Well... I used to think that showing myself cold was an advantage. That if I talked less, if I looked confident, no one could hurt me. And it worked. For a while. I'd walk around school like I didn't care about anything, like I was superior to all that. I got good at making faces. At using the right words. To make sure no one got too close.
And inside... inside there was just noise. I wanted someone to see me without having to ask. That someone wouldn't run away when I took off my mask. But it didn't work out that way. People were leaving. Some violently, others without a trace. And me, I stood there, frozen, with that usual face. With that damn face that says nothing.
I think I mistook abandonment for a kind of power. As if being left behind gave me the right to be impenetrable. To be that kind of person that everyone thinks is okay just because he doesn't say it's wrong. I sold myself as being unbreakable... and I ended up believing it. And now... now I don't know how to get off that idea anymore.
People change. And the worst thing is that I have changed too, but inside I am still trapped in that adolescence where everything was a fight. Where silence was a form of defense. And now I don't know how to love without measuring each step. I don't know how to ask for help without thinking it's weakness.
Everything I touch falls down. Relationships wear out. Sometimes I feel like I'm an old photo that everyone looks at with nostalgia, but no one wants to hang on the wall. I don't know how to go on anymore... I don't know which version of me is the real me and which is just a prettier mask.
I'm terrified that growing up means accepting that I'm no longer the boy I was, but I also have no idea who I can become. I want to change, but I struggle to let go of that part of me that stayed afloat when everything else was sinking.
And that hurts, you know? It hurts more than I care to admit. Because maybe... maybe it's not that I don't want to change. Maybe it's that I don't know how. I don't know where to start. I don't know if it can be done. And that makes me feel small, trapped.
I don't know what awaits me.
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1 week, 3 days ago
24 Jun 2025 05:21 CEST
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