Raphael looked up ready to begin, “Okay, I’m ready.” He felt Mikey move away and the healer take his place at Raph’s head. The healer placed his hands over Raph’s eyes and he felt himself slip away.
He was thrust into a torrent of darkness that he could only assume was his soul. A rainless storm surged around him as he tried to figure out what to do next. He did the only thing he could think of. He called out to the darkness, “You know I’m here! Show yourself!” Then he added silently, “You, fucker.”
Raph turned intending to journey through the darkness, only to end up face to face with Shredder. He did his best to hide his surprise. “Hey,” he said trying to sound nonchalant.
“We meet again.” The darkness said at it removed the helmet to reveal Raph’s face with glowing red eyes.
“Yah, I remember.” Raph retorted stepping back.
“I know why you’re here, I’m you remember.”
“I know,” Raph said. “You wouldn’t happen to be willing to point me in the direction of your source, would you?”
The darkness laughed, “What and make it easier on you. No.” He gestured behind him, “But, by all means search.”
“I will,” Raph said walking away. It wasn’t long before he realized that it was a pointless endeavor.
“Give up yet?” The darkness asked.
“Hardly,” Raph replied over his shoulder. He could feel the other presents there with him they just chose not to show themselves. “Why am I hiding from myself?” He muttered.
He looked back at the darkness, “Maybe it’s you. Are you keeping them away?”
The darkness shrugged.
Raph sat to think.
“Just let me take over already,” the darkness stated. Raph only glared at it. “I promise not to kill Donny.” It continued, “I know I’ll need that sexual release every so often.”
“If you win we die.” Raph stated flatly.
“At least I’ll win.”
Raph snorted then went back to thinking.
“I’m bored,” the darkness stated. It looked down at Raph, “Can we just get this over with?” Before Raph could act the darkness struck. He managed to recover from its attack and they stood grappling. The storm erupted, the wind whipping around them with a defining howl.
They fought for what seemed like forever before Raph managed to throw the darkness and put up a barrier containing it. It smiled at him as the storm settled, “This won’t hold me for long.”
“I know I just need a moment.” He could feel himself getting weaker.
He was getting frustrated, “Come out here. I know you’re there!” He yelled into the surrounding nothingness. The presents pulled back. “Okay that didn’t work.”
The darkness laughed from his temporary holdings. “You don’t even know yourself. How do you expect to win?”
Raph tried to ignore the darkness and focus on the other part of himself. He knew he needed to find it though he didn’t really understand why. He calmed himself and the storm settled more.
“You can come out,” he found himself saying, “I won’t hurt you.”
“You promise?” A small voice replied.
“Yah.”
“Okay,” it replied. Raph didn’t see anything but felt it near. Then he looked down to see his seven year old self looking back up at him.
Raph knelt down to look it in the eyes and it shied away. It looked uneasy at him, “You hate me.”
“What?”
“I’m sorry,” it said, “It’s all my fault.”
Raph sighed, “I get it.”
Before he could do anything more the darkness broke free and attacked and the child fled. The storm surged again as they fought. As time passed Raph felt himself weaken more, but so did the darkness. “We’re dying,” Raph grumbled.
“Then we die. I will not be locked away.”
Raph managed to throw the darkness down and erect another barrier. He immediately searched for the child. “Come back, please.” Again the winds calmed.
The child came up behind him and tugged his hand.
Turning Raph knelt again, “I get it. I do.” He reached out, but the child backed away. “I blame myself.” He continued to stretch out his hand, but the child stayed out of reach. “I’m sorry.”
The child cried, bringing its hands up to rub its eyes. “You hate me.”
“I don’t hate you.”
“You pushed me away and buried me in this darkness.” It continued to cry.
“I’m sorry.” Raph sat back on his feet. “I won’t do that anymore.”
“Do you forgive me?” The child sobbed.
“There’s nothing to forgive.” Raph reached out a hand again. This time the child took it, a weak smile spreading across his face. Raph drew it close, “It will be hard, but I won’t push you away any more. We’ll work through it.” Its little arms wrapped around Raphael’s neck. He hugged it back and the child dissipated. He felt the pain of guilt and the sadness of self-loathing. Emotions he will finally have to come to terms with. Maybe he will take Bishop up on the offer of a shrink.
The darkness clapped form inside its prison. Raphael walked over to it. It glared at him, “I will not be contained.” It slammed its fists at the invisible barrier, “I saved us,” it hissed.
“I know,” Raph admitted.
“I make you a better fighter.”
“I agree.” Raph stood staring at the darkness, “But, you have had me do some horrible things.”
“That dog bit you,” it said following Raph’s thoughts.
“It was hurt and scared. It didn’t deserve what I did.”
“But, it felt good for a while, watching something else suffer.”
Raph looked away, “It wasn’t worth it in the end.”
“You cannot keep me in here,” it growled.
“I know.”
“So you give up,” it sounded hopeful.
Raph’s eyes shot up and the barrier came down, “No.” His hand came up grabbing the darkness by the throat.
“What?” Panic filled the darkness as it clawed at Raph’s arm.
“I cannot contain you,” Raph rumbled, “so I’m going to control you. Submit!” The storm surged again.
The darkness tried to fight, but could not break Raph’s unrelenting grip. After a while it stopped struggling, “Fine,” It said, “I yield,” and it dissipated.
The winds stopped and everything changed to a light shade of grey. Raphael could feel the rage inside, but was able to keep in under control. He liked it.
A loud roar sounded from the distance. Raphael looked up to see his dragon avatar approaching. It landed before him laying itself on the ground tucking everything close.
“Huh,” Raph snorted, “you couldn’t have come sooner?”
The dragon shook its head.
“The darkness kept you away.”
The dragon nodded.
“Everything’s okay now thought right?”
The dragon nodded.
Raphael reached up and the dragon leaned in so that its nose touched his hand. “Now I can protect my brothers by any means necessary.” With that the dragon was gone. That was it, Raph was alone, finally whole.
It was like he was thrown back into his body. His eyes snapped open and he was filled with pain. He drew a rasping breath, his whole body was heavy. It felt as if Leo had run him through with his katana. A brief moment of fear filled Raph. Did the Daimyo not approve?
Raph looked at his chest, he was whole, but his soul was still outside his body. He moaned.
The Daimyo came into his line of sight, “What did you do?” He demanded.
“I defeated the darkness,” Raph answered. His voice was weak.
“I told you to contain it.”
“I couldn’t,” Raph argued. “So I made it my bitch.” Raph managed a weak laugh before erupting into a coughing fit.
“Please, Daimyo” Splinter pleaded, “he’s dying.”
Raph looked over to see his family and friends. They were behind a line of guards two of which were restraining Donatello. Donny was crying, “Please, put it back.”
The Daimyo looked to his healer, “What do you make of this?”
The healer shrugged, “There is still true love, but the soul is not pure.”
Raph chuckled, “My soul hasn’t been pure for years.”
He looked up to see one of the tendrils holding his soul let go and he felt himself get weaker.
“As far as I can tell,” the healer continued, “he is neither evil nor good.” The healer shrugged again, “The best way I can explain is, he is neutral.”
The Daimyo knelt down and looked at Raphael, “What do you desire?”
Raphael struggled to find his voice, “To protect my family.”
That seemed to be enough. The Daimyo looked over his shoulder and nodded to the healer.
Raphael couldn’t breathe as his soul was pushed back into his body. His heart seamed to forget how to beat for a few agonizing moments before it began slamming against his chest. Another gesture from the Daimyo and the guards released Donny. His favored rushed to his side as he lost consciousness.
