amazingly enough i have decided to write a story. at some point I'll be looking for test subjects...ahem....i mean editors. not going to lie it's a romcom kind of thing. I've never been good at spelling and even worse at proper punctuation and recent events have left a numbness in my fingertips that's far beyond frustrating. bring on the robot body!
as an example of what you can expect
“I don’t know what you are or how you ended up inside the castle but if you think for one second I’m going to allow you to topple the diarchy you got another thing coming. Now then my name is Chief Warrant Officer Blackberry Brambles”.
William rolled his eyes sarcastically at the horse fighting back a toothy smile all the while sawing away inconspicuously at his bindings. “Sure you are! And my name is private parts. Me and general location where just heading to the mess hall…” William was cut off and the horse’s horn began to glow a cold steel blue.
“Pride is a poor substitute for intelligence. What you must understand is that we have to interrogate you.” CWO Brambles interrupted. William’s mouth dropped open upon realizing that he was face to face with a real live talking unicorn. William looked around the room, back and forth between the unicorn and the door. “Don’t get any ideas here there are two armed guards just outside that door, one word from me and they’ll be all over you like stink on horse apples” The unicorn continued. The smile on William’s face grew almost to the point of laughter as the worst pun he’s ever herd echoed through the small room.
Licking his lips William sat up slightly and said “listen up! In ten seconds you’re going to be lying on the ground leaking blood. The first guard that comes through that door won’t fair much better and when I disarm him I’m going to use his weapon on his partner”
“And what makes you think you can do all that?” Bramble continued
“You know the ropes around me” William added
“Yes” Bramble answered, a smile coming across her face
“I cut them!” William shot up kicking the table across the room with his steel-toed work boots, knocking over the shocked unicorn. The first guard blew through the door clutching a halberd its magical grasp. William jumped across the unicorn and let out a high-pitched defeating whistle into the unicorn’s ear causing her to drop the halberd and scream in pain. William grabbed the halberd and trust the hilt into the second guard’s helmet stunning the poor unicorn before spinning it 180° and sweeping out the first guards legs. Running down the hall screaming “bitch I may not know Karate but I know crazy!” Slipping the little jack knife back into his pocket he thought to himself. “Rule number nine. Always carry a knife!” Making his way through the maze of short corridors William was surprised exactly how unguarded the castle actually was. That was until, pastel blue lights began to flash. “My god the color schemes in hell are going to be the first thing I change when I rule” he said to nobody. The time had come for stealth and subterfuge, ditching the halberd he began to quietly move through the halls taking short sprints and keeping to the shadows. Fortunately, dungeons are designed with next to no site lines, short halls and blind corners. This works both for and against you when trying to escape. So far William has had sure blind luck and the element of surprise on his side managing to dodge three patrols that seemed to me more interested in where he came from then where he actually was. At the end of the last hallway stood two more unicorns in front of a large wood door. William looked around for a plan; across the hall from him the door was ajar and he sprinted to see what untold riches lay their in. “A janitor’s closet? Oh my god this must be the most cliché thing the lazy writers of this world could come up with, but this does give me an idea!” Filling the bucket with cold water he said simply “If their anything like the horses from earth, they really hate a cold shower.” William poked his head out of the janitor’s closet hearing a battalion of guards coming up from once he came. “It’s now or never” William thought jumping into the middle of the hallway and charging at the guards screaming “LEEROY JENKINS!” grasping his bucket and readying for the deluge only for the massive wooden door behind the startled guards to open revealing a huge alabaster unicorn. By this point William, running full bore and tripped unceremoniously over his own missed stride dropping the bucket and spilling it on the floor before him. The new lack of friction between him and the floor allowing him to glide effortlessly up between the mare’s legs before crashing into the stairs behind the once shut door. If it wasn’t for the absolute shock between all parties involved, it probably would have been the funniest thing anybody in the room had ever beheld.
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1 year, 9 months ago
25 Jun 2022 05:53 CEST
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