Renouncing Instinct

Allow me to explain. And no, I don't mean my kinks or fetishes (which should be blatantly apparent by now). I mean something that is how I operate and function.

I get angry. It burns for awhile. It seethes and focuses me, but it can usually lead me to think things that I know are not true (or are unable to ascertain the truth of). I vent. I let it out.

I get frustrated and I am so very very uncertain of myself. Usually, when someone is dealing with me, I'm waffling about something or another. I have not solidified myself and I get scared to do so because I don't want to offend others.

I hurt easier than some. I tend to let my feelings be trod upon. I seem like I enjoy it, enjoy the strife so it gives me something to complain about. Rest assured, it doesn't. It just...happens. I think it's part of my life that I have this shit happen to me or around me. No amount of "you should just do X" or "Have you tried being Y" has ever caused me to stop being who I am and who I was raised to be.

But I have not, am not, and will not ever force someone to be something they are not for my sake. I may whine and bitch and think aloud about it, but I *know* better. I know it won't happen. I will not force someone to give up something just so I can be happy. I would never EVER be happy that way.

I will never force someone to love only me. I will never force those I love to forget their family and friends just for my sake.

I will never ever dominate someone like that.

I will erase myself from existence before I allow myself to become that...to become the kind of person I have fought against for the vast majority of my intellectual-thinking life (which means since I could rationally think for myself instead of acting upon pure instinct like children do).

I refuse to be that. The chance for it to be a part of me is there, from my own family, my own blood. It is there. I know it is.

I renounce it.

Do you hear me? Is this clear enough for you for my character, my heart, my being?

I will not be that kind of person. I will not.

((This journal is aimed at a very VERY specific person. I can guarantee anyone who reads this is not that person. The person in question will likely never find this journal. This was purely for myself and to get it out of my system once and for all safely.))

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Added:	14 years, 4 months ago 03 Mar 2011 12:29 CET

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AlexReynard

14 years, 4 months ago

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>I hurt easier than some. I tend to let my feelings be trod upon. I seem like I enjoy it, enjoy the strife so it gives me something to complain about. Rest assured, it doesn't. It just...happens.

I empathize with that so much it hurts. My own brain is like this. It craves conflict, to the point where it'll outright manufacture some if my life's not sufficiently full of anger or mishap. I think it's like a drug addiction. When we were young, we suffered, and we suffered so much that our brains grew to view that combination of chemicals as normal. When the chemicals for rage/grief/loss/etc were present, our brains thought that was normal. Now, when our lives are better, our stupid brains are like, "Hey, where's that chemical that's supposed to be here? I'd better recreate the scenario for it to be produced."

The bad part about this is that it's an addiction. The good part is that it can be helped. Cured? I don't think so. It's a scary fact that mental illness can never be 'cured'. But if we can identify what's going on and work to change our habits, it can get better.

If you can quit cigarettes, I have every confidence you'll whip your brain into shape over time, Zeph. :)