Just feel like I'm in a... I had something, but whatever words they were suddenly fail me.
I've hit some kind burn out on my emotions microchip. It's not that the dog was put down. She developed some medical condition, and was having some troubles. Mum even mentioned it as an upcoming inevitability. What leaves me dead on the inside is the sudden, underhanded way they seem to have decided to do it.
It was Friday, around lunch time. Apparently she hadn't had a good night Thursday. I presume the day before, rather than a previous Thursday. However. I had a day off, both days, and they had visited with the dog on Thursday. On the Friday, they arrived while I was in the shower in the morning, after I had given the universe enough time to see if they would show up to ruin my day, as it often feels like they do, with their bickering and nagging. The last time, me and her partner had a bit of a screaming match about the air conditioner filter, stressing himself out unnecessarily over minor things. So, the dog was, as usual, quite excited and yapping and yowling, talking through the door for the few minutes it took to finish showering. I barely saw her once I got out, making myself a coffee and expecting to sit down with her at my feet. While making the coffee, I see mum's partner digging a hole in the back corner of the yard. I immediately thought the worst, and it turns out I'm psychic. Instead of sitting to enjoy a hot coffee while sitting with the dog, mum whisks her outside with barely a word to me. Her partner, having his own health problems (so understandably the dog being unwell is an unnecessary extra burden, in all fairness), shambles across the front porch like a zombie, and says "how are you going" as he pulls the front door closed. They have a habit of leaving them open for the air flow. Annoyed with them for quite a lot of reasons, I do not answer, and he shambles back to the steps, the car, and they drive away. For a moment, I am uncertain if they left the dog or not. I had hoped they wouldn't be so... impulsive... as to do what I had thought. It turns out, however, they did. Except mum did not tell me until Saturday afternoon, stopping by after my long customer service shift. She said also that they were going to bury her at my place, but changed their minds, and she wanted to bury the dog at home. Both options would leave me upset. If I could feel anything beyond as if all light and joy had been sucked out of the world. It's just what they do to me.
They knew what they were doing, so I cannot help but feel like these people are dead to me, for the apparent betrayal of not letting me have a knowing, last goodbye with the dog. Except, from the overwork, stress, exhaustion and general burnout, just trying to do my job and come home to rest, I have no real feelings left. Just a hollow, empty numbness like I've never felt before.
I hope you guys out there are doing okay. I hate how I've managed to isolate myself and shut down, disappearing into doom scrolling and, admittedly, generative AI that has started objecting to some of my usual keyword prompts, in my phone. It's just so easy, and only a defence mechanism in response to... these obtrusive people that I'm expected to call family. The objections from the AI demonstrate that it is unreliable, just like the family. They know only the act of betrayal.
