Hi folks!
So, this is something of a weird thing to talk about, but I feel like I could really use advice from someone who may have a neutral perspective on this
Basically!!
Sometimes, I encounter people online, whether in Reddit comments or something, that are just... Horrible, and invasive, and just clearly so completely ego-fueled that it makes me angry and upset
And like, they're maybe trying to start an argument for some sort of awful philosophy thing or something, like, with someone, just throwing out a bunch of loaded questions and pretending like they have this "insight" that makes everyone else a sheep, and like "nobody has ever been able to logically present a compelling argument against my position" and stuff, you know, just a complete jerk
But, the problem with me is... Somehow, someway, I get really taken in by that
Like... I feel anger about that person asserting themselves and harassing others, like, a lot of anger
Especially if they're upvoted and are treated like they have something to say, maybe it's like a small community that's mostly composed of people like them, or maybe it just so happened that they got a couple of upvotes, and let's say they're at three upvotes
And I just get sooo insane over that!! Like, how could that be!! Eughh!! I feel like entering an argument with them pointing out how their whole "position" is fake, and they just fabricated it to egofarm and frontloaded it with strawman stuff to be "undefeatable", and it's always like, an "anti" position too, like, let's say FOR EXAMPLE "The Lord doesn't exist. All the evidence points to the Lord not existing. Do you know of X? Do you know of Y? Don't these things contradict each other? Concede now." like it's a debate, when THEY're the ones just flying up to people that don't know them at all
But then something else happens
Someone likes them, and they start chatting... And you see that the other person is maybe not crazy, or they don't sound crazy
And all of a sudden they're like, "oh cool cool! yeah that's cool haha" like they're normal people, and this guy is not an insane jerk
And it feels to me like... That's so gross
This guy just like, acts all friendly all of a sudden while just a second ago he was bullying another person into "conceding" for no reason
And what happens is... When I walk away, and try to like, do my own art, or enjoy my own experiences... I think of them acting all friendly, and I think: "they could be enjoying this exact thing I am doing right now, and also smiling and laughing and stuff"
And it just drives me crazy!! Like, I can't enjoy my stuff or my art on MY OWN in my own way
Like, it's kinda like self-judgement
"You have to concede that they can be enjoying this too, while being such an insane venomous person"
And the thing is, it's like
I don't want such awful people who make me swear outloud, I don't want them to be enjoying stuff like I do!!
I feel it takes a good person to enjoy stuff earnestly
And I don't want to imagine them having my own experiences like I do, it feels disgusting to picture
But there's something that wants me to do that... Like, it's some sort of self-judgement or something, like, something that shames me
And what that usually makes me do is go back and see how that person talks, again, to "prove to myself" that NO, they definitely ARE a turboa-hole! Like, oh my GOSH this person is such a douchebag!!!!!
But, that obviously exposes me to more stuff that makes me mad
And it's like a cycle
I walk away, I start getting zonked over this "oh, they're drinking hot cocoa right now having a ball while being SUCH a piece of crap!!", I go back and check and confirm that no, no, they're insane, they can't be having MY experiences
And get more mad seeing their new posts or something
And then again
And again
And it's like... I can't reclaim personal space from them, they're like, in my head
So, I wanted to ask you folks - what do you think is going on here?? Maybe you're familiar with the feeling, and you can tell me how you managed to get in tune with yourself and overcome it and be at peace?? It's almost like, I can't self-validate that "yes this person is a total awful f---ing a---hole, you don't need to even give them another thought, live your life", like, I start to judge myself, "heheheh they're probably not even as bad as you're making them out to be, it's YOU who is judgemental" and that obviously makes me want to go back and check their awful posts, and that makes me consume MORE of that vile energy they're obviously still exuding...
I don't really know how to work that feeling out
It's like a dark coal in my soul, it's smoldering up my focus and not releasing me
Any advice, folks?? If you can help me out with this, I will finish my game very quickly, because this feeling is like, a huge stopping point for my mental engagement with it (it actually only needs me to do a second pass on the dialogue, but to do that, I need to be locked in and with a clear head and heart and soul)! I am sure the answer lies somewhere outside this box... Like, a change of perspective or something
Thank you for reading, even if you don't really have much to say!!
