I'm just so tired and overwhelmed and fucking broken lately. I want to scream and cry at things I can't control or change. But I can't even do that anymore with the house guest I now have for an indeterminate time. Fucking family. Living alone sure was nice but I guess that's over now. Too bad I never did anything productive during that time. Not that it ever really felt like I lived alone with them visiting all the time.
I haven't even mentioned to them that I have holidays coming up. Those sure would have been nice, but I don't see myself enjoying that time off now with the way events are transpiring here, between one person or another's medical issues. Fucking hell.
I just don't know anymore. I burned all my anger out in a long venting rant somewhere in a random YouTube comment hours ago that nobody is going to read until I ran out of steam and didn't care. I probably didn't need to type out my life story, but I needed to vent.
I don't really think it helped. I don't feel any better. Despite doing something productive after by building a couple of Warhammer models. They did not spark joy, and it does not feel like I accomplished anything. It also wasn't until much later that I finally discovered the reason YouTube and Twitch weren't working properly on my phone while I built the models, was because I didn't turn on my wifi internet when I got home from work, so I was using mobile data, and I presume it was ads stalling out the apps.
One day blurs into the next and I'm stuck in this loop, no matter what I do, and everything keeps getting so overcomplicated. Things go from bad to worse and I just keep trying to do my job and come home to rest, quietly. Fuck, I just don't know anymore. What circle of hell is this I'm trapped in? I just need a break, a repreive from all of it. But I've got two different issues, serious shit, going on with different family members that don't get along so one of them needs a place to stay for a differemt reason, I've got pets to take care of, my own fucking problems to deal with, and those holidays are... let me check... what date is it? Oh, like another two weeks away still. Yeah. Fucking hell. Two more weekends, too, which will probably be full on, and I'm at the end of my rope. The whole month of August off, basically, but with nowhere to go and too much shit weighing on my mind to be able to enjoy it even if I did have anywhere to go.
What the fuck happened to the world? I've just been spinning my wheels for too long in the same routine, that I guess I blinked and missed everything.
I would like to cry. You do feel better afterwards, but it never really solves anything. Just an outlet for your emotions when they get too much. Last time must have been... Yeah, I rewatched A New Hope around or before Andor Season 2. That last ditch battle against the Death Star really got me in the feels, and I was at least teary eyed. Andor's ending got me emotional too. But like, Cyberpunk, that had me in tears man. I hear there's another season coming. That'll be nice, even if they do destroy you emotionally like that again.
I feel like I've mentioned this before, but nothing, nothing has made me cry like The Good Place. Hell, I've been catching Becker on TV revently, among other sitcoms, and I even started watching Cheers. I guess I'm a fan of a certain actor, huh? But that theme song, guys. Fuck. Has this always been the way the world is?
Making your way in the world today, takes everything you got.
Fuck. That hits real hard, and it ain't letting up. I was looking forward to those holidays, just pushing through it all, not counting my chickens before they hatched or anything, just... fuck those curve balls.I don't know what I'd even do, I just needed a fucking rest, to rebuild some mental fortitude to last me the rest of the year at least. But it's not going to be enough. I don't know what to do anymore.
I've spent too long masking, presenting this impassive, stoic facade. It's all a lie. I don't know how to do anything else. And this is all going nowhere. I guess I just needed to vent a little more. It still hasn't helped. Screaming silently into the void. At least if I actually screamed, out loud, I'd be using some muscles to physically exert and express myself instead of robotically tapping on a virtual keyboard while staring at the screen like a zombie. Fuck. Can't do that though. It's late, and people are sleeping. I also don't want to have to explain myself to anyone. Well, other than this journal, I guess. But who is ever going to read this? Other than me, proofreading it to try and eliminate typos.
Thanks if you did, though. I'm going to go sleep now. Bedtime. It's cold. And I need a hug. But my bear, the frayed label says "Joy Time" for anyone interested, doesn't really hug back. Have I mentioned this before, or was that me monologuing internally? I looked them up at one point, recently, and there were even some on eBay. Mine doesn't growl anymore. Anyway, time for sleep. I have tomorrow off, but... I won't get to enjoy it. There's an issue that will likely not resolve itself well for one family member any time soon, and if it doesn't... it's bad. I don't know how to deal with that.
I'm not coping well with a lot of things right now.
Maybe if I type "Shut up and go to sleep." I'll stop typing this not quite "stream of consciousness" journal...? Hmm. Nope, didn't think so. Worth a try, though.
