My thoughts while watching BAD BOYS II by Alex Reynard
*Oh, noo! Henry Rollins!? Peter Stormare!? Who was blackmailing you two!?
*Right from the start, we have a problem: How can you have a narc movie where the drug is Ecstasy? I mean, that's not exactly the most lethal thing out there. I have a feeling everything that's about to happen wouldn't have if the police weren't restricting people's freedoms.
*It takes Michael Bay to make me feel sorry for KKK members.
*Once again, I find myself staring at the comedy and going, 'Huh?' These jokes are so obviously filler.
*Once again, Will keeps his cool and manages to not have the shittiness of the movie stick to him. [Edit: I will revise this opinion soon.]
*I rated the first Bad Boys a C. Within 20 minutes of this one, I already knew it was worse than Transformers 2. All the bad shit without the redeeming addition of robots kicking the shit out of each other.
*Mike's new car is pretty, but the Porsche 911 was way prettier.
*Oh fuck. Not the 'one partner will soon be transferring' cliche!!
*Pool jokes: not funny and don't make sense.
*Peter Stormare's accent is supposed to be Russian!?
*And then, a bunch of aborigines in muscle cars show up. With a HORN!!! WTF???
*If there's one thing Bay likes more than the military, it's LOUD, DUMB NIGGAZ.
*Ah, the infamous 'zero regard for civilian casualties or property damage' car chase I heard about in the previews. I'm only partway through, and already it really jumps out at you how these 'good guys' are indistinguishable from bad guys.
*Gabrielle Union crashes into a shitload of cars, and I guess all the other drivers disappear or just die. Really hard to tell.
*We really have no idea who these dreadlock guys are or why they're shooting the fuck out of everything. Are they like pirates or vikings!?
*Mike's car is like Megan Fox. Huge fucking shootout and chase; not a scratch on it. (Okay, never mind. I guess Bay had the same idea so he shot up the headlight and glove compartment.)
*Okay, admittedly, this car carrier chase is so unbelievably over-the-top it is rather entertaining.
*A FUCKING BOAT. [Edit: they just fucking showed Mike's car with an un-shot headlight. OF COURSE.]
*I just realized; Marcus is wearing a Michael Vick jersey. Seems oddly fitting.
*Oh good! Joe Pantoliano! Thirty-five damn minutes in...
*Wow, they are totally not mentioning how many civilians died during that car chase/shootout. It was IMPOSSIBLE for at least a few not to.
*WHAT THE FUCK IS UP WITH THIS 'WOOSAA'!? When they first showed Marcus at his shrink appointment, I thought; Big Lipped Alligator Moment for sure. But then they made the most brain-melting running gag in movie history!!
*Joe says "Thank God no cops died." Am I crazy, or did they clearly show a cop getting the fuck shot out of him during the shootout?
*Joe angrily calls the drug dealers 'animals'. This reminds me of the anvilicious 'guy overdosing and dying of ecstasy in the club' bit from earlier. Shades of Reefer Madness. Gotta exaggerate that drug problem! Otherwise the audience might realize that, in real life if all this stuff were to happen, far fewer people's lives would be negatively affected if you just let people put what they want in their own goddam bodies.
*The villain's Mexican accent sounds very cartoonish, yet he looks like a white guy. Oh, and, uh, he has a fat little daughter?
*I'm also noticing Martin Lawrence got him some jowls since the first movie. I guess not all of it was padding in Big Momma's House.
*Aaaaand now they are destroying some poor person's house/shop because he won't give them information. This is, apparently, policework.
*And now they are going into the home of the aborig- I mean Haitian- who caused that whole huge shootout/car chase ...WITHOUT CALLING IN ANY BACKUP!?!?
*"THUH DEVUHH IS NAH WE'CUMM HEEEEEEEEEEEUH!!!" What the fucking goddam shit!? Does every villain in this have to have a ridiculously overpronounced accent so the audience can tell, "Oh, he's foreign, he must be the bad guy!"
*Now the camera is spinning at whiplash speed through two rooms, and I am getting carsick.
*Wait, did that Haitian guy just yip like a Pomeranian before he got shot?
*I will admit, there were parts in the shootout that got my heart pumping. Michael Bay shows occasional flashes of talent, but they really shouldn't let him direct entire movies. Just bring him in for the action sequences and otherwise keep him in a cage or something the rest of the time.
*Wow, Martin Lawrence just said the most sensible thing in the film: "Dead suspects don't say shit."
*OMFG, is that Larry from Tremors The Series!? Neato!
*Okay, the 'porn in the video store' bit is pretty funny. Partly because of personal experience.
*And, yeah, the stuff about Marcus' ass is pretty funny too. LMAO! Especially that last line from the plump mom lady!
*Oh look! A strategically placed Big Gulp cup! Just like the Giant Fucking Miller Genuine Draft Logo from earlier!
*And now cops are doing illegal wiretapping in exchange for Lakers tickets. Because FUCK the constitution! :D
*"worker rats"? "MARSUPIALS"!? And they went ahead and said RAT PUSSY. Just wow. Who wrote this?
*AND THEN THEY ACTUALLY GO AHEAD AND SHOW THE RATS FUCKING. THIS MOVIE IS FROM FUCKING _MARS_!!!
*This really is the least-subtle wiretapping job ever.
*Damn. Josef got fucked UP.
*"Now, you, listen to me you Russian, punk. I! Me! Johnny Tapia! Will sever, your head off." That might be the most awkward line of dialogue I have ever heard.
*I have never before heard the word 'beasts' pronounced like 'pissts'.
*For a second, I thought the pest control van said 'priest control'. That'd be pretty cool, actually.
*Oh fuck. The villain has a comically oblivious mom too. ARRRRGH.
*Wow, from the two sets of cops trading racial jokes, straight to the villain saying 'BLACK putas'. This movie is more concerned with race than any I've ever seen.
*Oh! Gabrielle's character pops up again! I _literally_ had completely forgotten about her!
*'Hey, fuck the fact that our wire's illegal! It only means the entire case against this guy would be thrown out in real life! ESPECIALLY since they already mentioned how this guy likes to sue cops for wrongful arrest!!'
*"just dumb as a bucket of shrimp." I actually like that.
*No... Not more KKK shit. PLEASE, MOVIE, DON'T!!!
*And they just put the KKK guy in the trunk. Gee, do you think he's going to have a BETTER or WORSE view of African Americans after this incident?
*This movie's only 1:14 in and I feel like I've been watching it for days.
*"And then she had fish. It was grouper." Wow, that dialogue slammed into the floor with a wet thud. "I had chicken." OF COURSE HE DID. HE'S A BLACK MAN IN A MICHAEL BAY MOVIE.
*Movie, please stop saying 'woosaa'.
*Oh gee. They are taking the money to the mortuary. Could it be another car chase? Gasp of surprise!
*Hey look! Michael Bay shows up in a cameo and calls a black man a freak! Gee, do you think that *means* anything?
*Oh, no. The van is full of corpses. I remember what they did with the car carrier. PLEASE DON'T, MOVIE!!!
*Having already shown their faces to the bad guys, they then tail them so close the bad guys can look through the window and ID them. Which will lead to another deadly car chase. Will Smith's character is the WORST COP EVER.
*Things I have learned: Vans can drive through concrete pillars without losing speed or sustaining significant damage.
*I just realized: In this car chase, they KNOW where the van is going! They knew where the mortuary is. Why the fuck couldn't they have jus called in backup to meet the van when it arrives there!? Oh, right. Because then we couldn't have another car chase.
*You can tell Will Smith really enjoys filming car chase scenes.
*AND HERE COME THE FLYING CORPSES. GOD DAMN YOU, MOVIE.
*THEY HAVE A CORPSE FLY RIGHT AT THE CAMERA, AND THEN THE COPS RUN IT OVER AND ITS HEAD COMES OFF. In another movie, I might find this funny. Here, I know Bay is just doing this for shock value because that's all he has.
*Let's drive right into a bank, risking the lives of citizens and only not killing any by pure luck! And remember: this is all because of that eeeeevil drug ecstasy!!
*GIGANTIC PEPSI LOGO FOR NO REASON. THIS MOVIE IS A HUMONGOUS WHORE.
*Let's have a gunfight on a crowded train car, surrounded by terrified, screaming civilians! The police are PROTECTING THEM from those HARMFUL, EVIL DRUGS!
*WOW. Bad guy not only gets squished by train, but ELECTROCUTED first. Oh, and his corpse stops the train. Like how those concrete pillars stopped the van earlier. WHAT!? BTW, someone's going to have to hose corpse off of train wheels now.
*All of that property damage and death, and they get neither the drugs (or whatever was in that coffin) or any suspects. And I'll bet their boss yells at them sternly for this!
*Called it. He is sternly yelling at them, and the words he is using are not, "YOU'RE FIRED AND CHARGED WITH RECKLESS ENDANGERMENT."
*STOP WITH THE WOOSAA!!!
*I'm actually amazed they remembered to let KKK guy out of the trunk.
*With every completely valid criticism Marcus makes against Mike, I like him more. I AM LIKING A MARTIN LAWRENCE CHARACTER. BECAUSE HE IS BEING CALM AND LOGICAL. WHAT THE HELL PLANET AM I ON!?
*Will, could you please stop calling that fifteen year old kid a nigger?
*Wow. That whole 'threatening Reggie' scene was one of the most awkwardly horrible anti-comedy moments I've ever sat through. And probably a BLAM, too. [Edit: called it.]
*WHY DID TERRORIZING A FIFTEEN YEAR OLD SUDDENLY MAKE THEM BEST FRIENDS AGAIN!? WHAT WHAT WHAT WHAT WHAT!?!?!?!?
*Can't just call the latino guy a 'fuck'. No, they have to call him a 'latin fuck'. LET'S BRING UP RACE EVERY TWENTY SECONDS!!!
*Um, why are they setting up the tiny cameras where anyone walking by would see them instantly?
*Pepto Bismol mention! Rack up them product placements!
*Why are all the corpses fat white people? It's just kinda weird.
*Oh, I take it back. Now they have "bigass dead titties". NECROPHILIA, MOVIE? REALLY!?
*Gratuitous top-of-head-falling-off. Now, if this were a horror film, I wouldn't mind. But NOBODY who paid to see this movie expected THIS level of corpse-fucking-around-with.
*NO, MOVIE!! DO _NOT_ HAVE MARTIN LAWRENCE ACCIDENTALLY TAKE TWO ECSTASY TABLETS AND TURN INTO A RETARDED LUNATIC!!! I FORBID IT!!!
*Marcus hides under a sheet with the dead chick. And Mike TELLS HIM it's not smart. <facepalm>
*Oh, wait... No. They wouldn't. He just took two ecstasy pills and is under a sheet with the chick with the bigass dead titties. NO, MOVIE, NO!!!!!!!!
*I never thought I would see a movie where a cop was insisting that some other cops drive an ambulance into a mortuary. Michael Bay is so transparently a ten-year-old kid playing with cars in a sandbox.
*Aaaaand they actually drive the ambulance right through the building. DESPITE THE FACT THAT THEY'D SAID EARLIER IF THIS WAS ANYTHING OTHER THAN A CLEAN B&E, THE SUSPECT WOULD WALK. [Edit: there are no repercussions to this action whatsoever.]
*WHEW!!! Astonishingly, they did not sink as far as I was sure they would and have Marcus make out with the dead chick. BUT JUDGING BY THE EDITING, WHAT DO YOU WANNA BET IT WAS EITHER IN THE SCRIPT OR THEY FILMED IT AND IT WAS CUT?
*Also, at 1:40, that car is incredibly gorgeous. But where the hell did it come from!?
*On the other hand, they did go with the cliche of the ecstasy completely destroying Marcus' sense of self and his intelligence. Thanks, movie. If he kisses Joe Pantoliano, I will throw things.
*THERE IS NO WAY IN HELL ECSTASY MAKES PEOPLE ACT LIKE THIS.
*I don't want to see Martin Lawrence's titty.
*ECSTASY DOES NOT MAKE YOU DRINK FLOWER VASE WATER, GODDAMMIT.
*The villain's mom actually asks in front of Gabrielle, "Is she a negro?" GODDAMMIT, MOVIE!!!
*Oh, there's Peter Stormare. I was wondering if his character had just vanished.
*Okay, the cops raid the mortuary and the corpses are gone. When before, they went on a retarded car chase, now they're doing exactly what I said they should do and calling in other cops to follow the van. Why Didn't They Do This The First Time!? Come on, it's not like it's really hard to write a motivation for a car chase scene.
*DAMN IT!!! The cops shot Peter Stormare. I was all geared up for him to go on a serious rampage and fuck up all of the villain's goons. Damn it!! It's like they completely forgot about his character, so they had to kind of shoehorn him in.
*A bunch of shots of helicopters flying around a speedboat. Not as exciting as Bay thinks it is.
*Also, what the hell happened to Henry Rollins? He literally disappeared after the first ten minutes or so. WTF?
*The guy in the boat had a gun, so Mike pulls back pursuit. Seriously, after all his insane, reckless shit, all of a sudden he becomes an intelligent cop and lets backup do the work it's supposed to!? I don't buy it.
*How exactly did that little boat have at least three coffins in it?
*Oh no! The villain has Marcus' sister/Mike's love interest kidnapped on a plane! (After somehow managing to escape from a house completely _surrounded_ by cops!) Will this lead to an action sequence?
*Oh, goddammit. The 360 degree pan "Shit just got real" scene. Really? The line itself isn't that bad, but you actually expect me to believe that's what he'd say after hearing his sister's been kidnapped? Show a little fucking emotion!!
*Oh, hey! There's Henry Rollins! ...From the back! ...For three seconds!
*Oh look! The wimpy skinny white guys are advocating diplomacy to handle the hostage situation! But the tough, manly black men will have none of that! SO ORIGINAL!!!
*Jesus... Is Martin Lawrence actually ACTING in this scene? Where he's on the desk looking like he's holding in tears!? THIS MOVIE HAS INVERTED THE UNIVERSE.
*Oh, and look! All the cops are banding together in support! With heroic music! Because the police (and the military) always know best!
*Aaaaaand here come some military guys. Okay, technically they're CIA. But Bay just can't stop himself from sucking the cock of anything in a fuckin' uniform.
*I feel like I have been watching this movie for years.
*So wait... There's this huge off-the-books military-aided rescue operation for Gabrielle, plus presumably to take out the villain, and they're collaborating with anti-Castro rebels... Isn't this amazingly illegal? I mean, usually when they have the good guys go outside the law to save the day, they do it on their own so it's a little more plausible.
*The villain has a huge portrait of himself as Jesus at the last supper. BIG LIPPED ALLIGATOR MOMENT. [Edit: called it.]
*Really, this movie has completely switched genres from buddy cop film to military-dick-suck-fest.
*Wait, did he just say "a bag of cats and iguanas"!?!? Yes, apparently he did. Apparently throwing cats and iguanas is an integral part of their plan. I mean, it does make sense to confuse the motion detectors. But iguanas don't move much! This is some severely surreal shit.
*Dammit, I know they're inevitably going to kill the villain guy. Why did they have to give him a daughter to make me feel bad about that?
*That pushcart just pooped out Wheelie from ROTF, I swear.
*The whole thing with the RC car with the cameras on it is just weird and implausible and video-gamey. Do they really expect someone five feet away to not HEAR that distinctive RC car sound!? (Oh, okay, it's a bomb. Still, it drove right past a fat guy without him seeing or hearing it.)
*And where the hell are Mike and Marcus? Isn't this their movie? It's all been military guy stuff for the past five minutes or so.
*Okay, the charmingly racist granny has a shotgun. And what if she didn't? Wouldn't the audience react a little harshly to the cop punching her in the face then? Wanna make it okay to hit someone in a movie? Have them act against character and make them a villain!
*He just shot that fat guy's legs out in front of that little girl. MICHAEL BAY, WHY IS SHE EVEN IN THIS MOVIE!?
*Was that Henry Rollins for literally less than a second? I couldn't tell.
*Man, this movie went from goofily over-the-top to dead fuckin' serious. It was not a comfortable transition.
*And now they're killing Cuban soldiers. Soldiers who are doing their duty to repel an unprovoked attack on their soil. Wow. Fuck you, movie.
*There's a giant gatling gun that is shot directly at Mike, Marcus and Gabrielle, missing all three completely. I know it happens in all action movies, but it's still stupid.
*So they blow up the villain's house. Did that little girl just die? And how many Cuban soldiers did too? Isn't this going to cause an international incident!?
*'Let's have a Hummer drive around through the house! SMASHY SMASHY HURR HURR HURR.'
*So their plan is to drive to an American naval base. And what? The Americans will just tell the Cuban soldiers to go home and forget about the Americans who attacked a private home on their soil? Yes, I know he's a drug dealer, but this movie has about as much respect for the spirit of the law as Nixon did. [Edit: AND FOR NO APPARENT REASON, THE CUBAN SOLDIERS WHO WERE CHASING THEM COMPLETELY DISAPPEAR AT THE CLIMAX!!!]
*Man, movie, you are just awful. You have them drive through village shacks, but it's okay because you had the script say they're making cocaine in there! "Look! Up ahead there's some property we might accidentally damage!" "It's okay, they're bad!"
*It's a good thing these are shacks where they make eeevil cocaine, because otherwise I'd worry that, driving straight through flimsy houses like that, they might be crushing innocent human beings.
*OH, AND THEY COMPLETELY STOLE THIS SCENE FROM A JACKIE CHAN MOVIE, YOU MOTHERFUCKERS!!!
*How strange! I see clotheslines and other signs of habitation. And people running away! Is it possible that they might have added that line about the cocaine shacks after realizing, "Oh wait, they're terrorizing innocent civilians on foreign soil." BUT IT'S OKAY!!! BECAUSE WE'RE SASSY BLACK AMERICANS!!!
*Oh my fucking god. They actually added angry villagers chasing the Hummer that just destroyed their village And I swear I saw a kid with a basketball. FUCK YOU, MOVIE. THE PROTAGONISTS ARE NOW OFFICIALLY SUPERVILLAINS.
*Their guns all ran out of bullets. And if it wasn't a dramatic plot point, it never would have happened.
*Also, did Tito just get shot in the hip ...while riding in the back seat of an SUV? I mean, the only way hm getting shot could make sense is if it happened before they got in the Hummer, which it didn't. WHAT!?
*Um, wouldn't the American soldiers have BLOWN THEM THE FUCK UP when they crashed through the gates at Guantanamo? It's not like they have terrorism suspects in there, which would lead to some pretty high security measures, I think.
*TWO GUYS WITH GUNS DRAWN GET OUT OF A HUMMER THAT JUST CRASHED THROUGH THE GATES OF A MILITARY BASE!!! WHY HAVEN'T THE SOLDIERS *WASTED* MIKE AND MARCUS BY NOW!?!?
*Now the Cubans are waving guns around. Why the fuck aren't the soldiers shooting anyone!?!?
*You know, that climax was so stupid, I'm actually pissed off the villain didn't win. AND YES, NOW HIS DAUGHTER HAS NO FATHER. THANKS, MOVIE!!!
*IT'S NOT ENOUGH TO KILL THE POOR BASTARD, THEY HAVE TO BLOW UP HIS CORPSE TOO!?!? WHAT THE FUUUUUCK!?
*Also, Will is standing right near him when the mine goes off, and he's fine? He doesn't even get showered with blood?
*<huge sigh> It's over. Oh, no, wait. It's still running even during the credits. Fuuuuuuuuck.
*I saw it coming just before it happened and i was like, 'No. Do not have the damn dog destroy this pool too. It's retarded. Pools are better made than that.' AND THEN THEY FUCKIN' DO IT ANYWAY!!!
*THERE IS ABSOLUTELY NO REASON FOR THEM TO BE SINGING 'BAD BOYS' RIGHT NOW.
*There are not enough words in the English language to say all the bad things that deserve to be said about this movie. I regard Transformers and Transformers 2 as a single movie, so for something to be worse than them it has to be worse than over four hours of the shittiest filmmaking ever. THIS MOVIE IS WORSE. THIS IS THE MOST AWFUL, LEAST REDEEMING, SOULLESS, POINTLESSLY OFFENSIVE, PAINFULLY DUMB, FRIDGE-LOGIC-O-RAMA THAT HAS EVER BEEN MADE OR COULD EVER *BE* MADE. EEEEEEYAAAAAAAHHH!!!
*I just filled eight pages worth of nitpicks. ON A NINE-POINT FONT. <cries>
*Fuck the numbers: this movie has the longest running time of any movie ever made because it *feels* that way.
*Online, there are actually people who defend this movie and say they love it. Every single one of them should be deported. I am serious.
*OMFG, I just realized: Peter Stormare's character had a wife and a little son too. So that's TWO children crying because their daddies are dead. GODDAMMIT, MOVIE! DO NOT GIVE VILLAINS FAMILIAL ATTACHMENTS!!