I made this while struggling with being alone at home again; I'd been working on my struggles with asking for things that I want, which were exacerbated by my inability to decide on - or even realize - what it was that I wanted, let alone ask for it in the first place.
This was a more visceral experience, captured directly from an internal exchange I had with Chili, one of my facets. It should speak for itself.
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u have actively and passively modified yourself to please others - you simply need to start asking for things u would like others to have you do, so long as it remains within your own desires of respects ;)
u have actively and passively modified yourself to please others - you simply need to start asking f
I am always helping others and not myself. It seems like there's nothing if not helping sum one else, alone I'm lost but with sum one I think of them and forget myself Kinda the same.
I am always helping others and not myself. It seems like there's nothing if not helping sum one else
I understand this more than I probably want to admit.
That fight between “I’ll be okay” and “please, just do something” feels very real. For me, “I’m fine” has never really meant that I am fine. It is more like a shutdown answer. A way to stop people from asking more, because explaining what is actually going on inside takes more energy than I have.
And asking for help is not simple when you have spent years surviving by not asking.
Sometimes the problem is not even pride. Sometimes you do not know what to ask for. Sometimes you do not know what you want. Sometimes you only know that something is wrong, but turning that into words feels impossible.
The “I hate you / makes two of us” part hits hard too, because that is not just drama. I understand that kind of self-hate.
I hate a lot of what I became. I hate that I cannot just be more normal and casual like other people seem to be. I hate that even something simple like going out for a walk can feel like there is a massive mental wall I have to break through before I can even leave the house. I hate that my brain can turn basic things into a fight.
But at the same time, I have been working on myself since I was around 15.
I built a life anyway.
I have a full-time job. I have a roof over my head. I have a fairly stable income and economy. I can even go on trips, go places, and buy things when I want to. That did not happen because everything became easy. It happened because I learned to build around the mental blocks.
Walls. Filters. Routines. Control. Experience.
That is not always pretty, and it is not the same as being “fixed,” but it is survival. And sometimes survival is the only thing that matters.
People can call it selfish, but I do not see it that way. Choosing yourself over other people is not always selfish. Sometimes it is the only reason you are still standing. If protecting yourself means making life easier, cutting off drama, staying alone more, or building a world you can actually function in, then that is not weakness. That is damage control.
This artwork captures that ugly middle place very well.
The part of you saying “ask someone for anything” and the other part fighting back with “they’ll be fine without us” feels painfully honest. Because sometimes you want help, but another part of you has already decided that needing help is too dangerous.
It is not pretty.
But it is real.
I understand this more than I probably want to admit. That fight between “I’ll be okay” and “please
Something I've been working on. When I'm having a meltdown, I want so badly for someone to make it stop, I ask for help, they help, and it feels like it's not enough because that feeling is still there, then I panic and spiral into worse behavior. Thanks to some mindfulness exercises and learning how to interrupt the limbic system (which is a system in the brain, the "feeling brain" which works a lot faster than the "thinking brain") have helped me to start making better choices during these meltdowns.
Interrupting the limbic system is actually not as difficult as it always seems in the moment. Just repeat "stop, stop, stop" or "cancel, cancel, cancel", then you can think, do some mindful breathing exercises, or a body scan.
Something I've been working on. When I'm having a meltdown, I want so badly for someone to make it s
