Pokémon Schnapps/Tequila/Daiquiri
By: Rakuen Growlithe
AN: I had been playing the Pokémon Black rom and listening to a bunch of Jimmy Carr performances when I started thinking of a whole bunch of little jokes about pokémon. I then decided I needed more to be able to post anything so I added in a bit of a satirical parody about the game. Some jokes were inspired by other people, mostly my sister. If people like it, I could write more. A thank you goes to Guri for the beta read and contributing and expanding a few jokes.
Chapter 1: Pilot
"Who names a region after a bodily function? Where are you from? Well I'm from Isshu. Bless you. And where do you come from? I was born in the Hachoo Islands. At least they're keeping to emissions from the top end of the body."
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Everyone goes around training, knocking out wild pokémon and then they just leave them there. There must be bodies scattered all through the grass. I suppose it makes easy pickings for the carnivorous pokémon at least. And who wants herbivores to make up a fighting team?
"Look, a trainer! Let's just let him hunt for us."
And speaking of those bodies how come you can't catch a pokémon after you KO it? Does the pokéball only work on conscious pokémon? How does it tell the difference between asleep and unconscious?
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How come people black out after their pokémon are KOed? We'll ignore the racist overtones of those that white out in the later games.
"Don't say black out, the niggers will stab us."
But seriously, your pokémon get KOed and then you wake up at the last pokémon centre. How did you get there? And why don't you go to the nearest city? You could be at the entrance to a city but then go back a whole dungeon to the last centre? Is someone following you and forcing some weird rules on you or are pokémon rangers just that vindictive? And why don't those other trainers you beat get knocked out? Are they going to just stand there forever because now they can't get home?
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Wild kakuna attacked. Seriously? How can a kakuna attack me? It can't even move! It's the battle I'm least looking forward to in the pokémon league. Both trainers on their last pokémon, and it's Kakuna Vs. Magikarp.
Kakuna used harden, it's defence rose.
Magicarp used splash, it has no effect.
Kakuna used harden, it's defense rose.
Magicarp used splash, it has no effect.
Kakuna used harden, it's defense rose.
Magicarp used splash, it has no effect.
Okay... please kill me now. I would but neither harden nor splash can! Eventually they're just going to have to throw their pokémon at each other until someone faints.
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Welcome to the world of pokémon. Pokémon are creatures in this world. Some live wild, some people keep them as pets and some see them as their friends. Most people prefer to hunt down wild pokémon, trap them in tiny cages that are smaller than the pokémon itself and only release them when they force them to fight one another until one is knocked out. Fun! Come join our hero as he embarks on his very own adventure in the world of pokémon.
First, are you a boy or a girl?
"What? Can't you tell? I'm a boy!"
Of course. What's your name?
"I'm Puddle."
This is your best friend. What's his name?
"His name is Tom."
This is a guy you dislike. What's he called again?
"Ugh, that's Dick."
This is your dad, who makes no appearance in this story. Ever. Not even a tiny mentioning. It's really strange. What was his name?
"Search me. I would call him Dad but since he doesn't feature let's just assume it's Harry."
Puddle was excited because it was the day he was finally going to get a pokémon of his own. He rushed downstairs to find his mum waiting for him.
"I'm so proud of you, Puddle," she praised, neglecting both to reference to his father and an opportunity to build a back-story or possible sub-plot. "You seem so grown up. 10 Years-old. You really are naïve, probably can't take care of yourself and haven't even reached puberty but I don't see any reason not to let you wander alone in a world inhabited by dangerous monsters."
"Thanks Mum, I love you too," replied Puddle.
"I have a few things that will help you on your journey. Here's a watch, with a radio, cellphone, map and calender all built in. It really reflects the increase in technology since you were just given a map and bag. Goodbye and good luck on your journey."
"Goodbye."
"Hello, Puddle. I am Professor Potato. I have three pokémon here for you to choose from."
Before Puddle had an opportunity to pick, Dick burst into the lab.
"I want a pokémon too!" ejaculated Dick.
"Of course. You can choose from the same three. They must be fairly common for me to just give them away to starting trainers and yet I can assure you that you will never see any of them in the wild."
Puddle was startled by Dick's sudden entrance and, since he had no idea who to take, made him an offer. "You can choose first if you'd like."
"Puh," scoffed Dick. "Not likely. You choose first then I can pick the one that has a type advantage against yours, declare you my rival and constantly show up and pick fights with you for ever and ever."
"Um... That really doesn't sound so nice."
"Of course not! I'm called Dick for a reason."
Puddle sweat-dropped. Perhaps the reason for his name?
"Alright," announced Puddle, "I'll take Cyndaquil."
"Then I'll take Totodile," countered Dick, snatching up the water-type ball.
"Actually, I changed my mind."
Puddle quickly replaced the pokéball he was holding and picked up the one that contained Chikorita.
"I want Cyndaquil then!" protested Dick, grabbing for the pokéball but had his hand knocked aside by Puddle.
"No backsies!"
Puddle quickly threw the ball to Prof. Potato and run out the lab before Dick could complain any more.
Puddle had just set foot out of his home town of Herpes when a voice called out to him.
"Wait!"
Puddle stopped and turned to see Prof. Potato accompanied by Dick.
"Before you go, I need to show you how to catch pokémon," explained Prof. Potato.
"But I already know how," countered Puddle. "I spent my whole life dreaming about becoming a pokémon trainer, watching the indigo league on TV and sending hundreds of entries to win a Pokémon League baseball cap. Pokémon are a major and integral part of our life in this world and I share my home town with a world-renowned pokémon researcher. Taking all this into account what kind of idiot would I be if I didn't have a basic understanding of how to capture and train pokémon? And there is certainly no chance that I would've grown up without even being able to identify the local pokémon."
As it turns out, Puddle had never heard of Ash.
Prof. Potato shrugged, "Suit yourself. In any case here are five pokéballs each. Good luck on your journey."
Before Puddle had a chance to go to the next town, Dick stopped him and demanded a battle. "Before we go out into the world we need to see how good our pokémon actually are."
"I really have no interest in battling you..." protested Puddle, an entreaty that was, naturally, ignored.
"Let's go, Totodile!" called Dick, releasing the blue, crocodile-like pokémon.
With considerably less enthusiasm Puddle responded, "Chikorita, out you come."
Chikorita was a grass pokémon with lime-green colouring and a type-advantage over Totodile.
"Use tackle, Totodile!" ordered Dick.
Foe Totodile used tackle.
"Chikorita, you use tackle too!" countered Puddle.
Chikorita used tackle.
The two pokémon took it in turns to bash into each other, slowly weakening the other, with no finesse or hint of their true power.
"Don't you think this may have been slightly more interesting if you'd waited till they knew something other than tackle?" Puddle inquired.
"Point taken," Dick responded. "Totodile, use tail whip!"
The blue pokémon span around, knocking Chikorita slightly off-balance and leaving him more vulnerable to further attacks. In retrospect Dick would realise that tail whip would've been a better way to start the battle and, at their level, the loss of a turn was quite serious. Chikorita's next hit knocked Totodile unconscious.
Foe Totodile has fainted. Chikorita receives 500 exp. Dick was defeated. Puddle receives ₤ 215 for winning.
"Puh! Well that was waste of time," sighed Dick, returning Totodile to his pokéball. "I've got a world to explore and pokémon to catch. I can't let myself be slowed down by weaklings like you."
"Um... I just beat you..." observed Puddle, but Dick had already disappeared.
Puddle made his way through the long grass, navigating past the unconscious wild pokémon that previous trainers had already dealt with, until someone spotted him.
"If you don't want to battle you should avoid eye contact with people," a kid advised.
"What eye contact? I wasn't even looking in your direction!" protested Puddle.
"The time for talking has past, let your pokémon do the talking now."
Bug catcher Timothy has challenged Puddle to a battle.
Bug catcher Timothy sent out Weedle.
"Oh boy..." moaned Puddle. "This is going to be a long trip."
Puddle sent out Chikorita.
Chikorita used Tackle.
Foe Weedle used String shot. Chikorita's speed fell.
Foe Weedle used Poison sting. It's not very effective...
Chikorita used tackle.
Foe Weedle used String shot. Chikorita's speed fell.
"Now what was the point of that?" asked Puddle. "Weedle's already faster and you can only attack once per turn. Talk about a wasted move."
"You battle your way and I'll battle my way. We'll see who wins."
"…"
Chikorita used tackle. Foe Weedle fainted. Chikorita gained 134 exp. Chikorita has grown to Lvl 6. Bug Catcher Timothy was defeated. Puddle receives ₤122 for winning.
"It seems your pokémon really trusts you," observed Timothy.
"That didn't have much to do with trust... Really..."
"I want you to have this potion. It will let you heal your pokémon when they are weak."
Puddle received potion. Puddle put the potion in the medicine pocket. Which is kind of where you'd expect someone to put their medicine.
Puddle continued to make his way along Route 616, having a hellish time doing it. Despite the knowledge that pokémon randomly attacked in the long grass and the complete inability to spot even the largest pokémon in the foliage no one had thought it a good idea to build a road from one city to next. Even when there was a road Puddle found his path impeded by trainers who seemingly had no goal in life except to stand in one place and accost passing travellers. Eventually he came across a new sign that rose his spirits again, "Welcome to Gonorrhoea."
"At last," sighed Puddle, going straight to the pokémon centre to heal Chikorita.
No sooner had he entered the pokémon centre than a woman in a lab-coat came up to him. He vaguely remembered her as one of Prof. Potato's assistants.
"I'm glad I caught up to you," started the assistant. "Prof. Potato has something that she wants to give you and asked me to tell you to come back."
"...How did you get past me?"
"What do you mean?"
"There's only one route from Herpes to Gonorrhoea and no one came past me."
The assistant just smiled, "Don't bother yourself about that. You should go see Prof. Potato."
"Why couldn't you bring the item for me?"
"Well I suppose I could have," admitted the assistant, "but then you wouldn't have been able to enjoy the fresh air and thrill of walking back and forth."
"Yeah, I would've really missed that," Puddle sarcastically replied.
Puddle healed his pokémon then, slumped in resignation, made his way past all the unnecessarily aggressive trainers, who were now standing around like zombies, and surprisingly well-concealed wild pokémon back to Herpes.
"I heard you have something for me," Puddle stated once he reached Prof. Potato.
"Ah! Puddle! I'm glad you came. I'm busy working on a digital encyclopaedia of all pokémon but I don't have the time to go wandering around the world to find them. I'd like you to take this pokédex and record the pokémon that you find for me."
Puddle received the pokédex from Prof. Potato.
"How many pokémon are in the pokédex so far?" asked Puddle.
"Well... none."
"So you want me to do all of your research while you sit here? How much credit am I going to get?"
"Absolutely none. It's my pokédex."
"Didn't I hear about Prof. Oak, Prof. Elm, Prof. Rowan and so on doing the same thing? What happened to that data?"
"Who knows. It's certainly not on my pokédex. You'll have to start from scratch."
"…" Puddle felt his eye twitching.
"All you have to do is see the pokémon and the pokédex will automatically collect the information. Except you don't get all the data unless you actually hold the pokémon in a pokéball."
"So, I should ask to borrow other people's pokémon for a few seconds?"
"No! Of course not. You can't borrow other people's pokémon. That might... Well, I'm sure there's a good reason not to do it."
"So I'm supposed to go around, capturing hundreds of pokémon that I probably won't ever let out of their balls?"
"Exactly!"
"So why don't you just put cameras up in the grass or something to at least start the project?"
"Because you're free! Now go out there and find as many pokémon as you can. You should probably travel to the gyms and collect badges. That will help expose you to as many pokémon as possible."
"I'd like to expose your face to as many pokémon as possible."
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At the end of any battle you have to go the pokémon centre. Here's the bit that always gets me. After she heals your pokémon Nurse Joy hands them over and says, "We hope to see you again soon." What? You hope my pokémon become seriously injured and need to go to hospital? I get a feeling there's a lack of compassion in this centre. Then again what can you expect from a company dedicated to encouraging violence. It's as if the SPCA suddenly decided to open a clinic for people involved in dog fighting.
"Have you got a husky yet?"
"I traded my Dachshund for an Alsatian and it really knocked that Poodle out."
"Let's fight our dogs."
"Welcome to the SPCA, would you like us to treat your dogs? Here we go, we hope to see you again soon."
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What's the big idea with gym badges and their abilities. If I have a certain badge more pokémon will listen to me and I can use abilities outside of battle. Why can't a pokémon use it's abilities anyway? What's so special about in a battle? And why are my pokémon so shallow that their obedience depends on my attire. Do I need a certain amount of bling to earn their respect? Do Pokémon come from da hood?
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Am I the only one who sees the problem with the steadily increasing gym strength? I mean it's great if you start in Palette town or whatever but what if you start on Cinnabar island? You can't use fly or surf to get off the island, perhaps they expect the kids to swim to Pallet. Who knows how many potential trainers have drowned that way. If you do stay on the island there's no grass in which to train, only the buggy shore pokémon and you need something like level 40 pokémon to get your first badge. That's got to suck.
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