The Mission
By Zephon Fox
Zelampago loitered for a bit at the crossroads. It was dark here. Well, more like...hazy gray. A sort of permanent overcast slate-'bleechh'-gray that just pervaded the area and made it seem not awful...but certainly not pleasant either. He tapped his foot, hands in the outside pockets of his vest and sighed.
'It's not like you're being punished or anything!'
'Everyone has to do it at some point, man.'
'Just loosen up and get it over with!'
His comrades-in-arms, spritely as they were, hadn't helped matters any. The big blue wolfdemon looked up at the almost comically out-of-place signpost placed at the center of the intersection
To the north, a wooden arrow pointed LIFE towards a mountainous range.
To the south, DEATH, and an all-encompassing mist.
Eastwards, a bright and shining beacon, along with a garishly scripted HEAVEN sign.
Westwards, along the road he'd walked/flown along, a sign that looked like it was drawn as shoddily as possible with the intention of spiting the one above it, HELL.
And here he was, right in the middle of it. The Crossroads to Eternity.
The wolfdemon thought sarcastically to himself. What an absolute *honor*...
He pulled Ziggy, his GDA, out of his side-holster and took out his mission view. His cases had been few today, a mere handful to sort out and welcome home, but his last case had actually been a "Report to Central HGHQ for further instructions."
After the fiasco with the Giving Force, Zel had asked PLENTY of questions on his way back. Most everyone had shrugged and said that if he was in trouble, they'd have just nailed his big blue fuzzy ass to the ground with a twenty-foot-tall railroad spike, so it wasn't probably anything bad.
The Dispatcher-in-Command, a teal green ferret-demoness with a set of broad antlers, had grinned at him. "Hey there, big blue. You got short straw duty this week, so you gotta go out to the CE and pick up the numbers and drop off the stats." Zelampago had gulped and requested that she tell Ziggy exactly what he was supposed to do. The perky little bugger had grinned and toyed with the small holo-dillo, teasing him while she gave him the rundown. Then it had been directions to a seldom used corridor off The Main Hallway that went down a few flights of stairs, up a couple, around the bend and along various gravity-defying angles before arriving at what looked to be a big plug with a small door in it.
Zelampago had gulped when he'd seen it. It looked as big as a skyscraper and about as wide. The door at the very bottom had been simple, wooden, and marked with a "NO EXIT. SERIOUSLY, TURN BACK UNLESS YOU GOT TOLD TO BE HERE" sign.
Great...so...this is my lot, is it?
Exiting through the door had immediately deposited him on the dusty dirt road he'd just spent the last few hours walking on until he'd reached the crossroads some minutes ago. He was told he'd get a visitor here once he arrived and that he'd hand off data to them; The Dispatcher-In-Command had flapped her wings and summarized it for him while she twiddled her fingers between Ziggy's non-existent crotch.
"Y'see, we share data with the guys who handle Death and alla that malarkey. Y'know, how many we got, where they went, if they had family or if they were alone, so on and yackity shmackity." She'd grinned again as Ziggy had curled himself into a blushing little ball of ones and zeros in front of her.
She continued. "He'll give you data back and it's nearly certain it'll match. Nearly...I mean, we've not had discrepancies in a while now, but if there are any, you don't hafta worry about that. The Boss'll send out Earth Divers to check it out and see if there's anything we're meant to do."
Earth Divers... Zel mused to himself, gazing towards the almost twilight glow over the mountain range that the LIFE sign pointed at. I didn't get to be one of those, but I kind of didn't want to be. Rescuing the innocent and punishing the guilty on Earth is in my nature, sure, but...yeah, they were right to tell me they could see I would probably go a little bananas with that kind of power.
So here he was, leaning against the signpost, chuffing his wings to ward off the odd creeping chill that had just sprung up.
Wait.
Zelampago had noticed upon his first entry into this Limbo-like area that there wasn't any temperature...like, he couldn't FEEL anything hot or cold or even lukewarm. It was like he couldn't tell the temperature at all just from his skin or fur. But now...
Now, he felt a weird chill...
He gazed towards the garishly bright horizon opposite his entry point into the Crossroads. Nope, wasn't coming from Heaven. Not that he'd be able to check. He couldn't come within five feet of that path without just sort of freezing in his tracks.
Not that I mind. From all I've ever gathered and told the new people in my care, it's a shit afterlife anyhow. Like Vegas, but without any fun at all.
There.
The chill returned, stronger this time.
Since he knew he was alone on this mission, Zelampago didn't bother to look any harder back the way he came. And since Life was as unapproachable to him as Heaven and didn't seem like it would produce cold temperatures all by itself out of nowhere...
Whup, Death approaches, he thought wryly, turning to look along the last path.
Two figures were making their way expeditiously out of the mists from DEATH, one long, tall, and seemingly rail thin, the other barely up to Zel's knees and outrageously plump. As Zel eased off his leaning on the signpost, the mist parted and the figures emerged.
Heading his way was an odd couple if the wolfdemon had ever seen one. The short figure turned out to be a blend of black fur and seemingly boundless energy, bouncing alongside the other, oblivious or uncaring to the fact that his body was partially transparent. He was babbling and grinning and skipping along, lazy circles around the long pleated skirt of his counterpart.
That one, Zel had to hide a grin with for real. His clothing was nothing more than a pitch black robe, hooded and going ALL the way down to the ground. Zelampago couldn't see the figure inside the robe, but hazarded a guess that underneath it, the cat would've been rail thin if not completely skin-and-bones...or whatever. He was carrying a long-handled old-timey scythe, using it as a walking staff of sorts.
But that wasn't what nearly had a smile on Zel's face.
No, the little one was clearly annoying the ever-loving shit out of the tall one. From the cat's expression, either he'd walked through a firing squad of Peruvian Death Skunks or someone had well and truly pissed in his Cheerios...and forgotten to add milk after. A deep set scowl that looked well-used and almost etched into his gaunt face stared ahead, pointedly ignoring his small companion's antics. Deep red eyes glowered under a shock of hair that stood straight up and spiked at odd places.
His fur was the color of bone. His eyes looked like they could shoot lasers.
"...so ya see, it's like Max and Tish explained, you get a land card first, then you play a creature or whatever with the land you use, so that means you gotta store up mana so you can cast all kinds of bullshit things to counter your enemy's bullshit things oh OH like what Max did to Tish's Furious Fartknocker man that was intense it had trample and EVERYTHING and he just whipped out a Get Extinctified magic card and it vanished and..."
The little squirrel had yet to take a breath. His voice was the high pitch you might expect from a youngling of that species. Zel wondered if his being a ghost meant he didn't have to really breathe or use air for his words.
The tall one scowled harder and pointedly strode forward, entering the Crossroads fully.
"Ah, greetings." He stopped and bowed, his scythe tapping the ground next to him. The little bundle of goofiness zipped his lips and stood next to his partner, hands clasped behind his rump and smiled politely. Zelampago returned the bow with one of his own.
"Good...well, day, I suppose, to you, sir. My name is Zelampago."
"Indeed. My name is Thanatos and this is my companion, Croak." The tall aggrieved cat indicated the cub to his side. The little goob waved excitedly towards Zel and was gazing at him up and down, taking in all of the Arch-Hellguardian's features.
"Yes, I took the liberty of checking all of the pertinent details to the...well, mission seems extravagant, I spose...task at hand?" Zel inquired, scratching at his head.
Thanatos simply nodded and approached Zel. Zel barely managed to eke out the Lord of the Dead in height, but then again, most of the last bit of Death's height was due to his hair being permanently vertical. The wolfdemon took out Ziggy and booted him up. Croak gasped and fairly *flew* towards Zelampago, only being restrained in the nick of time by Thanatos' well-practiced hand upon his scruff. Had he not, Zel likely would've been bowled over or vaporated through or whatever happens when a ghost goes screaming through you like a banshee.
"Oooooohhhhhwassitwassitwassitcanniseeprettypleasewannalookit-"
"No, Croak. Down. STAY!" Thanatos plunked the exuberant boy down on his fanny and gazed at him sternly, hands on his bony hips.
Zel couldn't repress the grin this time. "It's a GDA, no you can't have one, but thank you for noticing it, sport." Croak blushed up at him and clapped his hands over his mouth.
"*sigh* In any case, here. I believe I was told you'd have an Upload Touch function or the like?" Thanatos pinched the bridge of his nose, all business as Zelampago offered Ziggy over, the app open and blinking READY FOR TRANSFER, PLEASE TOUCH SCREEN. The Lord of the Dead had placed one gaunt finger there, had held it for a moment, then at Ziggy's *p-ping!*, pulled away.
Zelampago looked down at the pad's display and sure enough, there it all was. Pertinent data from the offices of the dead, matching up the week's report. The wolfdemon looked up and saw that Thanatos was staring off into the far distance, apparently going over it all in his head. He nodded once and sighed.
"You'll have to excuse Croak. He has playmates on Earth that he visits from time to time and recently, they introduced him to a game called Summon: The Happening or somesuch like-"
"Noooooooo, it was called Secret: The Arrival!" Croak chimed in from between Zel's legs. The wolf looked down and *eeped!* in surprise. The little boy had been staring right at his crotch, seemingly trying to x-ray it. Thanatos let out another sigh.
"Yes yes, that. Anyhow, they showed him this card game and now it's all he can talk about. I've had to go out and create more money than *God* to buy all of the 'rocket' packs he wants-"
"BOOSTER, Thanatos, BOOSTER." Croak again, this time lifting Zel's thick tail up to peer along its length.
The Lord of the Dead closed his eyes, his mouth becoming a very long thin line as he stood there for a moment, continuing his conversation through gritted teeth. "YES, THOSE. Anyhow, I've had to go out and buy all the blasted things and now he seems hellbent on teaching ME how to play...as if I haven't got THINGS TO DO THAT ARE IMPORTANT." The tall cat tapped his foot at these last three words pointedly. Croak was seemingly oblivious to all of it, hanging upside-down in mid-air and peeking inside one of Zelampago's ears.
"Well, if it's any help, sir...though I doubt how much I could help Death Himself, really...but if he's telling you about it, chances are s'because he wants to play it with you because he likes spending time with you." Zelampago opened his hands to ward off the stern glare that was rocketed his way. "I don't presume to tell you what to do, but kids are kids and they just want to play. S'kind of our job as the adults to indulge them and do it proper so they can behave when they need to."
Thanatos stared at him, mouth once again set tight in a line before smiling ever-so-slightly. "Maybe."
"Here, one of the creators for the game recently suffered a heart attack and is now in Hell." Zel thumbed through a few files, scanning for one in Optional & Extremely Subjective Useful Shit, his catch-all folder. After finding it, the wolfdemon put it back on the Upload Touch app. Thanatos cocked an eyebrow but slid his thumb across it again.
"Since he likes sharing his games, he gave us a full download on the game rules. They might be a bit outdated, but you'll get the gist pretty quickly. I'm not a fan myself, but it's pretty interesting stuff." The wolf knelt down and scruffled Croak's tuft of headfur. The boy giggled and batted at his large hand.
"Besides, it'll give you something to chat about on the way home, right?"
Thanatos' eyes widened as he realized the full implications of this. Croak lit up like the Rockefeller Christmas Tree and tugged on his tall companion's hem. "OH BOY! Now we can strategemize and maybe then I can whup Tish at it!" Thanatos looked like he wanted to absolutely vaporize Zel where he stood.
The big Arch-Hellguardian just gave him a polite bow and a smile and waved as they turned around, heading back towards the mist. He'd nearly done the same when he remembered...
"Oh hey!" Zel called back to the retreating pair. "Did anyone ever tell you you look kind of like...oh what's his name...oh yeah, David Bo-"
"ARRRGGGGHHHHH..." came the anguished scream as the two vanished along the road towards DEATH and whatever mysterious realm it held.
Zel slid the new data into a holding folder on his pad and chuckled as he started ambling back towards the doorway into Hell. He'd nudged his instructions he'd written down from the Dispatcher-In-Command out of the corner he'd tucked them away in on his desktop and the small file had come open. He laughed again as he read it over, taking a leisurely stride back towards home.
Mission:
1) Receive cross-referential materials from Lord of the Dead, Thanatos (picture here)
2) Give related materials to Lord of the Dead
Additional Mission Parameters:
3) Make Croak (picture here) happy somehow
4) Aggravate Thanatos slightly by way of Parameter 3
5) Reference Thanatos to David Bowie
Additional parameters are fully endorsed by Central HQ and supported by order of the Devil himself, Scratch/Beelzebub/Big Red/et. al.
Zelampago slid Ziggy back into his holster, the holo-dillo letting out a welcome sigh of comfort as he was surrounded by soft velvet and leather, and got a running start, getting into the air with a simple leap.
Mission accomplished, I'd say.
*The End*
*...for now.*
*Author's Note*
This is what happens when your brain goes on autopilot for a while. A simple, silly little side-story whipped up in about an hour that has absolutely no canonicity implied with anything and should be read for the laffs I hope you had. As always, thanks go out to Alex Reynard for the original stories these characters were dreamt up in.
Man, I get such a kick out of fucking around with them. :3
The Mission
Written, Edited, and Finalized, Oct 20th, 2014
