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Life and a semi-goodbye.

Okay, let's clarify things here before anyone worries: NO, I am not going to do anything stupid like killing myself.

Now that we've clarified, let's begin.

My life has been a tremendous pile of shit lately. Two very very very VERY big reasons why are following, but I'd like to state something right now. I'm writing this because writing helps me cope and helps me feel better. If you come onto this journal and start lolgasming at me, I have no pity or remorse for you. You kick me when I'm down, you're so dead to me that it's not even worth the trolling because you won't get an answer.

My mate's biological mother has essentially crucified me to anyone who'll listen to her. It's been nearly a month since it happened and it's not getting any better. A very personal and long-winded explanation not-with-standing, the woman thinks I control my mate with a deathgrip and refuse to let him be what she wants him to be. She has blamed me for all of his problems (when he doesn't) and has damned me.

That hurt. A lot.

Two days ago, the car company who owns the lease on my car, instead of working with me to help ease the loan on it, just decided to repossess the motherfucker. I completed all the paperwork necessary and sent it back, but I'm waiting on them to even approve it. They may still deny me, sell off my car, and force me to pay the remainder regardless of being without vehicle transportation. I find out sometime soon, but until then, I'm left to stew in my own misery. Plus, the money that it'll cost to release the car is nearly more than I can bear. We'll be able to, barely, but there'll be no frivolities for us for a long while...and my planned trip to Canada is axe-murdered until I can start saving again. Oh, and I'm still on unemployment.

With all of this going on, I had a major epiphany and it starts here.

I'm not happy with myself. I'm not happy with a lot of what I was and what I've become...but most of all, I'm just...not caring about being a furry anymore. It doesn't carry anything special and regardless of how I feel, I'm definitely not anything special to anyone who reads me here.

Oh sure, you read my stories and what little artwork I post, but really, who are we kidding here? You don't care. I could post the most important, most influential talk-log of the 21st century and maybe, juuuust maybe, three people would look at it. None would comment because...well, it doesn't make dick hard.

Don't get mad or indignant, you know it's true. People watch me *peripherally*, not in full interest, because the majority of what I say doesn't entail their penis being stiff for any real reason. I get sagenods and the occasional hug or two, but I'm not stupid or naive.

You just don't care.

It's fine. I'm not mad about it, not really. It's gotten me off my ass to do something I've been putting off for a very long time. I cleaned out my journals (barring the most recent one pimping my friend's artwork) because I don't want to look back here and remember. And honestly, have any of you really looked through them? Taken the time to get to know me? No.

I'm not angry or upset at any of you. I have no reason to be. You're human, after all, and I can't expect to be the center of attention to everyone. Nor can I expect, with the subject matter of the majority of my posts, to be watched or even commented on or about. I got angry about it for awhile, but I just realized that I am caring too much about something no one else does. Sure, I can write good and can do my part to help people feel better...but I know when enough is enough...and when I'm only fooling myself.

With all that said, I'm out. I'll leave my stuff up for anyone who wants a look at a failed attempt at being social and fade back into near-complete anonymity. Anyone who is on my friends lists in chats can expect to see me there and anyone who knows me enough to know how much I am emotionally hurt right now can relax. I know who my friends are and who really cares about me more than just the occasional stiffy and, more to the point, I know the difference between the two.

But let's be clear on one thing: I'm still furry inside. I've always felt the wolf inside. He's always a part of me. I just have no reason to be one outside to everyone who'll look at me. I don't need conventions, I don't need attention, and I certainly don't need approval to validate the wolf inside. Never have. My friends and family love me and respect that about me.

The rest of you will just have to go somewhere else to paw off. Sorry, but that's how it is. Chances are, when you saw the size of this journal, you left already, so who am I kidding?

I'm still Zephon. I'm just not going to be posting anything for a very long while. That's all.

Thank you and good night.

Viewed: 21 times
Added: 8 years, 2 months ago
8 years, 2 months ago
This journal has me a little concerned, Z. Not that your reasons aren't valid, but it seems an awful lot like you're taking out your (perfectly justifiable) frustration on people who have nothing to do with it. Leaving and taking your journals down isn't doing anything to the people who aren't watching you; it only hurts the people who DO watch you. Why do that?

I'm no stranger to feeling resentful towards my audience sometimes. But I pull back from it and realize that the problem is my perception; not anything they've done. They're not a hive-mind. It's all individuals making individual choices. Ask yourself: why do I think I ought to be more popular than I am? Who am I comparing myself to? If you don't have tons of watchers, it has absolutely nothing to do with the quality of your work or your ideas. The simple fact is that the only reason I have so many people reading my journals is because I've been doing them for a long time and I produce a LOT of them. The journals themselves are no better than yours. The ideas are no better than yours. The single biggest difference is quantity, plain and simple. Plus, this is still a young site. You're automatically going to have a far smaller audience than FA just for that reason.

Plus, you've said yourself that you usually don't comment on my journals because you have nothing to add. If people aren't commenting on yours, that's a far more likely reason than 'I hate this guy he's dumb so I'm not gonna leave a comment'.

But beyond that, I think you're looking at things backwards. I think from the tone of this journal that you DO write to gain attention. And I'm not condemning that. I can empathize completely with the feeling that life is raining shit on you, and you desperately want someone to see and feel how much it's hurting you.

If it's true that "writing helps me cope and helps me feel better" then why would you cut that option off for yourself? If you want to write, WRITE! The point is not whether anyone else reads it. I'd still write novels for no other reason than that I have stories inside me and it feels good to let them out. If writing helps you deal with life, then write more, not less. Don't listen to any voice, inner or outer, that tells you it's a waste of time. Your emotional health is not a waste of time.

And if the reason you don't post is because it hurts too much when no one replies, then just write but don't post. I write essays to burn off frustration which never end up as journals. Write what you feel and show it to Alfie. Or me.

Listen: you were completely right to call bullshit on me a while back when I said I was feeling like I was running out of writing. I've finished two completely new stories since then. So listen to me when I call bullshit on you. You're misplacing your frustration here. You're painting a picture of a callous, uncaring audience, when instead you simply have a small one that does care. If you judge your writing by the responses it gets, you're putting your worth completely in the hands of someone else.

All real writers write because the drive to write comes from within. Do not succumb to false, self-fulfilling judgments of your work based only on your own doubts. Your doubts are lies; treat them with the contempt they deserve.

Fuck what anyone else says: I say that you have incredible talent as a writer. If you're not as popular as me, it's only because you're less productive. And you're less productive because you worry yourself. And you worry yourself because you're not popular. Your mind is feeding itself depressing bullshit. The mark of a shitty writer is that they think every word they fart out is gold. The mark of a good writer is that they are their own harshest critic.

Your writing only truly needs the approval of one person and one person only: you.
8 years, 2 months ago
I was going to add something of my own...but i do believe that alex has already said everything that needs to be said.
8 years, 2 months ago
I can't say that i watch jernels all that often nore do i barly get past the abreveated blerb in the noteses section.
But i'm not going to tell you ohh noo dont stop wa wa wa.

Take a break. get things in order. come back when you feel it.

Hell use parts of the shit in your life as a backdrop that allows you do take revinge on some things you can't controle.
or just relax.

it's suposed to be fun for you.
Till then i'll keep my one good peeper open fore anything new.

and i hope you life gets a bit better.
Till then remember we all have our bad days weeks months years lifes.
and each of us thinks that our problems are worse than yours becos our problems are staring us in the face.

but that dosnt mean we dont care or that your problems are any less important than ours

Amagin this.
You lost your car.
well thats harsh. now put yourself in someone elses shoos.
and think up a why they might say.
Well hell just get a clunker and drive it.
the person who might say this.
Ha' you lost your car welcome to my world just take a bus.
Then theres the person like this.
Godam bitchen about loosing his widdle car.
you dont know pain some of us can never drive.
Be thankful you even can get behind a weel Ever and have the joy of getting form point A to point B without eather walking or spending hours on a fucking buss or pleading for a ride. Get over yourself and move on .

I've exadurated quite a bit of that. alltho i fall in that last grouping.
i'll never drive so getting anything past the meeger existince i live is a real struggle.

Thank about your social life.
youve had a famely member you dont live with down you. booohoooo
i live with them. and have to put up with it every day.
Well you might think to yourself Get off your ass and get out of there.
boy have i been trying to do that.
life just sucks sometimes.

Hell i'd love to write somthing but my spelling isnt up to par and going behind my own work with a spell checker descusts me.
any one wana take my ramblings and spellcheck it WITHOUT pointing out all the screwups i make.

Aaahhh i feel a bit better now.
Nice vent.

Any hoo
I hope you get to feeling a bit better. and dont cut out yourself compleatly no reson to close the door.
and no reason to push yourself over some misguided felling of responsibility to us to write.

And remember Jernels are for those who are board and want to see what drama is fuckign up someoen elses life becos we feel bad about our own....
In other words
Jernel readers who read to dig into your personal life are nothing but nozzy shrews to live off your pain.

honistly i would of ignord the gernel if the tytle didnt catch my eye.
i mainly watch the short blerbs for
I wrote this here...
or i drew this here...
or i'm doing this wana join it
or hay i'm broke gona do art cheep wana buy some? (most of the time i cant use that myself i'mm a poor skunkah)
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