Some days when I wake up I feel so sick in my stomach. My head is hurting and my eyes are stinging. I'm always a half hour up before I'm supposed to actually wake so maybe that's my true time now. My dreams are filled with triangles and sharp edges, things of smoke and masks. Twisting hallways and tall figures that enjoy taking the numbers right out of your brain.
It feels good to walk sometimes even when my hip is hurting me. I look to the skies when it's cloudy and want to run but it's so hard. An unapologetic man hit us at a stop light so many years ago. I can run but I wouldn't want to. Might throw up if I try too hard. You get used to the pain some days, some days.
I'm terrified of conversation even though I'm a chatter box. I love to share knowledge but I get antsy because most people just stare at me in an odd way. I've got a book of acquaintances and two friends that make a world. They're nice people and I'm always too sorry they bare my abnormalities of conduct.
Work is a strange place and I want to try my best. I'm always smiling but it's hard on me to be light hearted with the people there. We're all a bit on edge because some of us work two or three jobs. It's hard to smile when you're exhausted. You lose a bit of humanity in the schedule. They scare me sometimes.
I wander my way back home and sit, trying to distract myself with something. Books, I love reading but sometimes I'm gnawed at by my senses. Video games take me places but the left hand portion of my skull is pulsing. It wants action. All this time for myself and yet I just can't have it that way. I get sick sometimes so I lie down with a hole in my stomach and tremors in my heart. I dream of gears grinding and a pyramid with infinite sides. I wake up terrified and feel the crushing weight of self imposed time. Choices in the day and night. Tis Ta Choice. Altocmu...I need a vacation from the vacation and a new brain.
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10 years, 4 months ago
21 Feb 2015 18:33 CET
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