May? 2005
My eyes keep getting drawn to the device in the corner of the room. It’s clearly broken, but a few tools are lying next to it.
I know that they expect me to fix it; I’ve avoided it for a few days now, I think.
I’ve finished the last of my bottled water. I’ve calculated that they usually replace it every three days. I can’t be sure how long has passed, but I’m sure it’s been longer this time.
I’m too weak to practice my katas, and there’s nothing in the room to help distract me from the pain in my head and stomach caused by the lack of food and water; nothing but fixing the device.
I have no idea what it’s for, and without being able to see the colour of the wires it’s difficult for me too know if what I’m doing is right. Luckily being forced to think and concentrate helps to keep me sane in his empty room.
More than once I find myself putting the device to one side.
I know what they’re doing; they know that I’ll fix it to keep myself sane, and they’re purposely keeping me weak enough to give into them. It’s a sick form of Pavlov’s conditioning; they’ll give me food and water when I finish fixing whatever they leave in my room.
I know what they’re doing, yet I still find the device in my hand.
If I give in to them then this will keep happening, I’ll only ever get what I need to survive once I’ve done something for them; they’ll reward me by keeping me alive.
If it was just the need to eat and drink then I’d refuse, but the silence and emptiness of the room is starting to affect me, I’ve noticed that I’ve started talking out loud to myself to help fill the silence.
Writing this journal is helping me, but my mind keeps coming up with terrible scenarios involving my family.
I have no Idea if they hate me for leaving them. I know that I’ll probably never know, but my mind races with every scenario I can think of; and each one is worse than the last.
I decide to get to sleep once I’m confident that the device is working properly.
When I wake up, the device is gone, replaced by fresh food and water.
