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Buddy and Nuke - Caddy Conflict

buddy_and_nuke_-_caddy_conflicthd.mp3

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by BuddyTippet

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This is based heavily off an old Jerry Lewis and Dean Martin skit that I have always enjoyed. Fun fact: Buddy's personality is heavily influenced by Jerry Lewis.

Nuke was played by

Nuke

The script is posted below!

Keep in mind that I, Buddy Tippet, also am an author of some very dirty books published on Amazon in paperback and Kindle.

Click here for a list of all of my books!

Also consider buying me a coffee to help keep me going.

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Enjoy the show!

-----

[Daytime ambi]

[Golf cart drive up and stop.]

Nuke: I still have no idea why you suddenly wanted to play golf with me, Buddy.

Buddy: Come on, Nuke. A rat can be more complicated than just: see hole and fuck it. I have interests elsewhere.

Nuke: In golf, though?

Buddy: Sure! Don't you like golf?

Nuke: Um... It's fine. I think I am more here because you wanna be here. Also, you wanted to be my caddy?

Buddy: Yeah! I'll be your ratty helper along the great journey of the wide open fields of green.

[Pause]

Nuke: Okay, great. Well, anyway, let's get started. Hole number one... par 3.

Buddy: Wait! Let me set up your ball. [Eager] That's one of my ratty jobs.

Nuke: You mean "caddy?"

Buddy: Yeah, that too.

Nuke: <Confused noise>

Buddy: Ngh. Okay, there ya go. All set up and ready to be whacked.

[Pause]

Nuke: Yeah, very good, Buddy. All right. It's been a while—actually, never—since I've done this, but I know how to get things started. Why don't you hand me the Driver.

Buddy: Okay! You want the... wait what?

Nuke: The Driver.

Buddy: The Driver? Whaddaya mean?

Nuke: The Driver. The Number One Wood. Get it for me.

Buddy: Oh! [Humble] Um... Far be it for me to contradict your vastly superior knowledge of the great game of golf, Nuke, but might I, your humble caddy, make a slight suggestion, as is my duty?

[Pause]

Nuke: [Very suspicious] Okkkaaaayyyy.

Buddy: It's just that—giving a good look down the fairway—it just doesn't seem like a Driver is exactly what you need for this particular situation.

Nuke: [Somewhat intrigued but also a little annoyed] Okay, Buddy. Then what do you suggest?

[Club rustle]

Buddy: I'm so glad you asked! What you need here is this shiny new Niblick!

Nuke: A what?

Buddy: A Niblick! Go on, try it!

Nuke: [Disillusioned now] No, give me the Driver.

Buddy: Waitwaitwait. You don't have to be like everyone else. Just try the Niblick for me.

Nuke: Buddy, what even is this?

Buddy: [Excited] It's a Niblick!

Nuke: I've never heard of a Niblick! Also, it looks like... maybe a Nine Iron or something. Put it back and give me a Driver.

Buddy: [Hurt] But I'm your Caddy; you're supposed to trust me.

Nuke: I //do// trust you... just not with this Niblick thing. You always take the first hit with the Driver. Now put this back and give me the correct club.

Buddy: [Annoyed, under breath] Well, it's not the correct one, but sure, I'll get you what you want, I guess.

[Club rustle]

Nuke: What's that?

Buddy: Here's your Driver, sir!

Nuke: Hmm, okay. Thanks, Buddy. Okay! Let's see if we can get that Par 3! Just gotta line it up.

Buddy: [Under breath] Probably could get a Par 2 with a Niblick.

Nuke: <Exhales, trying to ignore Buddy> Driver. All right.

Buddy: <Has a brief coughing fit where the word "Niblick" is heard>

Nuke: <Annoyed sound> Driver.

Buddy: <Makes a overt yawning sound that also pronounces the word "Niblick.">

[Pause]

Nuke: [Trying so hard not to lose it] Buddy, is there something you are trying to say to me?

Buddy: What? No. I'm just waiting for you to hit that there ball.

Nuke: With the Driver.

Buddy: Yeah, sure sure.

[Pause]

Nuke: Okay, just be quiet so I can concentrate.

Buddy: Okie.

Nuke: <Deep breath for concentration>

Buddy: [In a really squeaky voice] Niiiblick!

Nuke: [Suddenly angry] Okay, what the fuck is your obsession with the Niblick?!

Buddy: [Defensive and loud] I don't know why you won't just try it?! Don't you trust me?! I'm your Caddy!

Nuke: [Angry] You don't you an iron-//anything// on the first hit!

Buddy: [Defensive] It's not an iron; it's a Niblick!

Nuke: [Angry] That //is// an iron! Do you just like saying that word?!

Buddy: [Defensive and loud] I just want you to try the Niblick! Ever since I agreed to be your caddy, I've wanted you to try it so much!—

Nuke: [Absolutely Flabbergasted] AGREED to be my caddy? We're OUT HERE because of you! You insisted--

Buddy: [Interrupt] Please, Nuke! Just trust me! What if it ends up being the greatest choice you ever made?! Just please try the Niblick for me! Please?! Please?!

[Long Pause]

Nuke: [Resigned.] Okay. Give me the Niblick.

Buddy: [Surprised] Really?

Nuke: Buddy... give me the Niblick.

Buddy: I mean, are you just saying that because you're annoyed or are you---

Nuke: [Shouts] GIVE ME THE NIBLICK!

[Club rustle]

Buddy: Okay! Yes sir. Here's your Niblick, sir.

Nuke: [Calm again] All right. Thanks.

[Pause]

[Swing and hit sound]

Buddy: <Happy gasp followed by sad noise>

Nuke: [Feigning satisfaction; sarcasm] Whelp look at that. Probably went a good... oh... ten... fifteen feet there. Pretty impressive. Thanks, Buddy.

Buddy: [Genuinely embarrassed] Oh man. I'm real sorry, Nuke.

Nuke: No, no. It's fine! What club do you suggest for the next one?

Buddy: [Embarrassed] Uh... how about a Driver?

Nuke: Yeah? Really? Whelp, hand it over.

Buddy: Um... here ya go.

Nuke: [Yelling] How bout I just knock your fucking head off?!

Buddy: <Screaming> Sorry! Sorry! AAAHHHH!!

Nuke: I'll give you a fucking Niblick!

Buddy: <Screaming>

[They fade away and then the scene fades. End.]

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