Donnie had moved his nest under his bed to sleep in, feeling a little safer underneath it then out in the open.
His sleep was troubled and he was crying out loudly in distressing nightmares. He dreamed a mess of abuse and memories, remembering playing and living with his brothers briefly but then his mind twisted the truth and he saw them turn into huge monsters that towered over him and abused him. He awoke with a scream as his mind dreamed him being pushed into the dark sewer waters to die by his family that was meant to love him.
Raph quickly got out of bed and ran into the smaller's room, turning on the light. "Donnie?! Where are ya?!" The larger turtle searched under the bed and his heart broke when he seen Don so scared and quickly pulled him out from under the bed and into his protective arms. Shielding him from the dark and sick world.
"Donatello?" Leonardo called out, only to stop at the doorway web he seen Raphael rocking the smaller within his arms. His heart breaking at the tears and the fear on Donnie's face.
Donnie was struggling to get away, still in the mindset of his nightmare where these same brothers had been so cruel and left him for dead.
"P.please. I.i'm sorry.." He was crying hysterically and managed to get out of Raph's arms and scramble back under the 'safety' of the bed whimpering with wide brown eyes horrified and scared to be near them. "I.ill be good"
Raphael was stunned. What was Don talking about? Why was he moving away from him?
Guilt. That was what Raphael felt. He was supposed to be the older brother and protect his younger brothers. Instead he had hurt Donnie and now he did not wish to be near him.
But he had to try.
Raphael looked under the bed, a frown on his face. "Don? It's us... It was a nightmare. We won't hurt ya."
"Left me... H.hurt me... I.i'll be good now.... P.please. I be good!" He begged scared that they would pull him back out to punish him for hiding. He knew Raph was disgusted at him so why did he want to touch him?
Were they going to do the same to him now if he wasn't good? Throw him into the deep black sewers to die all over again.
"What? What are ya talking about? I didn't -" Raphael trailed off when Leonardo grabbed him by the shoulder. "Raph, you are only making it worse."
"But ya don't understand. He doesn't understand. I -"
"Raph, he's scared. You are only making it worse. Give him some space." Leonardo had a feeling something more was going on. But he would talk to Raphael about that later. Right now, they just needed to be here for Don, as much as they were allowed.
Donnie curled up in a little shaking ball like a frightened child, eyes wide and not moving as he kept a close watch on both turtles incase they made to grab him. The fact that this was meant to be his family made it worse, all he knew about his family was the lies that he was told all his life.
The only sounds he was making was soft whimpers as he cried hysterically, struggling to breath in his hysteria but calming down a little when no one made to grab or punish him
It broke Raphael's heart to listen to Donatello's cries. He wanted to hold him, protect him, shield him from all the wrongs within the world.
He had no idea where these feelings had come from, but they burned strongly within his chest. But, as much as he hated to say it, Leonardo was right; Donnie needed space and at least some form of comfort that did not involve physical comfort.
The two stayed with Don throughout the night, not once leaving his side. Being there for their little brother.
Donnie slowly calmed down and his crying turned silent, just staying curled up under the bed. This to him seemed like his only safe place where he could go, slowly crawling back into his nest that was also now under the bed.
He didn't know how he felt about the fact that they didn't leave him alone and just sat there watching him
Raphael opened up his mouth to say something, but then stopped and honestly thought about it for a second. "I'm sorry." Raph spoke softly, before slowly removing himself from the floor. Donatello wanted space and he would give him that. But it hurt, knowing that the smaller turtle was back to not trusting him anymore.
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The next day Leonardo sat at the dining room table drinking his tea, having not been able to slept that night. Donatello nor Raphael had yet to leave their rooms. Michelangelo was in the kitchen making breakfast, shrugging when he asked what happened.
"Don had a nightmare and was afraid to let us touch him nor talk to him. Though, it affected Raph the most."
Just then, Raphael walked out of his room, his face and body heavy as he made his way into the kitchen, frowning as he looked at Donnie's room.
This was all his fault.
Donnie had eventually cried himself to sleep and slept for a few hours while tossing and turning in the bedding.
When he woke up he was a bit better, still nervous and not comfortable with leaving the room without being told to. He needed the toilet though and last time they had gotten angry that he'd wet his bedding...
Slowly and still shaking he got up and rushed off to the toilet
Leonardo looked up from drinking his tea and blinked when he seen Donatello rush into the bathroom. He was glad that he was using it on his own. But he frowned when he came out with tear tracks on his face.
Raphael turned around then, guilt on his face when he seen Donatello. Though he tried to keep cool. "Hey, are ya okay?" He asked from across the room, giving Donnie the first move.
The smaller was allowed to do as he pleased. But for some reason, Raph honestly hoped that Donnie would not be afraid of him anymore and come join him.
Donnie had been hoping to just go to the bathroom and then back to his room unnoticed but he'd been seen and now didn't know what to do about it.
He fidgeted on the spot for a moment and only answered Raph by nervously nodding his head. Should he go over and join them or just go back to him room?
Slowly and looking very much like a frightened deer that could run at any second he made his way into the kitchen. He seemed to take a step forwards in his process and then two steps back, nervously taking a couple of biscuits but then sitting on the floor to eat them like he'd had to do in the foot, even though so far he'd sat at the table with the others since he'd been here.
Raphael watched him and sighed. It was his fault, he needed to fix this. The larger turtle rose to his seat and tilted his head for Donatello to follow him.
He knew that this was a lost cause, but he had to. Raph could not bare to see the hurt on Don's face anymore. The hurt that he had caused.
Raphael could tell that Donatello was scared and spoke as quietly and clearly as possible. "About last night... I'm sorry. I Neva meant ta hurt ya. I should have handled it betta. Just... Don't be afraid. I won't do anything ta ya, I promise."
Donnie started shaking again as Raph gestured for him to follow, scared of being alone with Raph now that he knew how disgusted the other was by the thought of Donnie touching him. He was too pathetic and freakish to touch his brother, that's why he was abandoned.
He whimpered throughout Raphs apologies but only nodded his head, not wanting to disagree or go against Raph's wishes and looking tense like he was expecting punishments
Raphael frowned as he watched Donatello. Not liking how scared he looked or how badly he was shaking.
Raph was the older brother. He was supposed to make his younger brothers feel safe and protected. But he had screwed up big time last night.
And now, Donnie was too afraid to be near him. All because Raphael had not thought with his head. Without saying anything, Raph pulled Don into a gentle hug before he slowly pulled away, not wanting Donnie to feel uncomfortable.
"I'm sorry."
Donnie had panicked when Raph reached out to him and grabbed him, but after a quick hug he was let go and stumbled back away from him, looking confused.
Why was he apologizing? Apologizing to Donnie! He wasn't important enough to apologize to. "S.stop... D.don't apologize..." He whimpered, wrapping his arms around himself tightly. "I.i was bad"
Raphael shook his head. No, Don had done nothing wrong. Yes, he should not have done that to Raph, but Donnie did not know what he was doing.
Donatello was broken.
"No, ya did nothing wrong. Ya didn’t know what ya were doing. I shouldn't have treated ya like that." Raphael spoke honestly once more, looking Don square in the face. Letting the smaller know that he was not at all disgusted by him, but was someone that he could trust. Someone he could depend on. And Raph was willing to be there for him, no matter what.
Don did not have to be afraid, not anymore.
Raph didn't look disgusted at him anymore but... why was apologizing? Donatello was trash, a weak, pathetic freak that didn't deserve nice things and apologies because he was lucky enough just to be alive he was so worthless.
"I.i was trying t.to thank y.you" Donnie explained quietly. "I... W.wanted to.. I'm sorry." He stuttered in his soft almost too quiet voice, not understanding what he did wrong
Unfortunately for Raph Donnie wasn't easy to trust anyone once he was scared of them for something, always skittish and jumpy around them because he expected to be punished or beaten the next time they feel like it.
Raphael shook his head, his face heavy with guilt. No, Don should not have to apologize for something that he should have handled better.
Raph was the eldest. And was supposed to take responsibility. Donnie should not be apologizing. The larger turtle should be.
"Don't be sorry, Don." The hothead spoke quietly, a frown upon his face. "I knew ya meant well. Just -" Raphael dropped the conversation for now and just stood there for a few moments.
It was awkward. Not just because of the situation, but because of his dream last night. And now looking at Don was doing something to him that he could not explain.
Donnie fidgeted but didn't argue anymore, by trying to apologize he was just going to make Raph angrier. He very really saw guilt on any of the human's face and didn't understand what the look on Ralph's face was, he hoped it wasn't bad
He had meant well! He didn't know what he did wrong. Did he not do it right? He was only used to humans not turtles so maybe... "I.i meant for i.it to f.feel good... D.did I do... wrong?" He asked nervously, hoping that was all it was, he hadn't understood how to pleasure another turtle since he didn't have much experiance with himself
Raphael's first initiative was to say 'yes', but images flashed through his mind and he quickly shook his head, running a hand over his face. What was he doing?
He should not be thinking about Don like that!
This was was awkward. What was he supposed to say, no? He didn't know. "Well... I guess I - showing gratitude is not just about pleasure Don." Raph spoke honestly, trying to fight off the images of his dream and last night.
"It's - um... Ya can show Gratitude with a hug or just simply saying thank ya." He spoke nervously, this was so awkward and images continued to swim through his head, but he needed to stay focused.
"I.i said t.thank you but... It d.didn't f.feel enough..." His eyes widened looking confused and scared, Raph has looked so disgusted at him when he'd tried. "D.dont you... I.i'm sorry..."
He'd spoken too much, wasn't supposed to talk or think. He was just meant to follow orders but he was never given any here. He didn't know what was expected of him or what the rules are. "Y.you didn't W.want me to... I.i'm not good f.for much else."
The only thing that he was ever taught to be good at was pleasing his master, and now he wasn't even good at doing that. He feel even more worthless and pathetic now and just fidgeted in the spot looking down at the floor waiting to be told what to do.
Raphael was at a loss for words. This is why he barely said anything. Actions spoke louder than words. But it was hard to show Don when the smaller always got the wrong idea whenever they tried to do something.
Raph just continued to dig himself a bigger hole.
He was fidgeting as well. He was not good with words and wanted Donnie to understand. "Yer not a slave here Don. Ya are not obligated ta give us anything." He said honestly, stepping on one foot to another.
This was not like him, since when did he get nervous? What was the smaller doing to him?
"M not good with words Don. One day ya will understand betta." Raphael spoke with a forced smile, patting Donnie on the head. "Get some rest Don." Raph spoke softly and left the smaller's room for the bathroom
He was in need of a cold shower.
Donnie understood the head pat as praise and soaked it up like sponge, nuzzling into his hand like a pet asking for attention. He wasn't stupid though, despite what people thought of him he was secretly very aware and intelligent in certain things, like body language. He knew that Raph was uncomfortable with him and had forced a smile to pretend that he wasn't.
Not knowing what to do he just sat down on the floor to try and think about what had happened and what he'd done wrong, wondering why his brothers didn't want to use him
After taking a shower, Raphael had busied himself by working on his weight lifting equipment. It was hard to focus still. Those wide brown eyes looking down at him... A soft pink blush on olive cheeks... A warm and needy smile...
Raph groaned and got up from his workbench and just sat there, panting and unfocused. What was he doing? These thoughts... They were wrong.
Then why didn't they feel wrong?
Leonardo walked into Raphael's room, standing at the doorway. This was unlike Raph. He seemed more unfocused than usual. "So are you going to finally tell me what happened last night?"
Raphael scoffed and looked away. "I told ya what happened. Now he's scared again."
Leo sighed, knowing there was more but Raph still refused to tell him. "I told you, baby steps. I know you meant well, but he doesn't understand Raph."
Mikey came in and sat down on the end of Raphs weight bench to join the conversation. "I gave Don a bottle of water, but he's just sat on the floor and looks like he's sulking... did something happen?"
He had gotten worried seeing Donnie like that and once he realised that Leo was in Raph's room he felt like he needed to get involved before those two started fighting again, which was pretty common
Raphael sighed, his features laced with guilt as he ran a hand over his face. What really happened last night was between Donatello and himself. Leonardo and Michelangelo would freak out and that was something he did not want.
It was his job to protect Don as he was his older brother and take responsibility for him.
"I messed up. Ya know that wooden car I had all these years? Well, Don made that when we were kids. He made it fer me when mine broke. So I gave it to him an' I think it was too much for him and he ran off."
Leonardo looked towards Donatello's room from where he stood at Raph's doorway. "And what did the two of you talk about a little while ago?"
Raph scoffed. Leo being nosey was annoying. "I tried ta apologize. It did not go well. I should probably check on him..."
"Don made that car?" Mikey had assumed that like all their other toys that car had just been found in the sewers, though this made sense why Raph treasured it so much all these years.
"Wow... He must have been really smart to make something like that." Mikey couldn't remember much about him but looking at the car, that had now been put back in its place on Raphs shelf, it was amazing it Don had made that as a child!
"He was." Raphael said with a soft smile. "He made other little toys too. But that was the only one that didn’t get left behind or lost." Though, that was because that wooden car was special to his heart.
"It's hard ta see him now. So broken and so unsure of everything..."
"All we can do is be here for him as much as we can. Donatello just needs time." Leonardo spoke honestly. In all actuality, he had no idea that Don had made that car.
After all these years and Leo still felt more separated from his brothers.
Mikey smiled softly as well, trying to imagine what it must have been like with the four of them instead of just three
"I wonder if he remembers anything... He seems to just accept the way they treated him. He didn't even make too much fuss when we brought him here considering everything he's been through." He pointed out hoping that could help in some way.
Apart from his initial freakout when they brought him here he hadn't shown any signs of wanting to go back or that he didn't want to be here, the only thing he kept mentioning was his grubby old collar they had taken from him
"I don't think he does. He might remember some things but not everything. Donatello, we don't really know what he has been through during his time with the foot. Besides the rape and abuse."
Both older turtles scowled to this. Shredder would be getting a taste of his own medicine soon.
"He just does what he is told. Neva does anything fer himself. All his life, fer what it was at the foot, he has been told what ta do. So he is confused and unsure of what ta do." Raphael said sadly.
"Maybe once he is more comfortable around all of us, we can ask him more questions about what happened."
For now, healing was key.
"I heard him going to the bathroom by himself. That some improvement at least right?" Mikey always tried to be optimistic, it made him sick to think of how anyone could treat a living thing the way Donnie had been treated with those humans.
It actually put Mikey off humans a little, which was saying something since he'd always wished he could be like them
"Hopefully he'll get used to us soon. I always wanted a little brother, but not like this..." Mikey sighed sadly, feeling guilty for not even remembering him much and that they hadn't known to do anything about it before now
"Yes. Little things like that is showing great progress. But it will probably take months to a year for everything to finally soak in that he is no longer in danger."
Leonardo frowned to what Michelangelo said next. No one wanted donnie to be like this. They should have known sooner. Leo walked over to Mikey and hugged him gently, Raphael and himself sharing their own guilty and sad looks.
"He is slowly. We just need to give him time. He just needs rest and to regain his health. I noticed he had put on a little weight, but it's still a long ways to go."
Mikey hugged Leo back tightly, letting his oldest brother comfort him physically as well. The foot were going to pay for doing this to their little brother, Mikey wasn't a violent person, but he hadn't thought twice about killing the ones that he's seen abusing him. He'd kill anyone he thought would harm his family if he had too.
"I... Don't think he really understand that he's not in danger... He'd always done things a certain way and doesn't understand that they're wrong and degrading to him..."
Leonardo held Mikey as tightly as he could, a frown marred onto his face. Everything the smaller had just said was the truth. Although they teased Mikey all the time for his silly actions, Michelangelo was actually quite smart as well and very understanding of others.
"We will just have to make him understand. But slowly." Leo put emphasis on the last part as he looked towards Raphael
Raph got the message and grunted as he stood up. "I'll go check up on him."
Mikey was a very emotional person, hated seeing anyone on pain. and seeing someone who was a brother suffering like this was slowly killing him on the inside. "He's gonna be ok... He has to be." His voice was firm with no room for failure, they needed to get their brother back so he could meet him properly, the way he was meant be and not this hollow shell
"He will be." Leonardo promised. "Because we will be there for him every step of the way. He is not alone anymore."
