I need to get this off my chest...

I apologise for the lack of Halloween updates but I do have a explanation for it

It's been a rough week on a personal level and that has killed my motivation, especially with how I look at my art. I can't shake the feeling that it sucks, that I'm doomed to always fail. It doesn't help that while I'm thankful that I got advice, I'm told (despite following similar steps to try and get painstakingly better for a while) I've been doing things all wrong the whole time regardless. I have at least two pictures ready to be uploaded, but I've been told that the soft shading techniques I've used and have been trying to improve upon looks cheap, that soft shading as a whole makes a picture look cheap. I know it shouldn't get to me but it does. It makes my work as a whole feel cheap, worthless and embarrassing.

I'll be truthful, to you and to myself. I don't respond well to harsh criticism and I'm anxious when the day comes that a number of people let all hell loose on my work and tell me that it 'sucks', that I should be 'ashamed' and so on. Don't get me wrong, if someone comes to criticise what I draw, I'll kindly tell them to fuck off. It's not what I draw that I'm worried about, it's how I draw it. I'll tell you why because hiding it is killing me inside.

It's because I've done it myself in my head. I've never commented on those pieces because the back button exists for a reason but sometimes I think, 'Man I'd rather not look at that piece', 'It looks awful' or 'it's eh'. Hypocritical? Totally. I'm ashamed of doing it which is why whenever someone asks me about how their art is and it's not the best of drawings, I'll tell them truthfully that it's not the best but also how to improve so they can reach the same level as their favourite artist or even surpass them in time. It's because its true that it can happen. But the fact is that initial thought still crosses my mind and I know it makes me a horrible person. Feel free to call me that, I know I deserve it.

I've have this paranoia that many people who comment on my work, including many who are better than me are only speaking positively about my work to appear nice when they think it's actually awful. Yes that includes friends. Crazy right? And because it includes friends, I've been trying to distance myself away from them, not just to lessen this overbearing paranoia but to make sure they don't have to deal with my complaining about this whole subject. I know they're sick of it. I'm sick of it. I try to change the subject in my mind but I just can't contain my thoughts and I can't stand it. I've been tricked before and taken for a fool in the past and because of that, I'm unable to trust anyone's word, not even my friends. It's very pathetic and it's projecting to the highest level. I am well aware of this fact. I'm not going to make an excuse like 'I can't help it' or just not try. I've been trying, trust me. It's just feels nigh impossible to shake this paranoia off. I don't know if I'm right or dead wrong. That's most likely why I keep asking for confirmation and constructive criticism, so I can actually get good at what I draw. Probably also for sympathy, which terrifies me.

Am I any good?

No, what I want to say is that I'm sorry, for the annoyance I've caused and the fact that this is how I've actually been feeling this whole time. I'm apologise to my watchers, my friends and to all the artists I've met thee past 2 years.

(also because I've been playing Dragon Quest VII and Dragon Quest Builders that there's a delay. Great games btw)

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Added:	7 years, 6 months ago 17 Oct 2016 09:06 CEST

5 Comments on this Journal

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Darksorm

7 years, 6 months ago

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I understand m8! My work might not be anywhere close to a similar vein as yours, but the same idea hits me. I often feel terrible about what I make, that I could be better, longer, more intense, which leads me to more ambitious projects that inevitably fail, rather than settling for what Im able to do. And the criticism, while usually constructive, hits me hard.

Honestly, I rather like soft shading overall, has a effect all its own, and I wouldn't personally say it looks cheap.

GeneralGodzilla

7 years, 6 months ago

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@ Darksorm

Yeah, I know the feeling of having a great idea but failing horribly when executing it. It's a motivation killer.

darc0stri

7 years, 6 months ago

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Edited 7 years, 6 months ago by Owner

It doesn't make you horrible that your eye exceeds your hand. It's something that a lot of artists have and is very useful in offering critique and even catching problems in your own work if you can take a step back. It's a good thing that you recognize it and almost every artist will flow between the limit of their perception and the quality of their output when looking at their own art, and those that are always in a state of distaste for their own output regardless of improvement have a blessing and curse in that their ability to perceive problems has grown as well. Giving criticism though you don't feel you can handle receiving it isn't bad so long as it's constructive and perhaps requested, so don't feel bad for doing it in your head, because it's a valuable exercise in artistic awareness, and can benefit others if they're open to it.

On the matter of actually receiving criticism, I know that it's a tough sort of thing, and even knowing that something isn't going to be received well is disheartening, but it's very important to push past that and recognize that each and every piece is a learning experience. It might be hard not feeling like your work is up to par, but but no one is perfect, and it's a long road to satisfaction and a slow one for growth to most.

As long as you enjoy drawing on a personal level, then try to break out of that anxiety and openly consider criticism as something valuable. Even if it's difficult, be persistent.

It may be daunting, but a satisfied artist isn't a growing artist, so if you can enjoy the journey and acknowledge that there'll always be bumps, you'll never stop growing and still enjoy the process regardless of what you might see as a failure or a problem. If you do that, you won't have a reason to worry about a lack of honesty either, as you can openly ask for critique from those who've never seen your work when you post it up. You don't improve before a single piece of work, you improve through and after the observation and creation of several, gradually.

You'll be able to enjoy the praise of some, and reap the benefits of the criticism of others if you can pull away from these fears. Sure there are some people that just say something sucks, but if you can find something constructive at all in the comments or from friends after each piece, you have what may be gold on your hands for your personal development.

In short. Have fun drawing first and foremost, be persistent in making, putting up, and improving work, recognize that there's nothing wrong with criticizing the work of others as a personal exercise, and that it is in-fact useful for their development if they would like input, and try to pull away from the anxiety and fear of criticism if you can help it, because there's a lot to gain by doing so.

I hope you get out of this corner and end up happy with what you do. Be well :)

GeneralGodzilla

7 years, 6 months ago

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@ darc0stri

Thank you for the advice. It means a lot.

darc0stri

7 years, 6 months ago

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@ GeneralGodzilla

No problem :)

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