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Status update on me

by elix

I'm still alive. I do intend on continuing and finishing Sandy Paws and The Neon Children, I assure you. However, I haven't written much for a while (though strangely few people ask me about that). I may regret this, so don't be surprised if this disappears from public view, but I'll explain why.

First, two ground rules.

One: Disrespect me in this journal and you will be blocked/banned from commenting on my Inkbunny account forever. Period. No arguments, no second chances. If I'm watching you, that will also end forever. If you can't say something nice, go fuck yourself with a cactus, but stay out of this journal. You don't want to push your luck with me. I am not playing around.

Two: This is not a pity party or a plea for attention. This is a journal to let people know what's going on. It's a personal matter of mine, but I am not doing this for attention. I'm giving out facts. See rule number one. Got it?

I suffer from depression.

People that know me know that it's very hard for me to talk about myself, about personal problems and such. It's hard for me to open up. Which is why I'm anxious about this journal going off the rails, and it's also why I'm not taking any shit from trolls.

I've been prescribed SSRIs. I hated them and how they made me feel and what they did to me. The only benefit that I truly got out of them was that the drowsiness side effect meant that, for one of the few times in my life since early high school, I could fall asleep inside of five minutes instead of my mind racing with anxieties and thoughts for an hour or more in the dark. I am currently not on any prescription medication, because frankly the side effects were making my life worse.

Depression saps away the energy to write. I only rarely feel that spark, that flame that feeds my creativity. Depression distracts me when I'm trying to focus on writing, pulling my attention away from creation and pushing its nose into the cold snowbank of isolation and despair. I've managed to get some things done, but only in short bursts, and I'm usually disappointed in my output even then.

If you've never experienced clinical depression, you are fortunate in at least that. From a friends-only journal I wrote about this subject almost two months ago:

"

The hardest part of depression for me is that it makes me feel cold. Not physically cold, but inside, on an emotional, spiritual level. When I'm having a down day, my soul feels cold. It's taken me a long time to find the words to describe how I've been feeling. The world is a little less colourful and bright; the saturation's fallen out. Again, this isn't a literal vision problem, it's this feeling of cold.

Inside, sometimes it's a gloomy, bleak winter's day where the heating just isn't keeping up now that the sun's slipped below the mountain, and the fog is getting almost blue in its dimness.

Fuck depression.

That's what you're missing out on by not being listed as a friend. Nothing. All of my art is viewable to all Inkbunny users (unless they block it with their tag/rating filters). See my profile bio for how I handle friend requests. Not that people read that anyway before clicking +friend.

I'm doing my best to get better, but it takes time, and a lot of it. I'm sorry that my stories have been stalled for so long, and I want to reassure all of my fans that I intend on continuing them. I have Sandy Paws chapters 6-8 planned, and that will wrap the series up. TNC is a more serious plot, and I'm still working out how I want to get where I need to be for the second half. A lot of my original ideas don't quite fit, or need updating, and there are still a few plot details that I'm not satisfied with because they seem too cliché and forced. However, the intention is to continue it, I promise.

I'm actually doing fairly all right today, which is why this journal even got written. Again, this is not a cry for attention. But I felt it was time to get my courage up and be open about it.

Fuck depression.

"	Stan Rogers wrote:
	We grow, but grow apart We live, but more alone The more to be, the more to see To cry aloud that we are free To hide our ancient fear of being alone And how we live in darkness Embracing spiteful cold Refusing any answer For no man can be told That delivery is delayed Until at last we're made aware And first reach for love To find 'twas always there

Viewed:	135 times
Added:	11 years, 1 month ago 05 Mar 2013 01:09 CET

16 Comments on this Journal

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NotAvailableToView

11 years, 1 month ago

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*hugs and licks* I know that feel

Zeikcied

11 years, 1 month ago

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I know how you feel.

Oh, will the saga of Elix and his Uncle continue once Sandy Paws wraps up, or is that it for the kitten?

elix

11 years, 1 month ago

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@ Zeikcied

I've got plans for Sandy Paws: Year 2, where we return to the resort and see how things've changed, but... that's not even at the plot planning stage. And there's a little snippet somewhere that I should tidy up and post, perhaps, of the "off-season", as it were.

Zeikcied

11 years, 1 month ago

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@ elix

I'm just hoping for another three-way with Elix and the adult couple. That was some hot stuff.

soggymaster

11 years, 1 month ago

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I wish there was something I could do to help.

Maybe there is, but I certainly don't know what.

elix

11 years, 1 month ago

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@ soggymaster

In practical terms, there's basically nothing anyone can do. If we're talking pure fantasies, a million bucks would solve a lot of my problems (not the depression, but a number of contributing factors), lol. But I'd wager that a lot of people would find a lot of their problems solved if their bank account suddenly jumped over a pile of decimal places, and then they'd have new problems.

Ketsa

11 years, 1 month ago

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Much respect for the strength in writing this~

Lord knows it's hard to talk about feelings, especially the less-sunny ones.

CollieD

11 years, 1 month ago

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Fuck depression, indeed.

Also: fuck SSRIs being the best treatment, but I won't get off track on that...

I wish there was something magical I could weave into this little string of characters but the best I can do is say it takes some real stones to share this and I hope it gets better for you.

Ramblo

11 years, 1 month ago

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For the erotic perfection that was Sandy Paws and Kevin's story (The Winter Sleepover) we can afford to be as patient as you will allow :D

RuscoIstar

11 years, 1 month ago

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As someone diagnosed with clinical depression, I understand you very well. So far sertraline is not giving me any huge side effects (my hands tremble from time to time if only slightly) but each body reacts different.

I wish you the best, Elix~ *Hugs*

Alfador

11 years, 1 month ago

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I agree, fuck depression. I have had ups and downs in my life, and I have felt normal joy and depression, and the very idea of being chemically forced into permanent depression by one's own nervous system... it frightens me to no end. Having been on Ritalin in my childhood due to being diagnosed with ADHD (a later diagnosis when I was 20 confirmed Asperger's Syndrome instead), I know what it is like to have a chemical force you to feel and think a certain way... only this was something I ingested willingly, because I had been told it would help me.

KevinSnowpaw

11 years, 1 month ago

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It's cool man, I don't suffer from the same shit you do, and im honestly grateful for it, but when i get screwed up emotional it saps my drive to do like EVERYTHING I cant imagine that happening all the time. Writing is an act of creation, it's no surprise you cant write when your suffering from it.

It's big of you to let your fanbase know why you have not been posting stuff it's not something you needed to do, this was a very personal thing telling people like this. Your not beholden to makeing any explanations but you explained anyway. you real fans will respect that allot.

You still have my support as always, and I personally cannot wait to see sandy paws year 2 hahaha, As much as I adore the neon children, and I do consider it to be some of your very best work. Sandy paws is what attracted me to you as a writer waaaaaaay back on Cubcentral. So it's special to me in that regard.

It was one of my earlyist exposures to good furry themed writeing and easaly one of my favorite storys still.

billygoat

11 years, 1 month ago

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Edited 11 years, 1 month ago by Owner

The only thing that ever helped me was a very advanced SRRI (don't remember which one) and going to a counselor or psychiatrist for years. After about 6 months of seeing a counselor I was able to ditch the SRRI and a year after that i no longer needed the counselor. Don't get me wrong, i still have trouble, but very rarely now and i doesn't last long.

What I'm trying to say is talk to somebody, somebody who has training, it was the biggest help im my life.

Good luck
-billy

shadycat

11 years, 1 month ago

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Ah shit. I'm sorry man. You know you've got it bad when the color starts draining from the world. It's not even the unhappiness I mind. Hell, I've never been particularly good at happy anyway. It's that complete lack of motivation to do anything but get through the goddamned day. The only silver lining I can find is that as I get older the jagged edges of the thing have smoothed out some. The lows are not so low. Of course, the highs are not so high, but it seems like the best deal I'm going to get.

"	Stan Rogers wrote:
	And you to whom adversity has dealt a mortal blow With smiling bastards lying to you everywhere you go Turn to and put out all your strength of arm and heart and brain And like the Mary Ellen Carter rise again Rise again! Rise again! Though your heart it be broken and life about to end No matter what you've lost, be it a home, a love, a friend Like the Mary Ellen Carter rise again!

Shokuji

11 years, 1 month ago

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[hugs tightly] If there's anything I can do to help please let me know. I know this isn't a cry for attention but I'd like to lift or warm your spirits if I can. I'm looking forward to visiting you in April as well. We'll have lots of fun hanging out and stuff. =3 Keep trying and you'll work through this! ^^