Storytime with Dr. Robotnik
This is the rough script for an animated web series I may start working on in the future.
The premise of the show features Dr. Robotnik from the Adventures of Sonic the Hedgehog sitting in a chair reading a story to the children of the audience while Herbert (The pedofile from Family Guy) acts as his cameraman who often chimes in, creating an interesting back and forth argument between them in every episode.
The funny twist of the show is that more often than not, Dr. Robotnik is either completely drunk or high and has absolutely no idea what he's talking about, often completely making the story up on the spot and doing little to no research on the topic he's even talking about in anyway whatsoever.
At the end of each episode is a segment called 'Scratch Says' where, in a similar fashion to the 'Sonic Says' segments in the Adventures of Sonic the Hedgehog, Scratch and Grounder from the same show would give life advice to children ranging on various topics such as babysitting, volunteer work, the importance of nature and dealing with school bullies.
The twist of these segments however is that the advice they give is absolutely detrimental, foul and more than likely the last thing you'd ever want your child to hear. Often going into sick, perverse detail on how to get away with criminal acts such as stealing, murdering, accessing illegal content on the internet, the benefits of allowing yourself to be molested by a school teacher and the fun side to being the schoolyard bully.
For those who do read or watch these segments please note that these episodes are meant to serve as satirical comedy and not serve as a how to guide on how to actually get away with such acts.
This entire show in and of itself is extremely offensive and often makes light of racism, child molestation, homophobia and pretty much anything else anybody could easily be offended by.
So fuck you and don't be offended.
Cheers!
Index
Storytime with Dr. Robotnik
#1 - Kingdom Hearts
#2 - Pokemon
#3 - Super Mario Sunshine
#4 - Mr. Bean
#5 - Harry Potter and the Philosopher's Stone
#6 - Wreck it Ralph
#7 - The Looney Tunes
#8 - Spider-man
#9 - The History of North Korea
#10 - Sonic Boom
#11 - The Fresh Prince of Bel Air
#12 - The Adventures of Sonic the Hedgehog
Scratch Says (these segments haven't been fully completed yet)
#1 - Nature
#2 - Taking care of the Elderly
#3 - Bullying
#4 - Babysitting
#5 - Shoplifting
#6 - Video Game Addiction
#7 - Taking care of Pets
#8 - Volunteering
#9 - Taking care of the Homeless
#10 - Frisky Teachers
#11 - Getting in a car with Strangers
#12 - Internet Safety
Storytime with Dr. Robotnik
Storytime with Dr. Robotnik #1 - Kingdom Hearts
Robotnik: Hello there boys and girls. I'm the supremely intelligent and magnificent Dr. Ivo Rrrrobotnik, and today, I'm going to tell you all the story about Kingdom Hearts.
Now, This is a story about a little boy, a naked little boy who likes to hit things with his big stick! (Cut to him whacking Goofy like a baseball using his censor bar that was covering his penis as a baseball bat)
Goofy: YAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHH-HOOO-HOOO-HOOOIIIEEEEEE!!!
Robotnik: And there's this group of whiny emo fags who want to abduct this naked little boy and make him part of their stupid cult.
Axel: The cult of Onision.
Robotnik: But really, they just want to get hit with his big stick. (Cut to Sora whacking Donald Duck in the exact same way)
Donald: BWWWWUUUAAAAAAAAACCCKKKKK!!!!
Robotnik: Then there's also Mickey Mouse, and he's all like
Mickey: Gosh, you oughta put some clothes on there, fella. Ha-ha.
Robotnik: But the boy's all like "No way, Hosey!" And then he goes off to hit more things with his big stick! (Cut to Sora whacking Aladdin)
Aladdin: OOOOFFF!!
And uhhh.... (cut to Tifa bouncing her breasts up and down with the SFX James Pond makes when he's out of water and then cut to Cloud Strife silently blushing pink) ...some other stuff happens.
Anyway, That's probably the story about Kingdom Hearts, join me next time where I'll tell the story of another naked little boy who likes to throw his balls all over southeast Asia.
(Herbert the pedofile from Family Guy as the cameraman faints)
Robotnik: Pull yourself together you worthless wimp.
Herbert: Oohhhhhhh ma staaarrrssss....
Robotnik: uhhhh... see you next time.
Storytime with Dr. Robotnik #2 - Pokemon
Robotnik: Ahhhhh, hello there boys and girls. I'm the supremely intelligent and handsome Dr. Ivo Jewish middle name Rrrrobotnik, and today, I'm going to tell you all the tale of the horny little boy and his big red balls. His name was Pokemon!
Now, somewhere in Southeast Asia there's this annoying brat called Pokemon, and Pokemon hated wearing clothes. Professor Oak was all like
Oak: Hmm, you need to put on some clothes young man if you don't want to catch a cold.
Robotnik: And he was all like "Ah ain't got time for your tiddliwinks, you jive turkey. I got mah big red balls and ah'm taking them all over tooooooowwwwn!" *Loud belch*
So then the little boy ran off into the forest, and there was this annoying ginger bitch on this bicycle and she was all like
Misty: You better figure out how to repay me for my old bike, you little turd!
Robotnik: But the boy ain't taking that lip from no one, so he gets out his big red balls and then he pee's all over her. Then he pushes her off that damn bike and rides it into the hills!
Little did he know, there's these two gender fags hiding in the bushes with their talking cat. They're into that sort of thing so they decide to ride a giant cobra and chase after the little bastard.
So then Pokemon finally gets to the land filled with sexy police women with blue hair and a bunch of hairy albinos. They called it Viridian City but we all know it's really Amsterdam.
And thats the story of the big balled bastard named Pokemon.
Join me next time when I'll be telling the story of some other hairy little runt who likes to pee on things.
(Herbert the pedofile as the camerman faints again)
Robotnik: Pull yourself together, you worthless wimp!
Herbert: Oooohhhhh Daaaaiiissssyyyyy...
Robotnik: Uhhhhh, see you next time.
Storytime with Dr. Robotnik #3 - Super Mario Sunshine
Robotnik: Ahhhh, hello there boys and girls, I'm the supremely intelligent and tasteful Dr. Ivo Rrrrobotnik, and today, I'm going to tell you all the tale of a man named Super Mario Sunshine.
Now, somewhere out there in Europe there's a man named Super Mario Sunshine. He's a hairy little bastard who likes to go around peeing on things.
And there's these two giant turtles who are on vacation. One of them looks like Don King, and the other sounds like New York Barbara Winsor (Cut to Kenneth Williams from Carry On Camping saying "GASP Barrrbara!!")
And these two big dumb fags are trying to enjoy themselves when all of a sudden SUPER MARIO SUNSHINE comes along and pee's all in their hot tub and all over their faces.
Then he runs down to the village square and pees all over the damn mushroom people. Bunch of neo coloured hippies is what they are! They DESERVED to get peed on.
Anyway, there's this ugly bitch called Princess Toadstool Peach, and her names just as long and stupid as his is, and she's all like
Peach: Oh I wish that handsome Italian man would come pee on me sometime.
Robotnik: But Super Mario Sunshine doesn't swing that way because he's only into fat women! So then he goes around peeing on more unsuspecting locals. The end.
Herbert the pedofile: Man, that was not the story I was expecting when you mentioned it last week.
Robotnik: SHUT UP! No one asked you, you Jive Bug! Anyway, join me next time boys and girls when I'll be telling the story about some stupid retarded bloke who likes to annoy posh people for a living.
Herbert: Man, ah'm gonna have to get my kicks elsewhere if this shit keeps up.
Robotnik: Mind your own damn business!
Storytime with Dr. Robotnik #4 - Mr. Bean
Robotnik: Ahhh, Shalom there boys and bitches! I'm the supremely intelligent and snappily dressed Dr. Ivo Rrrrrrrrobotnik, and today I'll be telling you all the tale of some stupid retarded fellow called Mr. Bean.
Now, somewhere out there in England was this stupid retard called Mr. Bean. His parents didn't want him so they gave him a shit stained suit and tie and kicked him out the front door. He tried getting a job at Fawlty Towers but John Cleese didn't want his stupid ass neither so he kicked that bitch right into the curb.
(show a clip of that happening with Basil Fawlty dusting off his hands and then saying "Cheerio!")
Robotnik: Anyway, Mr. Bean had enough of Devon and all of those snooty posh bastards so he decided to hop on a train headed for London and would start a new life wherever the train would take him, but when he got to London he discovered they were all a bunch of posh gits as well, so he decided to go the way of Sam Pepper and his stupid hair and prank the shit out of them!
And thats the story of why most YouTubers are annoying pricks with stupid hair who actually think we give a shit!
The end.
Herbert: Man, you better not be talking about Shane Dawson or I'm gonna come over there and slap you right in your penis.
Robotnik: No one cares about that ass burger you Taiwanese terrorist! Now stop interrupting my pointless videos and hold that damn camera already.
Herbert: Shane Dawson'll kick your ass.
Robotnik: ...Join me next time boys and girls where I'll be telling you the tale of a bunch of other posh boarding school fags who like to spend their time terrorising a burn victim.
Herbert: I wish that Leafy kid would come over here and beat my ass. Mmmmmmmm I'm telling you, that'll be one for the record books...
Robotnik: Do whatever you want, just shut up and keep it to yourself you smelly old hag! Join me next time!
Storytime with Dr. Robotnik #5 - Harry Potter and the Philosopher's stone
Robotnik: Ahhhhh, hello there boys and girls, I'm the supremely sexy and intelligent Dr. Ivo Rrrrobotnik, and today, I'll be telling you all the story of a bunch of posh gits named Harry Potter.
Now, somewhere out there in England is this posh Boarding School named St. Trinians or some shit, and a bunch of nerdy little dweebs with posh rich parents go there, all of them are named Harry Potter.
The ringleader of these fags is some ugly little runt named Harry Potter. Him, ginger Harry Potter, Mary Sue Harry Potter and some ladyboy with blonde hair who's probably also called Harry Potter all live in this castle with some crusty old pedofile called Darwin... or Bumblebee or some shit. And there's also this creepy transgendered looking Mo-fo called Solid Snape or whatever, that old woman from Marigold Hotel and half the population of people who think BBC Comedy Sketch shows are actually funny.
They're all probably called Harry Potter as well so lets go with that. Oh and that fag from Twilight makes a cameo at some point, errrr, lets not worry about him for now.
Anyway, there's this burn victim called Thunderbold or some crap. He's upset because Harry Potter's dad screwed him over in a game of chess so he hangs around dingy bars with Johnny Depp's autistic looking wife and some guy who looks like Sephiroth.
They all decide they're gonna put these posh cunts in their place so they go to Dr. Zitbag's castle or whatever it's called with their glowy sex toys and long gothic robes and challenge all the Harry Potters to the ultimate game of Rugby!
Darwin or whatever his name was gets so excited over the prospect of those peachy little dweeps running around in tight shorts that he has a heart attack and dies!
So now it's up to Catelin Jenner or whoever that tranny looking fellow was to help organise the match and get those damn dweebs all into shape.
And he was all like "Buckle up, Buckaroos!" and spanked them on their asses as they ran off into the field. But little did they know, the burn victim guy has a secret weapon up his sleeve and that was Bruce Forsyth and he was all like "Oh, how nice to see you" and then he came at them nerdy mother fuckers and rubbed all their faces in the mud.
Burn victim Vicky won the game and him and Johnny Depp's cyberpunk looking wife got married and lived happily ever after in some posh cottage somewhere with Sephiroth as their house butler who serves them tea and crumpets and fetches them the morning paper while the damn dog pee's on his legs!
Anyway, that's the tale of Harry Potter and the Philosopher's stone. Join me next time where I'll be telling the story of a giant simpleton named Wreck it Ralph and the greedy little munchkins who won't let him have his way. Join me then!
Herbert: You've really gotta thing for midgets, don't you?
Robotnik: Errr, shut up you old fool. I'm just telling the children how it really is. That's all. Join me next time boys and girls.
Herbert: No, you really got a thing for midgets.
Robotnik: SHUT UP!!
Storytime with Dr. Robotnik #6 - Wreck it Ralph
Robotnik: Ahhhhh, hello there birds and bitches, I'm your host, Dr. Ivo Rrrrobotnik and today, I'll be telling you all the story of a gigantic simpleton who doesn't even exist named Wreck it Ralph.
Now, somewhere out there in the rural pits of Australia lives a lonely old pervert who makes a living molesting children. His name's Mr Weedwhacks or some shit.
Anyway, there's this gigantic fellow named Wreck it Ralph, and he's upset because a bunch of angry dwarfs kicked him out of his home and stole his record collection. The king of these dwarfs is some ugly runt named Bill O'REilly, and these retarded fellows need a place to crash so why not do like the Americans did in the 1640's and invade some other morons land and kick them out of it.
That's Patriarchism!
Anyway, these ugly midgets have this care worker see, his names Fix it Felix or some German shit like that. And this campy little fellow just loves to please these pissed off little munchkins.
Anyway, knowing that nobody gives the slightest shit about his whiny schoolgirl problems, Wreck it Ralph decides to head down to the local bus shelter and make a new life for himself with all the other stupid cartoon nigro's who live there. But some ugly runt mistakes him for Lara Croft and tells him he ain't welcome there, sister!
So then he wanders off like some giant neander fall into the local junkyard, where some pissed off feminist yells at him for half an hour over her stupid problems, then smacks him around the head a couple of times, as I'm sure all feminists do.
He then passes out and wakes up in a land filled with candy and children, and some creepy old man who's into that sort of thing.
Anyway he meets some little brat there named Susan who robs him blind of the only spare change he has left. Having enough of life he decides to strangle that little bitch to death and thats when the donut police come along and lock his worthless ass in jail.
Now finally Wreck it Ralph has a place to call home, 3 meals and day and an imaginary friend called Tim...
Join me next week where I'll be telling you all the story of a bunch of other camp furries and a stupid retard with a shotgun who doesn't approve of that sort of thing.
See you then!
Herbert: You've really got a thing for child molestation, ah can tell you that.
Robotnik: ...That's not what you're supposed to be getting from all this, you Taiwanese garden gnome!
Join me next week boys and girls!
Storytime with Dr. Robotnik #7 - The Looney Tunes
Robotnik: Ahhh, happy Middle Eastern greeting there, boys and girls! I'm your host and overweight Sultan Dr. Ivo Robotnik. I'd sit here and make a joke about Allah or anything else that goes on in their wacky religion but quite frankly my dear, even I'm not that fucking stupid!
(An Iraqi flag then drops down behind Robotnik and some intense Middle Eastern music plays in the background while he sits there staring intensely into the camera - Oh and P.S. he's wearing a purple sultans hat and robe for this episode)
(Robotnik then removes the sultans hat and robe while the flag rolls itself away like a projector screen so that he can proceed with the episode)
Robotnik: Anyway, today I'll be telling you all the tale about a bunch of creepy furries and the local retard who had nothing better to do but impose his Christian values on them. This is the story of a place called Looney Tunes!
Now, somewhere out there in Charleston, USA is a place called Looney Tunes. There, people like to dress up like cartoon animals and have sex with one another. It used to be the place where the Manson Family lived until those pesky Native Americans got involved!
Anyway, in this commune all manner of gross shit goes down ...or up?
Anywhoooo, the leader of this group of weirdo's was a man calling himself Bugs Bunny. He liked to tuck his dick in between his legs, dress up like a rabbit and suck carrots for a living. He had a twin retarded brother named Donald Duck, an effeminate local farmer called Humping Leghorn or some crap, a chubby little pig named Hamton and a mute bastard who doesn't say anything called Willy Coyote.
Anyway, these poor bastards needed refuge from the outside world and their hurtful YouTube comments so they decided to set up this looney little commune to attract more creepy damn furries who are into that sort of shit, and low and behold, they attracted quite a few. A crossdressing man in his 40's called Lola, an anorexic truck driver called Roadrunner, a French bastard called Pepe and a campy little dweeb called Sylvester. Oh and some aging lesbian woman named Granny and her retarded little son named Tweedy. Sylvester doesn't APPRROOOOOOVVVVEEEEEEE of them, the judgemental bastard!
Also Shane Dawson was there in his stupid little drag costumes making jokes about sucking hot dogs, which apparently everyone found funny. Onision was ever so jealous.
Before long, their stupid commune was full of these birth defected weirdo's, and they had all sorts of fun in their stupid costumes. It was like a holiday camp for nudists only everyone there was damn convinced they were a talking animal. Damn weirdos!
Anyway, little did these A-holes know, there was a man who wasn't happy about all these jolly goings on! He was a grumpy old git who lived next door to the commune and his name was Elmer Fudd! He was pissed off because those damn furries were making too much noise and playing shitty YMCA music all night long, with their damn streamers and stupid party balloons. He was all like...
Elmer Fudd: OOoohhh, what they're doing is an awfont to God I tells ya! I'm gonna put a stop to these pesky shenanigans and put those awful sinners back in their pwace where they bewong. Hahahahahahaha.
Robotnik: So with that, Elmer grabs his holy bible, strokes it tenderly, grabs his coat and shotgun and heads out the door to deal with those damn hooligans.
Elmer Fudd: Wooops! Awmost forgot my baseball bat! hahahahahahahahha.
Robotnik: Now, being the noble man of God that he was, Elmar didn't think it fair to go into that commune alone, so he went over the community and knocked on every rednecks door to ask if they'd join him in clubbing those stupid homo's and teaching them some manners.
He knocked on the first door...
Elmer: Uhhh, excwuse me sir, but if you could spare just a moment of your time...
Earl Hickey: Dang it, Randy, what have ah told you about putting your dang penis in the toaster oven...
Randy: But Earl, ah just wanted to see if ah could make it smell nice is all...
Robotnik: He knocked on the second door...
Elmer: Excuse me sir, but if you would be so kind as to...
Angry Grandpa: LEMME TELL YOU ONE GODDAMN THING!!!! HERE! *farrrtttttttt* TAKE THAT, MOTHER FUCKER!!
Pickleboy: DAD STOP!!!!
Angry Grandpa: FUCK YOU!!!!
Robotnik: And then finally, he decided he wasn't gonna get shit from those damn redneck looneys and their stupid bar room floozies and decided to drive all the way to Texas to see if his old friend Yosemite Sam would help. Fortunately for him the trip was worth it, Yosemite Sam was so outraged that them damn queers were still out there somewhere...
Yosemite Sam: WHAT!?! Them damn queers have found another commune!?! Well that does it, come on boys! Ah chased that Manson feller out for not paying his rent in the 60's, but if it's queers I'd head to China to take care of 'em if ah had to.
Robotnik: Yosemite Sam's word travelled fast and before you could say Christian Weston Chandler's old home address out loud, he had gathered up the entire state of Texas! They all got in their pissed off pickup trucks, with their pissed off pitchforks and stupid pissed off bibles...
Bible: Grrrrrr.
Robotnik: ...And they drove all the way back to Charleston to take care of those pesky looney bastards once and for all.
The end!
Join me next week boys and girls when I'll be telling you all the tale of a dorky little virgin who desperately wanted to fit in called Spider-man.
Herbert: Man, that was the worst story you've ever told, Ah'm surprised people even tune in to listen to this shit...
Robotnik: Who cares!? Everyone knows I make this crap up as I go along. Look, the book I'm reading is empty! There are no words in this bitch!
Join me next time!
Storytime with Dr. Robotnik #8 - The Amazing Spider-Man
Robotnik: Ahhhh, hello there boys and witches. I'm the suplendius Dr. Ivo Rrrrrooooooooooobotnik, and today, I'll be telling you all the tale of a desperate virgin named Spider-man.
Now somewhere out there in Queens was this dorky little slender bender called Spider-man. His parents disowned him so he had to be adopted by Uncle Ben who was tired of being black for some reason.
Anyway, Spider-man was a nerdy little dweeb who didn't get the girl, what he did get however was a hand job from James Franco in the back of a limousine that one time while Willem Dafoe just sat there and stared at him intensely. (Cut to image of Willem Dafoe as Norman Osborne giving a creepy smirk to the camera)
Anyway, Spider-man was sick of that noise and somehow gained superpowers, like all awkward New York teens like to do. What else is there to do in that damn city?
Anyway, he was desperate and horny and wanted to spread his load all over the unsuspecting city folk of Manhattan, but there was this girl see, called Gwen Stefani, and she was all like
Gwen Stacy: Gosh Peter, I really wish you'd spray your web all over me, but I'm a super important scientist and my boss won't like it. Bite my lip, twirl my hair, winky face, etc.
Robotnik: But Andrew Garfield didn't care what the script says, he's gonna spray that load all over this bitch. Then he started crying and smacked the little bitch right square in the jaw!
Then Gwenpool fell out a window and landed square deep right on top of Hillary Clinton during a peace rally or some shit. Bitch got brain damage and decided to become a feminist after that.
And thats the story of why fat tumbler bitches are all into Spider-Gwen. Join me next time when I'll be telling you all the story about how North Korea came to be.
Herbert: Uh-Oh, ah'm gettin' the heck out of here. Ah ain't sticking around to get my ass blown off by those god damn, square eyed wacky asians...!"
Robotnik: No one cares what you think you wrinkly old milkshake. Just keep that camera steady and shut up already! Join me next time.
Storytime with Dr. Robotnik #9 - The history of North Korea
Robotnik: Ahhhh, hello there giggles and cream. I'm your magnificent and stunning host, Dr. Ivo Rrrrrrrobotnik, and today, I'll be telling you all the story about North Korea.
Best put on your war helmets for this one boys and girls, we's gonna get bombed, yo!
Anyway, our story begins in a far off land full of asian dwarfs. A bunch of pissed off Japanese people wanted the dwarfs for their stupid Nazi circus but they already pissed off Theodore Roosevelt so they were shit out luck!
Anyway, Russia stepped in to protect those damn dwarfs because they wanted help with their stupid circus as well, so BAM! Einstein set off the nukes and there goes Japan and their creepy schoolgirl porn.
Anyway, Joseph Stallone who was head of Russia's PTA decided to appoint an old man named Kimberly in charge of Korea, but this crazy bastard cared about one thing and one thing only, Russian Gold.
So he decided to turn his dwarf people into a bunch of agricultural farmers and skipping military soldiers who listen to crappy music about a woman with stupid hair who picks roses for a living, then banned everyone from looking fashionable and made them all worship statues of him every morning.
This was all to bide him some time before he could attack Russia and steal their gold, and take his shlong out on the United States while he was at it. Because why not? Everyone else does.
But in the end, Kimberly was too old and fat so he decided to have his son Kimberly II take his place while he mummifies himself in North Korean Neverland, just like Michael Jackson did after his doctor fucked his brains out. Thats how the Egyptians really did it, boys and girls! Hanky Panky with a shit load of spanky until the bastard finally diieeeeesssssss!!
Anyway, Kimberly II wasn't into hanky spanky and all that noise and secretly wanted to be a movie director instead, so he went to South Korea and kidnapped a bunch of people so he could make Godzilla movies!
And thats the story of why Godzilla hates Japanese people...
ANYWAAAAAAYYYYYY, while all that nonsense was going on, his chubby little asian son, Kimberly Uno was out being a teenager in Switzerland eating stale cheese. He heard his father and grandfather had gone nuts after watching North Korean TV for the first time and asking out loud "What the fuck is this shit...??" so he decided to come back to North Korea and finish what they once started.
He called up his two best friends, Dennis Rodman and Dave Skylark and together, they planned a heist so they could break into the great bank of Russia and steal all their gold.
Little did Kimberly number three know, Dave Skylark wasn't actually Ironman after all so that plan fell right on its ass.
The end.
Herbert: Man, you don't know anything about North Korea...
Robotnik: Mind your own business!! Anyway, join me next time boys and girls when I'll be telling you all the story about some stupid blue hedgehog and a local pedofile who's into that sort of thing.
Herbert: What are you implying...?
Robotnik: See you then!
Storytime with Dr. Robotnik #10 - Sonic Boom
Robotnik: Ahhhh, hello again boys and girls, I'm the super sexy and most certainly not Polish Dr. Ivo Rrrrrrobotnik, and today, I'm going to tell you the skinny on that annoying blue furball and his stupid eating disorder.
Now, somewhere out there on whoever-gives-a-shit land is this annoying little runt called Sonic Boom. He has stupid green eyes, a dick so small you can't even see it and wears a neckerchief like some damn eurotrash! Haaaa-ha-ha-ha-haa!!
Anyway, Sonic Boom was this annoying little runt who used to be chubby, but then he was so desperate to fit in he developed anorexia, turned to cocaine and wore stupid hipster clothing. It got so bad they had to send his ass to rehab island before he went and Kurt Cobained himself!
Now Sonic Boom lives on Rehab Island with a bunch of other low life degenerates, a local wierd pedofile named Eggman and two Brittish cunts who follow him around and keep the poor bastard in check. It's his search history I'd be worried about. Where he got the name Eggman God only knows, but he wears a scarf so he probably molests children.
Everyone knows people who wear scarves are a bunch of effeminite pedofiles, Ask your mother!
Anyway, every week Dr. Eggman tries to go around making elaborate schemes to molest children, and since there's no damn security on this island it's up to Sonic boom and his stupid smack faced friends to put a stop to his crazy shenanigans. Serves the little bastards right I say. That'll teach him for always trying to stop me from taking over Mobius! Not that I care for it anymore anyway. I got bored of that shit years ago, Turkey. Now I'm just gonna sit here and smoke Marijuana because I'm bored of this shit too!
(Robotnik takes a puff and then exhales)
Anyway, Join me next time where I'll be telling the story of an androgynous pop star and his stupid life story.
Herbert: *GASP* you don't mean...!?!
Robotnik: Thats right, Will Smith! Haaa-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-haaaaaa-ha-ha-ha-ha!!!
Herbert: You cock teasing sonovabitch...
Robotnik Wipes a tear from his eye from laughing too hard.
Robotnik: Ohhhhhh, join me next week.
Storytime with Dr. Robotnik #11 - The Fresh Prince of Bel Air
Robotnik: Ahhhhh, hello there ladies and turtlenecks. I'm the incredibly gifted and partly dyslectic Dr. Ivo Rrrrroooobotkins, and today, I'm going to tell you all the tale of a prissy little bitch known as the Fresh Prince!
Herbert: Ahh dang...
Robotnik: Now, somewhere out there in the fresh prince of Bel Air was an androgynous little runt named Will Smith. He was all pissed off because a group of chubby negroes were all up in his face and interrupting his damn stupid basketball game. Them damn bloods was about to draw pistols yo, but then his damn creepy mother turned up with her big goofy glasses, hispanic makeup and her wide angle lens and told the audience with a stern attitude that her Son's moving to Philadelphia.
So one song and dance later and all of a sudden THERE HE IS!!!!!! THERE!!! RIGHT THERE!!! Sat outside some bus depot like a damn shrimp!! Anyway, waiting for a taxi he was and waiting a long taaaaaiiiiiiiiiiimmmmeeeeeeee! ...Until finally, one arrived! Chiko was his name and the damn fool was a serial killer, without any papers either. The Bastard!
He gave that damn fool Will Smith a creepy smirk with his smelly 3rd world candles and his chunky pedofile moustache while he told his life story about how he likes to stalk gay kids in the subway and murder the campy little bastards! Thankfully this was the 90's so barely anybody gave a damn. Except maybe Sarah Palin but we don't care what she thinks! ...Bitch.
Anywhooooooo after 2 hours stuck in traffic and rambling on in his stupid, smelly accent, Will Smith finally had enough of that noise and runs out the cab without paying. The cab driver was about to chase after him with chloroform and a burlap sack but that's when Uncle Phil and Aunt Vivian showed up in their black sedan and told him to get his punk smelly ass in the back seat!
"YO HOLMES, Smell you later!" Will said to that stupid serial killer as those bastards drove off and drove off they did, off to Will Smith's new home in Philadelphia.
The end.
Join me next week when I'll be taking yet another jab at that stupid blue hedgehog and the boring shit that he does, and maybe next time I'll be sober for these damn recordings. I'm not making any promises...
Join me then.
Storytime with Dr. Robotnik #12 - The Adventures of Sonic the Hedgehog
(Robotnik is partly intoxicated for this episode but not to a point where it would be visibly noticeable)
Robotnik: Ahhh, hello there bitches and broomsticks! I'm your sauced up host, Dr. Ovi Gentlefingers and today, I'll be telling you all the story of an adventures of Sonic the Hedgehog.
Herbert: Wait, what?
Robotnik: Whaaaaattt!?
Herbert: ...you just said 'Gentlefingers'.
Robotnik: What are you implying? That I pull your finger? You best keep those damn opinions to yourself, Milkshake, before I replace you with an Ikea vacuum cleaner. Anyway, this is the adventures of SAWNIK the Hedgehog!
Now, somewhere out there on Planet Mobius is this annoying prick called the adventures of Sonic the Hedgehog! He's a miserable little twerp with nothing better to do because he's bored as shit!
There's also this annoying little furry who follows the adventures of Sonic the Hedgehog everywhere he damn well goes because he's into that sort of thing I guess? Creepy anime-con bastard! And there's also this annoying 5 inch Milf called Tails! (Originally show Breezy but when Robotnik confuses her for Tails, have Tails swap heads with her).
Anyway, all the adventures of Sonic the Hedgehog has to do on a Friday evening is eat chili dogs like a damn autistic and play World of Warcraft out in the open. because, y'know, that totally makes sence. No I wont play that shit in the comfort and warmth of my own home, I'll play it out in the open so complete strangers will notice me and think I'm edgy or hardcore or some shit.
Damn goofy nerds...
Anyway, somewhere on Mount Mobius is this ugly bastard named Dr. Robotnik. He's all pissed off because the adventures of Sonic the Hedgehog is stealing all the damn bandwidth! That mooching slob!
Serves both those idiots right I say. Who the hell wants an open network these days anyway? Weird creepy Germans!
Anyway Squidward or whoever the hell he was decides to get his revenge on the mooching little bastard and sends his two cronies Scratch and Crabsworth off to find the best computer hacker on Mobius so he can hack into this stupid bastards WOW account and watch him throw a fit like a damn retard!
Squidward: (with binoculars who was in Robotnik's fortress watching over Sonic) Hmmm, that sure would be amusing.
Robotnik: Anyway, there's also this annoying monkey named, errrr.... Jojoba or something, and Jojoba's all pissed off because Dr. Squidwaaaarrrrddddd made him clean out the toilets all day long. *Loud Belch*
So anyway, Jojo writes to his congressman, Senator Dickface all the way in Manhattan about the working conditions over there down in Seaworld or wherever the fuck they're from and low and behold, in two years time the bastard dies from Salmonella, so who gives a shit!?
And thats the story of why you damn immigrants need to clean your hands more often when your working in the god damn kitchen! I've seen first hand what you wacky slobs get up to, with your crappy cell phones and your weird funny looking energy drinks...
Meerrrrgggghhhhh!!! Anyway, join me next time when I'll be telling you the story of what those Catholic weirdos really put in your baby's holy water.
Herbert: Ah know what they put in that holy water and it ain't right.
Robotnik: Well don't give it away you damn smelly beatnik! We still gotta show to do, ain't we!? Join me next time!
Scratch Says (these segments haven't been completed yet)
Scratch Says #1 - Nature
Scratch: Peee-yeeewww, look at all that awful pollution. (Scratch is standing outside of a polluted busy city)
Ahhh, now thats better. Boy, y'know, I sure love the outdoors. Why the outdoors are great for camping, playing in the waterhole with your friends, building a tree fort, and it gives you plenty of fresh air and good exercise.
Trees are also important. They produce oxygen thats good for your lungs, and most importantly, they're great for buying dead body's in.
(Cut to Grounder trying to bury an actual live body in a sack)
Scratch: No Grounder you ding-bot! We have to cut the body up and burn it first!
Grounder: Oh picky, picky, picky!
Angry Grandpa (in the sack): Let me tell you one goddamn thing!!
Scratch: Now remember, always burn your clothes after burying a dead body, that way no one will have any evidence against you.
Scratch then gives a thumbs up and winks to the camera
Scratch Says #2 - Taking care of the Elderly
Scratch: Boy, nothing beats taking a visit down to the local hospital. You know, there are plenty of unfortunate people out there who are no longer able to take care of themselves.
(In the background is Shaye St. John in a wheelchair waving to the camera while doing her hand thing).
Some people are too old, ill or permanently disabled and that's why they have to come here to be taken care of by the friendly doctors and nurses.
The truth is, most of them are better off dead. (Scratch is now in a hospital room with Grounder sitting next to a terminally ill old woman in agonising pain)
Most of them want to die but just don't have the strength to end their own suffering, thats why, it's always important to volunteer.
Grounder: Huur-Hur-hur-hurrr!
Grounder now begins to suffocate the woman to death with a pillow until she stops struggling and flatlines.
Scratch: Remember, most of these people like to leave a lot of money in their wallets, thats their way of thanking you. (Scratch takes the money out of the wallet and puts it in his back pocket)
Volunteer at your local hospital today! (Scratch gives a thumbs up and winks at the audience)
Scratch Says #3 - Bullying
Scratch and Grounder are in a playground watching a nerdy kid get bullied for his lunch money.
Bully: Give me all your lunch money, faggot!
The bully then punches the nerdy kid in the ribcage and then walks away with his money.
Scratch: Boy, Y'know Grounder. It breaks my heart to see kids get picked on by someone bigger than them.
The fact is, boys and girls, most schoolyard bullies are dealing with a lot of insecurities themselves, thats why they feel the need to act tough so they can rise above it.
If you want to stand up to a bully, the best way to do so is to become an even badder bully yourself, and make that bully feel like crap by comparison.
Like look at this tub of lard over here. I bet if you pulled his pants down in front of the whole class and then sprayed him with a fire extinguisher, everyone would find it funny.
Or this dorky looking kid here. Just look at how much fun it is to push all those books out of his hand.
Hey, how's the weather down there, Goofy?
Grounder: Huur-Hur-hur-hurrr!
Scratch: Bwa-ha-ha-haaaaa!!
Here's another example. Look at that fat kid eating all alone. Wouldn't it be funny if someone gave him a beard and hat made out of whip cream?
Grounder: Yeah, do it, Scratch!
Scratch: Bwa-ha-ha-haaaa! Hey, how's the North Pole these days, Tubby?
Grounder: Hur-hur-hur-huurrrrrr!!
Scratch: Now remember, girls love a guy who's cool and slick, but some bullies may try and fight back. Thats why its always important to lift weights at home. Ask your parents to help you work out today!
(Scratch gives a thumbs up and wink to the camera)
Scratch Says #4 - Babysitting
Scratch: Y'know kids, there comes a time in everyone's life where their parents will ask them to babysit. Why, if you're good at it, it can even become a part time job.
But babysitting doesn't have to be dull and boring. There are many good things about babysitting that can make it a lot of fun.
Grounder: But how, Scratch?
Scratch: Just look, Grounder. We're in someone else's house and there's no one around, and they gave us permission to be here. We can do whatever we want now.
Grounder: Like... maybe make a sandwich?
Scratch: No Grounder you ding pile! I mean order a Pizza! We can invite all our friends over to hang out and there's no parents around to tell us what we can or can not do. Just some brat who'll keep quiet in his room as long as we give him video games and pay him not to tell anyone.
Now, the real fun begins. We can invite that girl over we really like and have sex with her, watch naughty movies or R rated films, help ourselves to whatever food they have and even steal a thing or two.
Coconuts (peeping his head out from the kitchen): It's not like they'll ever know.
Scratch: Exactly! Just remember, always have everything cleared away at least half an hour before the parents come home, and make sure the kid upstairs doesn't tell.
(Scratch gives a thumbs up and wink to the camera)
Scratch Says #5 - Shoplifting
(And how you can get away with it)
Scratch Says #6 - Video Game Addiction
(And how you can leech off government welfare)
Scratch Says #7 - Taking care of Pets
(And how to dispose of the bodies)
Now remember boys and girls, taking care of your pets is a big responsibility, and it can be a lot of fun to see how many ways you can get away with torturing them.
Scratch Says #8 - Volunteering
(And how you can profit from it)
Scratch Says #9 - Taking care of the Homeless
(And how you can get away with killing them)
Scratch Says #10 - Frisky Teachers
(And how it can improve your grades) (especially if you're Japanese)
Scratch Says #11 - Getting in a car with Strangers
(Really disturbing episode about a child being abducted and forced to take part in a violent isis torture porn video)
Scratch Says #12 - Internet Safety
(And how to bypass it) (Also end the video by explaining how to access the deep web and visit places like merinas page or whatever)
