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Stompychu

I've been so extremely wrong... :(

Hello all, I want to tell you of why it is so well known I tend to block people randomly and spontaneously and it has come to my memory of why I do this. I want to say you are completely right that this is quite a system that could be considered alien, but there is logic behind my madness and it is something I like to call a self responsibility system of whom I hang around.

Basically, years ago, when I was younger, I met a very odd person online. It caused the destruction of my 2 year college semester with him because he was basically a suicidal teenager out of school of whom I desperately tried to help because I loved him, before he would begin to show signs of ignoring my desperate extreme pleas to help him online. He was extremely depressed and I did all I could to save him even though I didn't know who he was. I was 15.

I want to say I do account for your points of view now; you are comletely right however to think this of me.

What happened was, in response to my messages, is he ignored them all, he was extremely nice before becoming extremely silent and in my lack of understanding of the situation, I blocked him many times as his massive amounts of warmth turned to the frigidness of a iceberg made me feel, a very dependent youth, very traumatized by his ability to simply block me, cut me down; yes, it's true, I became him...

The fact was, after that, I created a system because of the pain inside of me. I realized if I allowed myself to be lied to again, I would feel extremely angry and pissed off; my anger will turn to meanness and depression, anxiety, stress, weirdness and other odd emotions. So what I did, is I wanted to account myself for who I hung around by creating a system based on using my intuition and self blaming who I was around.

It's allowed me the ability, as you can see, to become invincible to manipulation. It's allowed me to observe situations most people would not even go back to. It's made me basically a god on the internet; yes, it's alienated so many, but it's that from a young age I decided after that stressful past I wanted to take account of how to become more loving and strong and maintain my youthful heart.

It has worked and it has absolutely amazing properties. However, I realize my karma has been over the years, extreme misunderstanding to me too, alot of pain and shouting, alot of lack of empathy. But it was simply I never wanted to feel hurt ever again. I couldn't stand my past of ridicule and responsibility held to others. I feared rejection, but also control. I had a very stressful youth with a older sociopathic brother which I do talk about, but basically, I wanted it all to stop. I didn't want to look at my past as a tragedy and I've always, always tried to look back at it in the most positive way. My whole education, my whole childhood was taken away from me by this man; I had nothing because of him and I could never, ever want to see myself manipulated again.

Because of my pain, I will however, continue to use the system but recently I am seeing it is beginning to lack more empathy and understanding for how others are and thus, I felt this afternoon a deep understanding of some recent buddies in extreme pain. I left myself to be extremely undiscovered of this fact; thus, it led to some very abusive karma over the years but fortunately nothing I did feel too well. My system is amazing, but without adding of the elements of more understanding of points of view, even though it can make sense so deeply why I do still block them because I do message it out, I have reacted on moods too to block people and fuck me this has caused extremely tragic pain.

I am so extremely sorry now to others, as I feared intimacy so extremely deeply it caused me never to listen to others when they tried to tell me something or sympathize. I realize whilst my system is so extremely powerful, I will use it but it's been at a massive loss of everyone around me. This fear of this element of everything being taken from me emotionally and physically... has left me extremely traumatized on the other hand. My youth insanely traumatically abusive need I remind you, but I must take perspective more to understand all your points of view; become more empathetic.

Please understand, I was extremely intelligent as this system allows me never to be hurt, but also, yes it misses some important components which destroy whole foundations of empathy towards friends. Yes it makes sense why I've been disfigured to have a disability for years and years I never had and many, extremely massive amounts of judgements, but if I did not do it, the chances were I would have become a very, very violent, cruel, sociopathic to psychopathic manipulator online due to my abuse. Please remember that. I see myself as a genius and yet, maintaining the system completely but also I will now adopt this.

Please attempt to understand my youth however, I simply took responsibility for who I was around so I was never flushed with so much hurt as to kill me and so much more hazards of suicide and much more. I felt very deeply alot for you people, I know it never seemed like it, I desperately attempted to create a system that was non judgemental and unopinionated and also allowed me to slip in and out like a ghost out of friendships.

But it needs work and tinkering, a massive need for it.
Viewed: 14 times
Added: 10 years, 9 months ago
 
LudashMoogle
9 years, 9 months ago
I would try and comment more, be more constructive and helpful but, in all honesty, your sentence structuring and wording is a little difficult to understand in places, and I'd rather not comment on things that don't make sense or would be interpreted incorrectly.

Even though this is a year old, thought I might try and make a reply to this. Expecting to be blocked still, though. I'm only really posting because this seems to be, at least partially, an apology. I'm not expecting my post to go through at all.

[Oh hey, I'm not blocked. Guess I should return the favour then with an open door for communications.]
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