A friend once sat with me and told me " I've been reading your stuff lately and I feel that you're right. I'm just going to stop caring what anyone has to say. " They felt like they were free. That they could feel happy by choosing to not feel at all. That by closing everyone out and not caring..it was good for them.
Absence is only ever absence.
I sit with many people. I hear many stories. I've told my own and you probably know them. Deep down inside we mean well to others or ourselves, but there must be a time when we reflect. When we stop and look around us. When we see deeper into our reasoning and ask ourselves what we are doing.
Am I a good person...?
I would not know. Good, what is good in this world? To me, it is being strong when I feel utterly weak in the face of adversity. I will never find that in hating people or returning harm. What is good in this world? To me, it is being patient when all I want to do is scream. What is good in this world? To me, it is seeing someone smiling, and knowing that smile is genuine. Remembering that the hardest things we can do for ourselves can sometimes be the greatest things we do for ourselves.
Inside myself is madness, irrationality, fear, loathing, doubt, sadness, loneliness..and I feel weak sometimes. I feel hurt when people make fun of my work. I feel angry, I feel...humiliated.. and I will sit in the silence of night thinking that tomorrow will not come....and it does. I was cruel and hid behind the guise that I loved people so much that I had to show them this...this form of tough love. To be relentless, impatient, explosive...weak...what message was I giving..? That this is the way I wanted the world to be and my life to be?
We have a choice. We always have a choice. No matter how bad things can get. You can be the worst person in this world but that does not mean the choices are beyond your reach. The kindest soul can house unrelenting hate...and you know what...? It can become love. Passion. Empathy. Patience...
Be patient..I know you can do this. I know you can be happy without the cost of others happiness in return. I know you can grow as a person if you just let it happen. It takes time. Be good to yourself in the meanwhile.
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8 years, 10 months ago
24 Jan 2016 01:19 CET
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