I didn't always frown so much. Used to not look so tired day after day. It might be the possibility of that tumor in my skull. Could be all the things I saw before it began. My back used to feel like a back, not a single sharp bit of pain every moment of the day. I forget what it felt like...I forget. There goes my legs...
I always wanted to talk with the other kids, wanted to play and pretend. Fill my imagination and my worlds so I could make it a reality. I didn't play so well with kids; they thought I was always too weird. Now when someone wants to talk with me I start to feel sick. MY hands are always shaking..I can't draw like I used to. I sometimes have vomited after talking with people. There goes my hands...
I didn't know what love was and I was happy with an abusive relationship. I felt raped but I couldn't talk to people. Who wants to hear about rape when you're a guy? Fuck you, and suck it up. I detest the human form. Sex terrifies me. I want to be loved....I don't feel loved... There goes my heart...
Everyone who seems to message me just wants something. They want information. They want to use me. They say they like what I do but they don't want to support me. I can't even distinguish who is real or who is after something. I treat them all the same and speak like a robot. Stay away from me. I can't be too silly, I can't be so formal. I can't be me, I can't be respected, I can't be liked. I am just a voice behind text. I don't feel human. I feel sterilized.
There goes my humanity.
He comes to me and we talk for a bit. I'm so tired. I'm always so tired. We keep talking. Speak of dreams. He's patient with me, thinks all the things I'm saying are wrong with me, are cute. I feel wrong. I've wanted to die for so long. I feel like the world has ended for me so many times. I wanted to die but I'm so angry with everyone, just living is my spite. He takes away the anger.
I can feel his hands taking mine. He starts dragging me, looking at all those flaws. I'll never have my youth back. My back will never stop hurting. My hands will never stop shaking. My virginity, my purity will never be given back. He has the patience when no one else around me wanted to.
I've lost so much. He gave me more.
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Published:
9 years, 8 months ago
06 Apr 2015 05:44 CEST
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