, he's 98 and nobody else is able to fill that role for him so i am trying to do right by him and help him out in his final years. though for every give there is take and i have uprooted myself to be here for him, i don't have any friends nearby (let alone furries) or a social circle here and there is absolutely nothing to do in this town so i bury myself in my work.

i have some personal projects i am working on (that sci fi comic with the fish dude you see every now and then) that i am whittling at but i am a slow writer and a bit of a perfectionist. so it is slow going.

i want to be fiscally stable, so that i can support myself with my work, i am very thrifty but i still worry if i am making enough to "make it" and that eats at me a bit as i hate to be a burden on others.

my social anxiety is still there but its not nearly as bad as it used to be. but i still struggle with impostor syndrome and i still have trust issues with strangers (its hard for me to open up to people) as i by default expect them to use me and dump me when i am no longer of use or convenient for them.

often time i ruminate on all my failed "friendships" that puttered out when neither of us had anything to say to one another and i felt i was just being either too clingy or too distant and it washes over me like a wave of regret, but you cant change the past so i try to not let it get me.

anyway i just wanted to share what was on my mind and be a little more open about how i feel since i tend to keep my feelings private and to myself! this is not a cry for help just wanted to vent a bit.

Viewed:	113 times
Added:	3 months, 3 weeks ago 26 Nov 2024 01:22 CET

11 Comments on this Journal

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PoorSal

3 months, 3 weeks ago

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Thanks for sharing <3

RadLizer

3 months, 3 weeks ago

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@ PoorSal

ofc, i hope stuff gets better for you too i saw your most recent journal but i didn't have anything to say that wasn't already said

PoorSal

3 months, 3 weeks ago

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@ RadLizer

Thank you, thank you. We both have this!

Zenobius

3 months, 3 weeks ago

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Hey Rad, first of all, I'm sorry to hear that you've been dealing with all of these issues. When it comes to your work, I would say, don't worry about it too much, especially your comic project. I've been working on my game project (that I restarted a few times) for almost 2 years now? Right now, it feels like a slog to get over that mountain, to get to that stage of 'finishing' it and the more you finish, the more you realize what needs to be done. Eventually you will finish your comic project, don't worry about it. *hugs*

Perfectionism is both a blessing and a curse: On one hand you just want your project to be good and enjoyable but on the other hand you don't want to rush things and end up with a "what-could've-been". I understand the worry all too much. Just remember that you're doing the very best you can and people will be able to see the passion you'll put into your works. :3

I also find it really admirable that you're taking care of your grandfather, shows that you have a strong character and care about others and I'm sure your grandfather greatly appreciates that you're trying to be there for him in his final days. I don't think many people would be capable of that.

As for socializing: I greatly suck at it, haha~ but I'm always happy to chat with friends, even if I haven't seen (or talked to) them in eons. That being said: keep up the good work, I truly wish you the best. *hugs* ^^

RadLizer

3 months, 3 weeks ago

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@ Zenobius

Oh yeah you're right i just need to accept it will take a while and enjoy the process more that has been something i have ruminated on a lot. I also agree with you, perfectionism can be a good thing and a bad thing as well i will try to take that to heart.

i had no idea that you were working on a game that is super cool *hugs* is there info about it in your gallery?

and aw thank you, im happy to be here for him, he helped raise me and im thankful he is still around <3

i also suck pretty bad at socializing but i appreciate friends that stick by my side ^^

thanks for taking the time to respond i greatly appreciate it

Zenobius

3 months, 3 weeks ago

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@ RadLizer

No problem, it's very healthy to just see it as a hobby project that you're tinkering on, makes it way more manageable in the long-run and makes it easier to get back to but yeah, the perfectionist bug can often bite and it's hard to move on. *hugs*

And yes, I posted about it here: https://inkbunny.net/s/2912211 I'm going for a 3D platform / adventure game for my magnum opus, essentially the game I've always wanted but no-one ever wanted to make so I had to take matters into my own hands. Haha~

You're very welcome buddy, here's hoping that everything goes well for you. ^^

RadLizer

3 months, 3 weeks ago

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@ Zenobius

very well put, and i looked at that game you are working on it looks very promising and you are pacing yourself well working on the bones and mechanics before getting in the weeds of story and visual polish i dig it a lot and look forward to seeing more about it <3 *hugs*

Zenobius

3 months, 3 weeks ago

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@ RadLizer

Thank you very much, I've ran into problems myself when I started 10 years ago and read up on a lot of indie-horror stories, so I'm trying to curb most of those and do what the professionals often tell people: "Scope small" by which they mean: Have a good foundation going before building levels.

Kind of like drawing or tellling stories, it's always best to work out the rough state / sketches first before adding details. ^^

RunawayDanish

3 months, 3 weeks ago

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I can relate, I did 2 years of in-home assisted living work with developmentally disabled adults and 5 years of work in the clinician role at a rehab before abruptly having to shift to supporting myself with my art. Then my frontal lobe started disintegrating and I couldn't do that anymore, and the feeling of being an absolute drain never leaves.

But it's not like the feeling was absent in the first place. Treatment resistant, life-long existential depression isn't a recognized diagnosis in the DSM but we talk about it in professional circles a lot. Some folks just can't pull out of their cosmic context of ultimately being small and of limited value and utility, a lot of impostor syndrome comes from that awareness of your limitations, and it's okay to feel overwhelmed.

Being in the caregiver role also puts undue amounts of pressure on you at a baseline. Every day has to include your charge's schedule, needs, and you have to be flexible and 'on shift' all of the time. From 2020 through to 2023, I was in this role and to this day I still keep ties with my former roommates- all of whom are neurodiverse queers who often need guidance in life. Gimped as I am, I still have my obligations to my people and every day is a struggle to be there for them when they need me. It's an unromantic position when you're doing assisted living as well, be it with family or for professional purposes, I've given many very-mentally-impaired adult men sponge baths because they couldn't bathe themselves.

In short, you're doing good for what you have. It's very easy to see your situation and how it could improve and forget that it takes two to tango, reality is always player 2 with many variables making their moves that we couldn't possibly hope to predict. It takes strength and character to live the kind of life you're living, and the isolation of caregiving is very well known. Please take care of yourself, and if you ever want to connect I'm sometimes able to reply (my brain withstanding), you can find me on Discord under the same screenname. I'm always 'offline' but almost always able to get back to people within 12-24hrs, narcolepsy and what not withstanding, if that isn't too much of a commitment hit me up.

RadLizer

3 months, 3 weeks ago

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@ RunawayDanish

oh man that is a wild ride i didnt know you had gone through all that.
i guess you are right its all a matter of perspective it could be worse and so on its just a lot to carry on my shoulders.
i appreciate you taking the time to write this out and i will try to reach out to you on discord <3