August 5th, 1983 was my birthday, and, as I am getting on in years for people with some of my problems, I thought I'd take a look at myself today. All told, It's pretty good.
I have made decisions that cultivated a healthy relationship with my husband and my friends, I live in a stable house, and I have the things I need, and even some of the things I want. Most importantly, I feel like I earned them. Like I deserve them. Being disabled teaches you a lot about entitlements, and deserving things, for better or for worse, and it's left me with a desire to deserve, to prove that I'm just as good as any other person.
Growing up, I was pushed to have to exceed at everything, to believe that someone of my intelligence should be able to fix everything and make the world right. As I got older, I realized that was silly. You can't fix the world because it isn't broken, It's still formative. It's always going to be formative, evolving and changing as time and sentiment dictates. You don't change the world, because it's not yours to change, it belongs to everyone, and we all push and pull on our own little parts of it.
The thing to do, I have found, is not to try to shape the world, but to just participate in the world. I feel like, through my writing, my personal interactions, and most of all through Chay Plays, I make people in my little sphere of the world feel happier, and that's all I need to do.
I'm not going to be rich, or popular, or any of that stuff. It would probably be good, but I don't have to be. If I continue to live a quiet,inoffensive life and make other people's lives a little better, I'll have done my part, and I can go on without any regrets when the time comes.
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7 years, 9 months ago
05 Aug 2017 18:58 CEST
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