So paypal has permanently limited (which is to say banned my account, id , and associated bank accounts) my account and... I don't think I'll be trying to dispute it.
For sure there were those first few minutes of immense panic and feelings of self harm that you can only get from losing possibly the one thing you have in your life you're partly successful in that you've invested your adult life into... I was then overcome by the most dreadful and insightful epiphany
This is... the only thing in my life I had invested my adult life into and I am relatively successful in...
I have wasted the entirety of my adult life I have lived through so far... on this
About 5 years ago I dropped out of college (for teh second time) for... the usual reasons most do... depression, anciety, failure, and honestly just a general lack of direction in life. I was failing really hard, admittedly possibly more due to emotional issues, and I was pretty unsure of how I'd even go about with college feeling that I'd continue to just be stuck failing over and over again wasting years of my life in an institution that doesn't even really guarantee me success in any career anyways.
My only place of respite was posting furry shit and seeing people react so positively and supportively for it. Living a life with no real friends dealing with failure after failure I started looking to the fandom, a place on the internet where all the strangers were (well most of them were) all supportive in all of my interactions with them and lo I saw people setting up patreons, selling comics, and doing commissions all looking like they were living relatively confortably at home drawing on a cintiq working on stuff that I could only naively assume back then could pay the bills.
And so in my stubborn arrogance I went in there thinking I could live off of... all this.
And obviously that didn't work out teh way I planned
Oh for sure I may have said before, not only to other people but myself, that this will just be a springboard for me to jump off to a more illustrious illustration career. But as I became more and more prolific deep down I knew I was just gonna keep doing this and this alone until it stops being viable with no intention to actually start doing anything else, and why would I? Over teh years as I continued to isolate myself and my anxiety to even go outside grew even worse I started to just live on the internet. As every day went by I became more and more convinced I'll never be good at anything outside of just drawing for people and while everybody on this site was supportive with good intentions everybody just basically became an enabler. I mean two relatively close friends I have in the fandom I'm only ever this close with cuz they actually criticize me on my art and decisions in life. And besides... why would I humiliate myself as a lowly jobless loser when online I'm a hot talented breedable popufur (I'm exaggerating but that's not the point here).
The point is I've made it so that living outside the internet with a real job was not an option which makes... all of this the biggest mistake I've ever made in my life. I was gonna be stuck working my ass off on nearly exclusively just porn half of which is not necessarily something I'm even like that into (some I'm definitely not into) that I can never show off or put down on my resume because it's ALL PORN. Like I'm a HORNY bastard but you can get sick of doing just that eventually. And the real worst part is the consistent inconsistency. I can have a month where I'm just stressed out and panicked the entire time because I have literally nobody commissioning me at that time or I can have a month where I'm stressed out and panicked the entire time because I have way too many people commissioning all at once that I can't feasibly finish in one month. I can earn anywhere between 0-600$ and the only thing consistent about it is it never goes beyond 600$. Slowly increasing my prices overtime just made less people commission me so the benefits just cancel themselves out.
I've been doing 5 years of this and what do I have to show for it?
NOTHING
Or atleast nothing I can put on my resume.
So from now on I wanna stop running away from real life to live on the internet. I'm gonna go get a normal job that probably doesn't even pay that much better than before but is at the very least consistent with that monthly paycheck, insurance, and mostly handled taxes. It's going to be hard but that's... the point... I don't wanna keep running away from my problems and it's high time I face them.
Not to say I'm never gonna do art anymore as I'm still a horny bastard and I may even eventually find a conventional job that involves art but... I'm never gonna be opening commissions again... even if I do sort things out it'd be a thing exclusive to friends (and priced unreasonably high)... but yeah... goodbye art commissions
Keywords
male
1,116,386,
cub
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vulpes
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pachirisu
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mephit
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Details
Published:
2 years, 5 months ago
24 Nov 2021 15:43 CET
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