Raphael stared at the city through his bedroom window, his thoughts caught somewhere between disbelief and hopefulness.
He and his brothers were together again. They had even agreed to move in with Raph, to once more become a family.
There was a knock at his bedroom door and Raph said, ``Enter''. He was so caught up in his musings that he didn't wonder at the fact that someone had entered his apartment and made it all the way to his bedroom.
Raph heard absolutely nothing following his invitation and thought that whoever it was wanted him to come and open the door. He glanced back in irritation and saw Leonardo standing inside the room, his arms at his sides as he patiently waited.
``Still as silent as ever,'' Raph said with a touch of gruffness.
``A lifelong habit,'' Leo replied.
The silence that followed that exchange was awkward. The few times they had been alone together had been the same; like an invisible shield was between them. There were many things they needed to say to each other, but neither seemed to know where to start.
``Leo, I . . . .'' Raph began.
``Dinner was nice,'' Leo said, speaking quickly. ``Being at table with all three of my brothers. It reminded me of when we were little.''
``Yeah, me too,'' Raph said, feeling a bit of relief. This was safe ground. Staying in the long ago past kept them away from topics neither were ready to discuss. ``Remember how it was before we ever had a table?''
Leo chuckled. ``I remember sitting on the ground waiting for Mas . . . waiting for the pizza to be set in front of us. Mikey would get so excited he'd be bouncing off of us.''
``Damn he was annoying,'' Raph said with a grin. He knew Leo had stopped himself from saying Splinter's name, thus avoiding raising his specter.
Their father continued to be a touchy subject, even after the passage of so much time. Whatever enlightenment or acceptance Leo might have reached, Raph still harbored resentments that lingered.
Leo had clearly sensed them in him. Raph appreciated the effort his brother was making to remain on neutral ground. They couldn't stay neutral forever, but remaining that way for a little while would give them the chance to become reacquainted.
``I remember how fresh fruit was a big treat,'' Raph said. ``We'd get a box of bruised apples or brown bananas and think that was the height of living.''
``Whenever I'd find a pristine apple in my Christmas stocking, I didn't want to eat it,'' Leo said. ``It seemed like sacrilege to mar that perfect piece of fruit.''
Raph laughed. ``You'd end up having to eat it though `cause Mikey was always trying to find where you hid that apple. He'd eat his almost before he fished it out of the stocking.''
``Remember when we got that full box of peaches?'' Leo asked. ``Don was taking them out of the box and got stung by the bee that had gone along for the ride.''
``We were trying to swat the thing and he was in tears `cause it hurt, but he was still yelling at us not to kill it,'' Raph said. ``We did anyway and of course he dissected it.''
``Mikey leaned over his shoulder the entire time saying `gross, gross, gross','' Leo said.
``He didn't leave though. He watched Don pull that bee completely apart.'' Raph's face scrunched up in disgust. ``Don made a chart of the bee's insides and hung it on the wall by our beds. I still have nightmares about a giant disfigured bee chasing me through the tunnels.''
``Remember the cockroach races?'' Leo asked.
``Are ya' kidding? I'm never gonna forget the cockroach races,'' Raph said, moving to sit on the end of the bed. ``I had no fucking clue those bastards could fly.''
By this point Leo was laughing too, and he joined Raph on the bed. Sitting on one side, Leo turned so that he was facing his brother, one leg on the mattress for comfort. ``Your cockroach won.''
``Yeah it did, but it almost flew down my throat too,'' Raph said. ``After that, I never got close to the race track and never again opened my mouth to yell at the contestants.''
``You know, Don clipped one of their little wings after that so they'd be too lopsided to fly,'' Leo said.
Raph stared at him. ``What? No one told me that.''
``Mikey made us promise not to tell you,'' Leo said. ``Half the fun for him was watching you tense up every time we shook the roaches out of the box.''
``I should pay him back for that,'' Raph said, though he was only half-serious.
``Why bother? You couldn't possibly pay him back for half the things he did to you when we were kids,'' Leo said. ``If I recall, you turned the tables on him a few times.''
Raph snapped his fingers. ``Oh damn, remember when we used to make mud pies and I tricked Mikey into taking a bite out of one?''
``I do!'' Leo rocked back with laughter. ``He was so mad at you! It wasn't because he ate mud either, it was because he didn't get any pie!''
They both laughed until tears started from their eyes. ``He thought . . . he spent days thinking . . . thinking I hid the pie!'' Raph choked out, laughing so hard his sentence was broken.
``Mikey and his sweets,'' Leo managed to say after a minute or two.
``Like when we'd go trick or treating and Mikey would eat all of his candy the next day,'' Raph said. ``Then he'd throw it all right back up again. Same thing, year after year. Never could figure out why he'd waste candy like that.''
``He's enthusiastic,'' Leo said.
``Yeah, that much hasn't changed,'' Raph said, recalling how he could hear Mikey and Don going at it even through the thick walls. He wasn't going to bring that up. He snorted as another memory surfaced. ``Don and his gadgets. His need to tinker was a blessing and a curse. The damn toaster would disappear one day and the next we'd have a rotisserie cooker. It'd be a miraculous thing, but all I could think about was how much I wanted toast.''
Leo gave him a sour look, behind which the humor lingered. ``Those miracle kitchen gadgets were great for you guys, they all refused to work properly for me.''
``The fourth time ya' broke the oven, Don banned ya' from ever using it again,'' Raph said.
``In my defense, I never had a problem with the stovetop,'' Leo said.
``How hard is it to boil water?'' Raph asked facetiously. ``The only thing ya' ever made was tea.''
``I made oatmeal,'' Leo protested.
``Ya' boiled water and poured it over instant oatmeal,'' Raph countered. ``That doesn't count.''
Leo grinned. ``I made up for it by doing most of the shopping.''
``That was because ya' were always the best at slipping in and out of the market without being seen,'' Raph said. ``Ya' weren't that great at getting everything on the list though. Ya' always forgot stuff when ya' went out.''
``I didn't forget.'' Leo gave him a sly look. ``I purposely avoided the junk food on the lists you guys made.''
``I knew it!'' Raph exclaimed. ``I told Don ya' were doing that on purpose.''
``It was bad enough that Mikey could go through a big bag of chips in one sitting,'' Leo said. ``Imagine if I got the ten he usually asked for. Although, that would have been lighter than the coffee I had to carry home for Don.''
``What a habit,'' Raph said. ``Remember that gigantic mug he made for himself so he wouldn't have to stop working so often to get a refill?''
``I remember that you and Mikey were throwing a football around and broke that mug,'' Leo said. ``Then the two of you tried to glue it back together so he wouldn't know.''
Raph had started laughing again. ``The first time he poured coffee into it after that, the mug crumbled in his hands. I swear it was a half a day before he figured out it wasn't something he'd done. He got Mikey back for that, too.''
``Mikey never ratted you out,'' Leo said.
``No he didn't,'' Raph said. ``Damn, those were good times.''
They continued to talk about the things they'd done in their youth, the games they'd played, the pranks they'd pulled on each other. Eventually they got more comfortable, sitting side by side as they leaned back against the bed's headboard.
Their discussion was safe and animated and it felt good in a way that Raph hadn't experienced in a long time. Just being next to each other, being comfortable and having no expectations.
Nothing they talked about was important or crucial to them currently, but the conversation itself was. After a while they stopped being on their guards and relaxed, easily avoiding the unspoken boundary that neither was ready to approach.
In a way they were getting to know each other all over again.
At some point Leo dozed off. Raph watched him, torn as to whether he should wake his brother and send him off to his own bed.
In the end Raph chose to be selfish. He carefully put an arm around Leo and pulled him closer so that his brother's head rested against Raph's shoulder.
As his brother slept, his breathing deep and slow, Raph remembered that he only slept like that when he felt truly safe.
If nothing else came of their reunion, at least Raph could give him that. He could give Leo `safe'.
It was a small start, but it was a start. That's all Raph wanted at the moment, just to be cautiously optimistic.
He hoped that Leonardo felt that way too.
