WARNING: This chapter contains cursing and macabre imagery. This story is based on an adult parody of MLP called The Mentally Advanced Series. I would encourage that if you had not watched it to do so to get a grasp of the world in which this takes place. Many of the jokes, lore, and otherwise are in reference to MAS, not just simply My Little Pony. I have also made a supercut that includes every reference and appearance of Celestia in the series. In case watching the entire MAS series maybe too time consuming. If you find Celestia, or other canon characters, used in crude and unpleasant depictions offensive, this is your warning. However, I would appreciate that you take a look anyway with an open mind.
“A cursed jewelry box?” Valiance asked as Celestia passed her a map.
“Yes. And you must never open it.” Celestia warned as she remained buried in her documents.
“May I ask why, your majesty?” Valiance questioned, opening the map and peering into it.
“That doesn’t really matter to you if you bring it to me as instructed. Take this,” Brought into existence with a puff of light, a satchel manifested onto Valiance’s haunch, “When you find it you’ll have this to put it in. Now, get out.”
Valiance folded the map and placed it into her satchel, “As you wish!” The loyal warrior bowed and made her leave.
Outside the castle, Valiance checked the crudely made map for further instruction. “Foal Mountain? Huh, well I suppose I better hurry up so that I can get back by sundown.” Valiance said, beginning her long journey.
The walk to the base of the mountain occurred with hardly any trouble at all. However, as she ascended the mountain’s trails, the uphill uneven terrain, combined with her armor, all began to weigh on her. As she began to reach the peaks, the air grew thinner than thread.
Though she struggled and toiled, she reached the final destination of her map.
“This must be the cave.” she huffed to herself, eyeing up the gaping, jagged, stone mouth. The unicorn’s red eyes turned back from where she came and saw Canterlot in the far distance through the clouds. She breathed a sigh of relief, “At least the walk back to the castle will be a lot easier.” Inside the cave, water dripped from the stalactites hanging from high above like a salivating dragon. Unfortunately, no heat was found there and a spiteful breeze began gnawing at the knight’s bones. It was at moments like this that Valiance wished she kept her fetlocks and coat untrimmed. With darkness quickly descending upon her, she lit her horn with magic, filling the cave with a warm hue.
The cave eventually led to a vast cavern that was so boundless, Valiance’s magic couldn’t light the ceiling. With no other choice, she marched forward, occasionally marking an x in the dirt. Pale insects and blind lizards scuttled around every step she took, occasionally kicking them. Upon further inspection, she realized many were carrying pieces of a carcass. One fat beetle even hauled a massive down feather, bigger than any feathered creature she’s ever seen.
Realizing she may have been in for a fight, Valiance drew her weapon taking steady yet cautious steps forward. She followed the trail of critters heaving the massive feathers to their homes. They led her to a large mound of writhing cave crawlers. Disgusted but intrigued by their fanaticism, the pale horse lightly swept them away from their treasure.
Underneath the cave dwellers laid an enormous talon with a few ribbons of cartilage still attached. With furrowed brows, Valiance shined her horn around the decomposed claw, finding more of its owner.
And more.
And more.
Until the knight was met face to face with hollowed eyes of a giant skull. Finally, the skeleton of the beast became clear to her.
“A roc, maybe?... But I don’t think they get this big.” Valiance whispered, gently touching the cold beak. Inspecting the inside of the mouth, a twinkle caught her eye. She turned her gaze towards the ribcage and gasped. Sitting inside where the stomach once was, laid a gold laced box. ‘Bingo.’
Deep cracks were rooted within the beast’s ribcage. Satisfied with their inherent weakness, Valiance firmly grasped it with her magic. A loud crack echoed throughout the cave as she yanked the box from its long forgotten cage. Valiance admired the intricate artwork adorning it. But before she could look for long, however, a high pitched noise rang in her ears. Just as Valiance turned her head, she was bombarded by a massive swarm of bats, knocking the box to the ground and opening it. As suddenly as they came, the colony of flying vermin disappeared, leaving Valiance stunned and unaware she had accidentally opened the forbidden treasure. With a glance down, the knight’s heart skipped a beat. Out from its ornamented prison, was a gold crown unlike any Valiance had ever seen before. It was bizarrely shaped, with a red velvet cap, adorned with precious stones that faintly glowed in the darkness. Remembering Celestia’s words, Valiance took no time for admiration, and quickly boxed the crown back into its confines.
Despite the fact that she moved quickly, her head already began to buzz, her vision doubled, and there was a falling sensation within her stomach. With haste, she secured the box into her satchel and galloped for the exit. A shrilling screech assaulted her ears from the entrance. With its black wings scraping the sides of the cave, a pony sized bat creature charged at Valiance with bared rotten fangs and bloodshot protruding eyes. Skidding to a halt, she drew her halberd and swung with all her might.
The beast's body split in two, a gurgled squeal erupting from its throat. With its body flopped to the floor, what she thought to be a monster was no more than a small cave bat. Quickly shaking her head, she realized the curse had already taken root.
Stumbling out of the cave she leaned against a boulder and found the world a much different place. The clouds became webs for spiders with snake tails, the stones around her took the shape of bloodied horse heads squirming with maggots, and while she could see Canterlot in the horizon, it was slowly drifting away on a plate of soggy dripping hair.
Bile threatened to escape her stomach, clamping a hoof over her mouth as she attempted to breath steadily through her nose. She had to get out of that place quickly. Looking over the cliff she could make out the trail that led her to the peak. As she stepped away from the edge, the cliff began to follow her until she found herself pressed up against the wall. With nothing to lose, she shimmied alongside the mountain with a firm grip.
The climb back down felt like a lifetime had passed. Valiance could swear she had been stumbling down the winding trails for days. When she reached flatland she could kiss the ground, but the grass was replaced by wiggling fingers. Cold needles pricked up her spine as she could feel them squirming against her hooves. Hastily, she began to trot through the field of digits and made her way towards the road leading to the river, cringing all the way.
Though clear and blue in the distance, the closer the knight came to the water's edge the more black and stringy it became. Dead frogs and scraps of garbage were tangled in thick sopping hair with a vile smell to match. Yet with no bridges in sight, and Canterlot still floating away, Valiance saw no other choice but to swim across the flowing web of filth.
In a moment of clarity, Valiance pondered on the possibility of drowning and how she could reduce it. Not much later, an idea popped into her head, the most useful thing she could do would be to make herself light enough so that she wouldn’t have to work so hard to swim across. She stripped off her armor and placed it within a bush made of wrinkled monkey paws with cloudy fish eyes as its fruit. The disgusting creature stared at Valiance with contempt, raking its claws against her armor.
“I hope that I can remember this place when the curse is broken… or that you’re actually a bush.”
With a few sharp breaths, she leaped into the mass with slime filling every crevice of her body. Paddling with all her might, she felt bony hands covered in mucous grazing her legs and ankles as she kept her head above water. Just as she had reached midway, the hands began to grab at her, chipped nails scratching her hide as she felt herself being pulled under. Panicking, hairy water poured into her mouth as she desperately gasped for air. Thinking fast, she gripped her halberd and hacked away at the grabbing hands. With enough severed she became free, pulling herself to shore.
Struggling out of the water, Valiance heaved, forcing all of the hair out of her system. She coughed, gagged, and spat the remaining strands out, wiping her mouth. Canterlot continued to drift away from her. Desperate and more than frustrated, she rose to her hooves and made a mad dash towards the kingdom.
While in full gallop, the pale horse felt gravity lessen to where a stride would carry her several yards. Soon, she was able to leap an entire field in a single bound and with speed matching the fastest pegasi. Her vision blurred and the castle sprung forward like elastic. What was once miles away, was now before her in a split second. Valiance did a double take, up until that point, time felt as if it were flowing as slow as tar. And yet despite it all, the easiest part was over in the blink of an eye.
The floating city silently observed Valiance as she inquired a way in. Stepping closer, stones manifested under her hooves, building a floating bridge towards her goal. Exhausted from the whole ordeal she finally managed to reach the city. However the hallucinations did not cease. Buildings held up by mere splinters of wood swayed in the breeze. The citizens of Canterlot did not fare better, with revolting deformities and oozing ruptures mangling their bodies. Desperately, the unicorn averted her eyes towards the castle. ‘I… I have to just ignore everything else around me and focus on getting this back to Celestia!’ Valiance thought queasily.
The castle stood like an oasis in a burning desert. Somehow, it remained largely untouched by the curse’s effects and served as her beacon within this nightmare. Pushing herself forward she moved her legs into a full sprint for one last time, rushing down the streets of Canterlot, ignoring everything and everyone in sight. No matter how grotesque or distracting, Valiance didn’t offer so much as a glance.
At the front entrance, the difference between the clarity of within the castle’s wall and the unrecognizable outside twisted inside Valiance’s chest. The gate itself stood tens of feet taller than it had been that morning when she left. Even though its appearance had not been warped beyond recognition, many hallmarks of it were twisted and distorted like peering into a carnival mirror.
Whispers in unspeakable languages called out to her, the guttural cries of beasts never imagined wailing in the realm beyond her sight. Through it all, Valiance could faintly hear a voice ask, “A r e y o u o k?”
“Please...,” Valiance begged through a voice she barely recognized, ”I must see Celestia...” When the whispers began again, there was no speech in which Valiance could recognize this time. All she could make out was disapproval. The voices emitted from two creatures just as deformed as the rest of the citizens she had witnessed before. While not hostile, their presence made Valiance’s stomach itch with dread as they stepped towards her. She could feel her body locking up into a defensive position. She sputtered, “W-wait! You don’t understand, I have to deliver this crown and-”
Voices bellowed sternly as the creatures motioned her away from the castle. Shaking and dripping with cold sweat, Valiance stood her ground against the now forceful shoves from the fleshy blobs. They seemed to be attempting to now herd her elsewhere. Unbeknownst to the knight, more had gathered behind her back, surrounding her. More forbidden words rattled her skull from all directions with the phrase, "L e d U s H i l t E w e!” faintly chanted clearly through the noise.
The mounds of living puss and flesh began to slowly envelope Valiance with their sopping tendrils. Frozen with fear, she almost accepted her fate as they coiled around her neck and limbs. Glancing her eyes up towards the castle and all its divine perfection, against the impossible madness surrounding it. The more she stared, the more resolute in her mission she became. Rooting her hooves into the cobblestone, she closed her eyes and began to focus. Even still, the faint buzzing and harsh language of insanity wormed its way into her consciousness.
Clenching her eyes tighter, the acolyte thought of the tall spires, the painted glass, the golden throne itself, and of course…
Celestia.
In a sudden flash of amber energy, Valiance’s being evaporated into sparks and ribbons of light. Her hooves gently landed on the familiar felt texture of carpet rather than the stone road she was on previously.
“What are you doing?” a booming voice echoed.
Valiance’s eyes shot open and before her sat the Princess on her throne. Untouched by the curse’s corrosive effects, Celestia gleamed with divinity. A sigh of relief escaped the tired knight’s lips as she bowed, removing the cursed box from its restraints and presenting it, “Princess, the deed is done.”
The Princess scrunched her nose with suspicion, placing the box at her side. “You opened the box, didn’t you?” she asked with a mildly threatening tone.
“It wasn’t my fault, your Majesty!... The… the bats knocked it over while I was leaving the cave… isn’t there some way to cure me?” Valiance insisted.
“I was wondering what the commotion outside was. The guards were yelling of a mad mare at the front gate. It seems they were correct.” The Princess narrowed her eyes at her miry and disheveled follower, taking the box back up with her magic. She shook the box next to her ear before popping it open. Celestia pulled out the crown and stared deep into it muttering under her breath. Placing the crown aside, she looked into the box again and found a crumpled piece of paper.
Fuck you, Celestia; it read.
Unamused, the God Princess returned the contents back into the container and engulfed it in a blinding turquoise flame. “You are cured.”
Within seconds of the box being destroyed, Valiance’s vision stabilized and the sickly feeling in her stomach disappeared. “What in Tartarus was that?” Valiance queried, rubbing her head.
“That crown belonged to the Turul. An ancient bird older than Equestria itself. No one, not even I, know what became of his kingdom or his people. A secret he kept until his apparent demise.
When I met him, he begged me to assist him. Even I have a soft spot for the desperate, my dear acolyte. I gave him a generous loan in return for his allegiance and to pay back the debt once his goals were realized. Alas, what I didn’t know was that he was a compulsive gambling addict. All of his riches and land, save for the crown, was lost in a single card game. Unable to repay me, he went into hiding. It seems, he perished and rightfully so. Not before leaving that nasty present for me, which you had the pleasure of experiencing.” Celestia coyly grinned.
“Ah… I see. But how did you know about his whereabouts?”
“Rumors circulated from the locals of a treasure guarded by a malevolent spirit. I hadn’t thought much of it at first, but then they described a monstrous bird, larger than any roc, guarding it. So tell me, did you kill him?”
“No. He was mostly bones when I found him.”
“The coward couldn’t take an honorable death. Serves him right.” Celestia chuckled, descending from her throne. “And what about you? What did you learn today?”
“I learned that I hate bats.” Valiance grunted as she rose to her hooves.
“Quite.” Celestia agreed.
“But,” Valiance interjected, bringing Celestia to a halt, “This entire experience has been a splash of cold water. I… I had thought that this job you gave to me wouldn’t be of any trouble. I let my guard down and as a result I let myself foolishly get spooked by a couple of common cave bats and dropped the box. Had it been anymore dangerous, like if the Turul was still alive, I don’t know what would’ve happened. So, I apologize. I’ll take every instruction you give me with the attention and awareness it deserves from now on. I can promise you that.”
“Promise you say?” Celestia frigidly grinned.
With her posture straightened, taking a couple of steps forward, she stared straight back to her Princess. A flaming fire of determination emitted from her hardened red eyes.
Celestia simply scoffed and brushed past her, “You look awful. Go wash up before you offend me with your presence.”
Having returned to her quarters, Valiance started a bath and painstakingly groomed her mane that matted against her coat. Once refreshed, she hopped onto her bed, sighing as she nuzzled against the warm, comforting, fabric of her mattress. She closed her eyes against the rhythmic ticking of her alarm clock, ready to finally rest.
“Oh no!” Valiance shouted as she sprung from her bed, “My armor!"
