May ? 2005
They've been careful what they leave in my cell, usually I have no idea what the device is for.
It's become a routine now, I don’t even think about it anymore. I used to wait until I was ready to pass out before working to repair whatever they left; now I start to work as soon as I see it. What’s the point in dragging out the inevitable?
I know this is how they want me to think, but no matter how hard I try to force myself to think otherwise, it’s the most logical conclusion I can come up with.
I know for a fact the last one was a weapon.
I know that it could be used against my Brothers; I could be helping to bring about their demise. I put it aside more times than I could remember; it felt wrong just to hold it.
I knew, yet I still fixed it.
I've tried to sabotage some of the things from time to time, but they always find out; I don't get fed for days, and sometimes I get a beating.
I only get a beating now when I disobey them.
I'm guessing that Baxter Stockman or Chapman checks over everything I fix. As much as I hate to stroke their ego, they're the only people I know smart enough to pick up my subtle sabotages.
I think I'm fixing something roughly three times a week, though there's no way for sure to know how much time has passed.
I'm no longer too weak to train, but between' working’ and sleeping I only find a few hours now and then to practice with my bo.
I don't know if I'm strong enough to try to make an escape; I want to try, but I'm not confident for a successful attempt.
If I carry on like I have been I think I can lull them into a false sense of security; make them think I've given up. Part of me thinks that I've already given up by letting them condition me to work for them, but I know that I had no choice.
I wonder if my brothers suspect what has happened to me. They must know by now that I didn’t just walk out on them, they would be out looking for me…wouldn’t they?
If this journal finds its way into the hands of my brothers, then I want them to know that I don’t blame them. Even if they do hate me for leaving them.
To be honest I hate myself right now as well.