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Guiltstar's Gallery (34)

FEAR

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by Guiltstar

Gallery

For whatever reason, I had a panic attack. It had been a while, and breathing through it didn't work. I drew through it, now I feel okay.

Comms are still $20 for sketches and $40 for color if you'd like. (No pressure though, trust, the panic wasn't over finances. Not that I know what it *was* over.)

Keywords

male 1,295,918, wolf 206,400, blood 23,459, death 13,896, sad 5,797, scared 4,257, fear 3,034, grimdark 495, anxiety 350

Details

Type: Picture/Pinup

Published: 3 weeks, 4 days ago

Rating: Mature

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155 views

9 favorites

5 comments

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5 Comments on this Submission

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BeholderLens

3 weeks, 4 days ago

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I'm sorry to hear you went through that. Was this your first time drawing it out? That was a smart call and I'm glad it worked.

Guiltstar

3 weeks, 4 days ago

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@ BeholderLens

Yeah, first time. Excuse the essay, but I do wanna put down my thoughts now that some time has passed

I usually have pretty good control of my emotions and it's gotten better over the years, so when I feel something powerful I usually think about where it's coming from and weather I need to feel it, connect with myself, breathe, let myself know its going to be okay, and kind of let the emotion pass and settle down.

It didn't work this time though, it's like I couldn't hear myself. I just couldn't think or feel it our properly. I thought that I would draw so that I could just bypass language and talk to myself by the pen. I didn't think about much after I started drawing, but putting the fear on paper felt like turning a bad feeling into a productive thing in a real place.

I did think some, thoughts of all the biggest worries in the world passed through, war and suffering and my insignificance in preventing anything like that, wandering men, corpses, gore, bodies like squished bugs. Things I feel I'm not doing enough to change. I wanted to get swallowed by grief and become a vegetable.

Then I get into these arguments with myself: I don't deserve to be so grief stricken in my easy life, my greatest worry is tooth pain, I am small, not big. Reading the thoughts back to myself, they feel quite melodramatic and self important... But still, bullying myself didn't really do anything but make me feel worse, and the thoughts will come again some day.

I feel okay now, it wasn't the worst panic I've been through. It was just a spot of anxiety, and I was mostly above water the whole time. It was hard to do anything, but drawing helped a lot.

BeholderLens

3 weeks, 4 days ago

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@ Guiltstar

Thanks for sharing all that. Sounds like you kept your head on straight for the most part. It saddens me you were so hard on yourself, but in that state it's usually unavoidable. Ironically, I'm a grief therapist so I can empathize with a lot of what you're saying. Everyone has a right to grieve because it means you love. Keep drawing out these emotions as they come. Letting it out is huge as you know.

Guiltstar

3 weeks, 3 days ago

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@ BeholderLens

Really? Awh oh wow. Sorry for having you do your job online, haha >n<

I admit it's validating to have someone with a job like that say what I went through is normal. I still dunno if it's normal to grieve strangers that I can't save or effect. But I'm out of it now, I feel better and am mostly just introspecting for the sake of my art.

BeholderLens

3 weeks, 3 days ago

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@ Guiltstar

Listening isn't my job, it's having to record what I heard into a progress note after lol. Plus, I asked you. Nothing you need to apologize for.

You're allowed to grieve for anyone and anything. It happens when celebrities die. Their fans grieve even if they've never met. If you wanna talk about any of this stuff further though, feel free to DM me. I enjoy the topic.

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