"If you want to improve, be content to be thought foolish and stupid with regard to external things."
-Epictetus
Everyone seeks improvement in some form. Whether in wealth, knowledge, status, happiness, or health, we all yearn for something better. The power to find that is in each of us, but the steps we take often falter as we improve. Sometimes, we fear judgement and ridicule for these growing pains. Those who would judge us, however, hold no power over how we grow unless we allow them that power.
Imagine a newborn foal, trembling and weak. Yet, it quickly desires to stand, to trot, to run. It feels deep inside that this is how to be, and so it spends its first minutes of life fighting to do just that. With wobbly legs, hide slick and goopy, and eyes wide with panic, it looks an ungainly sight among the rest of the herd who have stood, walked, run, and played about the pastures for years. While we might fawn or laugh, the foal cares not. It simply wishes to be.
Still, it persists. Even while predators see it as weak and plot against it, seeing potential only through own their narrow view. They know not the power within that frail and fumbling form.
It becomes strong, agile, graceful, majestic, and a valued member of the herd, despite its awkward beginnings.
I learned to walk before I learned to crawl, if you would believe it. Then, one day, I looked down. I must have seen how far the floor was from my head, and I crashed to the floor with no desire to so much as stand for quite some time. I must have looked underdeveloped to outsiders. As an infant, I had no concept of shame or ridicule, so I simply chose to rise again when I was ready. Nobody could tell me one way or the other.
When I played tee ball, I was worried that I would be unable to contribute to the team. I didn't like the strangers looking at me. I was a skinny 5-year-old boy who was terrified of failure. I simply wanted to hit a ball with a stick, but the scrutiny felt intense. Then, I knocked every ball beyond the far fence, when no other child in our league could reach beyond second base. I went from concerned that I would fail my team, to being the MVP.
I used to draw scribbled stick people, as I'm sure many of you did. Then, I honed my skills to drawing Giger-esque illustrations of the very movie monsters he inspired. While I have lost my ability to maintain that degree of skill and detail, I still pick up the pencil and try again and again. Because I don't care that my work is no longer "good" by the judgment of others. I simply like making monsters and find the act fulfilling.
This is a deeply personal entry, but that is because, at some point in our lives, we were all the shaky, scared, yet eager foal. I wasn't always some deep-thinking, meditative Stoic. I'm still not. Instead, I simply strive to improve, regardless of how it appears to those outside the "herd." I would hope the same of you, that you also strive to better yourself each day, regardless of how others might view you.
At some point, though, we all began to worry how we are viewed, rather than focusing on what makes us feel as though we are improving. Instead of saying "this person's opinion holds no sway over me," we began to let those opinions carry weight. That weight burdens each of us.
Cast it off.
Nobody knows your struggle better than yourself, so do not let others tell you how best to bear the weight you choose to carry, and most certainly do not allow them to add their own.
Accept that you will begin weak, that you will fall, that you may tremble, that you may lose what you have gained...
...But never stop striving to improve, to run free through the fields as you so choose, majestic in your own right.
Be safe. Be healthy. Be mindful.
